I arrive home, still in a pissy mood. I don’t know why he couldn’t have just sent the fucking letter, and I don’t want him all in my space while I read it. This is a reason I didn’t want to give up my apartment . . . no privacy. He finally calls some of his friends and goes out to shoot some pool. I have the house to myself and pour a glass of wine. I retrieve the letter and with shaking hands I open it, not prepared at all for what it will say.
Paisley,
It has been sometime since you had to say goodbye to me and if I know you, you are struggling but getting through. I want to say I am proud of you for doing what I asked, and I know you didn’t let me down. I have powers up here now, I can tell if you did it or not, and you don’t want me haunting you.
It has been even longer since you turned your back and said goodbye to Jake. It has been too long that you both have suffered. He is divorced, Paisley. He hasn’t moved on from you, just like you haven’t moved on from him. You may be sitting pretty with doctor-boy or you may be single by now, I don’t know. I can’t see in the future, but I do know without a doubt in my mind—YOU LOVE JAKE! And you always will. He is your one and only. Some of us only get that once in life; I was lucky to experience it twice and I am so thankful that I opened up and let love in. You aren’t going to do that, because you are meant to be with him.
He loves you, a love I have never seen before. Sure, he made mistakes, he hurt you, but he hurt himself more. I talked to him about a year ago. He didn’t ask about you but I know he wanted to know. I didn’t give him any information but left him with the same words I am going to say to you. Young love is hard; it doesn’t always grow the way it should and sometimes you lose it True love always survives and you can never extinguish that fire. It entraps your whole body, your entire soul and you fight like hell for it. You had both, young love and true love. Your young love was extinguished, but what are you going to do with your true love.
I want you to be happy, Paisley. Really happy, where you don’t question it because it radiates from you. I remember that girl and I want to be able to look down and see that girl again.
All my love,
Krista
Even in the end, she was thinking of me, hoping for my happiness. I understand what she is saying, but I don’t know what I am going to do with it.
Wayne comes home, and I haven’t moved from the spot, and the letter is still at my side. I would like to say I have been thinking over her words, coming up with a solution, but I haven’t. I am still frozen in the unknown, and wondering do I want to risk it all again.
He sees the letter. “Do you mind?” I shake my head at him and he picks up the letter and reads it. I can’t tell from his facial expressions what he is thinking and he remains stoic as he studies me. “Do you want to go to him?” God, I don’t want to hurt anyone else in this mess.
“I don’t know,” I have to give him honestly.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Paisley. I know that if Angela were still here I would do everything in my power to keep her safe and be by her side. I can’t tell you not to follow your heart, you know what I have to offer and all I ask is the same in return. If you feel like you want Jake, then I support you, but all I want is you to make that decision before you commit to me. Divorce isn’t an option that I want on the table for a later date. I would hate to lose you, but I would hate for you to be miserable. You know I adore you and will spend our life together cherishing you but love is not an option.”
“I know Wayne, and that is what makes me feel safe with you. Love is a powerful emotion; it can destroy you.”
“It can, but it can also heal you. Your friend Krista was pretty smart in her observations. Just promise to always be honest with me, and that is all I ask from you until you become my wife. Once you commit to me, I need to know that it is forever.”
“I promise, Wayne. I adore you, you know that?”
Talking things out with Wayne usually makes me feel better, but now I am just more confused.
Part III
Chapter 35
Jake
Hope is important because it can make the present moment less difficult to bear. If we believe that tomorrow will be better, we can bear a hardship today.
Thich Nhat Hanh
I don’t know where the time has gone and what I have done with my life. Turning down the overseas job was a blessing in disguise. When that plane crashed I lost a lot of good friends and co-workers and slowly have been putting my life back together. Laura turned nine, and thinks she is a princess, and in a way she is correct. She has two dads that dote on her, and I thank the heavens that Lisa and Mick got their shit together and Laura has that family unit to learn from. I have had the highest of highs and the lowest of lows in my years, and as I approach my twenty-ninth birthday next month, I really need to decide how I want to proceed with my life. I have given up waiting for Paisley. I could have made the attempt to reach out to her, but I have done what she asked. I let her walk away and I always thought she would come back to me when the time was right.
Last year, I got a call from Krista out of the blue, almost like she was making amends. I wanted to ask her about Paisley, I wasn’t even sure they talked after their blow-up but she put my mind at ease and then left me hanging. She told me Paisley was doing well, but not living. What is that supposed to mean? I take it she didn’t get married because Krista said she was back in Florida, but that is all she gave me. I wanted to ask so many things, but I didn’t. I was a coward, and I don’t know what I would have found out. I think the unknown is scarier than what I dream up. And I still dream of her, not every night but enough that I still wake up most mornings feeling empty and missing her.
A huge part of me wants to reach out, show and tell her everything I have done with my life, and I hope she would be proud of me. I know she would, and I know she would have been right by my side supporting me in my dreams, as I should have hers. I find myself preparing speeches for her, like I will get the chance to talk to her, and I don’t want to miss an opportunity. I have battled with myself with actually sending her a letter with all I want to say to her, but I don’t. I keep on with my life, not quiet and empty man because I have Laura but it definitely isn’t as full as I pictured it.
