"Carly is your daughter." His arms dropped from my waist as he stepped back and I knew I was losing him. Tears welled up in my eyes as I rushed to calm him. "I know it's a shock but if you'll just listen I can explain."
"Explain?" he growled. "You're going to explain how you've kept this from me? How you've let me think that Derek was her father when this whole time she's been mine? How could you do this? You preach honesty, yet you don't practice it."
My tears overflowed. I knew what I'd done was wrong. In the beginning I'd just wanted to make sure he was safe to bring into her life, then I hadn't wanted to ruin us by telling him about her, then the fire, and now... I just wasn't prepared. I'd done this to myself and I had no one else to blame. I could only hope he'd understand.
"Carson, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean..."
"No!" he screamed. "Just stop, I don't want to hear it."
I heard Carly crying, possibly woken by the loud voices. I looked down and took a deep breath not sure if I should continue trying to talk to him or go to our daughter. Carson made the decision for me when he picked up his keys and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?" I asked, tears flowing freely down my cheeks.
"I need space. Just give me some time," he said, and I knew at that moment that I'd just lost the only man I ever truly loved.
**
"Shhh baby girl, it's alright," I said, picking Carly up from the porta-crib I'd set up in Caroline's room. "We're going to have to go stay somewhere else for a while. Carson is mad at Mommy, and he asked me to give him some space okay?"
I sat Carly on the floor while I gathered up some outfits for her and stuffed them in a bag. Then I folded up the porta-crib and packed the diaper bag.
I felt desperate, but I didn't know what I could do to fix the mess I'd made. The pain was so acute that I could barely breathe through my sobs. My mind was going ninety miles an hour thinking of all the things I should have said and should have done. I was broken, desolate, and alone. Again.
Just thinking about leaving Carson broke my heart and left a sharp ache in my chest but I knew he needed time to wrap his mind around the fact that he was a father and that I'd misled him. I could only hope that he'd find a way to forgive me, and if he couldn't I prayed that he'd still want Carly in his life if nothing else.
Once I was done packing Carly's things, I went to the master bedroom to pack mine. The moment I stepped into the closet his scent hit me full force and tears welled up in my eyes. I had done irreparable damage to my relationship with Carson. When we'd first gotten together I made him promise me complete honesty in all things, and then I'd been less than forthcoming myself.
The worst part was that as much as I knew what I was doing, I also felt that I was playing it right. I had to protect Carly at all costs. She was my number one, and I needed to feel comfortable with Carson being a part of her life before I could tell him the truth. I only wished I had done it sooner, before we fell in love, before we talked about the future we'd have together. I deserved exactly what I had gotten.
My tears continued to fall as I recalled the look on his face when I told him he was a father. It was definitely shock and anger, but what got to me the most was the look of disgust and betrayal. I had done the worst thing imaginable to him. I kept his child from him, in a sense, and I deliberately and continually deceived him.
I just had to keep faith. Carson had been nothing but amazing with Carly. He'd accepted her from day one, and I hoped more than anything that finding out she was actually his daughter would strengthen their bond, even if it shredded the love we had for each other.
"Liz, I need to come stay for a while, okay?" I sobbed into the phone while tossing things into a bag.
"What's going on?" she asked, concern evident in her voice.
"It's Carson. I'll tell you about it when we get there," I said, grabbing the bag and Carly and running down the stairs into the kitchen.
"Well, come on then. Are you sure you're okay to drive? It's a long way. You could always go to Raleigh and stay with Charlie."
"Yes, I'm sure. But, Charlie wouldn't understand. I just need a minute to calm down and I have a couple of stops to make before I get on the road anyway, so I should be fine by the time I'm on the interstate."
I walked out to the car and unlocked the front door, tossing my bag onto the seat.
"Okay, see you tonight."
I tossed the phone into the front seat as I strapped Carly into her car seat, and wiped away my tears just as she started to cry.
"I know sweet girl, I don't want to leave him either, but I think it's best if we get out of here. He needs some time to decide what he wants and Mama has a little time off from work. I think we could use a visit to Aunt Liz, don't you?"
I leaned down and kissed her curls before setting the diaper bag on the seat next to her and then climbing into the driver's seat.
Pulling out of the driveway I headed downtown. I needed to go see Derek.
**
"Lou, what a surprise," Derek said, opening the door just wide enough to see me.
I shifted Carly from one hip to the other while I waited impatiently for him to invite me into his room.
"Aren't you going to invite me in?"
His eyes were shifty as he said, "Give me five minutes and I'll meet you in the lobby."
I narrowed my eyes at him a moment before I heard a female voice call out to him.
"Well, some things never change," I said, shaking my head at him.
"Five minutes," he said.
I rolled my eyes and headed to the lobby to wait. When he showed up a few minutes later his clothes were a mess. His pants were all wrinkled and his shirt was only half tucked in. I couldn't believe I used to find him attractive.
"Hey Lou, sorry about that," he said, sitting down on the chair opposite me.
His eyes locked on Carly. "Wow, she's gorgeous. I mean, I knew she would be since she's yours. Can I hold her?"
