by Wendy Dunham
As I head to my bedroom, Dad says, “I’ll throw a couple sandwiches together.”
“I’m not hungry.”
I try flopping down on my bed like normal, but like everything else, it’s completely different. My whole body lands like a stiff log, and the plastic part under my chin jabs my throat. I hate my crooked back, and I hate Ms. Honey Bunn for making such an ugly, awful brace. I lay flat on my back while tears trickle from my eyes and land in my ears. I close my eyes and block everything out until I fall asleep.
The doorbell wakes me up. I check my clock—five thirty p.m.
I hear Dad. “Come on in,” he says. “And look at that pizza. River will love it. I’m sure she’s hungry, she wouldn’t eat lunch.”
I hear Rosa. “I’ll put it in the kitchen.”
Then Carlos. “Where’s she hiding, anyway?”
“In her room,” Dad says. “I’ll get her.”
He knocks. When I don’t answer, he pushes the door open a crack. “River, can I come in?”
I don’t move. “Yes.”
“Rosa and Carlos brought pizza. Let’s eat,” he says, offering his hand. “I’m sure you’re starving.”
I try getting up. “Ouch! Dad, please don’t pull. It hurts.”
He lets go of my hand and sits on the edge of my bed. “Where does it hurt?”
“All over,” I explain. “And if I move, it’s worse.”
“Here,” he says, “let me help.” He puts his arm around the back of my brace and lifts me so I’m sitting on the edge of my bed. “How’s that?”
“Ms. Honey Bunn said I’d be sore, but I didn’t think it would be like this.”
Dad gives me his hand. “Let’s get you to the kitchen. We’ll take it slow.”
Rosa and Carlos are setting the table when we walk in. When they see us, Rosa comes over and gives me a bouquet of flowers. “For you,” she says. “Beautiful flowers for a beautiful girl.”
Carlos adds, “We wanted to make you smile.”
I smell the flowers, and they do make me smile. “Thank you.”
“Here,” says Carlos, reaching for them, “I’ll put them in water.”
Rosa sits beside me. “You’re pretty sore, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you had your brace on all day?”
“Since I got it.”
“That’s a long time for the first day,” she says. “Tell you what. Let’s have pizza, and then I’ll set you up for a warm bath. That’s always a sure cure for a sore body.”
I smile at Rosa. “That would be nice.”
Carlos puts a slice of pizza on my plate and pours me a glass of orange soda. “Thanks, Carlos. And I’m sorry about—”
But before I get a chance to finish, he interrupts, “That’s okay, River. We’ll talk another time.”
I look at him. “Like in four years when I’m done growing and don’t have to wear this anymore?”
Rosa rubs my head. “Don’t worry. You won’t be sore that long. Your body will get used to it before you know it.”
Rosa helps me to the bathroom and fills the tub. My body hurts so much that I don’t care about privacy.
She helps me undress and take off my brace. Even though it still hurts to move, I feel like a freed bird. She holds my arm while I step in. I sit down slowly, lean back, and close my eyes, letting the water surround me like a hug.
I soak until the water cools. Rosa helps me get into my brace and then my pajamas. She even tucks me into bed.
Maybe this is what it’s like to have a mom.
24
Forgiveness
On Saturday I stayed home. I spent the entire day trying to get used to my robot body. Overall it wasn’t a bad day because I didn’t have to see anyone. But this morning that changes since I have to see people—basically everyone in Birdsong. That’s because it’s Sunday, and nearly everyone in Birdsong goes to Uncle Henry’s church.
Carlos and Rosa are coming today too. It’ll be Carlos’s first time. He says that’ll work to my benefit because if he’s by my side, I won’t have to worry about people staring at me since they’ll be staring at him. I told him that’s an awful thing to say about himself. He told me life’s easier when you face the truth.
Dad and Rosa walk into church first. Carlos and I follow. I want to stay behind them and hide.
Carlos looks at me and says, “You got this, River. But now it’s time to get your mind off yourself and show me around. Don’t forget, I’m the new kid.”
