by H. M. Ward
"You really are the sweetest guy ever," I tell him, unable to tear my eyes away from his. His hand trails up my throat to cup my cheek, and I think he's going to kiss me. Am I ready for him to kiss me? I don't know if I'm up to taking that step, with him or anyone else. But the thought of his lips on mine makes butterflies swirl in my stomach.
He must see the hesitation on my face, because I was certain he was going to put his lips on mine. Instead, he presses them to my forehead in a kiss that is much more like the kiss a friend would give me. I'm shocked by just how disappointed I am that he didn't actually kiss me. He’s just a friend. I’ve been over this in my head a million times. I’m the one misreading his kindness as something more. He doesn’t like me that way, why would he?
After the water fight, the broken light fixture—I'm refusing to refer to it as a chandelier in order to keep my sanity—the crying, and the heavy conversation, I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. Daniel notices and says his goodbye, standing on the porch until I lock the door behind him. I shut off the lights on my way up to bed, fall face first into my bed, and am instantly asleep, dreaming of kisses that didn't happen and light fixtures shattering around me.
Chapter 11
"I just want to lick his abs," Lanie groans as she watches Daniel from the kitchen. He's up on a ladder, replacing the chandelier in the dining room.
I'm quickly lost in memories of the afternoon it fell, but Lanie's hand smacking my arm brings me back to the present. She's almost jumping up and down in excitement. "Look! Ahh! Gen! Those abs!" She's so dramatic. When he stretches to hang up the new chandelier, one that looks shockingly similar to the one that broke, his shirt rides up so you can see a portion of what I know is a six-pack. Lanie puts the back of her hand against her forehead, leans her head back and says, "Lord, I feel faint!"
I roll my eyes, but can't help the laughter. You would think she'd never seen a guy's shirt ride up when he lifts his arms with the way she's acting. "Jeez, Lanie, act your age." I sound exasperated, but really I'm just glad that the fight we had is over. I've missed my friend, so when she called to ask if she could come see us, I jumped at the chance to make up with her. Unfortunately, I didn't know she was going to bring my mom.
Mom steps into the kitchen holding CJ's baby monitor. "He’s asleep, honey. I brought the monitor in here so you can listen for him."
"Thanks, mom," I say with a sigh. She always acts like I don't know what I'm doing. She's probably right, but I've been his mom for over a year now. We're learning this whole thing together, and she suffocates me sometimes with her I know everything so you should listen to me attitude.
She comes to stand between me and Lanie, curious to see what we're staring at. When she sees Daniel in all his glory, standing on the ladder and stretching up to reach the ceiling so that he can screw everything back in, she huffs, shaking her head at both of us. "Girls, y’all are acting like teenagers instead of thirty-year-old women! You should be ashamed of yourselves. The man is only screwing a light."
Lanie laughs until she snorts, elbowing me in the stomach and saying, "I wish he'd teach me how to screw." Oh. My. God. She did not just say that in front of my mother!
"Lanie Jo Conrad! Your mama would be shocked hearing you talk like that about a man." My mother constantly feels scandalized by the things that come out of my best friend’s mouth. Right about now she's probably wishing we'd never met. "You need to find yourself a nice man and settle down." She narrows her eyes at both of us, "And you better not be giving Gen any ideas."
My face burns, I feel like she just caught me doing something I shouldn't and I hate it. Lanie doesn't let it bother her though; she just hip bumps my mom and says, "Oh come on Mrs. H.! I know you can appreciate the beauty that is a hot, young guy doing the handyman thing. Just look at those muscles! Plus, everyone needs to know how to screw properly!"
"Lanie Conrad! Your mother should wash your mouth out with soap!" My mom is trembling with indignation, her face is red and she looks like she just caught us ogling an underage boy.
Taking her by the arm, I lead her out of the kitchen, exchanging a look with Lanie that says, “This woman is crazy,” as we walk past her. As we walk past the dining room, Daniel turns, his eyes meeting mine, lighting up when he sees me.