"Derek, no," I said exasperated. "How could you come here and beg for me to come home with you and then pick up some woman and bring her back to your hotel?"
"Lou, I promise, if you want to come back there will never be another woman."
"Derek, that isn't the point. You say you love me and you want a life with me but you still can't keep it in your pants."
"But we're not even together yet. You can't blame me."
The fact that he said he loved me and was still able to go have sex with another woman was unfathomable to me. He still didn't get it.
"You know what Derek? That's a funny choice of words, because blame is one thing you're really good at laying on other people. You blamed me and your mother for our marriage falling apart but you've never taken responsibility for your part in it. And here you are blaming me for the fact that we're not together yet to somehow make it okay that you hooked up with someone. You can't take responsibility for anything."
"Lou, I love you" he started.
"And the day I found out I was pregnant with Carly... Doctor Roland showed me Doctor Winters' report that said you were the infertile one. How could you lie to me like that? I cried for weeks thinking that I'd never be able to have a child and you let me keep thinking it was my fault when the entire time it was you with the problem. You don't love me. You can't. That's not what love is."
"Lou, I..."
"I'm done Derek. I'm sorry for whatever Charlie told you that made you think you had a shot at getting me back, but it's been over for a very long time, and there is no chance that I would ever get back together with you," I said, standing. "Please go back home, and stop talking about me with Charlie. Move on with your life, find something or someone that makes you happy, but leave me alone. Please."
"Lou, wait," Derek called to my retreating back.
"Goodbye Derek," I said, not looking back and feeling as if I'd closed the door firmly and put a deadbolt on that chapter of my life.
Once I was on the highway I called Kelly to let her know whe
re I was going and that I wouldn't need her for a few days and then I called my manager to say I'd be out of the office for a little while.
Several hours later when I finally made it to Liz's house I was exhausted and my eyes were practically swollen shut from crying. It had been a really long and emotionally draining day, to say the least. I picked up my phone, checking my texts and hoping to have one from Carson.
Kelly had sent through the picture she'd taken of Carson, Carly, and me before the company party. We were all smiling and happy. Carson's bright green eyes sparkled back at me as I stared at him. I would miss the angle of his nose, the sculpted jaw with the 5 o'clock shadow, the warmth of his voice, and the feeling of his hard body moving against mine.
Nothing would ever be the same again.
Chapter 38
Lou
"Oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here!" Liz said, opening the door to Carly and me. "Come on inside."
She stepped back so I could get through the door with my bag and Carly.
"Give me a hug and then hand over that baby! I haven't seen her since she was a tiny little thing."
I gave Liz a side hug so I wouldn't crush Carly and then handed her over.
"It's so good to see you, Liz. Are the kids already in bed?" I asked, hoping I'd get to visit with them because I hadn't seen them since December.
"Yeah, they went to bed about an hour ago, and Rick is playing poker with his buddies down the street. I have some wine open if you want some."
"That sounds amazing," I sighed, heading for the kitchen.
Liz cooed to Carly, following along behind me as I walked. "She is just gorgeous, Lou. I can't believe how beautiful she is. And she's so much bigger than she was the last time I saw her. It's hard to believe she'll be one in a couple months."
"Thank you, and I know. This year has flown by."
"Do you remember when she was born? She was so wrinkly and red, but we loved her in an instant."
"I do, I remember like it was yesterday."
I was laying in my bed a few days before Christmas when Liz poked her head in the door.
"Knock, knock."
"Hey," I said, stretching and yawning.
"How are you feeling?" she asked, coming to sit on the side of the bed.
"I feel like I got hit in the back with a Mack truck," I said, curling up into a ball.
"I think we should go to the hospital. You could be in labor, you know. It's been two days since you started feeling like this."
"Okay, I won't argue this time. I don't think I can take much more anyway. It's starting to radiate around my middle too, but my water hasn't broken."
"Well, it sounds like labor to me, so better safe than sorry. If nothing else, at least they could give you something for the pain," Liz reasoned.
I grabbed my overnight bag and let Liz drive me to the hospital where they confirmed I was in labor and admitted me immediately. Many hours later, I was holding my sweet baby girl in my arms.
"Oh Lou, she's so beautiful," Liz gushed. "What are you going to name her?"
I looked down at the little bundle in my arms and marveled at how tiny she was. Her dark lashes fell over her soft pink cheeks and her little mouth opened in a big crooked yawn that pulled at my heart strings. It was amazing how I could love someone so much after only having her in my life for a moment.
"I'm going to name her Carly after her father. Even though she'll never know him, I want her to have a piece of him with her always. I'll never forget him or the short time we shared together. The moment we met it was like the rest of the world ceased to exist. I know if we'd have had more time together that we would have been unstoppable. I found myself with him. It was one of the most memorable and awakening experiences of my life, and Carly is the beautiful result of our meeting. I hope when she's older she'll understand how special she is."
"I think it's perfect," Liz agreed.
"So, tell me why you're here. I thought things were going so well for you in Savannah that I was really surprised to get your phone call."
