“I love it!” he said as he put it on.
“You’re a hard one to buy for. I’m so glad you like it. I love my ring!” I knew I was beyond beaming with happiness.
We spent dinner with my family and dessert with his. Everyone loved my ring and he got a lot of nice compliments on his new watch.
“I’m sorry I can’t get off New Year’s Eve,” he said sadly. “You know I would if I could, but you will come there with your friends, right?”
“Of course! I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. We’ll go out the next night. It’s fine, seriously,” I said, wishing he could have had the night off, but I knew taking off New Year’s when you work in a bar wasn’t an easy task.
~* * * *~
The club looked very crowded. It was so hard to even get near the bar to see Kyle. Every time I made my way to the bar and had to stand a long time, waiting for his attention, he apologized. With the place so packed when it was almost midnight, I couldn’t even see him through the crowd and felt sad that I wouldn’t get to kiss him. Of course, I did understand—it was his job.
Then when midnight arrived and the noise was so loud, it felt as if the lights would come crashing down, he found me.
“Aren’t you going to get in trouble for leaving the bar?” I asked, although I was so happy to have him standing next to me.
“Don’t worry about it, I took care of it. I can only stay for a minute, but I couldn’t let the New Year begin without you,” he said lovingly, as he put his hands on my cheeks and gave me a kiss. “Happy New Year. I love you.” He gazed deep into my eyes.
“Happy New Year to you, too, and I love you, too,” I said, gazing deeply into his eyes as 1988 ended and a New Year began with happiness.
I got home really late, or should I say, early in the morning. It was a great night even though I didn’t fully get to spend it with Kyle. When I finally crawled into bed, I found myself thinking of Danny. I don’t know what triggered it. It had been so long since I had even let him cross my mind. A part of me just wished I knew if he was really happy and if he was okay. Maybe it was because I believed I was finally happy and okay. It’d been a long, hard road but I made it. I was finally at a place where I could feel happiness for him and his life without me and me without him. I loved him still, I would always love him, and I would always deep down, miss him. I found a way to shake the thoughts away and finally drifted off to sleep, dreaming of my night ahead with Kyle.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
1989 – Age 26
Six months later……
“Can you believe we have been together almost a year?” I asked, excited that maybe one day soon, he would surprise me with an engagement ring. At least I hoped.
“I know, it seems like just yesterday,” Kyle responded.
I kept thinking of my clock ticking. I saw time passing too fast. I just wanted to be married. I wanted children while I was still young. I hinted every chance I got to get the message across to him. I even spoke to his sister about it and she thought he was just not ready to make that kind of commitment. It was becoming very frustrating. I tried not to harp about it but on the inside, my frustration began to take on an anger towards him at times.
He saw the look in my eyes and, knowing me so well, he knew what I was thinking. “I am sorry…I’m just not ready for what you’re thinking.”
“How do you know what I’m thinking?” I asked, even though I knew he was right.
“I know you. I don’t have the type of job I need to have to support a family. I am content with what we have for now. I wish you were able to feel the same.”
“I am content, I just—want to have a family and sometimes, I think maybe you will never want the same thing,” I responded.
“I can’t answer that for sure right now,” he explained. “I know I love you and I want to be with you, but marriage just isn’t something I am ready to do just now. I can’t say when that might change, if it will change.”
“It would just be nice to know that we do have a future together,” I whined. I just kept hearing that word IF over and over in my head.
Kyle had no answers or explanations. We tried hard and did manage to temporarily move past it, but it continued to be a constant thorn in our sides.
Since we knew each other so well and really did care about each other, we decided it would be best if we spent some time apart. There was no hate. There were no ugly words between us, and there were no tears. We both felt sad, but we just couldn’t seem to get on that same page about a future together. Maybe time apart would show him what I meant to him. Maybe it was just the push that he needed to make that final commitment to me.
~* * * *~
I found a new routine alone and found myself really enjoying my time with my mother. My relationship with her was unlike what my friends had with their moms. I loved spending time with her. We went shopping, watched movies in my room, and went to hockey games on the nights my dad didn’t feel like going. They purchased season tickets since we all loved going so much. I knew my parents’ marriage wasn’t the happiest and when my mom was with me, she seemed happy. I felt lucky to have the closeness I did with her.
At work, Debra was having another baby soon, so I would have three children to take care of. I didn’t mind, it just pulled my heart strings. I was hoping that someday, it would be me having a baby. I dreamed of having a married life and a home I could call my own.
~* * * *~
My parents decided we were going to go to Nashville, Tennessee. Country music had always been a part of my life. It would be a family vacation for all of us. We hadn’t really ever had a family vacation, so this was something new and exciting.
The trip changed everything for us as a family. When you’re older, you begin to see your parents in a totally different light than when you were younger. My dad was a lot of fun on vacation. He was much less OCD when he was away. It reminded me of a time when I was younger, when I was really close to him. I was a total daddy’s little girl and would stand talking to him every day when he shaved. Once I hit those teen years and then boys came into my life, we grew apart.
