While her choice of words could be a little more selective the basis of her argument has substance. It’s been years since I slept with anyone. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss it but the idea of risking our entire group dynamic on my libido seems ridiculous.
“We could die tomorrow. What are you waiting for?” she asks, leaving me with her words of wisdom as she strides back to the guys, dropping down beside Kyle and tugging Dog from his chest. I watch them without really seeing, biting at the inside of my cheek as I chew over her words. Maybe she’s right. Today could be my last day on this earth. Tomorrow I could be dead but on the other hand, we could live to ripe old ages and be looking back on these days…looking back with smiles and regrets.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I blink out of my musings to see Sam standing before me, hands in his pockets, head tilted ever so slightly as he studies me. Swallowing, I force a smile that morphs into something real when he returns it. “Fancy a walk?”
I glance at the group, see Natalie’s grin and resist rolling my eyes. “Shouldn’t we be getting moving soon?”
Sam takes a step towards me and my pulse accelerates. “We’ve talked about it and think we should stay another night. Kyle could do with the rest after our hasty exit from the farm.” He slips my hand in his, thumb brushing my wrist, eyes widening at the frantic beat he finds there. “Come on.”
I let him lead me away, knowing that I shouldn’t, that I should stop this before it gets out of hand but my heart is ruling my head.
And my feet apparently.
The trees thicken around us, shafts of sunlight bathing the wood in a golden glow, reflecting off the autumnal leaves that paint the path in burnt oranges and flaming reds. He releases my hand and it falls limp and cold at my side. I tuck it into my pocket, lifting my face to the sunshine, feel it kiss my cheeks. Birdsong fills the air, their chirping and whistling making me nostalgic for the old days.
“I miss music.” I lower my face, glance at Sam. “What kind of music did you used to listen to?” My icebreaker question suddenly makes this feel suspiciously like a date. The very notion transforms him before my eyes. No longer is he just Sam, the grumpy guy who has saved my life more than once. Now he’s a guy, a guy I like and the very thought makes me nervous. My mouth dries up, my tongue tying in knots as the pathetic, awkward girl resurfaces from the dark dungeon I locked her in.
“All kinds. There was a lot of rock music in there. You know, the really angry stuff you could rage to.” I compel a smile to my lips. “But there was some of the softer stuff too. Kyle can play the guitar really well. If you miss music we should find him one. While his singing voice ain’t the best, his…” he trails off, brow furrowing. “Are you okay?”
I stop walking, nodding as I stare at my feet. I gnaw at my cheek, internally scolding myself for being so unbelievably tragic. Sam’s boots stop in front of mine, warm palms cupping my cheeks and lifting until I’m looking in his eyes. Those stormy green eyes that once intimidated me now make my insides melt.
“What did Natalie say to you?” He’s more observant than I give him credit for. I shake my head, the movement restricted between his hands. His thumbs brush gently against my cheeks and I’m lost in his concerned gaze, the sparkle that I never noticed before drawing me in. “Whatever she said, don’t listen to her. I know that I haven’t been the most charming guy in the world but…”
Whatever he was about to say next is lost, my mouth covering his as I pour everything into that one kiss. Every fear, every reservation, every moment of loneliness that made my soul ache. He responds with little encouragement, arms wrapping around my waist and tightening as he tugs me closer. The warmth of his body pressed against mine makes me dizzy as electricity courses through me, sparking and popping inside my head until all conscious thought is lost. The moment lasts an age and is over too quickly, suspended in time and space until he pulls away, my sanity lingering at the very edge as he rests his forehead against mine.
“We should have done that sooner” he chuckles. Through my lashes I study his face. It’s the most relaxed I’ve ever seen him, a peaceful smile curving his lips, not a hint of a scowl in sight. “Lou?”
“This isn’t going to be easy you know.” The words are out before I can stop them, shattering the illusion, the bubble we so easily inhabited popping into thin air. Slipping from his grasp I start walking again, admonishing my damn head as it busts its way through the barrier my heart carefully crafted around it. I can feel Sam’s stare burning into the back of my head and I stop, turning slightly to see his face.
