by Zoe Dawson
Before I went over there, I had to stop at the store and then go home. Prepare something for Booker. When I pulled up to his momma’s, I got kinda lost in the view. Stripped to the waist, Booker was standing with his arms braced on a table as he looked into the back of the truck, the muscles across his chest and broad shoulders thrown into sharp relief, glistening with sweat. Unable to take my eyes off him, I watched him talk to whoever was in the truck, assuming it was Boone.
He flashed a smile and gave the unknown person his middle finger. Ah…yeah, it was Boone.
My God I loved them all, these Outlaws, so much, especially the way they loved each other, their potent and unbreakable brotherhood and family ties.
There was no doubt that my husband-to-be was hot, but there was this pure aura of masculinity, sexual intensity that charged up his charisma, and it wasn’t his knee-melting face or that leanly muscled body, it was Booker’s confidence in who he was. There were never any half measures with my man, and there never would be. He gave all of himself to everything he did.
A frisson of nerves sent fingers of unease through me. It was time to get his issues out in the open, and then we would go from there. Knight in shining armor. Huh.
He glanced over, then did a double-take, and the smile that lit up his face was pure Outlaw and wholly for me. He said something to the person in the truck, and I opened my car door as he started over.
“Sugar,” he said, reaching me. “I didn’t expect you until later. Why didn’t you just call me?”
“I’m tired of talking to you on the phone. I want to talk to you in person.”
He touched my hair, tucking some of it behind my ear, tracing the rim. “How did the finals go? O-chem?”
“All of them and, yes, even o-chem went well. I want to talk to you…privately.”
“Okay, we have one more load. I can be back at the house in, say, about thirty minutes.”
I leaned forward, and he murmured, “I’m all sweaty,” but I didn’t pay him any heed. Wrapped my arms around him and kissed him. Boone looked around the truck and waved. I waved back.
He opened his mouth on mine and dragged me against him. “I’ll see you soon,” I said as we parted and I got back into my car.
#
Booker
I entered the house and Aubree was sitting on my piano stool. She looked…angry.
“You’re thirty minutes late. We need to talk, and yet you didn’t show up.”
I opened my mouth to tell her that we got a flat tire, but she bulldozed right over me.
“You want to know something else?” she said her eyes narrowing. “You’re too easy on me. Moody. A doormat. Always hide your real feelings behind humor. You live in your head, a tortured place. You have enough information and ammunition in that brain of yours to be impossible to argue with… You hold back on me!”
“Wait a damn, minute…what the fuck, Aubree? You’re a workaholic, don’t make time for what’s important, worry too much about whether you’re good enough, and you’re a freaking know-it-all and are more freaking moody than I am. You hog the covers, refuse to order dessert, and then eat mine.” I was breathing fire as I crossed the room and got right in her face and she didn’t budge an inch.
“Anything else?” she said, bunching my dirty, greasy shirt in her hands as if she could care less about getting messy and brushing her mouth over mine. I was confused and felt elated, hot, bothered, worn out, and a storm was bubbling to the surface. Weren’t we fighting? Didn’t she just attack me without provocation?
“Yes, I want fucking time with you! I don’t care what it takes! I want you to drop something.”
“Ooh, you’re very sexy when you’re demanding. Okay. I’m going to pass the sorority stuff over to the other girls and bow out. I’ve told them, and they totally understand.”
“What…I’m…Are you…Arrrgghhh.”
“You don’t have to hold back with me, Booker. Knights are boring. You’re not, especially with your blue eyes blazing like that. It’s pretty hot. I think it’s rather stirring arguing with you.”
“Huh?” I looked down at her, my man stuff getting way too tangled up with her woman stuff for my obviously blood-starved big brain to handle. “You did that on purpose.” Then it dawned on me. “Brax, he told you.”
“Yes, and how is it that your biggest, darkest secret has to be spilled by your brother?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I find it hard to deal with negative emotions when it comes to you.”
“Booker. You don’t expect me to be perfect. Do you?”
I wrapped my hands around her waist. “No, of course not.”
“Then why are you expecting the same thing for yourself?”
I took a breath. “Between you and Brax, I’m feeling pretty stoo-pid.”
“You’re not stupid, sugar. You are so caring and thoughtful that sometimes your needs get lost. Tell me what you want when you want it. I won’t break. And I won’t leave you. Ever.
“Okay, I think I can handle that.”
“Come with me. I got a game we can play.”
I groaned. “It’s not a drinking game is it?”
“No, it’s a kissing game.”
A smile split across my face. “Oh, I like it better already.”
“Yeah, and we’ve taken care of duking it out, so we won’t need to fight anymore. At least not today.”
She dragged me to the bathroom and I stopped dead. Candles, a bubble bath, and…poster paper all over the walls with handwritten passages on them. I took a breath.
Sometimes the things we can’t change…end up changing us. The Colonel watched Duel Outlaw swing on the end of the rope and knew what had transpired here made him someone he didn’t recognize.
