by Bella Jewel
So damned nice.
I don’t say a word when he lets me fall asleep, right there in his arms.
I just don’t say a word.
Because my friend is dead.
She’s gone.
And I’m not okay.
~*~*~*~
THREE MONTHS LATER
The crowd screams as I finish my routine—money at my feet, men bellowing my name, some of them even begging. I’ve had more than one note tossed on the stage with a number, or a full name. They yell out their names to me a lot, almost like they’re hoping I’ll look them up and contact them. As if. I’m not stupid.
God.
Not stupid at all.
I blow the crowd a kiss and then saunter off the stage and into the back dressing room. I’m sweating, it’s warm out there tonight, too many men in a not big enough space. It’s cheap night, which means there is double what there normally is out there. Good for us girls, though. We clean up. I take a towel and gently pat my brow, and then turn and see Harper chatting to another new girl, Amy. Amy took Pamela’s place. And I really like her, but it took a long time to look at her, and not think about Pam. I still think about Pam. Every single time I’m in this place. I swear sometimes, I hear her voice. Remember her laugh. I miss her so badly, but I have to keep going.
We all do.
I get changed out of my outfit, and then go over and join them.
“Hey, Harper.” I smile at them.
“Hey, sugar. Amy here was just telling me that she met a new man.”
I smile at the new girl, plop my bottom on the dresser, and say, “Tell me everything.”
She laughs and tells us about a new man she’s met, and how he is so sweet and doesn’t care that she’s a stripper. I feel genuinely happy for her; after all, most men wouldn’t deal with a woman stripping. I know if I was a man, I probably wouldn’t like it. Not that it’s anything to be ashamed of. We’re all just doing what we have to do. And in the end, it’s our body to play with, is it not?
“I wish I could find a man like that,” I sigh dreamily, pouting.
“Me too,” Harper huffs. “But you’re super lucky, we’re happy for you.”
Amy beams. “Yeah, he’s so nice. It feels nice to have someone accept me just the way I am.”
“Until he comes and watches you, and doubt gets in and starts growing like a weed until he’s paranoid and follows you everywhere ...”
We all turn to see Yana leaning against the dresser across from us, her eyes piercing into Amy. Bitch. She loves to torment everyone, me mostly, but new girls also.
“Well, why not join the conversation you weren’t invited to, Yana?” Harper snaps, giving her a glare.
“I’m just pointing out the obvious!” Yana shrugs, smirking.
“Why? Experienced it, have you? Last time I checked, there were no men snooping around here for you. Just Nicolai. And half the time he can’t even stand your ass.” Harper smirks right back.
Yana’s cheeks get red, and she growls, “Watch it, Harper.”
Sigh.
I’m not dealing with this crap, no sir, not today. I smile at Harper and Amy and go grab my things. I was the last dance for the night, and I’m exhausted. Lucy and I went out last night with a few of her friends, and I barely got any sleep. Then I had to work tonight, so it’s safe to say all I’m thinking about right now is my bed.
“I’m out of here,” I say to the girls. “Goodnight.”
“Be careful out there in the dark, Shania,” Yana growls, glaring at me. “You remember what happened to the last one?”
Bitch.
Cold hearted bitch.
“You’ll pay for your words one day, Yana,” I snap at her. “And I hope to hell it hurts. You bitch. You heartless bitch.”
I turn and walk out to the sounds of Harper telling Yana off further. I look around for Eddie, he usually walks us out. He has to now, after what happened to Pamela. He must be busy, so I wait a few minutes, yawning. I’m so tired. Seriously. And my car is parked right there. Right there.
I probably shouldn’t go out on my own.
But I’m going to fall asleep standing up if I don’t get home.
I sling my pack over my shoulder and walk out the back door and directly to my car which wouldn’t even be five meters away. I pull out my keys and unlock the door, going to open it, when someone comes up behind me.
It happens to fast, I honestly don’t know what’s going on for a few seconds.
There is a hand over my mouth, and I’m being jerked backward into a chest. A man.
