by Yu Hua
She said, “Xu Sanguan, I’m not afraid of anything anymore. I’ve suffered everything now. There’s nothing else they can do to me. It’s already come to this. What more could they do to me? Kill me? Fine, I’m really not afraid of dying. But sometimes I think about you, I think about the kids, and I start to feel frightened. If it wasn’t for you and the kids, I really wouldn’t be afraid of anything.”
The thought of her three sons brought tears to her eyes.
“Yile and Erle ignore me. They won’t even talk to me anymore. When I call to them, they pretend not to hear me. Sanle’s the only one who still talks to me, who still dares to call me his mom. I’m out there every day suffering, and when I get home, you’re the only one who’s good to me. When my feet are swollen, you pour a basin of hot water for me to soak them in. When I come home late, you’ve kept some dinner under the quilt because you were afraid it would get cold. When I’m standing out there on the street, you’re the one who brings me things to eat and water to drink. Xu Sanguan, as long as you’re good to me, I’m not afraid of anything in the world.”
Xu Yulan usually had to stand out in the street all day long, so Xu Sanguan would bring her something to eat and water to drink. At first Xu Sanguan wanted Yile to go, but Yile refused. “Dad, why don’t you tell Erle to do it?”
Xu Sanguan called for Erle and told him, “Erle, we’ve all eaten, but your mom hasn’t had anything yet. Why don’t you take her something to eat?”
Erle shook his head. “Dad, why don’t you have Sanle do it?”
Xu Sanguan got angry. He said, “I ask Yile to do it, and he passes the job on to Erle. I ask Erle to do it, and he passes the job to Sanle. And Sanle, the little brat, just puts the bowl down on the ground and disappears without a trace. When they want to eat, when they want clothes on their backs, when they want some money, they’re my sons all right. But when it comes to taking their mom something to eat, it seems like I don’t have any sons anymore.”
Erle said to Xu Sanguan, “Dad, I don’t want to go outside anymore. Whenever I go out, people who know who we are call me Two Yuan a Night. It’s so embarrassing.”
Yile said, “I’m not afraid of them calling me Two Yuan a Night. If they call me names, I just call them names right back and even louder than they did. And I’m not afraid of fighting either. If there are more of them than me, I’ll just run. I’ll head home and get a knife and run back and show them and say I’m a merciless killer and if they don’t believe me, they can go ask Blacksmith Fang’s son. Then it’s their turn to run. It’s not that I’m afraid of going out. I just don’t feel like going out, that’s all.”
Xu Sanguan said, “I’m the one who should be afraid to go out. Whenever I go out, people throw little rocks at me, and spit at me, and other people want me to stop and publicly denounce your mom. If they did that to you kids, you could just pretend you didn’t know or understand, but I’m too afraid of what will happen if I refuse to say anything. It’s just as bad for me, if not worse. What are you kids afraid of? You kids were born into the new society, and you’ve grown up under the red flag. You’re innocent. Look at Sanle. Isn’t that little brat out all day long, playing in the streets? Though he’s taken it a little too far today. It’s getting late, and he still hasn’t come home.”
When Sanle came home, Xu Sanguan called him over for a talk.
“Where did you go? You left right after breakfast and haven’t been home all day. Where were you? Who were you playing with?”
Sanle said, “I don’t remember anymore. I went so many places that I can’t remember. And I wasn’t playing with anyone else, just by myself.”
Sanle was willing to deliver the food to his mom, but Xu Sanguan worried that he was still too small for the responsibility. He had no choice but to bring her the food himself. He packed the rice in a little aluminum lunchbox and walked out into the street.
He could see Xu Yulan standing on the stool in the distance, head bowed, with the placard hanging from her neck. Her hair had started to grow out a little, and she looked like a little boy from a distance. Xu Yulan’s clothes were in tatters, and her back was curved like the question marks that filled the big-character posters. Her hands hung limply in front of her, and because she kept her head at about the same height as her bent upper back, they dangled level with her knees.
Xu Sanguan, seeing the sorry state she was in, felt wave after wave of sorrow roll through him as he approached. When he arrived by her side, he said, “I’m here.”
Xu Yulan’s bowed head turned to look at Xu Sanguan, who showed her the little aluminum lunchbox.
“I’ve brought you some food.”