"Hey, Genevieve." His smile is warm and the sight of that smile causes my stomach to flutter in a way that's not entirely unwelcome. I'm getting used to feeling this way when he looks at me, even though I should be running far away from it.
"Hi, Daniel. How's it going?" I'm trying to keep my cool, but it's not easy. He's wearing jeans that hang loose on his hips and another tight t-shirt, showing off the muscles in his arms.
"Pretty good. I'll be out of your hair soon." He smiles, as his gaze moves over my body slowly, lighting me up inside before he turns to my mom. "Hey, Mrs. Howlett, how are you?"
Mom lifts her chin, looking down her nose at him. "Hello, Mr. Clement. I'm well, thank you. How's your father?" She's very careful not to ask how he is, and he just barely flinches at the mention of his father. I look at him curiously, wondering if they've had another fight, but he avoids my gaze, keeping his on my mother even as his eyes narrow.
"He's fine, busy with his company." His words are clipped, and his hands tense at his sides before he crosses his arms over his chest, causing a chill in the room. I want to stop her, shut her up before she upsets him more, but I also don't want to call attention to our friendship. She'll never understand why I'd want to be friends with him, especially because he’s so much younger. Heaven forbid she finds out that I've got more than friendly feelings for him. I'd never hear the end of it.
She sniffs, "I'm sure he is, especially with this little hobby you have going. Isn't it time you stop playing these games and take your place working with him? You know that's all he's wanted, all these years. He's been waiting for you to grow up."
I didn't think it was possible, but the room gets colder and Daniel tenses even more. I can tell he's angry from the fire in his eyes, and I know I need to get my mom out of here, even though I want to hear more about what's going on with him. He's told me a little about his dad and their relationship, how his dad wants him to work with him, but he hasn't opened up very much about it. No wonder, if this is the way he reacts when someone brings the subject up.
Naturally, I want to know more about him, about what makes him the man he is. Now is definitely not the time though, so before he can say something that will cause even more problems, I usher my mom out of the room and give him an apologetic smile. He glares back at me, but it only lasts a second before his eyes soften.
"Come on, Mom, Daniel's busy. I'm sure he wants to get this chandelier put up so he can go home—he has better things to do than hang out here in my dining room." I'm hoping she takes the hint and shuts her mouth, but of course, I'm not that lucky.
Instead, she lets out a "Humpf!" before telling me, "I'm so glad you had Cade. He knew how important family is." I close my eyes in mortification, but she keeps right on talking. "I just hope you find a guy more like him, instead of relying on someone like that boy." It's funny now that she's all pro-Cade, but when we were actually together, she did nothing but put him down for the choices he made. She's just the type of person that will never be completely happy unless she's making someone else feel bad.
"Of course, Mom. I'll do my best," I say, trying desperately to placate her and get her out of my house. I can feel Dan's eyes burning into my back as I lead her towards the front door and I quicken my steps. I know that if someone was talking to him about other women, I'd turn green with jealousy. If he feels anything for me, this isn't a conversation he's going to take lightly. It takes everything I have not to release a sigh of relief when I open the door and she walks out onto the porch without protesting.
Putting a hand on my cheek, she gives me a concerned look. "Are you sure you're okay, honey? I know this hasn't been easy on you, raising that baby all alone. I wish you'd let us help you!" Just
like that, I feel like an ass for wanting her to leave. She's opinionated and has no tact, but she's my mother and she really does love me, even when she doesn't show it very well. Even when I have to repeat, "she's your mom and she wants you to be happy" like a mantra each time we're in each other's company for more than twenty minutes.
Sagging against the door that I've shut behind me, I nod. "Yes, mom, I'm fine. I just wish you wouldn't be so hard on Daniel. He does a lot for me, and Cade hired him years ago... when he was just a kid. Daniel doesn't have to do all the extra stuff he does, and I feel safe knowing there's a man here." I'm praying she doesn't notice that I'm attracted to him, but she's too busy telling me what I should be doing to notice.