I scream, but it’s muffled because of the hand pressed over my mouth. I squirm and kick, but the man is dragging me backward. Panic grips me, and my whole body tenses up as he pulls me farther and farther away. I do everything I can to break free. I kick, I squirm, I scream, but to no avail. He’s moving quickly, pullin me along as if I weigh nothing. My eyes are darting around, looking for something, anything to help me.
Then suddenly, I’m released.
It happens quickly. I’m being dragged, and then I’m on the floor. The sounds of men grunting can be heard, and I turn to see Nicolai on top of a man. I can’t see his face, I don’t know who he is, but Nicolai is punching him, over and over, their bodies rolling around on the hard ground of the parking lot, their grunts filling the night air.
The man hits Nicolai, and he stumbles backward, and before he can get up to keep fighting, the man runs. He runs fast, his boots crunching along the ground, and he disappears into the darkness. For a few moments, all I can hear in the now silent night is my panting, my ragged panting. My dress is torn, my purse is god knows where, and I’m terrified. Utterly terrified.
My eyes move to Nicolai, and the moment I see him, I start to cry. I don’t know why. Adrenaline, maybe, but it just pours out, tears flowing down my cheeks, my whole body shaking. That man was going to take me and do god knows what with me. All because I didn’t wait for Eddie, because I wanted to go to sleep, and I wasn’t thinking. Pamela lost her life doing the same thing, and I was honestly stupid enough to come out here on my own.
What is wrong with me?
Nicolai stands, walking toward me, dusting off his suit as he moves. He has blood running from the knuckles on one hand and his eyes are angry.
He’s angry.
He reaches me, leans down, curling his hands around my upper arms, and hauls me up. I whimper as I land on my feet. He pulls me close, so close I can see the speckles of gold flickered in his eyes, and he barks, “What the fuck were you thinking? Did you not fucking see what happened to Pamela?”
I open my mouth, but all that comes out was a sob.
He shakes me a little. “Fucking answer me, Shania!”
“I’m sorry,” I croak, and then start crying even harder.
Dammit.
I feel pathetic. I hate that I’m crying like this.
But that scared me. Right down to my bones.
“Fuck.”
Nicolai moves, pulling me into his arms, my cheek slamming against his chest. For a moment, I don’t know what to do, but then, I take the chance he’s offering. I wrap my arms around him and hang onto him. It feels good. Really good. I haven’t been hugged in such a long time, gosh, I had forgotten how safe it felt to be wrapped in a man’s arms. I turn my face into his chest, and just breathe in. He smells incredible.
“Fuck,” he murmurs, pulling me back and looking down at me, “You gotta stop, Shania.”
“Stop?” I squeak, confused.
“With the fuckin’ sweet innocent act. It’s killin’ me. Makin’ me want things I can’t have. Stop it. Just fuckin’ stop.”
“I’m not ...”
I stare up at him, honestly confused. What act? I’m not putting on some sort of act. Sure, on the stage I do, but out here, me and him, I’m just being myself. Sure, I’m young, and he’s the first real man I’ve experienced, but I’m still trying to just be who I am.
“Fuck it.”
I bli
nk once, and then his lips are on mine, and he’s kissing me, long and deep and hard. And for a minute, I’m stunned. It is the last thing I expected him to do, that’s for certain. But he’s doing it. He’s kissing me. I whimper at the realization and kiss him back, taking him in, letting my tongue dance with his, letting the sensations fill my body and make me feel warm inside. This kiss, it is unlike anything I’ve ever felt in my life.
Yes, this kiss ... I can feel how much he wants me.
He lets me go, growling something, and then says, “Can’t be doing this. You know it. I know it.”
“You do with Yana ...” I frown.
“Yana is over twenty-one. Yana is a woman.”
“And I’m not?” I say, hurt, so hurt.
“No, you’re still a girl.”
“I’m eighteen!”
He shakes his head. “You’ve got a crush on me, I get it. I like you, too. You’re fuckin’ hard to stay away from. I want to be the one to put my cock in you for the first time, so much so it consumes me. So you see, my intentions for you, Shania, are not pure. I’m not here to sweep you off your feet. I’m here because I want to fuck you.”