Amy had the eyes. Those eyes. The kind of eyes that can look right through any attempt to hide, to the best a person has to offer. Twenty percent devil, eighty percent angel. Down to earth. No fear about getting her hands a little dirty with the mess that was life. For Duel, it was love at first sight.
“These are from my book.”
“I read it and was blown away.”
“How did you get a copy?”
“My momma couldn’t stop talking about it. Talked her into sharing her copy, and I couldn’t put it down. The way you tell it between the past and the present was genius.”
Brax had been right, love was about the details and Aubree’s details made my life so rich. “You got the detail talk, too.”
“Yeah, Brax. He needs a raise.”
I laughed. “I agree, but don’t tell the fathead that.”
She snagged the hem of my T-shirt, dragging it over my head. Then her hands were on my jeans and she pushed them off. “Get in the tub.”
I climbed in and closed my eyes, quickly getting sleepy from the warm water and the relief of stress. The water sloshed and my eyes popped open to find Aubree stepping in.
“Booker, I know this year has not been easy. It’s been a revelation for both of us. My schedule…”
“Sucked, pissed me off, left me high and dry, made me crazy. Plus I was lonely for most of it.”
I leaned forward to say more, and she rubbed her thumb over my mouth, her expression serious, a warning that I was not to argue with her. I stared at her for a moment, then let my breath go in a sigh of assent. I smoothed my hand up her arm, dulled by both mental and physical exhaustion.
“I wasn’t prepared,” I said, “I didn’t fully understand how time-consuming and preoccupied you would be.”
“Booker, if this is too much, if we can’t make it because of what I’ve chosen to do…”
“Aubree, I acted like an asshole.”
“But…”
“Let me finish before you defend me. I acted like a baby who couldn’t get his way, not proud of that. Instead of staying and working things out, I left and let things fester. But I think I needed the time to figure it out in my own way. I understand what I’m getting myself into now.”
“It
’s a lot, I realize that, but I promise to be more balanced. I’ve been as guilty as you have about not being open. I let my own apprehension and doubt keep me from telling you things I should be talking to you about.”
“Like what?” I reached out and fingered a lock of her hair.
She frowned, brushing at my rough cheek, trying to find the right words. “I was flunking o-chem, seriously couldn’t understand it, and felt like I was drowning.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“My perfectionism reared its ugly head, and I wanted to prove I could handle it all. But in truth, I couldn’t. I needed help. Thank God for my pushy friends and family. Because stupidly, I didn’t think you could help…and I was embarrassed, and I didn’t want to look bad in your eyes.”
“Aubree, you could never do that. Sugar, we’re going to promise each other right now that we’ll always be honest and communicate.”
She nodded. “Yes, agreed. I don’t know what you were thinking and you couldn’t know what I was thinking, so it’s important that we not only be clear, but that we commit to staying aware of even stuff we’d rather not deal with.”
“Totally, so I’m going to be honest now. Getting married is a big step for us. For me, it’s a lifelong commitment. I’m pledged to you, but I’m still struggling to understand where my head is. Still trying to handle the thought of you having to juggle me in with everything else.”
“I don’t want to juggle you.”
“I know, but it’s something you’re going to have to do. The workload will demand most of your time, and not just while you’re becoming a doctor. Once you are a doctor, time will still be limited.”
She bit her lip and closed her eyes. “Do you still want to marry me?”
I had to struggle to breathe while I pulled her against me. “Yes. I just wanted to be honest about how I feel.”
“I want you to tell me how you feel. It’s important. Please don’t ever hold back again. I make the same promise not to, ever again. Truly, Booker. No more secrets.”
I stroked her arms and down her back pulling her flush to me. So we were locked together.
“All righty now, what is this kissing game?
“It’s true or false. You get the answer right and you get a kiss.”
“Much better than getting pounded in the face. What’s the first question?”
“Eskimo kisses are fake.”
“True,” I said and she kissed me.
“Kissing is like drugs.”
“True. Endorphins are 200 times more powerful than drugs, and they make you giddy.”
“Smart guy,” she said, pulling me in for another kiss. This one lasted a little longer. I hitched Aubree higher up on my hips, making her gasp and me groan in frustration.
“Yeah, know that from running.” I grinned.
“Philematology is the science of kissing.”
“True…philo, phil, phila, and phile mean love.”
“You are the astronaut of awesome.”
My grin widened. “Right now, I’m the rocket man,” I said and she smiled, and the spark that flared in her eyes unraveled me. My world lived in those eyes.
Ah, Brax, you knew what the hell you were talking about. The details, man, how did I miss them?
“Did you know that lips are sensitive?” I brushed back her hair. “That’s true. Lips and fingertips are the most sensitive parts of our bodies due to the large number of nerves.” I kissed her, the game forgotten. “Like playing music,” I murmured and kissed her again, deeply, sucking her tongue. “Touching,” I ran my fingertips over her face. “So when the fingers come into contact with the mouth…” I traced my thumb over her lower lip, her breathing shallow now, “…double sensory overload.”