"I know he does a lot for you, and your father and I are grateful to him for it, but if you'd just make an effort, you could find someone! Look at you dear; you're wearing yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt! If you aren't going to take care of yourself and make an effort, no man will either. Why don't you let Maggie set you up with one of those men her husband knows? They aren't Air Force men, and you won't have to worry about them deploying." There’s an unspoken, “the way Cade did,” hanging at the end of her words.
Holy hell. And we're back to her being her normal judgmental self. I’m ready to pull my hair out and I can’t hold myself back anymore. “Will you give it a rest? I’m not looking for anyone right now, I don’t need to replace Cade, and CJ is fine with me and only me! It’s my family, Mom, not yours. If you don’t like the way I do things, then stop coming over.” I fold my arms over my chest and glare at her.
Mom’s jaw drops at my outburst. Until now, I’ve been whiny and spineless. We both know it. This wasn’t. She raises her nose a little, and sniffles like I’ve offended her. “I didn’t mean to pry, or force you to do something that you don’t want to do. I just want you to be happy, and if I’ve gone about it the wrong way, well, then I’m sorry.” She swallows hard and turns to walk back to her car.
Damn it. How does she do it? It’s like she took a course for mothers and manipulation. She’s an evil genius when it comes to this stuff. I call after her, running down the sidewalk. I touch her arm and say, "Okay, Mom. I'll think about it."
"Do you mean it?" She narrows her eyes at me, scrutinizing both the words I'm saying and my face like she thinks I'm lying to her. I'm not, not really. I will think about it...I just won't actually do it.
"I promise. Now, shouldn't you get home to Daddy? I'm sure he's wondering where you are."
Smiling gently, she nods. "Yes, I'm sure he is. I'll come check on you and the baby in a few days." With that, she kisses my cheek and heads to her car with a triumphant smile on her face. Meddling woman. She drives me insane.
After watching to make sure she really does leave, I head back inside to where Lanie is still watching Daniel work. His movements are jerky and I can tell he's agitated.
"What did your mom say to him?" Lanie whispers as I come to stand beside her again.
Shaking my head I say, "The usual. He's too young, he needs to do the right thing... you know how she is." Lanie's been my best friend since high school, and even though she pisses me off sometimes, she's the only one who knows everything. Well, everything except the attraction I have to Daniel and the fact that he's been hanging out with me and CJ.
"Girl, I love your mom, but that woman needs a new hobby!" Lanie laughs, but she's right. My mom needs something to focus on besides me, my love life, and the guy who mows my grass. I just don't know what.
Chapter 12
The next few weeks pass quickly. Daniel comes over a couple afternoons a week to do stuff in the yard and help me with projects around the house, staying each night for dinner after showering in my bathroom. I blush every time I think about him being naked...and wet...in my shower.
Daniel never makes me feel like I'm an old lady preying on him. I live for the days he comes over, for the comfortable friendship we've developed. Daniel is the one person in my life that doesn't judge me or my choices. He doesn't tell me how I need to get over it or that I need to date, or find someone new. In fact, the more time we spend together, the more convinced I am that he might be attracted to me. We've spent so much time together lately, watching movies and hanging out, or just talking about our lives.
I've learned that Dan, even though he's a senior in college, is working hard at building his own business. He says he doesn't want to rely on his father forever; he wants to make his own way. In many ways, he's wise beyond his years. We've had so many little moments—moments where his hand brushes mine or when he tucks my hair behind my ear with a small smile, instead of reminding me that I still haven't gotten the haircut I've been talking about.
Being around Daniel is easy. Each night when he finishes whatever he's working on, he comes inside and plays with CJ while I make dinner. The baby is absolutely enamored with Daniel, his eyes follow his every movement and as soon as the door opens he toddles over to meet Daniel as he walks in the door.
Sometimes at moments like those, the guilt is almost unbearable. It tugs at my heart each time, because it should be his daddy he's so happy to see. His dad is supposed to be the one coming in the door and playing with him while I finish dinner. But for my son, he'll never get that experience. He'll never see his dad walk into this house, and he'll never really know him. With that melancholy thought, I look over at my little boy who looks so much like the man I loved with all of my heart.
