“I just don’t know what to do. I want to get out of here. I couldn’t even talk to Mike if I wanted to tonight. My heart just smashed into a million pieces, but until I find out why and even if he said that, how am I supposed to act normal?”
“I am so sorry, Cas. I really am!”
HAPPY NEW YEAR! There were the usual noises of ringing in a new year, with horns, yelling, and kissing, as total chaos began to fill the bar. It was 1987. A new year and once again, I didn’t feel like any of it was real.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
1987 – Age 24
I didn’t know how to process what I’d heard. I was afraid to say anything to Mike, afraid of what he might say. Nothing seemed to be making sense. We didn’t even fight. I didn’t understand why it was happening to me. I was so happy and had every reason to believe that he felt the same. I didn’t understand; what changed?
When Mike picked me up to go out, I decided to not say anything just yet. I would just see how he acted and what he said.
It didn’t take long during the drive to realize that something was clearly different. That look of love in his eyes no longer seemed to be there. I was sitting with a million questions reeling through my mind as I tried to figure out when he was going to drop the bomb on me. My brain said to not open my mouth but my heart decided it had to. “What is going on?” I quietly asked.
“Nothing.”
“You’re not acting the way you used to. There is something different, something has changed here,” I stated harshly.
“I…um, don’t know what to say.”
“What the hell does that mean? Something is going on and I think that you owe me an explanation.” My anger grew by the minute.
“I don’t know where to start,” he hesitantly said.
“How about anywhere! Just tell me what is going on.”
“I’m sorry but we just can’t go out any more,” he blurted. “It started when my ex-girlfriend called me. I went with her for a long time. Hearing from her and talking to her made me realize that I don’t want to get married now. I feel that is where we were headed if we continued to go out.”
“You can’t be serious! I wasn’t pushing you into marriage! Everything was perfect,” I cried.
“I know—that is the problem, everything was too perfect, it—kind of scared me,” he said softly. “You are the marrying type and I’m not ready to get married.”
“This has to be the lamest excuse for breaking up that I have ever heard! I by no means was pushing to get married and you know it! I think you just used me and wanted to get back with your ex-girlfriend! Take me home!”
“I—”
“Save it, I really don’t want to hear another word!”
The rest of the ride back to my house was silent. I couldn’t even cry. I was fuming. When he finally pulled in front of my house, I got out of the car the second I could. As I slammed his car door, I heard him say, “I am sorry.”
I didn’t want to face my parents and luckily, they were out that night. I went to my room and just sat, re-thinking all that had just happened. I was too angry to cry. I called my cousin and told her what he said.
She was just as dumbfounded as me. “Screw him! Let’s just go out tomorrow night. Maybe he’ll realize what he just lost and call you?” she added, sympathetically.
“Seriously, I don’t know that I would trust him again after this. It seems as if everything has just been a lie or a show, nothing was genuine and real. I feel like I finally moved on with my life for the first time since losing Danny, only to find Mike didn’t really love me.”
I was so tired of having my heart walked on over and over again. I was going to go about my life and maybe someday, I would find that right one—maybe, maybe not. I deserved someone who could make my heart race and flutter every time I heard their voice. I wanted someone who made me feel like Danny did, whose voice was all I needed. Losing Mike made me realize that as much as I believed I loved him, maybe something was missing. It was nice having a boyfriend and not having any fights. Maybe, just maybe, I didn’t really love him like I had thought and I was just going through the motions also? Or, maybe I did and this was the only way to get over the pain?
~* * * *~
I realized one day that my life was a total bore. I worked and then sat around, watched television or read a book. I went out occasionally but just didn’t want to deal with any more heartache that seemed to follow me around. I went to see Kyle at the bar once in a while. We talked, flirted, and went our separate ways. Nothing changed and maybe it was better that way for the time being. I also found myself thinking of Danny and missing him.
Debbie and I decided to plan a trip to Acapulco. We needed to get away from home for a while. We planned to leave on April 27, and we wouldn’t come back until May 4. We would just lie in the sun and get a nice tan every day.
As the trip was getting closer, I was getting more anxious to be away. I was daydreaming when I heard the phone ring once. Maybe I imaged it? Then the phone began to ring again. It couldn’t be after all those months! “Hello,” I answered, my heart already racing and not even knowing if it was really Danny on the other end of the phone.
“Hey, it’s me.”
I couldn’t believe it was him. It’d been so long since I had heard his voice. Why did just a few words send my mind racing back in time? “How are you doing? I can’t believe it’s really you. It has been so long since we talked.” I was smiling for the first time in so long.
“I’m doing well, how are you doing?”
“I’m doing okay…I guess. My cousin and I are going away next week to Acapulco. I can’t wait to get away from here for a week.”
“I’m working nights at the taxi, driving a cab. You should stop by one night, say hello. Wait, what times are your flights?” he asked.
“We leave at 10:00 am on the 27th and we come home at 11:00 pm on May 4th, why?” I questioned, already praying he would say he would drive us to the airport.
