She looked fucking hungry for his wife.
Pain rippled Revik’s light, a near-blinding shard hitting him somewhere in the middle of the chest. He ripped the headset off his ear.
The virtual view of the wall vanished.
He didn’t know what look he had on his face, but he could feel Balidor’s light.
Concerned…cloying as hell, but concerned, well-meaning.
Concerned, yeah.
When Balidor touched his arm a second time, Revik stepped back, warding him off almost like a blow. Without meeting the other’s gaze, he was already turning, aiming his feet for the elevators on the other end of the patio. He didn’t see the trees or the algae-choked pond with the gold and white fish or the square hole of sky. He didn’t remember passing through any doors. He didn’t remember pressing buttons on the elevator panel or seeing anyone, although he must have pressed buttons and there must have been others there.
He wasn’t sure when he could see again.
By the time it occurred to him to think about it, he wasn’t in the building at all.
He’d also started to run.
6
TRUST ME
He was late.
I don’t know why that would even bother me at this point, given everything else going on, but for some reason it did.
Well, maybe it didn’t bother me exactly. If I were being truthful, it hurt my feelings. I hadn’t managed to carve out any real alone time between us in longer than I cared to remember. I tried not to take that personally, too, but again, it was almost impossible not to right then.
I also tried not to read too much into his absence, considering the day I’d just had.
I tried, but I couldn’t help it.
He knew. Someone must have told him. One of the seers running security on the wall, or someone on the infiltration team. Oli maybe. Anale. Deklan.
Either way, he knew.
Maybe Revik had gone down to the wall himself, looking for me. It wouldn’t be unlike him, especially now. And he’d gotten so damned good at shielding his light working with Balidor, I doubted I’d be able to feel him if he was standing right behind me.
I’d been on the verge of biting the bullet and just calling someone. I didn’t want to do it, but I was beginning to think I had to. I was trying to decide who to call…who wouldn’t flip out on me, that is…when out of nowhere, Revik walked through the door.
No ping. No brief, cryptic message that he was coming up.
Revik walked into our small, fiftieth-story apartment like it was nothing.
He also did it without speaking a word. He didn’t even look at me.
He didn’t bother to give me any excuses for where he’d been, either. He didn’t give me a chance to ask, or even to grump at him for being late. He was talking before he was all the way through the door.
“What was all that about?” he said, blunt. “Earlier…in the tank?”
I watched, taken aback, as he closed the door.
He glanced over his shoulder at me when I didn’t speak.
He still didn’t really look at me. It was more like he was making sure I was actually there, or maybe that I’d heard him and wasn’t in the Barrier or working or something. I felt him use his headset to activate the lock on the door. He unhooked the headset from around his ear as soon as he’d done it, tossing it on the low table by where he stood.
“…With you and Feigran,” he clarified. “With his drawing…? What the fuck was that? Are you going to tell me? Or is it one of those things you can’t?”
I just stood there, off-balance, and not sure how to react.
It crossed my mind to hit him back with something full-on sarcastic and kind of shitty.
I didn’t do that either.
I knew part of wanting to react that way had to be defensive…or guilt, maybe. I knew also it wouldn’t help anything and would probably turn this into a real fight before I’d even figured out how to talk to him.
The way his light felt bothered me more than the blunt question, or even the fact that he wouldn’t meet my gaze. Even in here, where we had our own construct that probably had the best shielding we could produce as a group, his light felt guarded, borderline shielded from mine. That didn’t even count the crazy-ass amount of shielding we’d erected around Revik’s light apart from the construct shields, so he wouldn’t have to shield from the rest of us constantly, in the course of just everyday-type interactions.
I understood why none of those things would be enough in Revik’s mind.
I understood that, sure…I did. Mostly.
A part of me wanted to prod him to test those shields a little more than he had been, though. I wasn’t stupid enough to think now was the right time for that, either.
So yeah, I only shrugged.
“You know as much as I do,” I said.
“I doubt that,” Revik said.
Hearing the edge in his voice, I didn’t answer.
I watched warily as he crossed the room to the small kitchen. He yanked open one of the sink cabinets, pulling a glass out and setting it on the counter. I guess I should have been thankful he didn’t fill it with bourbon, but then, I wasn’t sure we had any alcohol left.
He didn’t feel drunk to me. He didn’t feel like he’d been drinking at all.
Then again, I wasn’t confident I would feel that on him right then either.
I watched him fill the glass with water, using a plastic jug that stood on the counter by our non-functioning kitchen sink.
I watched him gulp down the water, then refill the glass again.
I knew I was stalling, too. The truth is, we were so limited in what he’d let us talk about, I wasn’t sure what wiggle room that left us. I understood all of his reasons for that, too. I knew he was doing whatever he could to protect Lily and me. Even so, I couldn’t help feeling I was losing my husband in the process.
“Temporarily,” he said.
I watched as he tilted the second glass up, swallowing the last of the water.
I noticed only then that he was sweaty.
