•The similarities and differences in your past experiences
•Any connections either of you made concerning what happened in your childhood and what has occurred in your present relationship
•Any similarities either of you see between your parents and your partner or your original abusers and your partner
Don't let this turn into a situation where one of you starts to psychoanalyze the other. If your partner does not see the connection that you are making, let it drop. You can't force her to recognize patterns.
EXERCISE: How Did Your Parents Interact?
Another aspect of sharing your histories is to discuss how your parents treated each other. In addition to replicating the way we were treated as children, we often repeat the ways our parents interacted with each other. The following questionnaire will help you identify any patterns you may have established based on your parents' treatment of each other. I recommend that you each answer the questions separately and then discuss your results.
1. Did your parents discuss problems rationally, or did they tend to blow up at each other?
2. Did they express emotions easily, or did they hold in their feelings?
3. Did one or both of your parents tend to blame each other for their problems?
4. Did your parents fight often?
5. Did one or both of your parents give each other the silent treatment?
6. Did one or both of your parents yell at each other?
7. Did your parents punish each other?
8. Did one or both of your parents emotionally abuse each other?
Step Two: Discover and Acknowledge Your Part in the Problem
This step is a natural outcome of sharing your histories with one another. For example, if you were emotionally abused by a supercritical parent who had unreasonable expectations of you, and you have repeated this pattern in your relationship with your partner by constantly finding fault in everything he does and by never being pleased, it is important that you acknowledge how this has contributed to the problems in the relationship. Even though your partner may have con tributed to the problems by being passive-aggressive (expressing anger in underhanded, passive ways) and deliberately doing things that will anger you, you need to recognize and acknowledge that if you hadn't been so demanding, he might not have been so passive-aggressive.
Even if the only thing you did to contribute to the abuse was to be too complacent, giving in to your partner's demands even though they were unreasonable, or blaming yourself for your partner's problems, you need to acknowledge this to yourself and to your partner. This does not mean that you take responsibility for your partner's abusiveness, however. That is totally your partner's responsibility, no one else's.
In order to prepare for this step, I encourage each of you to spend time considering the following issues:
•What do I do to contribute to the problems in the relationship?
•What are my expectations of a relationship? Are they realistic?
•What can I do to improve the relationship?
EXERCISE: Take Responsibility for Your Part in the Abuse
As you did in the previous step, set aside a time when you can each take responsibility for your part in the emotional abuse. Make sure you provide sufficient time and that you are not disturbed. I suggest you follow this format:
1. Sit facing each other as you each take turns acknowledging your part in the emotional abuse. Try to maintain eye contact as much as possible.
2. When it is your turn, be as specific as possible. For example, if you feel your part was the fact that you made fun of your partner in front of others, belittled his attempts at being romantic, and questioned his masculinity-then say this. If you feel your part in the emotional abuse was the fact that you never forgave her for being attracted to another man and used her indiscretion as an excuse to berate and belittle her constantly, tell her this. If you feel that the fact that you refuse to ever be pleased with your partner no matter how hard he or she tries, admit this to your partner.
3. When it is your partner's turn to acknowledge his part in the emotional abuse, listen with an open heart and don't interrupt. Even if your partner does not say what you want to hear or leaves something out, do not say anything. Try to remember how difficult it is for some people to admit their faults and weaknesses, and if you know that your partner is one of these people, give him credit for what he is able to admit.
4. When your partner is finished, let him know that you appreciate the fact that she was willing to acknowledge his part. If he is the type of person who has a difficult time admitting when he is wrong, let him know that it took a lot of courage to do so.
5. If your partner neglected to acknowledge a behavior or attitude that you feel is emotionally abusive or that contributed to the emotional abuse in the relationship, let him know that you think he left something out that you feel needs to be acknowledged. Depending on the situation, he may tell you that he wants more time to think about it, or he may ask you what it is. If he needs more time, by all means give it to him. Remember, if this was a very difficult step for your partner, he may have been as vulnerable as he is capable of being at the moment. Once he has recuperated from the stress of this step, he may be better able to delve a little deeper inside himself to find the fault you were referring to. It will be far more meaningful and powerful for both of you if he is the one to come up with it instead of you telling him.
If he asks you what you mean, take this as a sign that he is ready to hear it, and by all means tell him. Just make sure you don't get into an argument over whether he does or does not have this particular attitude or behavior. If he protests or challenges you in any way, simply tell him that this is the way you perceive things and agree to disagree for the time being. Then suggest that you stop there but that you'd appreciate it if he'd think about what you've said at a later time.
Step Three: Apologize for Past Hurts and Agree to Move On
Begin this process by each making a list of all the ways you have emotionally abused your partner. If you need help in doing this, refer to chapter 2 for a list of emotionally abusive behaviors and attitudes. Take as much time as you each need to make your list and make sure that it is as complete as possible.