“Well, I can pick you up when you come back if you want? I work nights. I wish I could drive you there too, but I have to work during the day with my dad.”
“Okay, that sounds good. I have a ride to the airport, but now no one will have to come pick us up late. That will help us out a lot. Thank you!” I truly couldn’t wait to see him.
“Okay, I better get back to work. It was good talking to you. I love you and I still miss you. I think of you often!”
“I love and miss you too! Goodbye.” A sudden sadness reminded me that he would never again be mine.
“Bye, call me when you land on the 4th.” Then he hung up.
I forgot I was holding the phone and only had a dial tone. It wasn’t long before it started making that crazy noise when you don’t hang it up. I hung up the phone as a tiny tear fell slowly down my cheek. I wiped it away. I refused to cry. A part of me would always miss him, but tears wouldn’t help. I found something on television to take my mind off getting to see him again. I needed to concentrate on my trip.
~* * * *~
We landed in Acapulco at 1:30. It was about 95 degrees. We couldn’t wait to get in our bathing suits and go swimming. We had a beautiful oceanfront room. As fast as we could find our suits in our bags, we were dressed and ready to hit the pool. We sat in the sun and swam the rest of the afternoon. Our first night, we went to a club called Le Dome and had a fantastic time. We had a few drinks and danced the night away.
The next day, we sat by the pool all day. It had a slide that was so much fun. During the afternoon, we did some shopping. The prices were great! After dinner, we found another club to try, this one called Jackie O’s, but they did not have a good crowd. We began to feel very out of place but wanted to dance. We should have left when we got the bad feeling. We saw some guy with a gun and quickly left. We went back to our room and watched a movie. We would never go back to that place. We would go back to Le Dome the next night.
We spent another day at the pool, just loving this p
ool. Finding good food was becoming difficult. We went out that afternoon and found a Kentucky Fried Chicken. It wasn’t as bad as the rest of the food we’d been getting. We danced the night away at Le Dome and got back to our room at 4:00 in the morning, just in time to crash.
The next day we over-did the sun. We both were so burned and in so much pain that we felt sick. We decided to just order room service and watch television that night.
Without the pool and tanning, there wasn’t much to do. We walked around downtown for a while and did some more shopping. That night we went back to Le Dome and danced until late. Sleep came quickly.
We made the mistake the next day of going back out in the sun and falling asleep. By the time we walked back to our room, which was very difficult, we literally were in tears. We both had blisters. Mine were on my shoulders and Debbie’s were on her knees. As the night went on, the pain intensified. I’d never had a burn like that before in my life. We called downstairs, begging for help, needing something we could put on the sunburn. Nothing was open. They sent us up tomatoes. We were desperate. We sat in agony with tomatoes on our burns.
I began to think about going home. Part of me felt anxious to get back home, see my dogs, and part of me was enjoying being away from it all. I also thought what it would be like to see Danny again face to face.
Then the day to leave was upon us. When you know it’s time to leave, the traveling part is annoying. You just want to get home. So, of course, our plane was delayed.
We didn’t land until 1:00 am and then had to wait a long time for our luggage. I called the taxi and they said they would let Danny know we landed and that he should be there soon. He told us where to wait for him. My heart began to race, as I would see him soon, although truly I was so tired from barely any sleep and traveling all day, part of me just wanted to get home quickly.
Debbie and I were standing outside the terminal. We didn’t have to wait too long. I saw a taxi and somehow I just knew it was him inside.
The taxi pulled over and he quickly got out helping us with the luggage. “You look great!” he said.
“Thanks!” As I looked at him, our eyes locked. No other words needed to be spoken. They weren’t necessary.
“Hey Deb, did you have a nice trip?” he asked my cousin.
“Yeah, we could have done without the sun poisoning, but overall yes it was nice.” She then laughed.
On the ride home, he asked more about what we did on vacation. We dropped my cousin off first, of course. On the way to my house, he began to tell me how much he missed me and still loved me. I of course felt the same, but it didn’t change the reality. He told me to stop by and visit him at the taxi. We sat in front of my house for a while, just holding each other tight, as if we wished we would never have to let go.
“I love you, always and forever,” he said with a smile.
“I love you, forever and always,” I said, smiling back. It always seemed to get us to laugh, remembering the first time we said those words.
He needed to get back to work, so we shared a soft kiss on the lips that lingered and then he was gone once again.
~* * * *~
In July, around what used to be our anniversary, we arranged a night together. We drove to a fancy, romantic hotel called the Commack Motor Inn. It had a Jacuzzi in the room and a heart-shaped bed. We had stopped on the way for a bottle of champagne and I had brought two plastic cups with me. Everything about the night was magic. We were both nervous, like we’d just met, even though we had known each other for so long. The room was beautiful and cozy. We took a bubble bath together and drank some of the champagne to relax. Afterward, I changed into a nightgown I’d gotten just for that night. We made love really for the first true time. We laid side by side, our hearts pressed up to each other, beating as one. All our other times didn’t have the magic that we found that night.
