by Bella Jewel
He’s just making me feel even more stupid about how I’ve acted. As if I don’t already beat myself up enough, he goes ahead and adds to it. I know I called too many times, text too many times, came here too many times, begged too many times. I know what I did. I feel so damned stupid for it.
“It isn’t a trick. It isn’t a game. In fact, I knew you’d say that, so I bought some stuff in with me, so I can prove it.”
“Prove what? What the hell are you talking about?”
I step into his office, bag clutched in my hand, stomach in my throat. I know what I’m about to tell him isn’t going to go down well. I know he’s going to freak out. I know he’s going to demand all sorts of things. I’ve already made my mind up what I’m going to do. I already know. But he has a right to know, and that’s the only reason I’m here.
I turn to him and he closes the door behind him. “Well, what is it?”
I take a deep breath, look him in the eyes, and say, “I’m pregnant, Nicolai. And it’s yours.”
~16~
NOW – SHANIA
“Shania, honey, breathe.”
Lucy is kneeling in front of me, my hands in hers, squeezing tightly.
Scarlett and Ellie are sitting beside me, because Slater called in a little extra help after I lost it.
They don’t understand. No one does. Nobody except Lucy. She knows, god, she knows just how it feels for me to find out my child is living with Yana. Yana. Fucking Yana. A child that was taken away from me, without choice. A child I’ve only held in my arms for a matter of minutes. A child that should be with me, not her.
Has she raised him?
Has she been the mother he was snatched from?
Has Nicolai managed to crush my soul even more?
“I can’t,” I tell Lucy, panting with such emotion I can barely think straight. My head is spinning. My whole body a broken mess. “She’s raising my child.”
“You don’t know that. Not for sure. We’re not even certain that she is living with him. For all we know, they could just be friends.”
“She is ... she is ...”
“Slater said that they only found out she was there, but there is no proof that they’re together, it just looked that way. And even if they are, honey, you have rights. We’re going to get your son back, we’re going to make sure of it.”
“He probably thinks she’s his ...”
“Hey,” Lucy says, her voice firm and strong. She’s always so strong. “You’re his mother, and we’re going to figure this out. Do you understand me? I won’t let him be taken from you again.”
Scarlett reaches over, squeezing my free hand, and I look to her. My eyes searching hers, desperate for this all just to go away. Then I glance at the men standing and watching me. Lincoln called them straight away when I told him that the little boy, the sweet little boy, is mine. I guess he didn’t really know how to handle it. I can’t say I blame him. It’s not exactly the kind of situation that is easy to understand.
They’ve all got questions. I can see it.
But I just want to find my son, to find Nicolai, and to take back what’s mine.
He had no right to take him from me. I know that I suffered. I know that I wasn’t who I am now. I know that I was young. But it was my choice, too. It was something we had discussed. I was going to give him up for adoption. I was too young to be a mom. Well, that’s a lie. I wasn’t too young, but I certainly wasn’t mature enough. And, I was a stripper. A damned stripper. I wasn’t in any position to be raising a child, and neither was Nicolai.
We fought so much during my pregnancy.
We shouldn’t have been near each other, let alone me having a baby to him.
But he made sure I had everything I needed. He was good to me. But the fighting got to us. It took us down. It brought hatred into our lives. We fought and we argued, and I became so stressed that my son was born five weeks early. We had both agreed to adoption, but the night I went into labor, we had the biggest fight yet.
He changed his mind.
I told him we couldn’t even endure a pregnancy together, it would be unfair to both of us to try and raise our son. He would be better off being adopted out. Nicolai ran a strip club, how in the hell did he think he was going to raise a child? Sit him in the office while he organized what girls were going to dance next?
And me, I had no money, no career, and I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be a good mother.
I knew it.
And it killed me. God did it kill me. Every day I wondered if I was making the right choice for my son, but I knew that I was. He deserved a stable, loving family. I couldn’t give him that. And the guilt, oh the guilt. Nicolai thought it was easy for me. It wasn’t. I cried myself to sleep every night, just wanting things to be different, so I didn’t have to give my baby away.
But the decision was the right one, at the time.
And Nicolai decided he didn’t want it, that he wanted his child, and that he was going to take him if I didn’t want him.
He was acting like I was just throwing him away.
I wasn’t. God. I just wanted him to have everything. A family that I didn’t. Parents that I didn’t. The kind of love he deserved.
I loved him, with every single piece of myself.
But I knew I wasn’t ready.
Nicolai pushed, he told me he wasn’t going to sign the papers. We got into a huge fight when I told him he couldn’t just take my son, that he couldn’t just change his mind. That we were talking about a child, not a puppy. He refused to budge, and the fight was so intense I went into labor. My son, who I didn’t even get to name, was born that night. My perfect little son. I refused to let Nicolai in the room, I refused to let him have anything to do with it, I was going to adopt him out, because that’s what was right.
The night I got home, he begged to come over. He told me he’d sign the papers, he just wanted to see his son first.
I agreed.
