I pulled into the driveway after work, and grabbed my purse. Once I made it inside, I found Derek playing Guitar Hero in the bonus room.
"Hey, how was your day?" I asked walking in.
"Like you care," he grumbled without taking his eyes off his game.
I never knew what Derek I was going to get and I hated feeling like I was walking around on egg shells in my own house.
"Derek, I wouldn't ask if I didn't care."
He threw the Wii guitar down on the floor next to him and stood, stalking towards me. Grabbing my pony tail, he yanked my face to his.
"If you care so much, then why don't you show me just how much?"
He forced my mouth to his, mauling me, and I tried to pull away. A moment later he dragged me by my hair into the spare room, and threw me on the bed. I knew better than to fight him. When he was like this, it was best to just play along.
"Lie still," he said, pulling my yoga pants and tee shirt off, and throwing them on the floor before he discarded his own clothes. Then he leaned over me, pulling my panties off.
"Derek, I..."
"Shh, you know I hate it when you talk during sex. I can't fucking concentrate and we have to keep trying."
I don't know what the heck he was thinking. Before all the baby talk he was never like this with me. He used to be loving and kind. But after a year of trying and no baby, he had started to blame me for our problems, and was obsessed with proving his virility. It might have been the stress of trying to please his mother. Maybe he felt pushed to make our marriage what he thought she said it should be. Maybe he thought getting me pregnant would fix all our problems, get his mother off his back, and keep me home where he liked me and could control me.
He shoved me back against the pillows and plunged himself into me even though I wasn't ready. Not that I found him the least bit attractive anymore. His words, actions, and attitude made him increasingly ugly to me. He didn't even resemble the man I had married. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, so I wouldn't cry. Sex had become a chore, not that it was ever great to begin with. If I was honest with myself, I knew what he was doing to me was wrong, sexual abuse actually, but he was my husband, and it was only because he was so determined to have children. He was just hurting inside, so I overlooked it. Plus, he was always apologetic afterwards.
Derek had become a miserable person, he seemed mentally unstable and I had finally started thinking that our marriage wasn't going to last if he kept it up, and while I didn't know if I was ready to give up on him just yet, sometimes I still worried about staying with him for that reason alone. I kept hoping I could somehow get the old Derek back though. He was in there somewhere and I thought that maybe having a baby would bring us closer, but most times, especially when he was like this, I shivered at the idea of raising a child with him.
After Derek finished he rolled off me, his chest heaving. I sat up and went to the restroom to wash up, my hands shaking.
"What are you doing in there?" Derek yelled, coming into the bathroom. "You're just going to push out all of my sperm aren't you?"
"Derek, that's not even possible, and seriously, I just needed to pee," I reasoned with him.
"Mom said you should lay down for like fifteen minutes or so afterwards, just to give it time to get up in there."
"That's an old wives tale. It only takes one sperm to get pregnant, and seriously, with you shooting that stuff all over my insides, I'm sure one can manage to get where it's supposed to go," I said sarcastically with a huff.
He slammed his fist against the door frame, startling me.
"This isn't funny, Louise! You're such a goddamn bitch! You don't even want to have my kids do you? You just want to squeeze all my stuff out so you don't have to be pregnant. You are so fucking selfish!"
His anger was completely unjustified, immature and hurtful. I wasn't doing anything to deserve this type of hostility. I wanted to have children, I did. I just wasn't sure if I wanted them to be his, but the reality was, I wasn't doing anything to stop us from getting pregnant. I wasn't taking my pills anymore and I let him have sex with me whenever he wanted. Not that I had much choice in it.
"Derek, Liz went through this too," I tried to placate. "She says sperm can live in your body for up to 72 hours. So even if I haven't ovulated yet, if I do in the next few days we should be good."
"Except you're pushing it all out of you!" he yelled, pounding his fist on the door jamb. "You know what? Fuck Liz and her perfect little life. Why don't you just move in with them if you like them so fucking much?"
I stopped talking, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath, realizing the conversation was going nowhere fast. He stormed out of the bathroom, and I finished up and went to wash my hands.
Liz, my boss, and her husband did have a great life, but they had been through fertility procedures in order to have their two children so it hadn't always been sunshine and roses. All marriages had their ups and downs as far as I knew, it was just a matter of how you dealt with the changes that made or broke you. Obviously Derek and I were failing miserably.
The longer we went without getting pregnant, the more hostile he became. He had changed into someone I didn't know or like. He had become hateful and even though I didn't want to imagine bringing a child into that life, I also couldn't turn my back on him. We were going through a hard time and we needed to stick together.
When I'd talked to Liz about Derek's behavior she suggested that maybe it's a result of him not getting the kind of marriage his mother told him he should have. She said the fact that every marriage is different seemed to mean nothing to him. All he could see was that I wasn't doing what he thought I should be doing, which lead to him acting like a lunatic.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My dark hair was a mess, falling out of my ponytail after Derek's rough, one sided, sexual foray, and my blue eyes looked tired. Sighing, I splashed some water on my face and fixed my hair before pulling my clothes back on and heading downstairs to prep dinner.