When you have completed your respective lists, set up a time to share your lists with each other. In situations in which only one partner was abusive, I suggest the abusive partner go first. As with the previous steps, make sure you set aside sufficient time and that you are not disturbed. Taking turns, each partner should follow these instructions:
1. Facing your partner, begin by making a statement such as "I am truly sorry for the things I have done or said that have hurt you or that have contributed to the problems in our relationship. I'd like to read you a list of the specific things I've done that I know were hurtful to you or damaging to our relationship."
2. One by one, read each item from your list.
3. After you have read an item, look up and look directly into your partner's eyes and apologize by saying, "I'm sorry" or "Please forgive me."
Step Four: Discover and Discuss How Your Issues Collide
It is not only important for you each to acknowledge and take responsibility for your part in the emotional abuse but for you to understand how your respective problems feed off each other. The following example will illustrate exactly what I mean.
DEBORAH AND JACOB: INSECURE AND DISTANT
My client Deborah has always been very insecure in her relationship with Jacob. From the very beginning, she wanted to know all about Jacob's past, especially his previous girlfriends. Although he didn't have anything to hide, Jacob felt that his past was his business and found Deborah's questions intrusive.
Jacob complained that from the moment he came home from work, Deborah started asking him questions about how work went. Jacob resented the questions, feeling once again that Deborah was being intrusive, and so he wouldn't answer her or would give only evasive answers. This o
nly made Deborah suspicious. She began to wonder if he was having an affair with someone at work.
Because she is insecure about her appearance, Deborah was always on the lookout to make sure Jacob didn't get within range of other women. When they went to a party, she stayed beside him the entire evening, fearing that if she left his side another woman would snatch him away from her. Jacob reported that he felt like he couldn't breathe around Deborah and didn't even like going to parties anymore because he never felt free to talk to new people when he was around her. When the telephone rang and Jacob answered it, Deborah hovered close by in order to hear the conversation. This really bothered Jacob because he felt like he didn't have any privacy.
As time went by, Jacob began resenting Deborah more and more for what he perceived as intrusive and demanding behavior. "I wish she'd get off my back," he shared with me. "I can't stand her constant questioning and her possessiveness. It makes me want to run as far away from her as I can get"
Deborah, on the other hand, described Jacob as withdrawn, indifferent, and sarcastic. "It's like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything. He doesn't open up about how he's feeling or what he wants or anything. And God forbid he ever tells me he loves me. No wonder I'm so insecure."
As it turned out, both Deborah and Jacob were being emotionally abusive to each other, and yet neither was doing so consciously or intentionally. To make matters worse, their respective behaviors intensified each other's responses. Deborah's insecurity was causing her to be overbearing, suspicious, possessive, demanding, and emotionally suffocating. In response, Jacob had become more and more evasive, withdrawn, and withholding. Deborah's reaction to his withdrawal was to become even more demanding, agitated, and argumentative. And instead of being able to let Deborah know how smothered he felt and to insist she provide him some space and that she honor his boundaries, Jacob either withdrew even more or lashed out in sarcastic remarks. When he did this, Deborah would become sullen and sarcastic in return.
Deborah came into the relationship as an insecure person. Jacob entered the relationship as someone who was very private and somewhat distant. There were good reasons for each of their behaviors, both stemming back to their childhood. Deborah was insecure because her mother was unable to emotionally bond with her when she was a child. Jacob was distant because his father was emotionally distant from him when he was growing up. The important thing here is to realize that although they each entered the relationship with their own issues, their interactions with one another intensified their individual problems. Had Deborah been with a partner who wasn't quite as distant as Jacob, her insecurities might not have been as big a problem. Had Jacob become involved with someone who shared his need for privacy and space, his tendency to be distant would likely not have reached the proportions that it eventually did. This is how patterns dovetail, how couples end up pushing each other's buttons and exacerbating each other's problems.
Step Five: Share Your Triggers
As mentioned earlier in the book, sometimes emotional abuse occurs in a relationship because each partner is pushing the buttons of his or her mate. Usually this happens without either partner ever realizing what is going on. For this reason, it is important for you to share your "buttons" or triggers with each other.
LEONARD AND MAGGIE: A MOTHER WHO WAS Too LOOSE AND A FATHER WHO WAS Too STRICT
When Leonard was a child, his mother never had time for him. A single mother, she worked all day, and in the evening she went out to bars to meet men, leaving him with a babysitter. "I never knew what man I'd find in my mother's bed when I got up in the morning. Now, whenever my wife wants to go out with her friends at night, I freak out. I ask her not to go, and she accuses me of not trusting her and of trying to smother her. We always get into a big fight and say horrible things to each other. But it's not that I don't trust my wife, it's just that my buttons get pushed. I'm flooded with-memories of my mother, and I begin to feel incredibly insecure. I also freak out if I think she looks cheap in any way. If her skirt is too short, I'll say something about it, and this always makes her really mad. My mother used to look like a tramp when she went out, and I know this is what it's about. But Maggie thinks it's the trust issue again."