Xu Yulan stepped down, sat on the stool, adjusted the placard, and took the aluminum lunchbox. She lifted the cover and set the lunchbox down on the stool beside her. When she saw that all there was in the box was rice, without even a little vegetables or meat, she said nothing, merely picking up the spoon and starting to eat. She stared at her feet as she chewed on the rice.
Xu Sanguan stood by her side, watching her silently eat her meal. After a moment he lifted his head to look at the people walking up and down the street.
A few people, noticing Xu Yulan sitting on the stool and eating, walked up to her, glanced inside the lunchbox, and asked Xu Sanguan, “What did you bring her to eat?”
Xu Sanguan hastily took the lunchbox from Xu Yulan’s hand and showed it to them, saying, “Have a look. All there is is this rice. No meat or vegetables. You can see for yourself. I’m not giving her anything but rice.”
They nodded. “That’s right. Nothing in there but rice.”
One of them asked, “Why don’t you put something else in there? Plain rice is pretty tasteless without any vegetables or meat.”
Xu Sanguan said, “I can’t give her anything good to eat. If I gave her something good to eat”—he pointed in Xu Yulan’s direction—“I’d be ‘shielding the enemy.’ When I make her eat plain rice without any extras, it’s so I can ‘struggle’ against her too.”
As Xu Sanguan spoke, Xu Yulan kept her head bowed to the ground, not even daring to chew on the rice she had in her mouth. It wasn’t until they had moved into the distance that Xu Yulan began to chew again.
When Xu Sanguan saw that there was no one in the vicinity, he whispered to her, “I hid the good stuff under the rice. No one’s looking now. Have a bite.”
Xu Yulan dug through the rice with a spoon and saw that the bottom of the lunchbox was full of meat. Xu Sanguan had cooked her red-braised pork. She picked up a piece of the pork with her spoon, popped it into her mouth, bowed her head, and continued to chew.
Xu Sanguan whispered, “I made it for you in secret. Even the kids don’t know.”
Xu Yulan nodded, ate a few more spoonfuls of rice, and then put the cover back on the lunchbox. She told Xu Sanguan, “I don’t want any more.”
Xu Sanguan said, “You only had one piece of meat. Eat the rest of your meat.”
Xu Yulan shook her head. “Give it to Yile and the rest of them. Bring it home and let Yile and the rest eat it.” Then she stretched out a hand and pounded her legs with her fist. “My legs are numb from standing so much.”
The way she looked brought the beginnings of tears to Xu Sanguan’s eyes. He said to her, “There’s an old saying that still rings true. The more you see, the more you learn about the world. I think I must have aged ten years in the last few months. It’s true that ‘you can know a man’s face but not his heart.’ We still don’t know who’s responsible for that poster. Who knows? You usually don’t mince words, so you might have offended any number of people. From now on, you better be more careful. The ancients said that the more you say, the more you lose.”
These words struck a chord in Xu Yulan. She burst out, “There was just that one time with He Xiaoyong, and now look at the state I’m in. You and Lin Fenfang did the same thing, but no one’s ever bothered to ‘struggle’ against you.”
Xu Yulan’s words terrified Xu Sangua
n. He looked hastily around to see if anyone was nearby, and when he was certain it was safe, he whispered, “You just can’t say things like that. Don’t ever say that to anyone else.”
Xu Yulan said, “I won’t say it again.”
Xu Sanguan said, “You’re already in hot water, and I’m the only one in the world who’s trying to save you. If I got thrown in the water along with you, there’d be no one left to pull you out.”
AROUND NOON Xu Sanguan usually emerged from the house with the aluminum lunchbox in hand. People who were familiar with him knew that he was on his way to deliver Xu Yulan her lunch, and they would always call out, “Xu Sanguan, making a delivery, eh?”
But one day a stranger stopped him on his way to Xu Yulan’s spot and asked, “Aren’t you Xu Sanguan? Is that the food you’re bringing over to that woman named Xu Yulan? Let me ask you this. Have you held a struggle session at home? I mean to denounce Xu Yulan?”
Xu Sanguan held the aluminum lunchbox tightly to his chest, lowered his eyes to the ground, and nodded. “She’s already been denounced all over town.” Then he counted all the places she’d been struggled against on his fingers. “They denounced her at the factory, and at the school, and on the street, and she’s been through five struggle sessions at the town square.”
