by H. M. Ward
She turns back to the television, obviously finished with this conversation and leaving me gaping at her, unable to find the words. Should I comfort her? Will she think I’m making a move if I give her a hug? I can’t believe she never told me any of this. I’m staring at the side of her face as Erin studiously ignores me. So I leave it alone, for tonight at least, and I lean back into the couch to watch television until I doze off.
By the time I stumble to my bedroom after consuming too much wine, I've decided that I'm going to tell my mom the truth... at least the partial truth. I'm going to say that I'm ready to move on, to make a life with someone that isn't Cade. She'll be so happy I'm going "man-hunting" that Daniel won't even cross her mind.
Chapter 17
My aunt, who's been staying with my mother since CJ and I went back to our house, called me first thing this morning, concerned by how poorly Mom is dealing well with things. She asks me to please bring CJ over in an attempt to cheer her up. CJ is amazing. It doesn’t matter how sad I am, he can always make me smile. I wonder if Mom’s been asking for him.
After getting CJ up and fed we head over to her house. The front door is locked when we arrive, so I use the extra key on my own key ring to get inside. This is the house I grew up in. On a normal day, my dad would have been out in the yard, riding his lawnmower. But the lawn has gone to hell and dad isn’t here.
I’ve been dealing with it by telling myself that it’s just for a little while. I’ll see him again, and Cade. And wherever they are, they’re both happy and looking down on us. I know they’re happy. Since I released my heart from its prison, life has gotten easier. A person can’t live on logic alone, and what’s a life without love? My dad adored me. It grieves me to think of Daniel and the relationship he shares with his father. His scars are a constant reminder of the way things were, and still are, between them. I’m thankful for the time I had with my father, and that he was a good man.
When we walk inside, I call out, "Mom? Are you home?" I know she is since I just talked to my aunt an hour and a half ago, but she doesn't know that.
"In here!" Instead of my mom's voice, it's my Aunt Susie that answers back, and even though it seems strange, I head for the den. The scene inside shocks me. My mother and her sister are very similar people, but today, they couldn't look more different. My aunt is dressed to the nines, the type of woman who puts on a pantsuit to go to the supermarket, but my mom—holy crap! My mom is wearing a pair of my father's old sweatpants, the kind with holes in them from the number of times they've been washed, and one of his San Antonio Spurs t-shirts. My dad was not a small man, but my mother is a very small woman. The shirt practically drowns her.
It’s probably clearer now the reason I’ve been living in yoga pants and stained t-shirts. When grief like this comes, everything hurts, even skin. Plus, I wore Cade’s shirts for a while, too. I kept them as long as they held his scent. The day I finally donated them to a charity nearly killed me, but I held onto a few things—a favorite sweatshirt, a sweater.
I know exactly how Mom is feeling—losing a husband is a pain that hurts like nothing else. The worst part is that no one can carry you through the grief. You have to get to the other side on your own. Friends and family can be there to prod you along, but they can’t make you move. Today, my mother’s clothes say she won’t be budged.
I carry CJ to Mom, who hasn’t even noticed us. She’s staring at the television and not seeing a thing. I know she isn't, and it’s not just the glazed look on her face. She’s watching a daytime judge show, which she hates because she thinks that discussing your personal business on national TV is disgraceful and demeaning.
"Hey, Mom," I say, leaning over to kiss her cheek. She startles at my voice, finally smiling when she sees CJ reaching for her and hears him babbling.
"Gahgah gahgahgahgahgah,” he says.
She takes him out of my arms, hugging him tightly to her chest and placing kisses all over his chubby cheeks. He squeals, excited to see her.
"Hi, Genny," is all she says to me before turning her attention right back to my son. "Hi there, Handsome," she says, the smile clear in her voice as she talks to him. "What are you up to today?"
“Mama mama. Gahhagaah.” He jabbers at her as she stares down at him, a small smile playing on her lips.
"How's she doing?" I ask Aunt Susie in a low voice. She watches my mom for a few minutes longer before getting up and gesturing for me to follow her into the kitchen.
