by Yu Hua
Blood Chief Li said, “These days I don’t have any choice in the matter. With times as hard as these, the town blood chief might end up starving to death if he didn’t accept a little something to eat and drink now and again. When things get a little better, I’ll go back to the old policy of not taking ‘so much as a needle and thread from the masses.’ Just forget that I’m a party member for the time being. Look at me as your benefactor. They say that you should repay a drop of kindness with a flood. But I don’t want a flood. All I want is a drop in return. Why don’t you just give me a few yuan from out of what you make selling blood? You can give me the change and pocket the rest.”
After Xu Sanguan sold his blood, he gave five yuan to Blood Chief Li and took thirty home. He handed the money to Xu Yulan and told her he had earned it selling blood and that he had “flooded” Blood Chief Li with the remaining five yuan. Then he told her that the family had eaten corn flour gruel for fifty-seven days in a row and they couldn’t go on eating the stuff forever. Now they had enough money to add a little something different to their diet every few days, and when they ran out of money, he would go sell blood again because his blood was like a well—the level would stay about the same no matter if you drew water every day or never at all.
Finally he added, “Let’s not eat corn flour gruel tonight. Let’s go to the Victory Restaurant and eat a square meal.” He said, “I feel really weak right now. I can’t even talk too loud. Can’t you tell? Listen to me. After I sold blood today, I didn’t drink two shots of yellow rice wine or eat a plate of fried pork livers. That’s why I don’t have any energy left. It’s not that I didn’t want to eat some. I went over to the Victory Restaurant, but all they have is plain soup noodles. They’re in the same boat as everyone else, what with the famine. Used to be they’d make their soup noodles with meat broth, but now they use boiled water and throw in a little soy sauce. They don’t even have any spring onions. That’s the way it is. And they’re asking one yuan seventy fen a bowl. Before it was just nine fen a bowl. I’m totally exhausted. I didn’t eat any fried pork livers. I’m running on empty. They say that if you don’t have enough to eat, you should supplement your diet with sleep. I’m going to sleep now.”
As he spoke, Xu Sanguan lay down in bed, stretched out his arms and legs, and shut his eyes.
“I’m seeing spots,” he continued, “and my heart is thumping like it’s all worn out, and my stomach’s convulsing. I feel like I need to throw something up. I’m going to bed now. If I sleep for four or five hours, don’t worry about it. But if I sleep for seven or eight hours and still don’t wake up, then you’d better call someone to help take me over to the hospital.”
After Xu Sanguan fell asleep, Xu Yulan sat on the doorstep squeezing the thirty yuan between her fingers. She gazed at the deserted street and watched the wind blow eddies of dust across the ground.
Staring at the dull, gray wall across the lane, she said to herself, When Yile broke open Blacksmith Fang’s son’s head, he went to sell blood. And when Fatty Lin broke her leg, he went to sell blood again. I still can’t believe he was willing to sell his own blood for a fat slut like that. It’s not like it’s mere sweat. It’s blood, after all. Now that the family’s eaten corn flour gruel for fiftyseven days in a row, he goes to sell blood once again. And then he says he’ll do it again because otherwise we’re not going to make it through these hard times. When are these hard times ever going to end?
Tears fell down her face as she spoke. She folded the money into a neat bundle, slid it into her inside pocket, and raised a hand to her face to wipe away the tears. She wiped the tears across her cheek with her palm, and then wiped the tears from her eyes with her fingertips.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
That evening Xu Sanguan and his family were going to the Victory Restaurant for a good meal. Xu Sanguan said, “We should act like today is Spring Festival.”
That was why he asked Xu Yulan to wear her finely woven sweater and khaki pants, as well as the light blue cotton-padded jacket embroidered with dark blue flowers. Xu Yulan put them on for him. Xu Sanguan also asked her to wear the silk scarf around her neck, so she got it out of the trunk and put it on. Xu Sanguan asked her to wash her face. When she was finished, he asked her to put on some Snowflower cream. She rubbed her face with the fragrant cream.