He arrived, and for a moment, for a heartbreaking moment, when I saw him staring into his eyes with love and adoration, I nearly changed my mind. I thought maybe, just maybe, we could make this work. I could clearly see that he loved his child. I was going to talk with him, maybe we could come up with something. I felt hope, like maybe, just maybe, we could be good parents, and I could keep my darling boy with me.
When I woke up the next morning, my baby was gone.
And so was Nicolai.
I called the police, and we looked. Oh, did we look. Nicolai had sold the club when I was pregnant and handed it over to new owners. And we spoke to those owners, but they had no information as to where he might be. Nicolai was the biological father, and they couldn’t track him down, and eventually, I guess they got bored. They told me they were still looking, still doing all they could, but I knew they weren’t. And now I know why. Nicolai isn’t even his real name. Of course they weren’t going to find him. And being the father, why would they try too hard? It could be worse, right?
I sunk into depression.
I’m ashamed of it.
The desperation I felt, when every day would pass and my son still wasn’t returned, nearly broke me. I tried, oh, did I try. I wanted my baby back. Days turned into nights, and weeks into months, and I couldn’t cope any longer. At least with adoption, I knew he was okay, loved, safe, and well. With Nicolai, I honestly didn’t know. Was he treating him right? Did he love him the way I so desperately wanted him to be loved?
I know Nicolai isn’t a cruel man.
But he stole my child. And he disappeared.
I didn’t trust him. Which made it worse.
I started drinking, I even tried drugs, anything to make the pain go away. After a year, Lucy finally forced me to get help. And slowly, very slowly, I got my life back together. I picked myself up, I got clean, I got involved in the café and busied my time with running that, and finally, I decided I was going to find my son. I was going to get the answers I deserved. I was going to bring myself peac
e.
And here we are.
“I want to go there. Tonight. Now.”
My voices comes out shaky, but I look to Lincoln, holding his eyes.
“Not sure that’s a good idea, Shania.”
“If you won’t come with me, I’ll go on my own. But I’d rather you there. Please. I need to see my son. I need to ... I only had him for one night ...”
My voice cracks, and a tear rolls down my cheek.
Lincoln’s face softens, and he actually looks hurt for me. Like my pain is his own.
“Okay,” he murmurs, his voice thick. “Okay, Slater and I will come with you.”
I stand. “Thank you.”
“I’m coming, too,” Lucy says. “That no-good bitch is going to get a little talking to from me.”
I look to my sister, and I hug her. Because if it wasn’t for her, I’d not be where I am right now. She is the one who pulled me from rock bottom and got me on my feet again. She’s the only one who saw my true pain. Not the mask that hides it now.
“Thank you,” I whisper to her. “I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you.”
She pulls back, holding my shoulders. “Of course you would be, because you’re strong.”
“I’m coming too,” Scarlett says. “Hell, if they’re not going to play the game, we’re going to all stand there until they do.”
My heart explodes with happiness and gratitude to these people. The people who didn’t even know me a few months ago but have invested their time and their good natures into helping me find my son. I owe them everything.
“One condition,” Lincoln says, grabbing his truck keys.
“What’s that?” I ask.
“You tell us everything on the way there. Leave nothing out.”
I agree.
And on the way there, I tell them everything.
Everything.
~*~*~*~
NOW – SHANIA
I’ve never felt so sick with anxiety in my life.
When we arrive after about an hour’s drive, to a beautiful home in the suburbs of the next town over, I’m nearly ready to pass out. The whole trip all I’ve done is wonder how this is going to go. Will Nicolai call the police? Worse? Will he refuse to let me see my son? Will any of this work out, or will I have to fight him for it? I don’t want to, but I will.
I’m done being pushed around.
That is my son, and while I would never take him from his father, I have every right to see him.
Nicolai didn’t give me a choice when he took him, so now I’m not giving him a choice either.
I stare at the big house, and it’s nice. It’s warm and cozy, and I can see little bikes and toys scattered across the front lawn. My son has a loving home, I can see that, and I’m not sure if I feel relieved or sad. Because a loving home is exactly what I wanted for him. Will me coming in here take that away from him? Is Nicolai giving him exactly what I wanted?
“Are you ready?” Lucy asks, tugging my hand to get my attention.
I look to her. “Am I doing the right thing?”
She studies my face, and then whispers, “Of course you are. He’s your son.”
“But what if he’s happy? Is it my place to come in and disrupt his world?”
“You don’t have to snatch him from his home, honey. You can go slow and steady, but yes, he has a right to know you. All children have that right.”
I swallow and then nod. I get out of the car and together, we all walk up to the front door. Lincoln surprises me by reaching out and squeezing my shoulder gently. As if letting me know he’s got my back.
But I already know that.
I already know they’ve all got my back.
I knock on the front door.
For the few agonizing minutes it takes for Nicolai to answer, I feel such an array of emotions. Sadness, fear, anxiety, happiness, nerves ... it all blends and makes me feel lightheaded. But I take a deep breath and calm myself down. For my son’s sake, I have to keep my emotions in check. I can’t afford to ruin this for him.
The door opens, and Nicolai appears, standing before me.