I sit down at the bar while my aunt starts making coffee, moving around the kitchen with a huge amount of nervous energy. "Honestly, Genny, I'm not sure. I mean, you see what she's wearing today. It's the third day in a row she's been dressed like that, she won't leave the house and she does nothing but stare at the TV. I don't know what to do for her, there's no way for me to make this any better."
"I wish I knew how to make this part go faster, but I think she needs it. It’s hard, I don't remember much about the months following Cade's death, but I know I was a wreck. Mom and Dad helped. Being here helps, even if it seems like she doesn’t care—she does."
Aunt Susie looks thoughtful. "I think letting her spend as much time with CJ as she can muster is a good idea. It gives her something to focus on, and something to look forward to. Look at how happy she is right now, and that was just because she saw him. It's the most emotion I've seen from her all week."
Knowing we can't stay in the kitchen much longer without my mom coming to look for us, we head back into the living room where she's on the floor with CJ, his toys spread out all around them. I love watching my mom with him. With me, she may be a complete control freak, convinced she knows what's best for me, whether it's what I want or not. But with my son, she's the doting grandma. She spoils him rotten and he does no wrong in her eyes.
I sit down on the floor with them, pulling CJ into my lap and cuddling him to my chest. I love the baby scent he still has and take every opportunity to smell him. He's going to grow up so fast, he won't always be my baby who loves to cuddle. CJ grabs my face and squishes my cheeks together, making me have a fish-face.
“Mama!”
“Hwey, waby.” He giggles when I try to talk, and my mothers’ smile broadens. I grab CJ and roll onto my back, holding him over my head. His arms and legs dangle down, swatting at me, as he giggles. Then a big glob of drool falls on my face. Laughing, I put him down. “Cheater.”
My mom watches us together, a soft look in her eyes. CJ crawls over to her and they snuggle and he gets her to giggle softly.
Deciding that it’d be good for her to have something to do, I ask, "Can you come over and watch CJ tomorrow night?"
"What's tomorrow night? Do you have a date?" She's instantly alert, ready for me to tell her that I've met the perfect man, preferably older than me, rich, with a stable career. Little does she know that young, not so rich, with a new business is more my type.
Shaking my head, I tell her, "No, no date. Just going out to a bar over on the River-walk." I leave it at that, not wanting to lie to her, but not wanting to get into the details either.
"Oh," she says, her disappointment clear. It doesn't stop her for long though. "I'd love to spend some time with my grandson. And, if I come to your house, you won't even have to come home!" Jeez, she's offering to babysit while I go out for a one-night stand? Always classy, mom.
"Mom!” I gape at her, my face flaming red. Aunt Susie laughs.
“Well, a little sex now and then never killed anyone.”
Aunt Susie nearly chokes. “Stop encouraging your daughter into whoredom.”
“Is that a town? If it is Lanie will want directions,” I say. Mom gently slaps me on the back of my head, but she’s laughing.
“Lanie’s a good girl, she just doesn’t know it.”
“Good girls don’t have one-night stands, Ma.”
She cringes. “Mother or Mom, please. And I never said you weren’t a good girl, I just said that a little loving might take the edge off, so don’t h
urry home.” With that, she goes back to ignoring me and coos at CJ. I glance at Aunt Susie who looks like she’s thinking we should institutionalize mom in a designer straight jacket.
“Uh, thanks Mom. I probably won't need you to babysit overnight, although you're welcome to the guest bedroom if you want. That way you won't have to drive home late."
“You better not stay out late,” Aunt Susie chides, which makes my mother come to life. No one scolds me, except her. She and her sister snap back and forth while she plays with the baby.
I stay at my mom's until late afternoon. When CJ falls asleep, my mom prods, “Please go shopping. I love this workout, lesbian look you have going on, but I think it’s time to buy a new dress. Go out. I’ll watch CJ.”
Erin's words about wearing a sexy dress come back to me and I think about what I'm going to wear tomorrow night. When I refused to accept it, Mom returned my birthday dress. I don’t own a sexy dress. “Really?” I ask, not wanting to make things harder for her.
