by Nicole Thorn
“An easy fix. Come over and make me not feel bad anymore.”
“Back to the point,” he said sternly. “What you want is a very big step, and I would hate myself if I sent you over the edge.”
God, there was no getting through to him, was there? I could be an old woman, and he would still see me as a child. Someone who couldn’t handle what life had to offer. Maybe I just needed to end this right now.
I sat up, staring at the wall across from me. “This is absolutely the very last time I’m going to say this to you, and you can take that however you want to, Wilson. Just know that I won’t be the one pushing anymore. I want to be with you. If you want to be with me, then the ball is in your court. I can’t do this for the rest of my life. I escaped from hell; I don’t want to waste my life chasing things that don’t want to be caught. I’ll move on if you want me to. Just tell me to.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed before Wilson said something, but I didn’t breathe until he did. “You won’t try and initiate anything anymore?”
“Nothing at all. Only if you start it. I’m done.”
I heard him breathing on the other end. Thinking through the offer I was making. “Good,” he said, proving that you only need one word to break a heart. “I won’t be prompting you anyway. We work better as friends.”
My voice was even, but my eyes pricked with tears to come. I just needed to tell myself that it wasn’t me. Only what I’d been through. The unfairness of that burned in my veins, but it was the hand I was dealt.
“Fine then. Have it your way. You can feel good about yourself and wear the martyr badge all you want to. You can even pretend that you’re not hurting the both of us. And you can pretend that you’re doing this more for me and not you. But I want you to know that if you don’t keep this up, if you even show a moment of doubt and you kiss me or touch me, there’s no going back. I won’t be kind enough to hurt myself like this again. I’ll be selfish and greedy, but I won’t care. I won’t care because I’ll have you. Even if you don’t believe that you’re worth it, I do.”
Wilson answered almost exactly like I thought he would. “I have to head to work, Riley. I’ll talk to you later.”
I hung up without a goodbye, and I tossed my phone onto the bed. I rage-ate the rest of my breakfast, thinking about hitting Wilson with a lot of pillows. That boy was the most frustrating person I’d ever met in my whole life. He didn’t even see that this had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how he felt about himself. For whatever reason, he thought he was a bad person. He took care of his brother, supported his family, took care of me too… how was that bad?
After my breakfast, I did the dishes so I would have something to do with my hands that wasn’t violent. But that ended quickly, and I needed something else to do. Shower, ah, of course. I needed to shower and toss out a pill or two. That would kill some time.
I grabbed my phone and put my music back on, ignoring how Wilson gave it all to me. I didn’t have to think about him right now. I could take a nice shower and forget all my troubles.
I walked into my bathroom and set my phone down, trading it for my bottle of pills. I threw one in the toilet like it did something wrong and almost broke the handle when I flushed it. Okay, so I was a little on edge. I needed to relax.
A bath seemed like a better idea for that, so I started filling the tub with water and bubbles. Once it was inviting looking, I took my clothes off and got in.
I seethed as my music played in the bathroom, and I started slipping in and out of the line of water. My head was the only thing above the surface. It made me start feeling all the pressure around me.
Then something Layla said popped into my head. What she did to relax. I was all alone, and I knew how to do it now… Well… what did I have to lose?
My hand drifted through the water and to its destination unceremoniously. It was much of the same when I started up. A whole lot of nothing at all but a second of light pleasure once in a while. I was doing the very same thing that I was before and it worked then. So what was I doing wrong.
Oh, I know.
Wilson said that if I thought of something that turned me on, then it would happen easier. The very picture of him in my head gave me a little twinge of sensation that had me gasping. It amplified when I closed my eyes and pretended it was his hand on me instead of my own. Ah, that’s the key.
I sank farther under the water, trying to remember the things Wilson whispered to me. He told me to think about how much he wanted me. What it felt like to be against the wall. It was clear in my mind. The pressure and the pain of it. Feeling the hardness between his legs press to the softness between mine. The claim I felt him put on me. I thought about how it felt to have his lip between my teeth.
A sharp moan escaped my mouth when I seemed to have caught a rhythm that worked. I kept going, needing more. What was next? He told me he wanted me. Badly. He wanted me in his bed. He told me that he would have given anything to be inside of me.
The next noise I made was louder as the build in me seemed to reach its climax. Everything was turned all the way up, like I was just now stepping into the world. Pure ecstasy shot through my body, and I was left with a heady feeling that sunk into my bones, turning me to mush in the bathtub.
I sank deeper and deeper into the water, feeling perfectly sated. Huh, so that’s what all the fuss is about.
Wilson
let a whole day go by without speaking to her. I told myself I was busy. That work and the extra stuff I was doing for Sherman was why I couldn’t call or stop by. I wasn’t sure why I bothered lying to myself. I never believed it. I didn’t talk to her because I was a coward. I was so sure that the moment I was with her again, I would have her against the wall or on a counter. The floor. Whatever was there.
She told me it was over. She wouldn’t push, and it was all up to me. That meant she wouldn’t do anything until I gave an okay. Then the floodgates would open, she threatened. Or promised. It was however I wanted to take it.