He hasn’t changed a bit in the years that I’ve been gone. Granted, it’s only been a few, but he still hasn’t changed. The only difference is, here at home, he’s wearing a pair of jeans and a tight black tee. Instead of a suit. He looks ... good. Just as good as he always did. Nicolai is an incredibly gorgeous man, no matter what we went through, there is no denying that.
And seeing him, it brings it all back.
Not the feelings, just the shame.
Shame for the way I behaved.
“Shania.”
His voice is surprised. Like he honestly never expected I’d find him.
“Nicolai,” I murmur. “It’s been a long time.”
His eyes scan over everyone standing behind me, and he grinds out, “You brought the whole army.”
I swallow. “I didn’t know how you’d react.”
He looks back down at me. “React to what?”
“You know why I’m here. I want ... I want to see my son.”
His jaw tightens, and he stares at me, for so long, I’m wondering if he heard me.
“Before you tell me no,” I say softly, keeping my voice calm, “Hear me out. I’m not here to disrupt his life. I’m not here to take him from you. I know what I did, Nicolai. I know how I behaved. I know that our relationship was ... damaged. But he’s my son. And when you took him, you broke my heart. You tore it into a thousand tiny pieces. And I sunk. I hit rock bottom. But I’m okay now. I’ve picked my life back up. And I want to be in his life, all I’m asking of you, is that you give me a chance. That we work together.”
He crosses his arms, and I can see he’s filled out as he’s gotten older. Absolutely gorgeous. Which makes me wonder what my darling son looks like. Does he look like me? Or his dad?
“I didn’t take him to hurt you, Shania,” Nicolai says, his voice gruff. “I took him because you were going to take him from me, just the way I did to you. You weren’t going to give me a choice. You were so angry and broken, and you wouldn’t hear me out. I wanted my son. You had no right to make those choices for me. So I made it for myself.”
“I know,” I whisper.
I’m trying to fight the anger I’ve held onto for so long. I always thought when I found Nicolai, that I’d come in here, guns blazing, ready to fight or die for my son. I was so angry, hated him so much for what he did. But the moment I pulled up at this house, something changed.
I stopped thinking of myself.
And started thinking about my son.
Hating Nicolai, the pain I’ve carried around for so long, isn’t going to help anything.
The only thing I can do now is be calm and understanding.
It’s the only chance I have.
“I knew you’d find me eventually. I knew deep down, you were a good person, and you loved him, but I also knew you had to get yourself together before you’d do that. I wasn’t going to come looking. I wasn’t going to make it easy for you. Petty? Probably. But I was angry, too. You caused a lot of problems for me. But, he is your child. I was never going to stop you coming here.”
“You know, every day of the last few years, I’ve hated you, Nicolai. I’ve wondered what his life is like, if you’re good to him, if you’re being kind. I swore I’d find you and I’d get him back. But the moment I stopped in front of this house tonight, that changed. This isn’t about me, you, or the past. It’s about him, and what’s best for him. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want hate, I’m so damned tired of hate. I don’t want to hurt our son. I just want him in my life. However you think that can be done. Please, I can’t live a moment longer without him.”
He’s still hesitating. I can see it. It’s clear that he’s been prepared for this moment, that he’s thought about it. I guess he knew me well enough to know I’d find him eventually. Like he said, he knew I wasn’t a bad person, I was just ... in a bad place. But that do
esn’t mean now, right now, that he’s going to be willing to hand my son over, even for a little.
And I guess, I guess I understand.
I’d probably feel the same.
“Can you give me some time to figure this out? To figure out how this is going to best work for him. He doesn’t know you, Shania. I show him pictures, I’ve told him who you are, but he doesn’t understand. He’s too young to understand.”
He’s showed him pictures.
My heart breaks.
Tears burst forth and run down my cheeks.
I don’t stop them.
“I understand,” I whisper. “Whatever you think is best. I can wait a little longer ... but, I need to know something. You and Yana ...”
“Are friends,” Nicolai finishes, his eyes holding mine, softening just a touch at my tears. “Only ran into her a few weeks ago.”
I want to scream with relief.
She isn’t raising my son.
Thank the lord.
“And are you ... seeing anyone?”
He shakes his head. “No, when I took Tommy, I decided to leave all the shit behind me. I stepped up, I took care of him, and I made sure he had the best life could offer. I haven’t had time for anyone else, and if I did, you can guarantee they’d be worthy of him.”
I’m crying harder.
“You named him Tommy?” I whisper.
He nods. “Yeah, after your dad.”
Nicolai knows I lost my dad, the only person who mattered to me. He also knew when I lost him was when my life started going bad.
The fact that he named our son after him makes my heart ache and explode all at the same time.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
Nicolai nods, and looks to all the men behind me. “Next time, leave the army at home. I’m not the enemy here.”
I look to him, and nod. “Can I see a picture?”
Nicolai nods and turns, disappearing into the house and returning with a frame a moment later. He hands it to me, and I stare down at the gorgeous little boy smiling big in the photo. He looks exactly like his daddy, with dark hair, curling at the base, and bright green eyes. He looks so happy. He’s so incredibly beautiful.
