Because he’d brought her to the steps, making sure she got a good look at the beach, there was only so much room to stand. Their shoulders were practically touching.
Bad move on his part. He needed to walk away. But had a strong urge to put his arm around her. Keeping his hands firmly in his pockets, he gave her a minute to enjoy the view.
“What happened to you, Reese?” The voice was familiar, from long ago. Filled with caring. No hint of intrusion.
“What do you mean?”
“What happened to make you so closed off? You used to be the guy who wasn’t afraid to go deep. To discuss things that matter more than work. You had soul.”
Words from the past. The exact words she’d always used to describe him when she was telling him why she loved him so much.
“I have a soul.”
“Of course you do. I’m not saying you don’t. But you didn’t just grow up, you’ve changed almost beyond recognition. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not judging. I’ve changed, too. It’s just...we both know what happened to me. There are clinical files on the reasons for my shutdown. But you... I mean, I understand how devastating it had to be to lose your wife, and your child. It was a terrible tragedy. I understand the grief. Even not being able to get over it. But you...it’s like you’ve given up. I never imagined you’d do that.”
Reese stood completely still.
He hadn’t seen that coming.
From the old Faye, maybe. But not now.
They’d set boundaries. She’d respected them.
If she thought that just because Elliott was his son it meant she was going to waltz back inside his mind...picking at his thoughts...analyzing things that were none of her business...
“I’m sorry, Reese. I shouldn’t have said that. I don’t know what’s the matter with me today. I guess it’s just the aftermath...so much tension. Whew.” She smiled and backed up, then turned toward the house.
“She died because of me.”
He didn’t like what was happening to him. Would not let it go too far. But he couldn’t just let her walk away thinking she’d done something wrong.
They had to get along so they could parent together for Elliott’s sake.
Elliott had asked if Reese still loved his mother. Reese had told the truth but the boy was bound to have more questions. They had to deal with this.
“I heard she was killed in a car accident.”
She was back. Standing beside him on the top step leading to the ocean. Hands at her sides. He didn’t look but he could feel her there. Could almost feel her heartbeat. He could damn sure feel his own.
“I could never quite get it right with her,” he said now. Because Faye was right. He knew about what she was dealing with and how it affected their son. Elliott was on the brink of disaster—or recovery—and it depended largely on him and Faye. If they screwed up now, they might not get another chance with him. They had to get it right this time.
He could watch Faye’s back, in terms of Elliott’s exposure to her issues. He needed her to be able to watch his, too. In terms of how his own shortcomings might affect the boy.
How far back did he go?
“I cared about her. I liked her. Liked spending time with her. I honestly wanted to make a life with her...” A more realistic-looking one than the one he’d envisioned with Faye. He’d grown up after she left him.
“She knew going in I wasn’t what she called the ‘mushy’ type.”
Faye shifted. He knew how difficult listening could be. He’d been there, that one afternoon in her backyard. There was no way to make it any easier. But their son needed them to get themselves, and keep themselves, healthy.
He needed this, not just for himself, for his job, but for a father/son relationship. He had no idea what that looked like, so he went with his gut.
“I thought we’d reached an understanding, but I just couldn’t seem to make her happy. She wanted ‘all in,’ as she called it. She wanted us to be that couple in the song, where one goes to heaven and the one left behind begs the heaven-bound to wait for him.”
Too late, he remembered a long-ago night, lying in bed with Faye naked in his arms, and her asking if he believed in heaven. If he believed they could be together, even there.
He’d promised her that he wouldn’t go to heaven if he couldn’t be with her there.
Like he had any control over the afterlife. He hadn’t even managed to stay with her in this one.
She wasn’t saying a word. The old Faye wouldn’t have stayed silent, but this did make it easier for him to continue.
Neither of them wanted to go back. Neither of them could. Understanding that made this whole co-parenting thing possible.
“She’d come to me that day and asked some question about the future. Wanting me to tell her what I saw it looking like. In terms of us. I don’t remember what I said. What I remember is wondering why, after three years of marriage, she was still bugging me about such things. I’d just come in from a fire. I was tired, dirty, wanted a shower and then bed.”
“Had you eaten?”
Her question seemed to come out of the blue but then there they were again, flying back to the past. Reese had a thing about going to bed hungry, and he tended to get grouchy when he needed to eat. Faye had always made sure they didn’t forget to eat. Seemed so...simple back then.
So ridiculous now.
“Yeah. I’d grabbed a burger on the way home,” he said, trying to remember if he’d told Tabitha he’d eaten. If she’d asked.
“I manage that better now, by the way,” he added. So she’d know. For Elliott’s sake. “Protein bars are a godsend...”
She wrapped her arms around herself.
And he got back to the business at hand.