But when Xu Sanguan asked her to go down the street to Wang Erhu’s little grocery store to buy Yile some sweet potatoes, Xu Yulan stood her ground. “I know what you’re thinking,” she said. “You don’t want to take Yile to the Victory Restaurant to eat a good meal. You don’t want to spend your blood money on Yile, because he’s not your son. I know he’s not your son, and I know no one wants to spend their money on outsiders, so I won’t argue with you about all that. But Fatty Lin wasn’t your woman either, was she? She’s never given you a child, washed up for you, cooked you any meals, and yet you were perfectly willing to spend your blood money on her.”
Since Xu Yulan couldn’t bear to pacify Yile with a meal of sweet potatoes, Xu Sanguan had no choice but to speak with the child himself. He called for Yile to come to him, took off his cotton-padded jacket, and showed him the red puncture mark on his arm.
“Do you know what this is?”
Yile said, “You bled there.”
Xu Sanguan nodded. “You’re right. That’s where they put the needle. I went to sell my blood this morning. You know why I went to sell blood? So you all could eat a square meal. Your mom and I and Erle and Sanle are going to the Victory Restaurant tonight to eat noodles. And you’re going to take this fifty fen and go buy yourself some sweet potatoes over at Wang Erhu’s store.”
Yile reached out and took the fifty-fen note. “Dad, I heard what you and Mom were saying just now. You want me to go get fifty fen worth of sweet potatoes, while everyone else gets noodles that cost one yuan and seventy fen. Dad, I know I’m not your own son, and Erle and Sanle are. So they get to eat better than I do. Dad, do you think you could pretend for a little while that I’m your own son so I can eat some noodles too?”
Xu Sanguan shook his head. “Yile, I almost never treat you any worse than them. If Erle and Sanle get something good to eat, you get some too. But the money I made today came from selling blood. This money is special. This money’s harder to come by than other kinds of money. I put my life at risk to get this money. So if I let you eat noodles too, I’d be doing that bastard He Xiaoyong a favor.”
Yile nodded as if he had understood what Xu Sanguan had said. Holding the fifty-fen note in his hand, he moved toward the front door. Just as he got to the doorstep, though, he turned back to ask, “Dad, if I was your own son, you would bring me to eat noodles too, right?”
Xu Sanguan pointed toward him. “If you were my own son, you would be my favorite son of all.”
With these words, Yile beamed. Still grinning, he made his way over to Wang Erhu’s shop.
Wang Erhu stood at the charcoal grill roasting the sweet potatoes. A few sweet potatoes were cooling on a bamboo tray. Wang Erhu, his wife, and four children were arrayed around the grill eating gruel, and when Yile came in, he heard the sound of six mouths noisily slurping gruel.
Yile handed the fifty fen to Wang Erhu and then pointed at the biggest sweet potato on the tray. “Give me that one.”
Wang Erhu took his money and handed him one of the smaller potatoes.
Yile shook his head. “I’ll still be hungry after I eat this one.”
Wang Erhu pressed the sweet potato into his hands, saying, “The big ones are for adults. The little ones are for little kids like you.”
Yile looked down at the sweet potato in his hand. “This one isn’t even as big as my hand. I’ll still be hungry after I eat this one.”
Wang Erhu replied, “How will you know until you’ve eaten it?”
Yile, convinced by this logic, nodded and took the sweet potato home. By the time he got home, Xu Sanguan and the rest of the family had already set out for the restaurant. He sat down alo
ne at the table, put the still-warm sweet potato down in front of him, and began to slowly and carefully peel the skin. The mass of flesh inside the sweet potato was orange, like sunlight. He could smell its intense fragrance and its sweetness. He took a bite, and the fragrance and the sweetness filled his mouth.
But before he had even taken his fourth bite, the sweet potato was gone. He sat at the table rolling his tongue back and forth inside his mouth, drinking in what was left of the taste of sweet potato until all that remained was saliva. He knew the sweet potato was all gone, but he wanted more. He looked at the sweet potato skin he had only just peeled off and put a piece in his mouth. There was still some sweetness in the skin despite the blackened parts that tasted of charcoal. He ate the entire sweet potato peel.