“Nothing about this has been easy.” Sam’s scowl is back and I wish I could erase the words, smooth the frustration from his brow, bring back the Sam of a moment before. But I can’t because they’re out there now and no amount of wishing will take them back. “If I wanted easy I certainly wouldn’t be standing here with you.”
That hurts. Focusing on the trees I try to mask the pain of his words. Sam releases a frustrated sigh, closing the gap between us and taking my hands in his. “Look, I know that there are risks. If we fall for each other and it doesn’t work out then we’re setting ourselves up for a whole world of pain but Louisa, if it does work out…”
“What if it doesn’t” I whimper.
“If it does…” he continues, “Then it will make surviving this world that much more bearable. I’ve never allowed myself to feel anything for anyone before. The fear of being hurt, it kept me detached but you…you’ve worked your way in bit by bit and I’m powerless to stop it now, even if I wanted to.” Vision swimming with tears I stare into his face, the very thought of losing him now, transforming into physical pain. “You told me to trust you. Now it’s your turn. Trust that I won’t hurt you.” His fingers brush my cheek, wiping them free of the tears that fall uninhibited from my watery gaze.
“Trust me” he whispers, bringing his lips back to mine. This time it’s gentle and controlled, not the feverish passion we shared before. He solidifies his words with that kiss, conjuring every emotion I possess as I wrap my fingers in his jacket and hold him to me, as though he is the only thing keeping my feet on solid ground.
When our lips part he wraps his arms around me in an embrace I feel to the tips of my toes. Standing in the warmth of his arms I push back the doubts until they are nothing but a niggle in the back of mind. Any misgivings I have, I will deal with later. For now, I let myself dare to dream that there could be more to this life than simply existing, that this perfect moment isn’t fleeting, that beauty and love can still thrive among the decay.
“They’ll be wondering where we’ve got to.” I mumble against his jacket, placing my palms on his chest to lean back. He smiles down at me. In that split second, he looks younger. The worries briefly slipping from his shoulders until he is just a boy, without the weight of responsibility and the ghosts of his past that I know haunt him every day.
“Let them” he presses his lips to my forehead, causing my eyes to flutter closed. “Can’t we can stay in this bubble just a little while longer?”
Opening my eyes, I nod, turning from his embrace to slip my hand in his. Dried leaves crunch and crackle beneath our boots as we walk, talking and laughing as if we don’t have a care in the world. The contrast in the Sam I knew before and the Sam I know now, the one who smiles and laughs and grins like a fool as he grips my hand in his surprises me. The smile falls away from my face as once again I think of the little boy who suffered at the hands of a man that didn’t deserve him. I picture him, skinny and defenceless, large green eyes filled with hurt as the man who should protect him beats him to a pulp for entertainment. Of him protecting the one person in the world that he thought he could save.
“Why do you look so sad?” I turn, not realising he was watching me.
“Your father” his eyes darken, “what happened to him?”
Sam sighs and squeezes my hand before releasing it. Rays of sunlight pick out subtle mahogany strands in his dark hair, illuminating h
is profile and the days of growth along his jaw. I wait, saddened at the pain my words have caused but not regretting saying them. I want to know him, every part, the good and the bad.
“When the virus struck my mum got sick first. To be honest, I think she’d given up a long time ago. She was ready to die; her body didn’t even put up a fight.” The sorrow in his tone makes my chest ache. For all her faults, he loved his mum like every boy does. “Leo got sick next but it didn’t kill him like I’d hoped. If I hadn’t have already known what the virus did to people I doubt I would have noticed a difference. With or without the virus the rage was already in him.”
He says it with such nonchalance, as if it were normal, the abuse he endured. “Kyle and I were already getting ready to leave. We’d been planning it long before the virus and with mum gone there was no reason to stay. We grabbed our bags and went downstairs. Leo was sat in his chair. Just sat there, rasping and moaning. I’m pretty sure he was waiting for us. The only reason he hadn’t killed us before was common sense. Two missing kids is hard to explain.” He glances at me with a solemn smile. “As soon as he saw us he charged. We ran and never looked back.”