I blink, and my cheeks burn.
But in a good way.
He wants me?
He wants me!
“I want you to do that,” I say, staring up at him.
He looks confused for a second, like that is the absolute last thing he expected me to say. He shakes his head and steps back, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck, you’re not getting me. You’re too young for this. Go home, Shania. Go home and never, fuckin’ ever, come out here on your own again.”
I open my mouth to protest, but he takes me by the arm and pulls me towards my car, he opens the door and practically throws me in. “Go home, now.”
“Nicolai ...”
“Now, Shania.”
Hurt that he’s dismissing me after openly admitting he wants me smashes me right in the chest. I mean, if he didn’t like me, he could have just told me to go home and be done with it. He didn’t have to kiss me. Didn’t have to tell me he wanted me. Didn’t have to do any of it. So why did he, only to turn around and tell me nothing can happen?
I open my mouth to speak again, but he slams the door and turns his back, striding off.
Well.
Fuck you too, Nicolai.
Fuck you too.
~11~
NOW – SHANIA
I throw my head back and laugh at Scarlett. She’s crazy, and I love it. The banter between her and the other girls is hugely entertaining. After Lincoln bought me back here, the other girls came over and decided to join in, too. It became a mini party at Slater and Ellie’s house, and it’s just what I needed. To take my mind off everything. Mostly ... Lincoln.
He’s doing my head in.
“So, you and Lincoln, hey?” Saskia wiggles her brows. “Juicy.”
“There is no me and Lincoln.” I laugh, sipping my beer. “He and I just don’t see eye to eye. We just go around in this love hate circle.”
“I wonder why you do that,” Ellie ponders. “I mean, there is clearly attraction there, you two practically explode when you’re near each other, but you both keep fighting it.”
She’s probably right.
We do fight it.
There is attraction.
But I’ve been in this position before, read it wrong, and got my heart torn out.
I don’t even want to read anything wrong again. If Lincoln and I aren’t getting along, and we fight more than we talk, then there is a reason for that. If we were supposed to be together, if there was a real attraction there, we wouldn’t fight so much ... right?
No.
No, we wouldn’t.
“I just don’t think it’ll ever work,” I say, changing the subject with, “How are you and Slater?”
Ellie tells us how good her and Slater have been, and how things seem to be working out for them nicely. She said she has been getting little flashes of memory back the more time she spends with him, but nothing set in stone, nothing clear, nothing to make her leap for joy and say she remembers. She tells us she is experiencing more nightmares now, because of her mind, and remembering more of what she endured when she was taken.
Poor girl.
I couldn’t imagine anything worse.
“Shania!”
I jerk and look around to see Malakai waving a hand at me. He’s sitting up on the porch with all the other men, and I see Mason and Boston have joined us now. I’d like to get to know the guys more; they seem really great.
I stand because Malakai is waving at me to go over. Ellie, Erin, and Chantelle get up and follow me, no doubt getting more drinks. Well, Chantelle isn’t, she’s way too pregnant, but the other two are probably doing top ups. I walk up onto the porch, avoiding Lincoln’s eyes, which I can feel burning into me, and smile at Malakai. “Hey there, boss man.”
He grins at me. Damn he’s fine. “How’s it going? Got some good news.”
“You do?” I ask, heart racing.
“Yeah, think we’ve got a lead on the girl you gave us, Yana. We’re goin’ to check it out in a couple days. Hopefully, we can snatch her up, and then we’ll be able to find Nicolai.”
I exhale and smile. “That’s awesome. Thanks so much.”
“Welcome, very much so. Can’t promise she knows anythin’, but it’s a start, which is more than we have right now.”
Yana.
I wonder what she’s doing these days. I last saw her when Nicolai kicked her out of the club after I ... After things went south. She left, promising that she’d make him pay for hurting her, but mostly, she’d make me pay. As far as I know, he never saw her again. But, she was a big part of the club, and in his life, so I’m hoping she overheard something at some point, knew something, anything that might help us find Nicolai.