I take a deep breath, then step out from behind Dad and Rosa. I take hold of Carlos’s arm and pull him forward. “Come on. I’ll show you the donut table.”
As I lead Carlos across the fellowship hall, everyone turns to look. There’s actually no way of knowing who they’re staring at, me or Carlos. Maybe both. “Here are the donuts,” I say.
“They smell delicious.” Then he looks directly above them to the picture of Jesus. “Let me guess, the donut guard?”
I laugh. “That’s exactly what I thought.” Carlos chooses a raspberry cream donut with powdered sugar. I take my favorite—a chocolate-covered fried cake with rainbow sprinkles.
We finish just as the piano lady starts playing, so I lead Carlos to the sanctuary. He notices the boarded-up stained glass window. “What happened?” he says.
I whisper, “Remember the article you read about the birding place?”
He nods.
“The kid who pushed Billy, Robert Killdeer, smashed a rock through it.”
Carlos shakes his head.
Dad, Rosa, me, and Carlos sit near the front, right behind Aunt Elizabeth. Forrest is on her lap, facing backwards. The rest of the Whippoorwills are lined up beside her.
Forrest reaches over the pew and points at me. “Mama, look! Riber’s hurt!”
Aunt Elizabeth looks over her shoulder at me and smiles. “No, Forrest,” she whispers, “River’s not hurt. She’s brave.”
Then just as Uncle Henry begins the opening prayer, Forrest shouts, “Riber’s brave!”
Pastor Henry stops praying and smiles. “Thank you, Forrest,” he says. “She certainly is.” Then he says to the congregation, “Since Forrest brought up the topic, I think this is the perfect time to share something I’d planned to share later in the service.” He clears his throat. “You’ve likely noticed that River looks different this morning. She recently found out she has scoliosis, which is curvature of the spine. And in order to keep her back from becoming worse, she’s required to wear a brace twenty-three hours a day until she stops growing. She got it on Friday. I don’t think I need to tell you what kind of courage that takes.”
Everyone claps. I feel my face get hot. It’s probably as red as a firefinch. I didn’t know Uncle Henry was going to do that, but I’m glad. I feel better that people know why I’m wearing it.
Pastor Henry continues. “I also want to introduce two people, personal friends of mine who recently moved to Birdsong—Rosa and Carlos Amaranta.” He looks directly at them. “Would you please stand so our church family can welcome you?”
They both stand, then Carlos turns to face the congregation. He smiles and waves. Everyone claps.
Pastor Henry goes on, “You may have noticed Carlos earlier this morning. Maybe you forced yourself not to stare. You may have wondered what happened to him. Maybe you said hello or good morning or maybe you said nothing. Perhaps you avoided him because you were afraid. Sometimes we’re afraid of what we don’t know.” Pastor Henry smiles at Carlos. “I’d like to share something about Carlos that will guarantee you’ll have nothing to fear or feel uncomfortable about.” The whole church falls silent. “About a year and a half ago, Carlos was in a tragic fire. In that fire he lost his father. He also lost his outward identity. The scars covering his body reveal areas where fire destroyed his flesh. But although his outward appearance completely changed, the fire didn’t destroy his character. And I tell you, this young man has character.”
Everyone claps.
>
Carlos nods to Pastor Henry and smiles.
“This morning,” Pastor Henry says, “since we’re short on time, we’ll skip our hymn and move right to the message.” He leans forward on the podium. “Today we’re talking about forgiveness. At some point in our lives, each of us will face it. We may need to forgive someone. Perhaps even ourselves. Or if we’ve wronged someone, we may need forgiveness.” He opens his Bible. “God’s view on forgiveness is clear. Mark 11:26 says, ‘But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your failings and shortcomings.’
“Now,” Pastor Henry says, “raise your hand if you’d like to reach heaven’s door only to find you’re not allowed.”
No one raises a hand.
“Now imagine that scenario actually happens… that you suddenly die in an accident, but when you reach heaven, you’re told you’re not allowed in. Heaven’s door closes in your face. You stand on the doorstep thinking there’s been some mistake, so you knock again. When it opens, you explain, ‘I’m forgiven. I’ve asked God to forgive me.’ The guard shows no mercy and says, ‘But you did not forgive others.’ The door slams. You hear a final click.