She moved restlessly against me and we fit together just as nature and God intended. I was lost in the storm of her body, rolling over me with thunder and lightning. Heavy, nourishing rains that filled the cavernous well inside me. Somewhere in the recesses of what was left of my mind, the tenderness, the vulnerability that I had never allowed myself found me. Regardless of what she said, I would still be her knight when she needed me. I would be anything she needed. But after Brax’s pep talk, and her attempt to piss me off, I wouldn’t avoid my negative feelings any more. They were all her, wrapped up in this beautiful redheaded package that I would continue to unwrap for the rest of the days I drew breath.
She laid claim to my panting mouth as my body knew hers, an intimate madness, a rollicking recklessness, a consuming joy as our souls recognized each other through the joining of our bodies. With them we could make life and with them we created a whole universe with a bang that rocked us into the cosmos.
After we came down to earth there was a lot of kissing and touching as we ate dinner, then slept close together. The days passed in a whirlwind until it was time to get dressed and go to the rehearsal dinner, run through the ceremony. At the church steps, I kissed Aubree goodbye as she went off with River.
#
Booker
The next morning I got to the church very early. I had this burning need to talk to Aubree, but of course it was bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. I was feeling like a complete jerk while all the guys got dressed in one of the rooms in the back of the church. Verity’s father was officiating, and he stopped in to see how I was doing.
Before I knew what was happening I spilled my guts to him. It all came pouring out, and I was furious with myself for not seeing it sooner.
Reverend Fairchild, as calm as you please, reached out and clasped my shoulder. “I can’t tell you whether to marry Aubree or not. That is your decision, Booker. But what I can tell you is you need to search deep into your heart and your mind about what you can give to this woman. Pledge everything or walk away. There are no half measures when it comes to marriage.
When he left, it was time to go to the altar, and I went with my brothers, who were both acting as my best man.
Suddenly I was struck with a burning need. I had to see Aubree, talk to her, before we said our vows.
#
Aubree
My heart was breaking as I looked at myself in the mirror while River Pearl did my hair. I felt incomplete about our talk yesterday, and felt as if I was going to break into a million pieces.
“You look, beautiful, Aubree. I’m ready to set in the veil.”
“Wait,” I blurted out and her hands froze.
“You don’t want the veil?”
“Yes, I want the veil. Attach it,” I said impatiently. “Then I need to see Booker.”
“What? Now? The ceremony is about to start in like two minutes.”
“Yes, River, now. I have to see him before I say my vows to him.”
She set the veil and left the room. I got up, unable to breathe sitting down, and paced.
My thoughts and my excitement and anticipation hadn’t let me sleep last night. I would be joining my life with Booker’s, and I was still plagued by a nagging, despairing worry. Not that I was making a mistake, but that what I wanted to do with my life was going to destroy what I had with him, no matter how much we talked about it.
#
Booker
I looked at Brax, and he closed his eyes, knowing immediately that I was about to do something crazy. Then I saw River Pearl walking briskly up the aisle. She came to me and leaned in close. “Aubree needs to see you. Now. She’s pretty distraught. Is everything okay, Booker?”
“It will be,” I said.
Without another word, I hurried to the back of the church. When I got to Aubree’s dressing room door, I knocked, my chest tight.
The door opened slightly and she said, “Booker, don’t come in. You can’t see me, but I have to talk to you.” She took a shaky breath and said. “I can’t do this.”
I was confident she was not talking about marrying me. I was secure in my trust in her. “What?” I growled. “Talk to me, sugar.”
“Marrying you is the only thing I’m certain about.
I don’t want to be a doctor if that means I’m going to lose you. It’s not worth it. You are everything to me, and I want to be honest with you about this. I’ll give it up. I’ll figure something else out.”
Everything coalesced for me in that one moment of her willingness to sacrifice her passion for me.
“Aubree, I ran from what I thought was neglect on your part. Ran from the pain of thinking that you aren’t as invested in me as I am in you. But what I hadn’t seen were the small things you’d done every day to keep us together. Always kissing me before you left. Leaving me little notes on my computer screen, making the time we did spend together as rich as possible.”
I put my hand in my pocket and squeezed the post-it there that had been left on my pillow. A simple I love you with the o drawn as a heart. “I had been blinded by my own need to have choices. To be open to opportunities. But I see now that my choice is clear. There was nothing but one choice. Breaking it off with you is impossible, inconsolable, and not ever going to happen.”
“Booker,” she whispered, tears clogging her voice.
I would become the man she needed me to be. The man I was shaping into because of her molding hands, her love, her trust, and her undying hope.
Because she was everything. The only person who could break my unbreakable spirit. She was the beam of steel that ran through the core of me, bolstered me.
“I’m opening myself, right here and now, to all your possibilities.” Decided once and for all that being her man, her bad boy Outlaw, was all that mattered. Whatever she had to do, she would do it with my love and support. This Outlaw was all in for the ride of his life.
“I will be there for you when you have to get up at three in the morning on a call, or when you couldn’t make it for dinner, or cancelled a vacation, or broke our date night plans. It won’t always be easy. I’m not downplaying that. But it will be worthwhile, and life, like our love, is just plain chaotic. It’s still a perfect mess.”