Because with each passing day that I’m not finding him, I’m struggling. I need to know. I need to find him. I simply cannot live any longer feeling the way that I do. Sure, I’m happy, I’ve got a good life, I can’t complain, but it’s so incredibly empty. And until I sort this out, it’ll remain empty. My sarcasm covers up my pain, but my pain is there, so damned deep most nights I cry myself to sleep.
Which is something nobody knows except Lucy.
She’s the only person in the world who knows my demons.
“Got a glimpse of Yana from the pictures you took,” Lincoln says to Malakai. “Fuckin’ hot.”
My cheeks burn.
I know it’s an overreaction, but damn him.
Yana ... She ruined my life. At least, she tried very hard to. She did nothing but cause me problems, and he has the nerve to call her hot. I don’t know why it bothers me, but the boiling feeling in my chest, and the way my stomach sinks, makes me even angrier, because damn whatever stupid feelings I’ve managed to develop for Lincoln Knight.
I would swear what I’m feeling right now is ... jealousy.
I’ve already been with one man who put Yana first, I don’t need another.
Dammit.
I’m being petty.
“Thanks, Malakai,” I say, turning and walking down to the women sitting in the yard. My blood is boiling, and the green-eyed monster is attacking, good and strong, which just makes me feel stupid.
Damn Lincoln Knight.
“You okay, honey?” Charlie asks when I sit down, her eyes scanning over my face, her red hair practically glowing in the sun.
“Lincoln ... he just ... gets on my nerves. He always pushes my buttons.”
“What did he say? Want me to go up there and drop him? Because I will,” Charlie says, crossing her arms and then glaring up at Lincoln, who winks at her. “Ugh, what a douche.”
I can’t help but smile. “Thanks, but no, I can deal with Lincoln just fine.”
“Heard what he said,” Erin says, sitting down. “Obviously the girl they found, Yana, isn’t exactly on your favorites list.”
I shake my head. “No, sh
e’s done nothing but cause me problems. Hell, I’m fairly certain she would have had me murdered if she had the chance.”
“Why?” Amalie gasps, her pretty lips parting.
“Because she was jealous. She was the best dancer the club had seen, she was Nicolai’s favorite, and then I came in and people loved me. I had the whole innocent virgin act going on, and then there was Nicolai and I ...”
“Tell us more about Nicolai,” Scarlett says, glancing up to make sure we don’t have extra ears listening in.
“I don’t know what there is to say. I feel so stupid about the whole thing, really, I do.”
“How come?” Saskia asks, crossing her legs and leaning forward.
“Because he only wanted me for sex. He wanted a trophy. And the worst part? He told me that. When it all started happening, he told me that was all he wanted me for. But I was eighteen, and I was obsessed with him, and I thought maybe him telling me that he wanted me meant he actually wanted me. He didn’t. He got what he wanted, I became more obsessed and, honestly ... I don’t want to talk about what happened after that.”
“Are you going to tell us why you want to find him so badly?” Chantelle asks, rubbing her belly.
My eyes zone in on it, and I’m so happy for her. Such a blessing. Such an incredible blessing. I don’t think people ever truly understand how much so.
“I’d rather not,” I say, because I’m so afraid of what they’ll say. I’m so afraid that they’ll judge me. I’m so afraid of feeling worthless, and pathetic, which is exactly how I feel about the whole situation.
Mostly, I’m scared they’ll think I’m a failure.
“You don’t have to,” Ellie smiles. “We all have things we don’t want to talk about. But ... you are safe, right? He isn’t going to hurt you?”
Will he hurt me?
Gosh, I honestly don’t know.
I’ve pushed him to his limit, so much so he took off and left me alone. With nothing.
So, is it possible he could hurt me? Maybe.
Do I think he will? Not so much.
“I don’t think so, honestly, he wasn’t aggressive, his damage was ...”
“Mental,” Scarlett finishes for me.