Derek was in the kitchen when I walked in. I walked over to the fridge to pull out some ingredients and then calmly turned to him with a last ditch effort to save our marriage.
"Derek, listen. Maybe we should go see a fertility specialist. They would be able to tell us if something is wrong, and hopefully suggest some solutions."
He crossed the room and pulled me into his chest, resting his chin on the top of my head.
"I'm sorry for the way I acted, Lou. I just get so frustrated month after month when your period comes."
"Then let's talk to a doctor," I said into his chest.
"Fine, set up the appointment."
**
"So Derek, the first thing we need to do is check your sperm count. Please see Natalie at the front desk, and she'll get you set up in one of our private rooms," Dr. Winters said, smiling. "And Lou, we'll start with an HSG test for you, which is where we inject some dye in your uterus to make sure your fallopian tubes aren't blocked. You should have all the results in a couple weeks. We can also order some blood work to check your hormone levels."
Derek got up and went to do his thing while I got settled in one of the exam rooms. We were both hopeful that we'd get the answers we needed so we could move forward.
**
"Derek, I'm home," I called as I walked in the door with a bunch of grocery bags. Things had been relatively calm since we'd visited with Dr. Winters. Derek had been acting more like the man I knew, and less like the tyrant he'd become of late.
Although, a moment later I heard him coming down the stairs like a herd of elephants, which was never a good sign.
"Got the call with the test results from the fertility specialist today."
"Oh yeah?" I asked, hopeful. "What did they say?"
I starting putting groceries away as he came up next to me, his arms crossed over his chest and a scowl on his face.
"They said that my stuff is fine, and all your shit is jacked up," he snarled with hatred.
I looked at him, stunned. That wasn't what I was expecting, not that I had really known what to expect.
I might never have children, I thought to myself as I felt a lump rise into my throat and tears threaten to fall.
"I'll call Dr. Winter's on Monday and see if there are any next steps," I whispered, falling into shock.
Derek sneered at me. "Don't fucking bother. I know this is exactly what you've wanted anyway. You don't even participate in sex, and you run right to the bathroom after to get rid of all my sperm so now I guess you're finally getting your way. Plus, it doesn't sound like they can fix the problem. You're all fucked up."
I thought about calling Dr. Winter's office anyway. I wanted to hear him tell me himself what my options were.
"What about alternatives? We could look into adoption," I suggested, still trying to remain calm although I was dying inside.
"No fucking way, Louise. I don't want some random kid. I want my kid. If you can't have my biological children, we just won't have any... together anyway."
His words were like a slap to the face. He had promised me that he would love me in sickness and in health, until death do us part, but it seemed now those terms were conditional. I didn't even really understand what he meant by "together", who else was he planning to have kids with? Was he cheating on me?
How had I allowed this man, who I'd been with for five years, who used to love and cherish me, to become so hateful and irrational and unsympathetic? I'd just been told that I could never have children and he was blaming me as if it were my choice. That was not what love was.
I needed to start making some difficult decisions about my future... without him.
Chapter 5
Present
Carson
Lou Evans? Lou Fucking Evans?
I reached over Eva and Caroline to shake Lou's hand, trying to keep the appearance of calm while my senses were on overload. I never expected to see her again, and yet my body was reacting as if she'd never left.
As soon as Caroline and Eva, who were headed for the dance floor, were out of earshot, I turned my attention to Lou.
God she was gorgeous. Just looking at her was causing my blood to heat.
"Carson... What are you doing here?"
What the fuck? What is she doing here?
"Caroline's my sister, she asked me out for a drink. What about you, Meg?"
Her cheeks flushed and she pulled on her pony tail, laying it across her shoulder before meeting my eyes again.
"Caroline invited me tonight too. We work together... I got that job at Foster & Company, obviously. " She paused, seeming to contemplate what to say next. "I honestly didn't think I'd ever see you again. You said you were in town for one night."
"I was leaving the next day to go back to Athens," I said and shrugged, trying to appear indifferent. "I guess we both told some lies..."
She looked down at her hands in her lap and then straightened her shoulders, raising her eyes back to me. "I'm sorry I left without saying goodbye. I didn't want t-"
"It's cool, no harm, no foul," I interrupted her, feigning nonchalance. What I really wanted to do was kiss her, interrogate her, spank her, hold her close and never let her out of my sight again. I couldn't believe she was sitting there in front of me. All those months I'd thought about her endlessly and now there she was, having drinks with my sister.
How could she share an experience like that with me, an immediate connection, and then just run off into the abyss? Didn't it mean anything to her? She's fucking married, that's how.
"Is that how it's gonna be? You're going to pretend that night meant nothing to you?" she asked, narrowing her eyes at me.
I looked into their wide blue depths. "Well Meg, what did you expect? We had fun, you got what you wanted and went on back to your husband."
She swallowed hard, and looked down. Her shoulders slumped. I suddenly had the urge to comfort her, but I held back, waiting for her to answer.
"I guess I shouldn't have expected anything, but for what it's worth, I'm glad I ran into you again. I'd like a chance to explain, if you'll let me."
What the hell do I say to that?