Mom’s jaw drops as her eyebrows go way up into her hairline. “You’re seriously thinking about it? Go! Don’t let me stop you. Aunt Susie and I can take care of CJ. Take your time. Buy some nice panties too.”
“Mom!”
Aunt Susie pinches her nose. “Oh, dear God.”
“You only live once. Make it count.” Mom takes my hand, squeezes it and says, “Go on. Get out of here.” I hug her and say thank you. I have a dress to buy.
Chapter 18
My mom arrives early to babysit CJ. She shows up just after I get out of the shower. I took extra time to make sure that all the pertinent areas are shaved and exfoliated because I want my skin to be soft to the touch. I'm choosing to be optimistic, hoping that we’ll talk and maybe we'll have some making up to do. I meant it when I told Lanie and Erin that I'm ready to move on with him.
"Hi, Genny," she says, leaning in to hug me and give me a kiss on the cheek. She's actually been a lot mellower for the past few weeks. It's like losing dad made her realize that her life isn’t the way she wanted and she’s changing things¸ at least she’s trying. Her outfit is confused. It’s her dress slacks and Daddy’s sweatshirt, and it swallows her down to her knees. I glance at her feet and she’s wearing stockings with patent leather shoes. Aunt Susie must have had a stroke when she saw mom leave the house.
"Hey, Mom." I hug her before stepping back to let her inside. As she looks around my freshly painted foyer, painted the same color as my also freshly painted dining room, her eyes come to rest on me standing in only a towel with my hair dripping down my chest.
Her eyes scan me quickly. "Do you always answer the door wearing nothing but a towel? Some men might take that as an invitation."
“Good thing you weren’t the UPS man, then.” I smile at her.
“Maybe.”
My eyes widen. “Mom! Stop being all vixen-like. I can’t handle it. Besides, I knew it was you. I saw your car out front." Holding the knot that’s keeping my towel from showing all my assets, I narrow my eyes at her. "I need to get dressed. I’m not going to the bar in a towel.”
“It would send a clear message.” She’s smirking, teasing me.
“I don’t think I want to project ‘crazy mess’ much further than the doormat, Ma.” She cringes at the use of ‘ma.’ She smiles at me, knowing I did it on purpose. “CJ's in his crib if you want to go get him."
I pad up the stairs with Mom at my heels. She takes a turn into CJ’s room and I head into mine. My heart is racing a little bit. This is crazy. The man doesn’t want to talk to me, but I can’t get past the feeling that I made a mistake. I study the dress I've chosen to win Daniel back. It's an emerald green vintage-style dress with a diamond cut neck that I found at a shop on the River-walk that specializes in pinup style dresses. It shows just a little bit of cleavage, and it's in the classy style that I love. I've paired it with cream-colored peep toe heels that are higher than I'm used to, especially considering the fact that I've been living mainly in flip flops and sneakers for the past two years. I really hope I don't break my ankle, although the shoes make my legs look really nice.
I leave my hair down, letting it fall in waves just below my shoulders because the green in the dress brings out the red tones in my dark hair. I keep most of my makeup light, but take time with my eyes, making sure my liner and mascara are perfect. Aside from the butterflies threatening to fly out my nose, I think I'm ready to go. I've spent two days planning what I'm going to say and how the night is going to go. I don't think I can be any better prepared.
Pressing a hand to my stomach, trying to calm my nerves. I pick up the matching purse I bought this afternoon and head for the stairs, hoping my mom doesn't ask too many questions about what I'm doing tonight. I don't want to outright lie to her, but I also don't want to fight with her about Daniel. She's made me feel bad enough about the feelings I have for him.
My mother is focused on CJ when I walk into the living room, babbling all kinds of nonsense to him as they sit together on the floor with his toys spread out around them. Concentrating on not falling over, I bend over to place a kiss on the top of his head, smoothing down his pale blonde hair.
"Oh, Genevieve, you look just beautiful!" my mom gushes as she looks me over, head to toe. "Do you have a specific man in mind tonight? Or are you girls just hoping to meet some new men?" She's entirely too excited at the prospect of me dating.