That phone call… oh, she either loved me or hated me with all those things she said. Begging me almost to come over and take what I wanted. I could see it like a vision. Her eyes bright as she lay under me. A leg hooked around my waist as I forced myself into her over and over. I could hear the moans as if she were beside me even now. I had real life memories to pull on for those.
It killed me how badly she wanted it. Since the moment I met her, she’d wanted to feel alive. Do anything and everything she could. Take risks, do stupid things. That must be why she was so attached to me. I was a big, giant danger sign.
Or she had feelings for me, and I was being a total dick about it. That seemed like the more logical thing here. She was innocent enough to not see the rottenness in me that everyone else saw. She told me she wanted me. It didn’t matter what I was. If she could love me, then something had to be worth it.
It was too damn quiet in the house. Since it was the weekend, Jude was with Maxwell, and Dad was heading into work a little later. I could still hear him downstairs as he got ready. Soon, I would be all alone. Stuck in a bed that didn’t feel comfortable anymore if I was the only body in it. A little blonde fit too perfectly in my arms.
So much pain came with waking up to find her gone. She left me right after that night we… well, we didn’t really get anything done. I couldn’t even manage to get her off. How pathetic did that make me? I didn’t know what I was doing when I reached down and took her up in my hand. Truly, I hadn’t intended on doing that when she started. I just wanted to help her. Then I had to watch her get pleasure from what I said to her. It was all too much, and I had to be touching her. I had to be in control of those noises and the movement of her hips. Riley let me, which said so much about her. Oh, and to watch her reactions to the things I did to her… It was intoxicating.
Then the girl had to go and touch me like I was touching her. I wasn’t even able to feel guilt when she did it. Not when her eyes were so eager or whe
n it felt like rapture. I couldn’t count how many times I’d been touched like that. But those times didn’t exist after Riley touched me. No other girl, no other moment, nothing at all existed but her and me and that bed. Then she abandoned me there.
Right now, I was sitting on the corner of the mattress, trying to decide how I was going to keep her in my life. It was clear that there was no other option. I was too far gone. Something about the light in her eyes and her eagerness to live made me feel like she was the sun, and I wouldn’t survive without her radiance. If God existed, He was a cruel man for doing this to me.
The floor was the only thing that could get my attention. It was safe. I’d never had Riley on it like with the bed. I didn’t picture Riley on the floor like I could with the dresser. How easy it would be to push her against it and lift her up. Made worse and better with the knowledge that she would love it if I did it. She would look at me with those big blue eyes that I loved, and she would ask me for more.
A light knock on my door pulled me out of hell and brought me right into a heaven I didn’t deserve to be in. Riley walked in wearing a blue and black-striped dress that made her look like an angel. Everything did. She was missing her shoes, and her hair was a wonderful mess.
She closed the door when she walked in. “Your dad let me in on his way out. Is it okay that I’m here?”
I never thought she’d step into this room again after our phone call, so it couldn’t have made me happier. “Yeah. Of course it is.”
She walked up to me and scrutinized my face. “You look sad.”
“Long couple of days. That’s all,” I said with a weary grin.
Riley nodded, sighing and looking at my books. “Me too. Mom’s been bugging me more and more about the doctor. So we might have to go back. He’s nice, but Adalyn doesn’t like him very much.”
“Why?”
Still looking away, she said, “I don’t know. She won’t tell us.” She spun and sat beside me. “I think if it was something important, she would let us know.”
I sat beside the girl in comfortable silence, watching my hand as it twitched with need to cover hers. I held back because she was. If Riley thought I would cave then my mission in life would be to not do so.
She turned her head to me, resting her chin on her shoulder. “The boys are at my house right now yelling at the TV.”
I laughed. “Why’s that?”
“They’re watching Dad play video games, and he’s not very good at it. When he loses, they make fun of him. So Mom went to bed, and the kids are next.”
“Sounds fun.”
“It wasn’t as entertaining as I thought this would be.”
She scooted back until she was at the backboard of the bed. Then she picked up the remote and turned the TV on. Without looking at me, she patted the spot beside her.
“Come on. We’re gonna watch a movie.”
I followed her, because I was born to do so. She smiled in a small victory when I sat beside her. I watched her pull her knees together and prop them up. If I’d stayed where I was, I would have had a nice view of her underwear. Which was the most juvenile thing I’d ever thought of. I’d kissed her and touched her. Why did it matter if I saw her a little undressed? Oh yeah, because I was in love with her.
Riley landed on an older movie. Something for kids, but an adult could enjoy. I watched her set the remote down and wiggle around as she got comfortable. She left her fingers laced, and her hands on her lap. The picture of relaxation while I was nothing but a bundle of nerves.
I sat there quietly, watching Riley while she watched the movie. She didn’t seem to notice the effect she had on me. How I was just a child with her. How she could break me or build me up with a word. How completely hers I was. It didn’t matter if I lied and told her I didn’t love her, because with her or not, I couldn’t love her any more than I did right now.