He looked like he’d been running in his regular clothes. Usually he either wore shorts and went shirtless or he wore full combat gear if he was feeling really masochistic. Anything between those two extremes was pretty unusual.
I watched him avoid my eyes again.
“You’re late,” I said finally. I heard the edge creep into my voice. “Like an hour late…and you didn’t bother to call. Is that a part of protecting me, too?”
He glanced at me that time. I saw a hardness touch his eyes, right before it left.
“It might be,” he said, his voice emotionless.
I watched in a kind of blank incredulity as he went back to avoiding my gaze. He filled his glass with more water then stuck the jug inside our non-operational refrigerator and left the kitchen. Still holding the glass of water, he folded his arms as he walked over to stand by the window.
I watched him plant himself there, legs slightly apart. He gazed out over a view of the city, his expression back to infiltrator blank as he took swallows of the water.
“Jesus,” I began. “Revik––”
“Do you want to fuck her?” He didn’t look away from the window.
I froze, staring at his back.
“Chandre,” he clarified, when I didn’t speak. “I wasn’t aware there was something between you two. Do you want to fuck her?”
His voice was almost polite.
“What?” I said.
He turned. That time, he stared directly at my face, his clear eyes cold.
“Do. You. Want. To. Fuck. Her…?” he said, speaking slow. “It wasn’t a trick question, Alyson.”
“No!” I snapped. “Are you kidding me?”
Even so, my heart was beating hard in my chest.
Really, painfully hard.
I’d known we would talk about this, that it might torpedo any attempts of mine to talk about anything else…much less anything happening between
us. But I hadn’t expected it to go down like this. For one thing, I’d hoped I could be the one to tell him.
I’d thought his people would put off telling him.
Well, at least long enough for me to be able to frame this for him in some way. I’d known Deklan was working the station. He was usually discreet.
I figured, at most, Deklan would tell Balidor.
Not Revik. I never thought in a million years they’d tell Revik.
Maybe I’d miscalculated Deklan’s loyalty to Revik? Or missed out on some kind of seer “dude” code with specific provisions around wives?
“Revik.” I sighed, combing my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know who told you––”
“No one told me, wife,” Revik said. “I saw it.”
“You saw it?”
I blinked at this new information, confused. He wasn’t looking at me, but back out the window, but I could almost feel the anger on him now. More than that, a deeper hurt, what I’d so badly, badly wanted to avoid and what was a lot harder to push aside.
My mind ticked over the information he’d given me though, and I realized I’d miscalculated more than I’d realized.
“How?” I said.
He turned again, his eyes even colder.
He tapped his temple with a finger, still staring at me. “Headset, love. You stood right under a goddamned feed station while you dry-humped my infiltrator…”
I felt my jaw harden, but fought not to rise.
“Is this a fucking punishment?” he said. “For depriving you?”
I shook my head. “No. Revik…jesus. No. It’s nothing like that. It’s not about us at all.”
He just stood there for a few seconds, staring across the room without seeming to see it.
Then he let out a humorless laugh.
“Not about us?” he said. “Did we revoke vows, wife? Because I wasn’t aware that I had…or that you had, for that matter.”
His hurt pulsed out at me more intensely that time.
“Revik.” I softened my light, walking towards him.
He stepped back at once though…and sideways, increasing the distance between us.
“No,” he said, his voice cold.
I took another step towards him, shaking my head.
“Revik, baby…listen to me.”
He winced visibly at the endearment.
I held up a hand, a calming and peace gesture rolled into one.
“Just listen to me, okay?” I said. “With non-husband ears. For one second, I need you to just listen and not make this about us…”
He gave me a hard look at that, one that held a coil of disbelief.
“Don’t talk shop to me, Alyson,” he growled. “I don’t give a fuck what’s going on between us in our personal lives. Don’t talk shop to me in here…not about that.”
Coming to a stop, I thought about his words.
Still thinking, I slowly shook my head.
“Then I can’t talk to you about this,” I told him. I held up my hands, a gesture of defeat. “…I can’t. You’re just going to have to think the worst of me. Or trust me. Your choice.”
He let out another humorless laugh.
Then he shocked me. Turning sharply, he threw the glass he’d held.
He didn’t throw it at me.
Even so, my husband has a good arm.
The glass shattered into near-powder, leaving a slanting dark mark on the paneled wall on that side of the room. I jumped a little when the glass exploded, cracking the edge of the monitor in the process…but I didn’t move, still watching him warily as he clenched his jaw.
I waited, feeling that pain on him worsen as he fought to gain control over his light.
“Are you fucking anyone else out of operational necessity, wife?” he growled, looking at me. He clenched his hands on his own hips, making the knuckles white. “Is there a list somewhere, so I won’t be surprised next time?”
I felt my throat close.
I felt my vision blur, too. I fought to speak, then only looked away, shaking my head.
“No,” I said, soft.
“Do you want her?” he asked again, his voice cold.
“No!” I said angrily, looking up.
“It sure as fuck looked like you did.”
I bit my lip, fighting not to blurt out, It was supposed to.