I have to be very careful to be truthful without letting her know that I'm going out alone, and to see a very specific guy. "There's a specific guy, but I don't want to jinx it Mom. We'll see how it goes, okay?" I bend to kiss her cheek before hightailing out of the house to avoid any further questions.
When I shut the door to my car, I let out a sigh of relief. I hate lying and being deceitful, but I really don't want her destroying the confidence I've spent the last two days building up. Putting myself out there isn't going to be easy, but I have to try.
Pulling into the closest lot to the bar, I put the car in park and take a deep breath. I can do this. He will talk to me, and we will talk. He’ll tell me Mom was wrong. I know he will. Looking in the mirror on my visor, I make sure my makeup is all still in place and squeeze my eyes shut tightly, trying to psych myself up for what I'm about to do.
Walking into the bar, I don't immediately see Daniel and I worry that maybe Lanie was wrong, or that he's off tonight. The place is packed because it’s forties night. Big Band music is blaring and a ton of people bounce around the room, dancing in ways that I thought no one knew anymore. I stop and stare for a moment. A man with dark hair and strong arms swings a girl around his waist. Nimbly, she floats to the floor like a falling petal, slips between his legs and jumps up again—the smile on her face is huge. Brown hair clings to her sweaty forehead and I envy her for a second. They look so happy together, so normal. His white shirt clings to his back. They must have been dancing for hours.
Pushing through the throng of people, I take the last empty seat at the bar and look around, hoping he's here, that I didn't make this trip for nothing. I almost sag in relief when he comes out from what must be a back room, carrying a case in his arms.
It’s as if he can sense me here, his head jerks up and his eyes meet mine. His are unreadable; I can't tell how he feels about seeing me at first. It's pretty obvious though when he shakes his head and looks away from me, his jaw tight in irritation. Deflating slightly, I order a glass of wine to avoid being told to move along and let a paying customer take my seat.
I already know my alcohol tolerance is low, so when I see him watching me from the other end of the bar I raise the glass up to my lips and take a minuscule sip. As soon as he turns to another customer, I dump the glass in the plant next to the end of the bar. It gets me some weird looks from the people around me, but I studiously ignore them and order another drink.
As much as Daniel is trying to ignore me, I see him sneak looks at me on and off for the next ten minutes. During that time, I've gotten a vodka cranberry, which
I've only taken about three sips from and am already starting to feel lightheaded. That's probably why dumping the rest of the drink in the napkin holder seems like a smart idea.
The rest of the night goes like that—I pretend that I don't see Daniel pretending to completely ignore me, while I order drinks back to back. In addition to dumping my drink in the plant and the napkin holder, I also dumped almost half a glass into the bowl of peanuts sitting between me and the blonde man sitting beside me. He doesn't notice, or at least I don't think he does.
A guy tries to talk to me. He’s all smiles. “Hey, gorgeous. Can I buy you a drink?”
“But where would I put it?” I try not to laugh. I’m seriously running out of places to dump drinks.
His dark brows lift and I must have set off his crazy chick alarm, because he excuses himself quickly.
I order one last drink, vodka neat, intending to swallow the whole thing this time. I stare at the little glass and pick it up, ready to throw it back, but I lose my nerve once the liquid slips over my lips. Glancing around the room, panicked, I look for a place to spit out the drink. Fuck, this is like drinking fire! I try not to draw attention to myself, but I can’t swallow it. The longer I hold the liquor in my mouth, the more it burns. I open my brand new purse and spew. Liquor sprays in along with a massive amount of drool, ruining my wallet, my lipstick, and, of course, my cell phone.
That’s when I notice Swing Dance Man standing next to me with one dark eyebrow raised far into his hairline.
“That’s one way to do it,” he says, smiling. There’s a dimple in his cheek. The woman he was dancing with rushes up behind him. Fuckbunnies! He noticed. My face flames in embarrassment. I guess I wasn't as stealthy as I thought.