I have learned from my mistakes. The life I pictured was just that; the way I pictured it. I felt as long as Paisley was in it then whatever I wanted would be fine, but I never took into consideration incorporating her images and dreams in our future. I made the plans, reiterated them to her and expected her to follow. She wasn’t a damn dog. I had my own reasons, and the biggest one is my overwhelming need to protect her. Even now, I want to be her salvation. I want to be that missing piece for her.
I have learned to place blame where needed and not take full credit for our downfalls. I was wrong in so many areas, but she didn’t stay and fight. I let her go without a fight, so I am sure that played into her doubts and unease, but she was a strong girl, she should have stood her ground, but instead she let all of us around her make her decisions and steer her away from what she wanted. I realize now that had we gone forward in our relationship, we wouldn’t have worked out. Instead of walking away hating each other, I hope we can both still think of the great times. There were many to choose from. Everything I have experienced without her hasn’t held the same meaning. There hasn’t been the fire beneath the surface that would engulf both of us. My relationships weren’t all bad, but they weren’t meaningful after her.
I am broke from my thoughts, “Daddy, Daddy,” I hear Laura screeching down the hallway.
“In here, sweetpea.” I call from the living room.
“Dad dropped me off, he is coming in. What is with all the boxes?” She is taking stock of the moving boxes in my living room.
“Well, we are moving. I don’t know where or when, but today we are going to look at some houses. I think it is time to get out of this apartment,” I tell her while I tweak her nose. I watch her eyes light up before she starts tw
irling in the living room, tripping over her own feet. I stifle my laughter because she is very self-conscious about being a klutz.
“Will I still have my own room?”
“Of course,” I have a feeling these questions will go on forever.
“Will it be like a castle? I could have my own tower.”
“Let’s be a bit more realistic. Daddy isn’t a King even if you are a princess, so how about a normal house?” She is pondering my question.
“But, Daddy you are a King. The most handsomest one ever. I have a normal house with Mom and Dad, I don’t want the same one.” I can tell with the whine in her voice this may become a full meltdown.
“Laura,” I tell her in my best ‘dad’ voice, “we have lots of choices to look at today. Ms. Maura is taking us to look at some houses in about an hour.”
“Is Ms. Maura the lady I saw you with at the store?” Oh shit, I forgot about that. The other evening after our dinner we decided to grab some wine and head back to my place. We weren’t exclusive but enjoyed each other’s company. I don’t introduce Laura to women I date, fuck, or have any sort of relationship with. I may just be crossing the line today.
“Yes, she is also a realtor, someone who finds new homes for people, so she will show us some pretty places, only fit for a princess.”
“Is she your girlfriend?”
“No, nosy, she isn’t. She is a friend.”
“Then why was you holding her hand? Mom said that is what people in love do.” Remind me to strangle Lisa and curse the fates who decided to give me a curious nine year old.
“She had just slipped, so I was making sure she didn’t fall,” I lie to my daughter and have no shame in it.
“She is pretty, Daddy. She should be your girlfriend, and then maybe I get another Mommy. I think the girl in your room is prettier.” I know she is referring to the picture of Paisley I refuse to take down. I don’t even think Paisley ever saw it; it was taken from the ship as we deployed the last time. She is staring out after the ship, watching it and even though you can feel the sadness radiating from her, you can see her beauty shining through. As soon as I saw that proof, I knew I had to have it and I have it displayed on my dresser in my room, I still want her to be the last thing I see before I shut my eyes.
“Yes, sweetpea. Maura is pretty and the girl in my room is beautiful. That is what I used to call her.” I have never hidden Paisley from Laura, but she doesn’t ask many questions. Until today I think she only thought it was the picture the frame came with. Laura runs off to go in her room, and I continue packing odds and ends away. I open the door when Maura gets here and she sneaks in a quick kiss, but I pull back before it gets heated. I have boundaries when my daughter is around and it looks like I will be explaining those, although I don’t know what gave Maura the idea we were that type of couple.
“Maura, my daughter is here. There is no touching when I have her.” I am trying to find a way out of this gracefully.
“Jake, she isn’t in the room. Quit being paranoid. She is going to see it sometime.” Just the way she said my name grated on my nerves, and I don’t know what her last comment was about. I let it go and call Laura to join us.
“We will just follow you, Maura. After this I have a date with my princess for ice cream.”
“Oh, I like ice cream,” she says trying to be overly friendly with Laura.
“It is Daddy and Laura time, only,” I love my little girl. She fielded that situation for me perfectly. I shoot her a wink to let her know how spot on she was.
The first few houses are over kill. Who needs six or seven bedrooms and being on top of your neighbors? I was very clear with what I wanted. “Maura, none of this appeals to me. I told you I wanted four bedrooms, maybe five so I could convert to an office or play area for Laura, a basement that was finished, and a few acres. Those were the only stipulations I had, and these mini-mansions are not what I had in mind at all.” I see her quick frown before she hides it with her best smile.
“I just wanted to show you all your options,” and suddenly I think she is talking about more than houses. Geez, I have fucked her a handful of times, no sleep overs, and no promises of a relationship.