I nod, not blaming him for leaving the man who had used him as a punch bag, beating him just because he could, to suffer a virus riddled existence. He didn’t deserve to be spared. I spent years wishing for a father. For him to burst back into my life and beg forgiveness. Now I see that having a father isn’t always a good thing either.
“Kyle is lucky to have you.”
Sam shrugs. “I don’t know. For a long time, I was angry with him. Not because my father beat me but because I couldn’t escape. Kyle wasn’t strong enough and he wouldn’t have been able to take it. Sometimes I wonder who I would have been if I’d just left.”
I grab his hand, spinning him to face me. “You wouldn’t be you.” Cupping his cheeks between my palms I force him to meet my gaze. “As abhorrent as your childhood was it made you who you are. Strong and protective and caring. That man was evil but the person you became because of it shows that he didn’t win. Despite everything you came out the other side a good man. You’re a better man than he could ever have hoped to have been.”
He captures my mouth with his, filling it with words he can’t say, feelings he can’t express. He clings to me as though I am the raft, the only thing that can keep him from drowning in the sea of emotions that threatens to consume him. I let it sweep me away, riding the waves with him, ready to follow him into the depths if that’s what it takes.
Eventually we decide to head back, reluctant though we both are to leave our bubble and venture back into reality. Our time alone was too short but I wouldn’t change a second of it. We both know that, whatever this is, it could end with a broken heart but he’s ready to take the plunge into the unknown and in spite of my fear I know I will be right there with him.
Before we exit the tree line he lets my hand fall. I am left cold without its embrace but we agreed to take this slow. To be sure before we change the group forever. Natalie looks up as we approach, questions glittering in her dusty grey eyes. I avoid them and head towards Drew, smiling as he wraps his arm around my shoulders, tugging me against his chest with a light kiss against my hair. I love how oblivious he is. I think we’ve been together for so long he doesn’t even see me as a girl anymore. I am just his friend, not someone with needs and urges and I love him for it. Sam takes a seat beside his brother but his gaze on my face is so intense that I’m amazed the others can’t feel it.
“We were just sharing stories” Drew says, drawing my attention. “I was just about to tell them about that time you thought it would be a good idea to see how clever the infected were.”
“You swore you wouldn’t tell anyone about that.” I groan, shoving against his chest.
Drew laughs, tugging me closer. “That was back when I thought there was nobody left to tell but this is comedy gold. Honestly you should have seen her.” Dropping my head into my hands to hide my growing embarrassment I hear Natalie laugh.
“This I’ve got hear.” Kyle chuckles.
Drew removes his arm from my shoulders, sitting up a little straighter, thriving beneath the anticipation of his captive audience. I peek out between my fingers.
“So, we’ve been together about six months and Lou turns to me and says, ‘how clever do you think they are?’ So, I shrug, never having thought to test it myself. She devises a plan and honestly, I thought it was genius” he grins at me over his shoulder. “We head out, plan all ready to put into place. The premise of it was seeing if we could trick them, we were getting pretty low on food except for the mystery can which she kept trying to get me to eat.”
“I’d forgotten about that” I say, dropping my hands. “I can’t believe I’ll never know what was inside.”
Drew laughs. “So anyway, Louisa’s question was this. If we pretend to be infected, will they buy it and leave us alone?”
“Oh lord” Natalie looks at me like I’m insane. I shrug. I think for a while I was.
“In my defence, I was starving hungry and sick of listening to him whine about his never-ending appetite.” I fix Drew with a glare.
“So out we go into the street, groaning and moaning, which was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen, by far.” He’s on his feet now, demonstrating our piss poor attempts at playing infected. Laughter runs around the group, me included as I watch Drew do his best zombie impression. “For a while it seemed to be working until Lou needed to sneeze. I could see it building and the fear on her face, eyes bulging and everything, I couldn’t hold it in. I burst out laughing and this horde we’d joined all turned to look at us. Now, I’m not gonna lie, I pretty much pissed myself right there but Louisa…” he grins at me and I sigh, shaking my head as it flops into my hand.