When he finished the peel, he still wanted to eat more. That meant he wasn’t full. He stood up from the table and went out the door, arriving once again at Wang Erhu’s little shop. By this time Wang and his family had just finished their gruel, and all six of them were in the process of licking their bowls clean with their tongues.
Yile watched them wide-eyed and then told Wang Erhu, “I’m not full yet. Give me another sweet potato.”
Wang Erhu said, “How do you know you’re not full yet?”
Yile said, “Because I finished it, but I still want to eat some more.”
Wang Erhu asked, “Was the sweet potato good?”
Yile nodded. “It was good.”
“Was it really good? Or just medium good?”
“Really good.”
“That explains it,” Wang Erhu said. “If something’s really good, of course you’re going to want to have some more.”
Yile thought he was right, so he nodded.
Wang Erhu continued, “Go on home now. You’re full.”
Yile went back home, sat by the table, and looked across the empty tabletop. He still wanted to eat. He thought about Xu Sanguan and the rest of them. They would be sitting around a table right now, eating huge bowls of steaming hot noodles. And all he had gotten was a sweet potato that wasn’t even as big as his hand. He began to cry. At first the tears ran silently down his face. Then he threw his head down on the table and began to sob.
After he cried for a while, he thought once more of Xu Sanguan and the others sitting at the restaurant eating big steaming bowls full of noodles. He immediately stopped crying. He felt that he really ought to go to the restaurant to find them. He really ought to be eating a big steaming bowl of noodles, too. He went out the front door.
It was already dark outside, and because of the lack of electric power, the street lamps were as weak as candles. He walked rapidly down the street, panting to himself as he went: faster, faster, faster. He didn’t dare run, because both Xu Sanguan and Xu Yulan had told him that if he ran right after he ate, he’d burn up all the food in his stomach. So he told himself as he went, Don’t run, don’t run, whatever you do, don’t run. He stared at his feet as he walked along the road toward West First Street. There was a restaurant called the Liberation on the west side of the intersection. During the evening the Liberation Restaurant was always the brightest place on the street.
He propelled himself forward with his eyes to the ground and passed the intersection, not noticing his mistake until the road dead-ended into a small lane. Here he stopped, gazed around for a moment, and realized that he must have passed the Liberation Restaurant. He turned and started to retrace his steps, this time taking care not to look down at the pavement as he went. Instead, his eyes roved up and down the street until he had regained the intersection. When he saw that the doors were locked, the windows shuttered, and the lights out, he thought the restaurant must have closed already and that Xu Sanguan and the others had already finished their noodles. He leaned against a concrete electrical pole and burst into sobs.
Soon a couple of pedestrians came up to him. “Whose kid is that crying?”
Yile answered, “Xu Sanguan’s kid is crying.”
They asked, “Who’s Xu Sanguan?”
He said, “Xu Sanguan from the silk factory.”
“It’s too late for a kid like you to be out in the streets. Why don’t you go home?”
“I’m looking for my mom and dad. They went out to eat noodles at a restaurant.”
“Your mom and dad went out to eat?” they asked. “Then you better look for them over at the Victory Restaurant. The Liberation has been closed for almost two months now.”
Yile immediately began to walk down the street that led north from the intersection. He knew that the Victory Restaurant was right next to the Victory Bridge. He lowered his eyes to the pavement once again, because that way he would be able to walk faster. When he came to the end of the street, he swerved down a little lane and followed it until he had emerged into another avenue. When he caught sight of the river that ran through town, he began to walk alongside the water until he reached the Victory Bridge.
The lights of the Victory Restaurant glittered across the darkness. The bright lights made Yile happy. A surge of joy welled up in his heart, as if he were already eating the noodles. He broke into a gallop. But when he ran across the bridge and arrived at the front door of the restaurant, he did not find Xu Sanguan, Xu Yulan, Erle, or Sanle sitting inside. Instead, there were only two waiters sweeping the floor with big brooms. They had already swept everything but the area by the front door.
As Yile stood by the front door, they swept the refuse onto his shoes. He asked them, “Did Xu Sanguan and the others come here to eat noodles?”