Being in Tennessee together helped us to become the family that we hadn’t been in years. We stayed in the most beautiful hotel I’d ever seen in my life, Opryland. It had waterfalls inside. Everything about it was wonderful.
We met my parents’ family friends there, Norman and Helen. I had known them my whole life. They were the funniest people to be around, not even trying to be. We didn’t know it originally, but Norman had sleep apnea and everywhere we went he fell asleep. We went to the Grand Ole Opry show, during which he fell asleep and spilled his drink all over the girl in front of him. At a concert, he fell asleep, and during a silent part was snoring loudly as everyone in the stadium looked our way. At the NASCAR stock car races, someone clammed him.
Norman loved to bust my dad’s chops about his OCD. My dad took many medications, most of them vitamins and some prescriptions necessary for his health. They were all laid out on the bed as my dad was organizing them. Norman decided to put on a pair of Doctor Dentins with feet, came running into our room—their room was attached—and jumped on the bed, sending the pills flying everywhere. Under normal circumstances, my dad would have completely lost it. This time, however, there was can’t-even-breathe-holding-your-stomach laughter.
Time away always goes by way too fast, but we talked about going back there again really soon. I saw my parents in a whole new light during that vacation. We even talked of the possibility of moving to Tennessee someday, when they retired.
I found myself on a completely new path of life. A life where my family had taken on a whole new meaning and where spending time enjoying life with them was actually something I looked forward to doing more of.
~* * * *~
My parents arranged for us to go back to Tennessee for Country Christmas. While we were in Tennessee before, we had heard that Country Christmas was the best. That gave me something to look forward to
for the holiday season, since I didn’t have anyone special to share it with that year, at least as of that time.
The week in Tennessee during Christmas was amazing! Everywhere we went, there were beautiful lights and people singing. I found myself in a Christmas spirit that I never dreamed I would have that year. My dad was such a different person on vacation and I found that time with my parents was a time to cherish. We made such wonderful memories and shared many laughs.
I found myself at night thinking of Danny and wishing he could be there with me to see all of it. He would have loved it there.
My relationship with my parents was different now after sharing those trips. I found myself treated more like the adult that I was, rather than the child they always tried to protect, especially my dad. My mom and I had already developed a mature, respectable friendship. She became a best friend I could turn to when I needed, as well as being my mother who wanted to protect me. Now, my dad had also become someone I could relate to in a whole different way, and instead of resenting time, I looked forward to more times together.
Christmas Day was an uneventful but wonderful time with my parents and grandparents. I didn’t make any plans like usual, to go out and get away from them. I was perfectly content just being home.
On New Year’s Eve, my parents were planning a really big party at our house. A lot of people would be there, family and my parents’ friends. I convinced my cousin to be there instead of going out. For the first time since we were kids, we would stay home on New Year’s Eve and ring it in with family.
“Are you sure you are going to be okay with Danny’s parents here tonight?” Debbie asked me.
“I’m fine, seriously! I doubt with me around, they will even mention his name.”
“I know you are fine, but—”
“There are no buts. I’m looking forward to the party and not worried at all about seeing his parents. It has been a really long time. I’m a different person now, you know that.” She knew all the past tears, hard days, and hard nights I endured, which gave me the strength I now had. “It’s also going to be really strange not being at Gadgets tonight. I wonder if Kyle will even think of me?”
“You’re right, wow. I didn’t even think of that one,” Debbie replied. “I’ve just been worried about Danny’s parents. I didn’t even realize this will be your first New Year’s in two years, you won’t be at Gadgets.”
“This will be a totally different start of a new year. I’m really looking forward to a year that maybe starts and actually ends happy,” I said. “No more tears, only good things to come, and maybe this will be the year of great things for me, for once, and for you!”
“Yes! Tonight we will begin a New Year and this will be a great year for both of us, finally!” Debbie added enthusiastically. “Next week, let’s go to Gillie’s. Maybe we’ll meet some New York Islanders. One of my friends says a bunch of them go there after the games now.”
“That sounds good to me!”
I didn’t share my inner thoughts with anyone of Danny that day, or my true thoughts about not being at Gadgets that night. I didn’t want to go there. I just wondered what, if anything, would Kyle think when I didn’t show up. Even though I hadn’t talked to him in a while, I bet he thought I would show up. The last time he called me late one night, he was hinting for me to go down and visit soon. I would go there one night soon, but for now, I was really happy just being home with my family. I also did worry about seeing Danny’s parents, even though I did believe they wouldn’t discuss him around me. But seeing them always brought back memories. I was stronger now though, and I thought deep down I would get through the night with flying colors. Even though I’d been hurt so many times, I wouldn’t change anything about my past. I had no regrets. My destiny would find its way to me someday.
~* * * *~
We set up the house for the New Year party. We hung banners and lights all around.