Incredibly, Leonard had never told Maggie about his experiences with his mother when he was growing up. "It's just not the kind of thing a man talks about, you know. I don't want to sound like I'm a whining victim or something. My wife has already lost respect for me because of my insecurities."
I encouraged Leonard to share the information about his mother with Maggie and, specifically, to share his triggers with her. I explained that unless she knows about his buttons she will continue to push them without realizing it, and they will continue to argue and name-call. He was reluctant at first, but eventually he followed my advice and had a talk with his wife, sharing his history and his buttons.
Maggie was very understanding and relieved to discover the source of Leonard's insecurity. In turn, she shared with Leonard that her father had been unreasonably strict with her and that her buttons were pushed when she thought he was trying to control her as her father had. She even confessed that she sometimes insisted on going out with her friends just because she didn't want to be controlled by Leonard-even when she didn't really want to go.
Once all this was out in the open, things began to change in their relationship. They agreed to be sensitive to each other's triggers and to tell each other when their buttons had been pushed. This seemed to work beautifully for them. While Leonard still felt insecure when his wife went out, he didn't freak out as much. Instead he told her his buttons were pushed, and she became less angry and more understanding of his re action. She even found that once she understood that Leonard wasn't trying to control her, she actually didn't feel like going out as often. The last time I talked to Leonard, he and his wife were getting along much better.
Step Six: Set Boundaries and Limits
In every relationship each partner has certain behaviors that are off limits-behaviors that are unacceptable to her or him. These may be behaviors that act as triggers, behaviors that go against an individual's moral code, or simply behaviors that make her or him uncomfortable. Unfortunately, partners don't always share with each other exactly what these behaviors are. Instead, they have one argument after another; one upset after another each time one of them crosses the boundaries of the other. The same is true for not sharing what their limits are. For example, it might be okay with you if your mate flirts a little when you are at a party. But it isn't okay if he flirts with someone you don't like, someone you consider to be after him, or someone you think is cheap. If you tell your partner it's okay to flirt or communicate this message to him nonverbally (by not getting upset or laughing it off when you catch him, for example) but then get mad when he flirts with someone who is "off-limits," he's bound to feel confused and angry. But if you are clear as to what your limits are-in this case, who is offlimits-he is much more likely to honor them, and if he doesn't, he certainly will understand why you are upset.
EXERCISE: Getting Clear about Your Boundaries and Limits
1. On a piece of paper, each of you makes a list of your partner's behaviors that are unacceptable to you; behaviors that upset you, behaviors that push your buttons, or behaviors that are morally unacceptable. For example, your list might include such things as being unfaithful, talking negatively about you to others, making fun of you in front of others, looking through your private papers, or opening your mail.
2. Make another list of what your personal limits are regarding your partner's behavior. For example, you may think it is okay for your partner to drink alcohol, but because your mother was an alcoholic, you become upset if she drinks more than two drinks. It may be okay if your husband goes to a topless bar at lunch with his friends, but it is not okay if he goes to a strip club where the women become completely nude.
3. At an appropriate time, sit down together and share your lists. Take turns explaining wh
y you have the boundaries and limits you have and ask your partner if she or he will honor these boundaries and limits.
Step Seven: Agree to Disagree and to Walk Away
From my experience working with clients, I have found that those who become abusive tend to believe that in order to be loving and supportive, their partner needs to agree with them. Those who are abused often agree with this belief. But this belief encourages both abusive and victimlike behavior. In order to have an emotionally healthy relationship, there must be space in your relationship for disagreements without one or both partners feeling unloved or unloving. You do not need to force your partner to see things your way, nor do you need to struggle to change your views or perceptions as a sign that you love your partner. You each have a right to your opinions.
You've no doubt heard the expression "Agree to disagree." It is a popular saying precisely because it works. It means that when you have reached an impasse, it is far more productive to simply say, "We aren't going to agree on this so let's drop it," than to keep hammering away at each other in the hopes that one of you will change your mind.
There are also times when the most constructive thing you can do is to walk away. If one or both of you is so angry with your partner that you can't stop calling him names or berating him for his behavior, the best thing to do is to leave the room or the home, if necessary. After you have cooled off, you may want to sit down and discuss your problem rationally, but until then, it is best to stay away from each other. The same holds true if you are on the receiving end of your partner's wrath. You don't have to sit there and take it just because he is dishing it out. Get up and leave-for his sake as well as for yours.
Often the healthier you become, the less you need to remain locked in the past. As each partner completes his or her unfinished business, dramatic changes can occur in each of your personalities. This, in turn, can result in each of you no longer reacting in the same ways toward each other and to no longer needing to pull at each other to get your unmet needs met by your partner.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship_How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing Page 16