“Riley,” I said, feeling smaller than I ever had.
She looked at me so innocently. “Yeah?”
“I’m really sorry.”
She didn’t bother asking why. “It’s okay. This isn’t so bad.” She smiled, reaching out and taking my hand.
And then I did something stupid. I pulled her to me, letting her use me as a pillow. She snuggled against my chest, still without a word. Our hands stayed together while my other rested on her hip. Could she hear my heart pounding from where she was? She had to. It pounded all the harder when she got comfortable and put our hands on me. Her lips brushed against my fingers and stayed put. Damn. I might die tonight.
We got through most of the movie without saying much. Some random comments here or there. We weren’t doing anything, and this was so much more peaceful than anything I’d experienced before. I wondered if I could get her to spend the night.
I broke the silence when I needed to hear her voice. “You’re not still upset with me, are you?”
Riley looked up from my chest. “Oh, no. I was kind of sad for a while, but I felt a lot better after I took a bath.”
My chest eased. “Ah, good.”
She nodded and spoke so casually that I thought I misheard her. “Yeah, I finally had an orgasm, so I was quite happy.”
I blinked, and my tongue wouldn’t work for a few seconds. When it did, it still didn’t sound normal.
“Um, what?”
Still with the same tone as if she were telling me she mowed the lawn, she said, “Yup. I was in the bath, and I tried again. It wasn’t working at first, but then I thought about you, and it happened really quick.”
…Hmm. What to do about this. I was happy she got off. While being happy, I was also inexplicably sad I wasn’t there for it. Especially because I helped her with it. I wanted to have been there. Hell, I wanted to have done it myself.
And something snapped.
“That’s it,” I said, getting off of the bed.
“Oh!” Riley squeaked in confusion as she dropped onto the bed and bounced.
She sat halfway up and looked at me.
“Am I in trouble?”
I shook my head, rubbing my hand on my jaw. “I’ve had enough. I’m going to get you off. So stay here, and I’ll be right back.”
I pointed at her and made a break for my bathroom, leaving her staring at me in wonder.
Then I stood with my hands gripping my counter, staring at my reflection. I couldn’t take back what I said, and frankly, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be the good guy. I wanted to be the jerk who got the girl. So the question was, could I be good enough for her?
I’d thought being good meant saying no. But maybe I wasn’t right. Maybe being good could be something else. Me taking care of her, loving her. Making her happy. And I knew she would be happy if she was with me. I didn’t need to understand it for it to be true. Her opinion was as valid as any.
So, I guess I was going out there to do something that I still wasn’t sure was all right. All I did know was that it would bring her joy if I did it, and that was enough for me.
I opened my door and found Riley lying in my bed, covers to her chin and the biggest smile on her face. Yeah, she knew what she was doing when she told me she was done. She had much more power than she even knew.
As I got to the bed, I stepped on something soft. When I looked down, I saw a heap of clothes. Slowly, my eyes went up to Riley as she pulled the blanket over her mouth and giggled.
I smiled. “Baby, are you naked under there?”
She pulled the blanket down, tucking it under her arms and sitting up on her elbows, revealing bare arms and shoulders. I couldn’t even see anything on her, but I felt like I was on fire. How was it possible that I could get so turned on just at the idea of her naked in my bed? So much smooth skin for me to touch.
Riley lifted her eyebrows. “Maybe.” She brushed off imaginary dust from her leg. “I seem to recall making a promise that I would be ruthless if you gave me wiggle room.”
“No sex,” I warned her.
“If you insist.”
I crawled into bed with her, lying so that my face was level at her chest. I’d be moving down soon anyway.
“What I’m going to do is very intimate, Riley,” I warned. “So, if you’re uncomfortable, you need to tell me to stop.”
She nodded at me. “Okay.”
I smiled. “Do you know what I’m going to do to you?”
Her returning smile was grand. “I think so.”
I’d originally been planning on just using my hand again, but she was already naked. So why not just destroy her?
In all honesty, I wasn’t worried about her. She looked too excited to be nervous. That excitement skyrocketed when I closed my mouth over her nipple. She let out a breath and watched the ceiling, getting used to the little sensations that were working through her body. Her legs wiggled eagerly under me, so I assumed she liked it just fine. I decided to test that theory further.
As best I could, I watched her as I lightly tugged on her with my teeth. She was quiet, but she smiled as her eyes closed. I abandoned my chosen spot when I remembered better things were to come. With one last look up, I started moving down.
I made sure she could feel it when my tongue touched her skin, pausing in soft places to let her arch up and sigh. I kissed her all the way down to her belly button, keeping a hold of her hips with both hands. When my lips got to Riley’s hipbone, she giggled.
I grinned. “Are you ticklish, baby?”
She opened her eyes for me. “A little I guess.”
Ah, this would be a lot of fun then. I listened to her giggles as I tickled her with kisses. Riley wasn’t very good at lying still, but it only made me happier each time she squirmed. She giggled even harder when I threw the blanket over my head and shielded myself under it.