"Hey Carson! Welcome home!" Anne Marie Taylor, Caroline's other best friend, launched herself into my arms as I peeled my gaze from Lou just in time to catch her. Then I looked back over at Lou, who fixed a fake smile on her face.
"Hey pretty girl!" I said to Anne Marie, kissing her on the cheek.
"This is Ben Underwood," Anne Marie said gesturing to the man I had just noticed she had by the hand. "He's been working on your grandmother's house. Ben, this is Carson Foster, Caroline's brother. He's just home from college."
Ben looked me up and down, seemingly considering whether or not I was competition for Anne Marie's attention. I stood up and put out my hand. "Hey man, nice to meet you, I'm Carson."
His eyes softened as he shook my hand firmly. "Ben, nice to meet you."
"Likewise," I said before turning to Anne Marie. "Here, have my seat Anne Marie. I'm taking off." I strode through the bar towards the entrance without a backward glance. I needed to get the hell away from Lou Evans. I didn't want to want her, but I did. And I'd been a lot of things in my life, but one thing I wasn't is a home wrecker, at least not intentionally.
"Carson?" I looked up at the sound of my name.
"Luke Johnson. Hey man!" I said, clapping him on the back. "Long time no see!"
Luke grew up in the house next to my grandmother's, and Caroline had made good friends with him and his brother, Mark, when they were all kids. I'd spent small bits of time with Luke over the years, but he was several years older than me so we never ran in the same circles.
"This is my business partner Nick Underwood. Nick, Carson Foster, Caroline's brother," Luke said, gesturing to the man standing next to him.
"Nice to meet you. Any relation to Ben?" I asked pointing in the direction of the bar while shaking Nick's hand.
"Brothers. Nice to meet you too," Nick said and I nodded.
"You heading out?" Luke asked.
"Yeah, I'm gonna hit the road. Caroline's on the dance floor with Eva." Luke and Nick exchanged glances, before looking back at me.
When I felt a warm hand slide into mine I looked around to find Lou standing next to me. My gut clenched as Luke raised an eyebrow.
"You two are coming to the party tomorrow, right?" Luke asked pointing between Lou and me.
Luke and Caroline were having a 4th of July celebration at Luke's house. Since the two of them had run into each other again recently, they'd gotten closer than they'd ever been.
"I'll be there," I said, purposefully leaving Lou out and making an attempt to pull my hand from hers.
Luke clapped me on the back. "Well then, okay, later man."
As Luke and Nick walked off, I turned to Lou.
Chapter 6
1 year ago
Lou
YOU FUCKING INFERTILE BITCH!
No matter how hard I scrubbed, the permanent marker just wouldn't come off the wall. I numbly picked up the bottle of spray cleaner and the sponge and walked into the kitchen putting both down on the counter and taking a deep breath, dumbfounded at what my marriage had become.
My bags were already by the front door, and I was going to be late for my flight if I stayed any longer trying to clean up this mess. After washing my hands, I slipped on my sandals, threw my bags in the trunk and pulled out of the driveway.
My old green Camry had seen better days. The paint was fading and tires were balding, but even with over 200,000 miles, it was still running. I was thankful for that much.
A few months after we got the results from Dr. Winters' tests, I caught Derek cheating on me with some girl from his office. When I confronted him he blamed me for not being there for him, for not being an active participant in our sex life, and while I knew it wasn't my fault, I forgave him when he promised it was a one-time thing and said he wanted to try harder
Close to a year later, after c
ontinued infidelity, name calling, blaming, more sexual and emotional abuse, I had had enough and was feeling mostly numb. After coming home to the literal writing on the wall last night, I couldn't wait to live the rest of my life without him. I wouldn't let him break me though, I just knew I needed to get away, so I was just biding my time until I could find a job and secure my new life.
I hit the Starbucks in the terminal for my daily dose of caffeine before heading to my gate. As I boarded the plane and found my seat, I said a quick prayer for a safe flight and a successful trip.
"Where're you headed?" The man in the seat next to me asked.
He was dressed in a business suit, and looked to be mid forties with thinning hair and the beginnings of a pot belly. Unfortunately I was stuck in the middle seat between him and an equally interesting looking older woman who smelled like moth balls.
"I'm going to Savannah, Georgia. What about you?"
"Jacksonville, Florida."
"Ah," I said, with a small smile. "Business or pleasure?"
"Always business. My wife says I work too much and don't play enough, but duty calls," he said and smiled warmly. "I hear Savannah is beautiful. Have you ever been?"
"Actually I lived there for a while when I was younger, but this is my first time as an adult; job interview."
"Oh great! What do you do?"
"I have about 9 months left before I get my Bachelor's in accounting. I'm hoping to land this job because I really need a fresh start."
"Well, good luck to you then," he said with a smile as he put his ear buds in and closed his eyes.
I closed my eyes too and rested my head against the seatback thinking of how much this opportunity meant to me. It was my chance to break free of Derek and live my own life.
After changing planes in Atlanta, and another quick flight, I finally made it to Savannah. I had to wait forever for my suitcase, and then even longer for my rental car. When I finally got checked into my hotel I was starving.
Emergence (Awakening Series Book 2) Page 3