The man said, “She has to be struggled against at home too.”
Xu Sanguan didn’t know this man, and he wasn’t wearing a red armband either. It was impossible to tell who he was or where he came from. Even so he had little choice but to listen and pay heed to what the man had said.
He said to Xu Yulan, “People are watching us, you know. Someone asked me today if we’d had a struggle session at home yet. He said we have to denounce you at home as well.”
Xu Yulan had only just come home from the street. She lifted the “Xu Yulan, Prostitute” placard from around her neck and set it down on the floor behind the door. Then she replaced the stool she had stood on all day beside the table, picked up a rag, and started wiping the seat. She continued to wipe the stool without a glance in his direction as she listened, and when he was finished, she said, “Go ahead then.”
That evening Xu Sanguan called to Yile, Erle, and Sanle and said, “Tonight our family’s holding a struggle session. And who are we denouncing? Xu Yulan, of course. From now on you have to call her Xu Yulan. You’re not allowed to call her Mom at a struggle session. You can’t call her Mom until we’re finished with the meeting.”
Xu Sanguan had his three sons sit down in a row. He sat in front of them, and Xu Yulan stood to one side, although he had set out a stool for her too. The four of them sat on stools, while only Xu Yulan remained standing, head bowed, just as if she were still out on the street.
Xu Sanguan said to his sons, “Today we’re denouncing Xu Yulan, so she really ought to remain standing. But since she’s been standing all day on the street and her feet are swollen and her legs are numb, do you think we can let her sit down on a stool instead? All in favor raise your hands.”
As he proposed the motion, Xu Sanguan raised his own hand. Sanle rapidly followed suit, while Yile and Erle exchanged glances before raising their hands.
Xu Sanguan said to Xu Yulan, “You may sit down.”
Xu Yulan sat down on the stool.
Xu Sanguan said to his sons, “Each of you has to speak out. If you have something to say, don’t hold back. If you don’t have anything to say, keep it brief. But everyone has to say something so that if anyone asks, I can tell them in all honesty that everyone spoke at the meeting. Yile, you go first.”
Yile turned and looked at Erle. “Erle, you go first.”
Erle glanced at Xu Yulan, gazed toward Xu Sanguan, and finally looked over at Sanle. “Let Sanle go first.”
Sanle’s mouth dropped open, as if he were about to laugh but had thought better of it. He said to Xu Sanguan, “I don’t know what to say.”
Xu Sanguan looked at Sanle and said, “Well, I guess you wouldn’t have had much to say anyway.” He cleared his throat. “I’ll start with a few words then. They say that Xu Yulan is a prostitute. They say she sees clients every night, that she charges two yuan a night. But I want you all to think about that. Who exactly is it that sleeps in the same bed with Xu Yulan every night?”
When he finished speaking, Xu Sanguan looked questioningly over at Yile, Erle, and Sanle. His three sons gazed silently back toward him.
Finally, Sanle broke the silence. “It’s you! You sleep in the same bed as Mom every night.”
“That’s exactly right,” Xu Sanguan said. “It’s me. Every one of Xu Yulan’s johns is me. But can you really call me a john?”
Xu Sanguan saw Sanle nod his head. Then he watched as Erle also nodded in agreement. Only Yile refrained from nodding.
Xu Sanguan pointed at Erle and Sanle and said, “Did I tell you two to nod? I wanted you to shake your heads. You idiots! You really think I’m her john? When I married Xu Yulan, I spent a lot of money on the wedding. I hired six men to play drums and gongs, and four men to carry the sedan chair. I had a three-table spread, and all the friends and relatives I could think of showed up at the party to eat and drink their fill. Everything about our marriage was on the up-and-up. That’s why I’m not a john and she’s not a whore. Though I should add that Xu Yulan did make one big mistake, and that mistake was He Xiaoyong.” He glanced at Yile and continued, “You know all about Xu Yulan and He Xiaoyong’s affair. That’s what we’re going to denounce at today’s meeting.”
Xu Sanguan turned to face Xu Yulan. “Xu Yulan, it’s time for you to come clean to your sons about the affair.”
Xu Yulan bowed her head and whispered, “How can I tell my sons about that? How could I even begin to talk about that with them?”