“Most of you know that thirty-three days ago, our son Billy went home to be with his heavenly Father. Although his death was likely not intentional, Billy was pushed over a cliff into the Meadowlark River by a boy his own age, Robert Killdeer.”
By now I have a lump in my throat. And although I can’t turn my head, from the corner of my eye, I see Carlos glance at me. Then I feel him take my hand.
Pastor Henry continues, “At this time in our lives, my wife, Elizabeth, and I stand face-to-face with forgiveness. We have a choice. Will we put ourselves in God’s place and judge Robert? Or will we forgive him since God forgave us?” Pastor Henry looks across the congregation. “I stand here this morning saying Elizabeth and I choose forgiveness. But forgiving Robert doesn’t mean we approve of his actions or that we excuse them. It means we forgive because God forgave us. And if there’s one thing I want you to remember, it’s this—forgiveness cannot change the past, but it will change your future.”
Pastor Henry steps down from the podium and stands in front of the first pew. “This afternoon Elizabeth and I are visiting Robert at the Facility for Troubled Youth. We want to tell him in person.”
After a few closing words and a hymn, Pastor Henry dismisses the congregation.
Dad and Rosa step out from the pew holding hands, then walk down the aisle—the same aisle Dad walked down with Mom on their wedding day.
Sometimes holding hands is only an act of friendship. But when Dad walks down the aisle again with Mom, it will be for love.
Carlos and I head toward the door, when everyone rushes over to us. They shake Carlos’s hand and introduce themselves. They tell me my brace is hardly noticeable (obviously, they’re trying to be nice).
25
Hide-and-Seek Surprise
Later that afternoon, Dad, me, Rosa, and Carlos go to the Whippoorwills’. We’re watching the little Whippoorwills while Uncle Henry and Aunt Elizabeth visit Robert.
Since church, all I’ve thought about is forgiving Robert. I’m still so angry at him. Whether he meant to kill Billy or not, Billy’s dead because Robert pushed him. It’s not fair that Billy died. But life’s not fair. Look at Carlos. Fire isn’t fair. So, as long as I don’t have to agree with what Robert did and I can still think what he did was wrong, I’ll forgive him.
When Uncle Henry and Aunt Elizabeth are ready to leave, I ask if I can go with them. They seem surprised.
“I want to forgive Robert too,” I say.
Uncle Henry takes a deep breath. “I’m glad to hear that, River, but it isn’t necessary to tell Robert in person. The important thing is that God knows.” Uncle Henry rubs his chin. “But Elizabeth and I feel strongly that we, as Billy’s parents, need to. We also want to tell Robert about God. I imagine he feels bad about himself for what happened, and that can impact the rest of his life. There’s no sense losing two young boys. If Robert knows he’s forgiven and he gets help, there are endless possibilities for good to come of his life.”
I look at my aunt and uncle. “Then I’ll stay here since God already knows.”
After they leave, the little Whippoorwills beg us to go outside to play hide-and-seek. Dad looks at Carlos and me. “Are you two up for that?”
“Sure,” says Carlos. “And it should be a fair game since even Forrest can run faster than me.”
“Same here,” I say.
Before we go out, Hannah takes my hand. “River, you’re still pretty even with your brace.”
Then Rebecca looks up. “Can we touch it?”
“Sure.” I bend down and point to the bar in front of my neck.
Forrest touches it first. “Shiny,” he says. “Riber brave and shiny.” All I can do is laugh.
Hannah cautiously reaches up and touches it. “It’s hard.”
“It’s metal,” I tell her, “and metal’s very hard.”
Nathan says, “It sure looks uncomfortable.”
“It is,” I say, “but hopefully I’ll get used to it.”
“Well,” Daniel says, “if I didn’t know you and I saw you at a store, I’d definitely stare… but at least you don’t look scary like Carlos.”
Nathan yells, “Daniel! That was mean! Wait till Dad hears.”