CJ’s sitting on the floor in my room playing with his trucks, while I rummage through my closet looking for something that doesn't scream old, frumpy, or fashion-challenged. I'm having no luck and Daniel will be done in less than an hour based on the sound of the weed eater. I'm tempted to call Lanie and ask for her advice, but if I do, either she'll be over here trying to "help" or she'll call and tell my mother that I'm doing the lawn boy. No one wants that to happen.
Finally, I spy a pair of denim capris that are just tight enough to help keep the little bit of a belly that I still have after carrying CJ from being noticeable, without causing a very unflattering muffin top, and a cream colored t-shirt with brightly colored flowers sprouting from the hem. It's still comfy, and says "I'm not a total hag" without saying "I spent half an hour trying to find something that would impress you".
Once I'm dressed, I study myself in the mirror. I know I'm being extremely critical as I take in all the places that I wish I could change. I know lots of moms see their stretch marks as a badge of honor, but that's not me. Maybe it would be different if I knew the people seeing my body had also seen me before I had a baby. Any guy that sees me naked now would probably run screaming at the silvery lines on my belly, breasts and thighs. I'm pretty certain I have some on my butt too, but there's no way I'm turning myself into a contortionist in an attempt to see.
In addition to the stretch marks, I have a little bit of a pudge. My tummy used to be completely flat thanks to all the cheerleading I did in high school. I don't have the gap between my thighs that I used to have either. I officially have a "mom body" and I haven’t come to terms with it. I really need to start going to the gym with Lanie and Erin, but then I'd have to find someone to watch CJ. I'm sure my mom would, but I'm afraid that if she knows I'm going to the gym and bettering myself, I'll come to pick up my son and find random men that she wants to set me up with. Just the thought makes me shudder.
I'm still assessing myself and my outfit when his knock on the front door startles me. Shit! He's early! Picking up CJ, I rush downstairs to open the door, breathing just a little harder, my chest heaving slightly.
"Hey," I greet him, trying not to pant. I really should start working out again if just running down the stairs has me out of breath. Maybe I should rethink the whole not wanting my mom to help out. Filing that away in the "things I'll think about later, or maybe never" section of my brain, I concentrate on the man standing in front of me.
Dan's gaze dips down to my chest before he slowly meets my eyes. I can feel the heat rush to my cheeks at
the knowledge that he just blatantly checked me out. Clearing his throat, he smiles, "Hey, Genevieve." His eyes light up even more when he sees the baby reaching for him. "Hey, buddy," he says as he steps closer to take him from me.
He settles CJ in his arms as the baby starts flailing his arms and babbling at him. Daniel responds to everything like CJ is telling him all about his day, saying things like "really?" and "you don't say!" I shoot him a glare when I hear "Your mom did what?" and he chuckles.
When CJ starts saying "Dadadadadada," I have to squeeze my eyes shut to keep the tears at bay. I know he's not really calling Daniel "Daddy", he just can't say "Dan", but it still makes me feel so guilty. Logically, I know that he calls my dad "dada" half the time instead of "pops". It doesn't make it any easier though. Luckily, Daniel is engrossed in what my son is saying to him and doesn't notice the look on my face.
Stepping back, I gesture for him to come inside. Daniel walks past me, pausing in his conversation with CJ to brush a light kiss on my cheek in hello. I should be used to these by now. The first time he kissed my cheek was the night he walked in on my embarrassing breakdown.
Since then, he's shown affection in small ways each time he's been here. A kiss on the cheek, the top of my head or my forehead, or even just a light brush of his knuckles down my cheek as he says goodnight. It's not much different with the baby. He frequently places a kiss on the top of CJ’s head before he leaves, but it feels different when he does it to me. I have to admit though that I love how Daniel shows affection. I know it's wrong to keep comparing him to my husband, but I can't help it. Cade was affectionate, to a point. He was very straight-laced and perfect for military life. He would cuddle with me when we were alone, but around other people, he'd barely even put his arm around me.