“It wasn’t the first time she’d come at me like that. Looking for reassurance, I guess. Wasn’t even the hundredth. But that particular day, she didn’t let up. I got impatient, hurt her feelings. I tried to make it better, she thought I was appeasing her. Which I was. Which made it worse. I asked her if we could please do this another time. She burst into tears and ran out.”
That was the gist of it, anyway. She’d screamed at him. He’d raised his voice back. They’d both obviously reached their limits.
“When I heard her car start, I ran out, tried to stop her. And then jumped into my truck. I followed her. She sped up. I could see she was still crying. I didn’t know if it was better to let her go off like that or keep trying to stop her. I figured if I was behind her at least she’d know I cared. In the end, it didn’t matter what choice I was going to make. I never got the chance. She pulled out in front of an oncoming truck and that was that.”
“You saw the crash?”
“I was the first responder.” She’d know what that meant...he’d been the one who’d seen the damage up close. The one who’d tried to save his wife’s life.
“I’m sorry, Reese.”
Yeah, so was he. Over and over and over again.
And not just for Tabitha.
“I later found out, from a friend of hers, that she’d been waiting for me to get home to tell me that she was pregnant.”
Her head turned.
So did his.
And he and Faye met again.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
SHE COULDN’T DO THIS. Tearing her gaze from Reese, Faye took a step back into the yard. Still close, but back enough to take a breath.
She’d almost kissed him.
Had wanted to kiss him.
He’d just told her about his wife’s tragic death and two seconds later her entire body was on fire for him. What the hell was the matter with her?
Psyche regressing, needing to heal or not, this was too much.
“We should get the house business done
so you can get on with your day.” Walking past her, Reese led the way into the house. He didn’t give her a lot of time to take things in as he hurried her through a kitchen that was clean but cluttered with things on the counters. Vitamins, artificial coffee creamer, fish food to name a few.
An immaculate, lighted fish tank took up most of one wall in the dining room. The colors of fish, the underwater plants, the peacefulness of it, reminded her of Bloom’s office. A sucker fish attached to the front glass stared at her as she walked past.
It was like the thing knew she was lusting inappropriately after his feeder.
“Elliott will love that tank,” she said, reminding herself why she was there. The only reason Reese had invited her to his home.
His furniture was big. Dark leather. He had things lying around in the living room, too. Not dirty, just...convenient.
He’d apparently been looking at his tablet while sitting on his couch. A couple of books and some pamphlets on domestic violence were on the coffee table. Oddly, she didn’t see any remote controls.
While she’d have added some kind of art to the bare walls, window treatments to go with the shades, overall, she loved the place. It felt comfortable.
It felt like Reese.
It felt like she wanted him to take her hand, lead her back to his bedroom and slowly strip her of her clothes, one piece at a time. “Kissing her naked,” he used to call it.
“The other rooms are back here.” Reese didn’t seem to be at all affected by her being in his space. His tone was even, his stride confident.
“This is the computer room.” He stopped in the first doorway along a hall off the living room. Other than a big L-shaped desk, a nice leather office chair and electronics, the room was bare.
“Here’s the bathroom.” It had toilet paper on the roll. A brown towel a little crooked on one bar. Nothing else.
“That’s my room.” He pointed to a closed door at the end of the hall.
A door closed to her. Her mind got the message. Her body did not.
“My bathroom is there, too,” he added.
And then he took her to the only other door off the hall. “This is where I thought I should have a bed for Elliott. Just in case.”
Expecting to see a room filled with clutter, odds and ends that didn’t go anywhere else, stuff that didn’t have a home, Faye was saddened to see...nothing. The room was completely empty. As though someone had moved out.
Or hadn’t moved in yet.
And suddenly she had a purpose. Something she could do.
For the next twenty minutes, she talked to him about twin beds, a dresser with deep drawers, a computer desk. She talked to him about beige paint, fire engine wallpaper border for the top of the walls, about a night table that would hold a lamp for soft light and reading, she hoped. About a red shelving unit for books or toys.
His eagerness, his approval of her every word, egged her on and she was to the point of discussing an area rug to cover the nondescript carpet when she realized what she was doing. She was helping Reese give Elliott the room she’d always wanted to give him. Frank had forbidden the expenditure, and after Frank, giving Elliott a healthy home had been her biggest concern.
Tears threatened again. She’d thought she’d cried them all out, earlier. Apparently not.
Reese must have seen something in her expression. He reached toward her and she backed up.
More than anything she wanted to be in his arms. To lose herself in the comfort she used to take from him as a matter of course. But she couldn’t.
Not only because he was no longer giving it but because she couldn’t be that weak again. She had to rely on herself. It was a lesson she’d learned first when her mother had died and left a nine-year-old girl to learn how to cook and make sure the laundry got done.
Taking another step back, she knew she had to make it to the hallway. And then the front door.
They were through here. She’d given him plenty to get started. He could call if he had questions...
“Faye.” His voice stopped her flight before she’d even made it out of the room. “Don’t go.”