Carlos shifts his weight. “Don’t worry,” he says.
Nathan says to Carlos, “If it helps, I don’t think you’re scary. Daniel’s just being a jerk.”
Dad must have been listening because he says, “Let’s head out and start the game.”
Forrest and I team up, and Carlos and Rebecca do the same. She takes his hand and says, “You’re not scary to me.”
Dad gets everyone’s attention. “The person who’s ‘it’ sits on the front steps and counts to one hundred while the others hide. No peeking! Then you’ll call out, ‘Ready or not, here I come.’ ”
Nathan volunteers to be it. He sits on the steps, covers his eyes, and counts.
Forrest grabs my hand and pulls me toward the backyard. “Come, Riber.” He points to a huge bush. “Hide under!”
“I can’t crawl under there. How about you crawl under it, and I’ll hide behind it?”
Forrest smiles, crawls under the bush, and then starts giggling. “Forrest,” I whisper, “be quiet so Nathan won’t find you.”
I see Carlos and Rebecca across the yard, hiding behind a tree. On the other side of the yard, Dad and Rosa hide behind the Whippoorwills’ shed, then I can’t believe what else I see—they’re kissing. A burst of anger rushes over me. I yank a handful of leaves off the bush, wishing I could pull the whole bush out from the ground. Why can’t Dad understand?
After a million games of hide-and-seek and duck, duck, goose and red light, green light, Uncle Henry and Aunt Elizabeth finally come home. On their way, they bought twelve Italian subs—one for each of us. They also bought potato chips and grape soda.
We sit on a blanket under their maple tree, where the shade is cool. It feels good after playing in the hot sun all afternoon.
Everyone’s quiet and eating their subs, when all of a sudden, Rebecca points to Rosa and asks me, “Is she your mommy?”
I try to keep calm since everyone’s watching. “No, Rebecca, Rosa is Carlos’s mom. Why would you think she’s mine?”
Rebecca giggles and says, “Because I saw your daddy kiss her, and that makes them married.”
I’m still burning with anger.
Just then Dad gets up from the blanket. “I was going to wait until I talked with River,” he says, “but since the subject came up, and everyone’s here, this seems like the perfect opportunity. He takes Rosa’s hand and pulls her up. “Rosa and I are getting married.”
Uncle Henry, Aunt Elizabeth, the little Whippoorwills, and Carlos clap. Everyone but me. I can’t do anything but try to keep the lump in my throat from getting bigger.
Then he adds, “
And we plan to get married sooner than later—as in this coming Saturday.”
Grape soda spurts from Uncle Henry’s mouth, and Aunt Elizabeth nearly chokes on her sub.
Dad puts his arm around Rosa. “I know it’s fast, but when two adults know what they want, what’s the sense in waiting?”
I try jumping up from the blanket but end up catching myself before falling flat on my face. Once I’m up, I shout, “I’ll tell you what the sense in waiting is! Because you’re supposed to wait until Mom gets my letter and remembers everything! She’s going to want to be with us again! And if you marry Rosa, you’ll mess everything up!”
Dad looks at me. “River, whether she remembers or not, your mother has a new life—she’s remarried now. We’ll never be back together. I need a new life too.”
I don’t care how stupid I look running, so I run all the way home to my bedroom and slam the door.
I want to fall asleep so I can forget about everything. But I’m too angry to fall asleep, too angry to write in my diary, and too angry to cry.
“Okay, God, why are you letting this happen? I thought you were going to work things out. Maybe you could make Dad hold off on his wedding plans so Mom has more time to remember. What’s going to happen if Dad marries Rosa on Saturday, and then Mom remembers everything on Sunday? Why did you let things get messed up?” I close my eyes and take slow, deep breaths until everything fades away.
26
Robot-Girl
I smell Dad’s morning coffee and hear him bang around the kitchen. I logroll across my bed until I see my clock—six fifteen. I’m still wearing my clothes from yesterday, but I don’t care.
I hear Dad walk toward my room. He knocks. “Hey, River, isn’t Monday your volunteer day?”