I explained to Liz about Derek showing up in Savannah and about finally telling Carson that he was Carly's father.
"So you really didn't even give him a chance to digest the information before you took off?"
I felt a little guilty for that, but mainly I thought I'd done the right thing.
"He said he needed some space and left the house right after I told him. He said I wasn't honest with him and wouldn't let me explain and when he left he was really angry with me."
"Understandably."
"I know. But he asked me to give him some time and I wanted to honor his request, so here I am. "
"Has he called?"
"Not yet."
"Lou, you know I love you, and I'm glad you're here because I've missed you, but with as much as you and Carson have been through and as much as he's supported you, don't you think that if he wanted you to leave he would have asked you to go?"
My shoulders slumped as I thought about what she said. I really wasn't sure. He said he needed space and time. Maybe I should have given him a chance to explain what that meant. Maybe he didn't intend for me to leave, but if he wanted me to stay, why hadn't he reached out to find out where I was?
I set my wine glass down on the counter and took a sleeping Carly from Liz's arms. "You're right as always, Liz. I probably should have waited for him to ask me to leave instead of taking it upon myself, but what's done is done. I'm going to try to get some sleep and I'll call him tomorrow when my mind is fresh to make sure we're on the same page."
"You need to call Charlie too, and tell her that Carson is Carly's father. That might put a stop to her talking about you with Derek."
"Right again," I said, kissing her on the cheek. "Thanks for taking us in. I'll see you in the morning."
After getting Carly settled and myself ready for bed, I crawled between the sheets and stared at the picture Kelly had sent until I fell into a restless sleep.
Chapter 39
Carson
"Carson, Derek is sterile. Carly's not his."
I pulled back to look Lou in the eyes, confused.
"But how can that be if..."
"Carly isn't Derek's daughter," Lou interrupted. "She's yours."
"What did you say?" I asked, incredulous.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Our entire relationship had been based on us being completely honest with each other, about feelings, about wants and desires, about life in general, and as it turns out, she was being dishonest the entire time!
"Carly is your daughter." I dropped my arms from around her and stepped back. "I know it's a shock but if you'll just listen I can explain."
"Explain?" I asked, my voice seething. "You're going to explain how you've kept this from me? How you've let me think that Derek was her father when this whole time she's been mine? How could you do this? You preach honesty, yet you don't practice it!"
Tears welled in her eyes, and while I wanted to comfort her, I couldn't bring myself to be nearer to her right then.
"Carson, this is different, I had to make sure..."
"No!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. "Just stop, I don't want to hear it." At that very moment Carly started to cry from upstairs.
Lou hung her head as I grabbed my keys and headed for the front door.
"Where are you going?" she asked with tears in her eyes.
"I need space. Just give me some time," I demanded, slamming the door behind me on my way out.
As soon as I pulled the truck out onto the street, I called Caroline and asked her to meet me for dinner. She had always been my go-to person for advice and at that very moment I needed her more than anything.
I couldn't believe that Carly was my daughter. I felt like Lou had kept a huge secret from me. On one hand finding out that Carly, the most adorable human being I'd ever known, was my own flesh and blood was an amazing revelation, but on the other hand, I felt deceived. I was hoping that talking to Caroline
could help me sort out my thoughts and decide how to move forward.
"So, what's going on?" Caroline asked as I slid into the booth opposite her.
"Lou's ex-husband showed up trying to get her back. He was telling her how much he misses her and how he wants to take care of her. He asked her to go back to Virginia with him."
"What did Lou say?" Caroline asked, pausing mid bite.
"She basically told him to fuck off, but he's staying through the weekend so he can try to convince her some more."
"Do you think she would go back? I mean, he is Carly's father, do you think that would have some sway for Lou?"
I swiped my hand over my forehead and through my hair, feeling one hundred different emotions.
"What is it?" Caroline asked, always able to read me.
"It's Carly. She's mine."
Caroline's stared at me for a moment not saying anything. Then she leaned back in her seat, and blew out a huge breath. "Wow, Carson. You mean the night you met her she got pregnant? That's... Wait... How are you feeling about all this?"
I dropped my head, setting my fist down on the table harder than I should have and causing the silverware to rattle. "I'm thrilled and excited and yet I feel like I've been duped. It's the best feeling in the world and the worst all at the same time."
My entire relationship with Lou hinged on honesty between the two of us but come to find out, she was hiding something huge from me. I suppose it technically isn't lying since she omitted the facts all together, but I still felt like she'd pulled one over on me.
"I get that Carson, but let me just play devil's advocate for a moment. As a mother-to-be, I can already tell you that I would do anything to protect my child from harm. I'm not saying that Lou shouldn't have told you sooner, but what did you expect her to do? You two had a one night stand and never thought you'd see each other again. She needed to take time to get to know you and find out if you were a nice and normal guy before she introduced you to her child, and even more so before telling you that you're the father of that child. What if you were unstable, or unfit to be a parent, or wanted to take Carly away from Lou? What if she just wanted to be sure she could trust you?"
Emergence (Awakening Series Book 2) Page 18