Time went by too fast. The magic disappeared as reality came back into our lives and we had to drive back to our lives apart. We held hands and spoke very few words for the long drive back to our other worlds. We didn’t discuss when we would see each other again, as arranging time together was hard. There were no regrets, even though we both knew the night together was wrong, but the fantasy of it and opening our souls to each other would last forever.
~* * * *~
My cousin and I started going to a new nightclub we found out about. It was called Uncle Sam’s. It was a really nice club and had a good crowd. The dance floor was big. Disco lights flashed and really great dancing music filled the air. When we went to the bar, we saw Bobby, Danny’s friend. He was a bartender there. It was Bobby who told me that Danny’s wife was having another baby, due in March. He was someone who truly believed that we would have wound up together. He thought I already knew somehow. Hearing the news broke the bubble surrounding my head, reminding me that Danny would never be mine again and that he had a family. I put on a good front and didn’t show how extremely painful hearing this news truly was. I managed, with a couple drinks—at a great discount from Bobby and comforting words from my cousin—to get through the night. We had a great new place to hang out at now and life must go on. I knew the night Danny and I had together couldn’t and wouldn’t change anything, no matter how much I dreamed it could have. When I got home, I cried myself to sleep.
It was weeks later, when I finally visited Danny at his job. We didn’t make plans to get together, we just sat and talked. I told him that I knew about the baby. He had planned to tell me, wanted to tell me, but he was afraid of how I would react. I explained to him how it hurt me deeply. How I cried myself to sleep the night I heard from Bobby, but also knew deep down what we had wasn’t real. Our love was real but everything else was just a false reality. If only we were able to communicate when we were together like we were able to then. I knew I shouldn’t have tortured myself by going there, but I just needed to see him even if only for a minute. I found myself thinking of him a lot.
We now had the friendship that I so wished we’d had when we were younger. We continued to talk about his life and mine. We were even able to discuss Wanda and I told him about what happened with Mike. He didn’t know about Bobby bartending and wondered how I had seen him. He told me he would try to meet me there one night. I didn’t stay too long and didn’t want to keep him from his work. Goodbye was always the hardest part—a long hug and a quick soft kiss, until next time, if there was one.
~* * * *~
Leslie, Crystal, Liz, Debbie, and I became regulars at Uncle Sam’s. Life moved forward whether I liked it or not. The girls and I had some great times, but there were times I missed having a boyfriend and there were times my thoughts were filled with Danny. It would be months later when Danny told me that he would go to Uncle Sam’s to meet me and see Bobby. Everyone would be there, so in my mind it helped me to not think of the guilt of meeting behind Wanda’s back.
The day our plan was supposed to happen, I woke up sick, and as much as I wanted to go, there was just no way I could. I spent the night wondering if he showed up and if he asked about me.
When I spoke to Debbie the next day she told me that he did show up and seemed disappointed that I wasn’t there. I guessed the night just wasn’t meant to be and hopefully one day soon, we could try to arrange it again, although it wasn’t easy for him to get out and take off work. Wanda thought he was working.
Lately, all I did was get sick. My job was making me sick, being around so many people’s mouths. I decided to make a change and quit. I found a job as a nanny for two little girls, close to my house, and that gave me a chance to do something totally different for a while. Maybe I just needed some changes to get me out of the rut I felt I was in.
The woman I started working for was named Debra. It was going to be confusing with two Debbie’s in my life. The little girls were adorable and I loved spending time with them. I got to be outdoors. I took them for walks all over town. A part of me always hoped to pass Danny in his work van. He drove a van during th
e day with his job for his dad.
I filled my days with work and my nights either with one of the girls, or with all of them, or recently, getting really close to my mom. She enjoyed getting out of the house, so we found lots of excuses to go shopping. I found myself sharing many of my feelings with her, except about Danny. Maybe someday. For the time being, I was just happy to have her as a friend as well as my mother.
I also had become really close with Debra. She wasn’t much older than me, so we seemed to have a lot in common. Her children loved me as I did them, and Debra was thrilled to have someone she trusted to care for them while she worked.
Danny and I met at the taxi once in a while. He tried to pass my new job and stopped by when he could for a quick hello and to see how I was doing. We didn’t make any plans to see each other, other than our little meetings at his job or mine.
The holidays came and went. It was the first year that I didn’t have anyone special to share them with. It was very depressing, yet I had my newfound friendship with my mom, which made them bearable. Debra and the kids also made the holidays more fun. Seeing kids’ faces around the holidays always makes things brighter.
New Year’s Eve, Crystal, Leslie, Liz, Debbie, and I went to Gadgets. It’d been a long time since we had gone there. It was nice to see Kyle and catch up. Even though we still had some sort of chemistry, we didn’t act on it. We seemed to do better as friends. He did find me at midnight and gave me a nice hug and kiss.
My friends and I stayed until almost closing and then went to a diner on the way home for a snack. It was so late when we finally were all safely at home. Another year bit the dust.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
1988 – Age 25
The New Year began and my somewhat boring life continued. I dreamed of being married and having kids. When I was with the little girls, it made me want to have children even more.
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