“I saw them, I don’t like them, so can we move on?” She just nods, and I follow her out of the house with Laura on my heels.
We drive a few more miles out of town and the next few houses are what I am interested in. I haven’t found that one yet, until we pull into the driveway of a log cabin home. It is rustic but yet modern on the outside. I see the property line is marked off for a fence, and I am guessing about three acres. I turn back to Laura and shoot her a wink and I am met with her brilliant smile that shows me we are on the same wavelength.
Making our way inside, I can see it needs some updating. I would rip out all the carpet and replace it with hard wood floors, update the kitchen, some paint, and it would be just what I always dreamed of raising a family in. The selling point is the wrap around porch. I can sit at any point and stare at my land or watch Laura play. “I want it,” I tell her. Laura is clapping and jumping up and down next to me.
Maura turns to me with her nose scrunched up, “Are you sure? It is a bit further from town than I am comfortable with, and it needs a lot of work. A move-in ready house like I showed you earlier would be perfect.” I think she forgets who is buying this.
“I am sure. The drive shouldn’t bother you because I didn’t invite you out here, and I have plans for it. This is exactly perfect for Laura and I. Send me the contract, and I want to make a full offer.” I don’t care what it costs; this is going to be my home. Maura is taken aback by my declaration, but maybe she will get the hint. I make my exit and go get some ice cream with my best gal and listen to her constant chatter about her room color and what we need to buy and how we will place furniture. She stuns me with her next suggestion.
“Daddy, can we move the pretty picture out of your room? I want it where you can always see it.”
“Why is that, sweetpea?” I don’t know where all the curiosity is coming from.
“I like looking at it, I wish I knew her. And every time you look at it you smile and are happy. I always want you happy, Daddy.” Out of the mouths of babes.
Chapter 36
Paisley
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.
Marianne Williamson
Six weeks and I get married. I am losing my mind and having my mom and future mother-in-law calling me constantly about patterns, food, drinks, seating arrangements, and everything a bride should want to deal with. Problem is, I don’t want to deal with it. I want to stick my head in the sand and pretend this whirlwind isn’t happening. I am not that girl, and I have resorted to begging Wayne to elope. He isn’t budging; he doesn’t want to upset our parents. I remind him it isn’t his parents fucking or sucking him, but he reminds me it isn’t me either. We haven’t had sex in months, and that is all it ever is . . . sex. It used to be great, but with all the stress of my life lately, I am just not in the mood. It is hard because that is the only thing we really have that bonds us. Wayne has taken over most of the wedding decisions to help alleviate my anxiety, and I am grateful, just not grateful enough to sleep with him. I tell myself it will all change after the wedding.
Work is even crazier, and we are on the verge of the expansion becoming a reality. There is one more aspect that has to be handled and that is securing the funding to branch into the Federal Prison System. Wayne has sent my co-worker, James, on these trips because he doesn’t think a prison is somewhere I should frequent, and I tend to agree with him. Swanky federal prisons included, they give me the heebie-jeebies.
I recently reached out to Krista’s husband, or her widow rather. I wanted to learn as much about their time together as I could. I felt the need to be connected to that part of her life. I wanted to feel like I understood what she went through to get where she was. His name is Eric, and he was perfect for her. He told me it wasn’t eas
y, he felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest to reach her, but he knew it would be worth it once he got the prize, her heart. He is doing lots of fund raising for cancer awareness and has made it his tribute to her. I asked him if he ever thought he would fall in love and marry again.
“That is a tough question, Paisley.” He was sincere with me.
“Don’t you think she would want you to move on?”
“I know she would. That was a promise she had me make her. I just know it will never be the same, and I have to wrap my head around it and make sure whoever I am with, will respect the fact she will always have a piece of my heart.”
“Did you tell her that?” I am fascinated by their love.
“Yes, I did. She said that I could find what you have with Wayne. She could be my best friend but not my ultimate love. She told me then, ‘You are my Jake.’ I was a bit taken back that she was comparing me to another guy until she explained. She said she thought she had that with Tim, but when she saw you with Jake she knew she was wrong. You inspired her to find what you had.” I am speechless.
“I thought she hated us together,” I tell him. It was the one thing Krista and I never resolved.
“No, she was petty. And jealous. It is all the things she would have said to you if she were here. She was mourning a loss, and was lost at that time. But she wasn’t blind. She said watching you two together she knew she was wrong in her love for Tim, and she knew she had to climb her way out of her depression and hatred of life to find that. She said that was her goal, you gave her hope and inspiration to get to the other side, but she couldn’t do it wallowing in her misery.” Before I can take a moment to reflect, he finishes, “I have to say, I barely know you Paisley, but I am incredibly disappointed in you. I had that love with Krista, and it was beyond my expectations. I may have another type later on in life, and that is what you are getting ready to pledge yourself to, you are surrendering your life to someone who isn’t the love of your life. I don’t have a choice when that time comes; I have had it and lost it. You only misplaced yours, so if you have the opportunity to live out that fairytale, why are you running from it?” One word . . . terrified. Of course, I don’t tell him that and I know he is waiting for an answer.
Pieces of Paisley Page 24