Everyone started arriving around 8:00 pm. My dad put some good music on the stereo. Laughter, conversation, and music began to fill my house. When Danny’s parents arrived, as luck would have it, I was the one who opened the door. There was no awkwardness, which I had pictured in my mind as a possibility. They seemed genuinely happy to see me, even gave me a great big hug and kiss. It put me at ease and set the stage for a great evening ahead.
A short while later in the kitchen, as we got some of the food to serve, my mom stopped me.
“You okay?” she asked. She knew this was the first time I’d been face to face with Danny’s parents in a long time.
“Yes, I’m fine, really! You sound like Debbie,” I said, laughing.
“I am proud of you and I’m really glad that you’re here tonight,” my mom said with a look of deep love in her eyes.
“Me too mom, me too. I love you!”
“I love you, too,” she said with a huge smile.
My parents didn’t spare anything for that night. At midnight, tons of horns and noisemakers filled my house with the wonderful sounds of celebration.
When everyone left, we all pitched in and cleaned up the best we could before crashing.
That night was the perfect beginning to what I envisioned to be a perfect year ahead. For a brief second, I thought of Danny as sleep took over.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
1990 – Age 27
“Oh, my God! I can’t believe we’re actually going out with New York Islanders tonight!” Debbie giggled. “I still can’t believe this happened.”
“I know. I can’t believe we are either!” I said ecstatically.
We’d met them on our first official New Year weekend out. We went to Gillie’s to watch the hockey game. A couple of hours after the game, the players started piling in. The place was packed. We just happened to have extra chairs at our table and two of them asked if we minded if they sat with us. Who were we to say no to two hockey players? We knew a lot about hockey, so talking to them was pretty easy, and they did like to talk about themselves. They asked to take us to dinner the following night and we both immediately agreed. We didn’t have any high expectations about seeing them again. We just really thought it would be cool to say we went out with them.
The next night, we met the guys at the restaurant. It was a really nice place, fancy and quiet, and with soft lights. It didn’t seem to take long before Debbie and I realized just how truly self-centered they really were. In the bathroom, we both laughed hysterically about it, but we knew someday, we would be able to say we went on a date with them and that made it all worthwhile. I thought we bored them and we weren’t surprised at the end of the night when they didn’t mention getting together again. We spent the car ride home laughing about our memorable evening.
The following weekend we went back to Gillie’s. We did see them there and they were polite and at least said, “Hi,” to us, but we didn’t sit with them.
~* * * *~
My phone rang late one night. I was half asleep as I reached for it.
“It’s me,” he said.
My heart stopped for an instant and I woke up. He didn’t need to say his name—I knew his voice. “How are you?” I asked as my mind took me back in time. It’d had been so very long since I heard his voice. I hadn’t talked to him at all since that night we said goodbye and I watched him disappear from my life.
“I’m doing good,” he replied.
We made small talk for a few minutes. He then began to tell me about how big the baby was and how he was driving a bus for a hotel.
I told him about my life. I told him about my vacations to Tennessee with my parents, and my job. He got really quiet when I told him about the hockey player.
“Sounds like you are doing good and are happy,” he remarked.
“Yes, I really am. It has been a long hard road, but yes I can say with all honesty that I am happy and content with my life,” I stated with complete confidence in my words. “By the way, I saw your parents a couple of weeks ago. They were here for New Year’s.”
>
“I was afraid to call you. I really didn’t want to think about you meeting someone new, I know it’s wrong. I wasn’t even sure if you maybe even got engaged or something.”
“No, I am not engaged.” I laughed. “I hope someday, but for now, I’m content with my life the way it is. I am enjoying hanging out with my cousin.”
“I hope me calling is all right?” he asked. “I will just feel better now, knowing that you’re doing good and are really happy.”
“It’s fine, I’m glad that you called, really…I’m fine and I came to terms with reality a long time ago. It has been so long since we last talked, longest in all the years I have known you.”
“Like I said, I didn’t want to hurt you by calling. I was afraid to, but I am glad I did,” he added.
“I am glad you did too,” I said, as I realized I could finally handle hearing his voice and not break into tears.
We made more small talk. We didn’t discuss talking to each other again.
“I better go, but it was really nice hearing your voice,” he stated.
“It was really good to hear yours, too. It’s nice to hear your life is happy, which is all I ever wanted for you,” I said with a tiny hint of sadness, yet I smiled at the same time, while I realized just how strong I had become.
“I want you to be happy too, and I do hope you find someone that gives you all you need,” he mumbled. “Bye.”
“Bye,” I replied as the phone call ended and I was left with a dial tone.
I felt so proud of myself about how well I thought I handled hearing his voice. I had truly moved on and that night confirmed it for me. Hearing his voice did bring back so many memories, but for the first time I was able to relive some of those memories with some happiness now. I could never regret my love for him and I knew it would never die. He would always be a part of my soul, and no matter where he was, a part of him would forever live on with me. Being able to accept that was half my battle in getting on with my life.
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