Xu Sanguan said, “Don’t look at them as your sons. Just try to see them as the revolutionary masses who are denouncing you.”
Xu Yulan looked up at her three sons. Yile sat with his head bowed. Only Erle and Sanle were looking at her. She swiveled her eyes back toward Xu Sanguan, who said, “Go on.”
“I committed some crimes in my past life.” Xu Yulan wiped her tears. “And I’m paying for it in this life. I must have offended He Xiaoyong in my past life, and he took his revenge on me in this one. He’s dead and gone now, but I’m still paying.”
Xu Sanguan said, “Enough of that.”
Xu Yulan nodded, and lifted up both of her hands to wipe her face. “Actually, He Xiaoyong and I only did it once. I never thought that after just one time I would end up pregnant with Yile—”
Yile interrupted, “Don’t talk about me. If you’re going to confess, then speak for yourself.”
Xu Yulan looked up at Yile, who was sitting ashen-faced across from her and avoiding her gaze. Her tears flowed once more as she continued. “I know I should apologize to you all. I know you all hate me. You’ve lost a lot of face because of me. But you can’t blame me either. It was He Xiaoyong. He Xiaoyong took advantage of my dad leaving us alone when he went to the public toilet. He pushed me up against the wall. I tried to push him away. I told him I already belonged to Xu Sanguan. But he kept pressing me up against the wall. I tried my best to push him away, but he was stronger than me. I couldn’t get him off me. I wanted to scream, but he squeezed my breasts and somehow I couldn’t fight anymore. I just went limp.”
Xu Sanguan saw Erle’s and Sanle’s eyes open wide with wonder. Yile kept his eyes to the floor, but his feet were sliding agitatedly back and forth across the floor.
Xu Yulan continued her story. “He dragged me to the bed, unbuttoned my shirt, unbuttoned my pants. I didn’t have any strength left to resist him. He pulled one of my legs out of my pants leg, but didn’t bother with the other one. Then he pushed his own pants down below his backside.”
Xu Sanguan shouted, “Stop! Enough! Can’t you see that Erle’s and Sanle’s eyes are just about ready to pop out of their heads? You’re spewing venom. You’re corrupting the younger generation.”
Xu Yulan sai
d, “You made me do it.”
Xu Sanguan said, “I didn’t tell you to talk about that stuff.” He pointed toward Xu Yulan and shouted at Erle and Sanle, “This is your own mom! How could you have sat there listening to that stuff?”
Erle shook his head vigorously. “I didn’t hear anything. Sanle was listening to it, not me.”
Sanle said, “I didn’t hear anything either.”
“Forget it,” Xu Sanguan said. “Xu Yulan’s confessed more than enough. I think it’s your turn to say something. Yile, you go first.”
Only now did Yile lift his eyes from the floor and say to Xu Sanguan, “I don’t have anything else to say. I hate He Xiaoyong the very most. And I hate her second most.” He pointed at Xu Yulan. “I hate He Xiaoyong because he wouldn’t recognize me as his son. And I hate her because I can’t hold up my head in public.”
Xu Sanguan signaled for him to stop talking. Then he looked over at Erle. “Erle, it’s your turn.”
Erle scratched his head with his hand and said to Xu Yulan, “Why didn’t you bite him when he pushed you up against the wall? If you couldn’t push him away, how come you didn’t bite him? You say you didn’t have any strength left to resist, but you must have had enough strength to bite him—”
“Erle!” Xu Sanguan shouted, so frightening the boy that he began to tremble. He gestured at him. “I thought you just said you didn’t hear any of that stuff. If you didn’t hear anything, then what the hell do you think you’re talking about? If you didn’t hear anything, then don’t say anything either. Sanle, say something.”
Sanle glanced at Erle, who was staring uneasily at Xu Sanguan, still flinching from the shock of being scolded by his father. Then Sanle glanced at Xu Sanguan, whose face was flushed with anger. By this time Sanle was so frightened, he didn’t dare say a word. Instead, he sat with his mouth half open, lips poised to speak.
Xu Sanguan dismissed him with a wave of his hand. “Forget it. Don’t say anything then. ‘A dog’s mouth doesn’t produce ivory’ after all. Today’s struggle session is adjourned.”