But I couldn’t say that, either. He’d made the limits on this conversation crystal clear.
“I’m seer,” I said finally, my voice flat. “Sexual reactions don’t mean much under those circumstances. And like you said, we haven’t been having sex, Revik.”
He winced for real that time.
I fought not to react to that, too.
“I don’t want her,” I said, sharper. “Damn it, Revik…you know that I don’t. And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry you saw that…but it didn’t mean anything. Not to me. Not to us. I promise you.”
He nodded, his jaw hard. I felt a part of him understanding, including the parts I hadn’t said out loud. Even so, his anger remained cold.
He said, “So you just…what? Let it happen?”
I shrugged, again glancing at the walls.
I felt Revik notice that too. I saw his eyes follow mine around the sharp contours of the small apartment. I felt him understand, but rather than lessening his anger, I felt that anger in him grow even more intense.
“More or less,” I said, giving another shrug.
“More or less.”
“Yeah.”
A coil of fury left his light, enough to make me wince.
“Well, I guess it’s good you’re so well-trained as a whore,” he said, his German accent thick. “It must make all of this so much easier for you, wife…”
I stared at him.
I fought with what to say to that, then realized there was nothing to say to that.
I considered leaving. I didn’t though. I knew that might even be why he’d said it. So I just stood there, staring out the window. I wanted to say more. I wanted to, but I didn’t do that, either. Maybe he could even feel that, because his expression only hardened.
As per usual with us, his ability to remain silent outlasted mine.
“Revik,” I sighed. “Can we just cut the shit? For one night? Please?”
“Allie, we can’t. You know we can’t.”
I shook my head. “I don’t mean about that. I mean about us. Can we cut the shit about us and just talk for once? Can we just be married tonight?”
I felt his anger worsen, even as his shields seemed to thicken around his physical body. Trying to make my presence less confrontational, I softened my light and moved back, walking over to stand by the kitchen table. I rested my weight on the edge of it and planted my palms, wrapping my fingers around the metal edge.
Looking up, I tried to meet his gaze, but he wouldn’t let me.
Eventually I gave that up, too.
“Do you really think Shadow’s going to try that now?” I said. I made my voice more subdued. “…Here? We’re hundreds of miles away from them, Revik. You don’t even know that he can get to you long distance.”
Revik gave me a hard look. I saw the warning there.
I saw the disbelief, too.
I felt my jaw tighten at his expression, but I plowed on, shrugging with one hand.
“You don’t know if he can get to you at all when you’re outside of his immediate visual range,” I continued, my voice still neutral. “‘Dori’s pretty sure you need to be inside one of his constructs at the very least. In fact, all of the evidence from our senior infiltrators suggests that. He would’ve used you to kill me months ago if he could have. He wouldn’t keep trying to lure us closer to him, like he did in New York and Dubai.”
Seeing the immovable look on Revik’s face, I fought not to react.
Shrugging with a hand, I added, “He probably hasn’t even re-grown or re-implanted into a new body yet. Balidor seems to think that’s not a simple thing for him, either. He said Chan
killing his last body caused a noticeable crash in their construct in Dubai, right? One that isn’t fully repaired? So it couldn’t have been nothing to him, to lose a body like that. He’s probably distracted with other stuff right now, baby, or else––”
“Allie, all of that…every bit of it…is just bullshit speculation.”
I bit my lip, then forced another shrug. I used my shoulders that time, my hands gripping the edge of the desk. At least he was talking to me, I told myself.
At least he was talking to me about something other than Chandre.
“It’s evidence-based bullshit, at least,” I said, feeling my jaw harden. “Which is more than your…I don’t know…rampant paranoia based ‘caution’ or whatever you want to call it…”
He gave me a harder stare. “Sorry if I’m not about to risk you and Lily’s lives on your fucking guesses, Alyson.”
I felt my anger worsen. More than that, my defensiveness.
No one could make me defensive like my own damned husband, especially when he was in one of these moods. I knew the mood was my fault. I knew that…and I knew I’d be fucking livid if I’d seen him kissing someone else, whatever the reason, especially now.
But I also needed him to trust me, damn it.
After everything we’d been through, I deserved that much, at least.
I also knew this was a tactic of his…meaning to piss me off to the point that the conversation was over. Even now, he might be waiting until he had a semi-valid excuse to leave. He’d been doing the exact same thing to me for weeks now, so I knew that wasn’t all about Chandre, whatever he might be telling himself.
And yeah, he was better at avoiding me than I was at not letting him.
Fighting to pull my reactions back, I bit my lip. Exhaling again, I clicked under my breath, maybe just to keep from saying anything before I’d calmed down.
I looked at him, focusing on his clothes that time.
He wore a threadbare T-shirt that did nothing to calm me down in other respects, or to get my mind off what I’d been hoping might happen tonight. Given that I was now feeling pretty damned sure it wouldn’t happen, looking at him didn’t really help my mood. I knew I wasn’t being rational about it, but I couldn’t really help that, either.
Dragon: Allie's War Book Nine Page 10