She turned around but wouldn’t get any closer to him.
“It’s been a crazy day. A tough day. We’re both...feeling our way here. We’ve just found out we’re parents. Together. There are bound to be surges of...emotion.” He didn’t try to get any closer. “But we’re going to be okay. We’re going to make this work.”
She wanted to believe him. Nodded. But had no plan. Couldn’t find one for their situation.
“I know I got close to blowing things back there, at the beach. I don’t know...standing so close to you, I just... I’m sure you’ve done it, too. You know, remembering back to the days before Elliott was conceived. It’s natural. Given the suddenness of this situation...”
He was right, of course. Though the situation wasn’t as sudden for her as it was for him. The only thing sudden for her was the certainty of his part in it.
“Anyway, I just want you to know...you don’t have to worry. Or be nervous of me. I’m not going to take advantage or compromise our situation by allowing things to get...physical...between us.”
A jolt of elation speared through her—having to disallow physical relations intimated that he wanted her!—but she was back to earth in a second.
“That’s the third time you’ve either pushed away or stepped back from me and it’s...worrying, Faye. You don’t need to be afraid...”
It was the second time he’d told her that. But it wasn’t the words that got to her. She heard the hurt in his voice that she’d be afraid of him or even concerned.
She waited while she choked back tears. Nodded while she calmed herself, finding her emotional shield. Her emotional and physical issues were hurting Reese, which could be detrimental to their co-parenting effort.
She couldn’t help her reaction, but she could help him understand.
“It’s not you, Reese.” She heard the cliché and wanted to cringe. “It’s any man who gets close to me.”
She’d never talked about this outside of counseling. Felt dirty doing so now, as though she needed to shower, then cover herself with a blanket and a pair of sunglasses.
But she was committed to enduring whatever she must to help her son be well. Which meant helping his father understand what they were dealing with.
She’d known, when she’d opened the door to Reese’s possible fatherhood, that she’d have to tell him what had happened. He had to know what their son was fighting. What he’d overheard.
Ironic how things worked, the way fate gave you a push when you weren’t moving fast enough to suit it. Reese bringing up their mutual sexual hunger was no mistake. But him thinking he had to apologize...
“I’m thinking that you’re going to be able to help Elliott in more ways than you know,” she said. Of course she’d had this conversation, mentally rehearsed it, many times. But she hadn’t planned on it happening that day. Not yet.
She had about five seconds to replan.
Sliding his hands in his pockets, he stood there filling up that empty room—filling her life just as he’d always done—and she was about to change the way he looked at her forever.
“Elliott needs a positive sexual male role model,” she told him.
He shrugged. “A father. All boys need that.”
She bit her lip. Wanted to be back in her car overlooking the ocean. “No, Reese, a positive sexual role model.” She repeated herself. Didn’t know how else to say it. “As opposed to a negative one.” She hoped the clarification would help.
Chin raised, he seemed to clue in to the fact that she was trying to tell him something. That they were no longer having a conversation about her rejection of closeness between them. For a second, she wished he could see her dreams, the on
es she’d been having about him lately...
“I don’t want to hear this, do I?” It was the old Reese, looking her in the eye, trusting her to know him well enough to read his mind. To know what he did and did not want. Or need.
“No.”
“But I need to.”
“For Elliott’s sake, yes.”
He nodded.
“You’d be hearing it from Sara soon enough,” she said, knowing that he wouldn’t let her back out on this then, not even if she tried. Counting on it.
“I’d rather hear whatever it is from you. Firsthand.”
She’d known that, too.
“A month after Elliott was born, Frank demanded that I resume sexual relations with him.” No. Wait. She’d jumped too far ahead.
“Prior to that, other than that night in my dorm room, he hadn’t touched me. I’d refused to have sex with him until after the baby was born. I had a rough pregnancy, was sick a lot, and thought my aversion to sex was due to all of that. All those months, I thought it was a product of his feelings for me—that he agreed to honor my wishes on the matter. I thought it was a sign that he really cared as much as he said he did. I can’t tell you why he agreed. But I can guess. He didn’t want to touch me because my pregnancy was a huge turnoff to him. He knew I probably wasn’t carrying his child.”
She couldn’t look at Reese. Couldn’t bear to see the distaste on his face. Or the pain.
No matter what they didn’t mean to each other now, they’d once been close. They’d been each other’s first lovers.
Her stomach started to cramp, and she took a few more steps behind her until she felt the solid wall at her back. She let it take her weight, as she bore the weight of the burdens she’d brought on herself.
One night of drunken stupor had changed the course of her entire universe.
And her son’s, as well.
Reese didn’t seem to move. She knew he was waiting. She had a crazy wish that he’d save her from the next moments. And from so many in the past.
When would she ever learn that no one was going to save her from anything? Her counselors could help her learn how to ease the weight of her burdens but no one could carry them for her.
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