“Louisa let out this huge sneeze-slash-scream, arms flying around above her head as she runs like her arse is on fire.” He demonstrates this too, running around the circle to raucous laughter as I die a little inside. “We’re running, faster than we’ve ever run before, Louisa sneezing and running and screaming. I’m running behind her, barely able to keep up ‘cos I’m laughing so hard when an infected pops out in front of her. Without even hesitating she cracks him right in the jaw. Bam.” He smacks his fist into his palm. “The infected drops and she’s off again, literally screaming like a banshee.”
The group laughs. I lift my eyes to Sam. Amusement plays on his lips as his gaze flits between me and Drew. “We’re like, five minutes away from the apartment and she just stops. I almost go flying as I try not to crash into her. I’m looking at her like ‘what the hell are you doing?’ as this mob of infected chases us. And she’s just stood there, her face is bright red and she looks completely horrified and then she turns to me with those adorable big brown eyes and says…’I think I just peed’” That’s the moment when I die inside, cheeks flaming as the others double over, Kyle literally rolling along the ground as Dog bounds around his head.
Drew drops back beside me, ruffling my hair with a grin so wide it looks close to splitting his face in half. “You’re such an idiot” I grumble. He wraps an arm around me so I can’t escape, placing a big wet kiss on my cheek.
We share stories long into the night, laughing and joking like this is just a normal day and not the end of everything. As I look around at their faces, for the first time I feel lucky. In a world where I didn’t quite fit in, who would have thought at the end of it all, I would find a family I could be a part of. A place where I fit.
No matter what the future holds, I will remember this night forever.
Thirteen
- Belly of The Beast -
Resting my hands on my hips I look up at the barricade. Its handmade, not the concrete barrier that cut London off from the rest of country. Everything from cars to bed frames are stacked high, blocking off the road into, from what I can see through the gaps, is a small village. Sam stops beside me, eyes shielded against the sun as he studies the structure. Dog
sits on his feet, tail wagging furiously, head cocked as he stares at him with adoration. Whether Sam wanted Dog or not, he’s taken to him like a duck to water, splitting his time equally between the brothers.
“What now?” Kyle asks as he stops by my shoulder. He’s still limping though it’s nowhere near as severe as it was. I can tell from his face that he’s exhausted, despite the brave face he’s determined to wear.
“We could track back. There was another road back there.” Natalie suggests. I suppress a groan. We’re tired and hungry and the idea of walking back all that way makes me want to howl with the injustice. Letting my pack slip from my shoulders I plop on top of it. If we’re gonna be walking for much longer I need a rest. Kyle shoves me over, sitting beside me and resting his weary head on my shoulder. I rest my cheek atop his hair and blow a frustrated sigh. Sam glances at us before turning back to the barricade.
“Someone obviously built this which means there are people in there. Maybe they’ll let us through.” Drew proposes, striding towards the construction with an air of authority that harks back to his days on the force. Rubbing my eyes with my knuckles I bite back a yawn, watching Drew approach a gate in the centre. “Hello?” he yells, hands cupped around his mouth.
“Good idea, shout… that won’t draw any unwanted attention.” Kyle grumbles, making me smile. I enfold his skinny frame in my arms. He does the same, arms wrapped tight around my waist. “I’m tired.”
“Me too” I give in to the yawn.
Drew yells again and I lift my head to watch. A face appears at the gate, pinched with suspicion, tiny eyes studying our group before landing on Drew. Stepping forward like the leader he is he smiles, holding up his hands in a pacifying gesture.
“Hey there. Me and my companions were hoping you’d allow us to pass through.” The man looks between us, eyes lingering on me and Natalie before snapping back to Drew.
The Haven Series (Book 1): The Infected Page 12