They said, “Move.”
Yile hurriedly shifted to the side and repeated, “Did Xu Sanguan and the others eat noodles here tonight? I mean the Xu Sanguan from the silk factory.”
They said, “They left a long time ago. Everyone who came to eat noodles left a long time ago.”
Yile hung his head and walked over to the trees by the side of the road. He stood by the tree for a while looking at the ground. Then he sat down on the ground, circled his arms around his knees, and began to cry. He made himself cry harder and harder, louder and louder, until he couldn’t hear any of the nocturnal sounds around him. The sound of the wind blowing disappeared, and the sound of the trees rustling came to a stop, as did the sound of stools being moved around inside the restaurant behind him. The only sound left was that of his own sobs floating through the night.
After a while he grew tired of crying and stopped to wipe the tears from his eyes. He heard the waiters closing up the restaurant.
They shut the door, saw Yile sitting across from them, and said to him, “Aren’t you going home?”
Yile said, “I want to go home.”
They said, “If you want to go home, what are you waiting for? Don’t just sit there.”
“I’m sitting here because I need to rest. I walked a long way. I’m really tired now. I need to rest.”
They left, and Yile watched them walk together down the street until they reached the next corner. One of them turned down a side street, and the other continued straight down the street until Yile couldn’t see him anymore.
Then he stood up and began to walk home. He walked down the streets and through the lanes, listening to the sound of his own footsteps, feeling hungrier and hungrier as he went along. He felt like he had never eaten the sweet potato at all. He began to feel weaker and weaker.
When he arrived home, the whole family was laid out on the bed asleep. He heard the rumbling of Xu Sanguan’s snores. He heard Erle roll over and mumble something in his sleep. Only Xu Yulan had heard him push open the front door and come inside.
Xu Yulan said to him, “Yile.”
Yile said, “I’m hungry.”
Yile stood by the door for another moment before Xu Yulan asked, “Where did you go?”
Yile said, “I’m hungry.”
After another moment Xu Yulan said, “Come to bed. You won’t feel hungry if you go to sleep.”
Yile continued to stand by the door for a long while. But
Xu Yulan didn’t say anything more, and when Yile realized she had fallen asleep and wouldn’t be saying anything else, he fumbled his way through the dark to the foot of the bed, took off his clothes, and lay down.
He did not fall asleep right away. He stared into the darkness, listening to Xu Sanguan’s snores, and said to himself, This man, this man who’s snoring in his sleep, is the one who wouldn’t let me go to the restaurant to eat noodles. And this man is also the one who’s responsible for my having to go to bed with an empty stomach. And he is also the same man who is always saying I’m not his own son. And finally, he replied to Xu Sanguan’s snores with a declaration: If I’m not really your son, then you’re not my dad either.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
After Yile finished his gruel the next morning, he got up and walked out the door. Xu Sanguan and Xu Yulan were still in the bedroom, and Erle and Sanle were sitting on the doorstep. Erle and Sanle watched as Yile’s legs stepped over their shoulders and moved outside the door.
Erle gazed at Yile as he moved down the street without so much as a parting look, and called out, “Yile, where are you going?”
Yile said, “To find my dad.”
When Erle heard his reply, he glanced inside the house to see Xu Sanguan licking his bowl clean with his tongue. This seemed funny to him, so he burst into giggles, saying to Sanle, “Dad’s inside, but Yile’s going out to look for him.”
Sanle too giggled. “He must not have seen him.”
That morning Yile walked in the direction of He Xiaoyong’s house. He was on his way to find his real father. He was going to tell his real father, He Xiaoyong, that he was never going back to Xu Sanguan’s house again. He wouldn’t go back even if Xu Sanguan took him to the Victory Restaurant to eat noodles every day. He was going to take up residence at He Xiaoyong’s house. He wouldn’t have two little brothers anymore. He would have two little sisters instead. One was called Xiaoying and the other was Xiaohong. And he wouldn’t be called Xu Yile anymore either. He would become He Yile. What it all amounted to was this. From now on, whenever he saw He Xiaoyong, he would call to him: Dad, Dad, Dad.
