by Bijou Hunter
I drink a few beers before I lose my edginess. Yeah, things will be okay between Harmony and me. I’ll figure shit out like I always do. When JJ showed up in Hickory Creek, I was the only one who thought to stay close to him and play the slow con. That’s the kind of patience I need with Harmony and the kid.
I lose count of my beers by the time Camden walks into the bar. People look at him and then glance at me. Twins are cute when they’re kids, but we’re not kids anymore.
“Hello, brother,” he says, sliding into the booth.
“What do you want?”
“I want to talk.”
“Now you want to bond, huh? That ship sailed, shithead.”
“It’ll never be too late for us. We’re bonded, fuckwad.”
I roll my eyes at his wording and gesture for him to continue. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Do you want to make small talk first and allow me to ease into my inquisition or should I jump to the interrogation?”
“I sincerely don’t give a shit what you do. I only plan to half-listen anyway.”
“I came by your place a few times, but you’re never there.”
Rubbing my bloodshot eyes, I shrug. “I’ve been at Harmony’s. A fact you already know because no one in Hickory Creek can mind their own fucking business.”
“How do you like her kid?”
“Did someone send you here to ask me that?”
“No, why would they?” Camden says, wearing a sincere expression on his handsome face.
“Then why ask?”
“I’m going with the small talk before I get to my point.”
“I don’t have all night to listen to you ask questions I don’t want to answer. Just get to your point and then get out.”
“It’s a public place, asshole.”
“You never drink here.”
“True. It’s a loser bar for loser people.”
People around us frown at him, but Camden just smiles at them. I don’t, though. I glare hard at the looky-loos.
“Are you listening to club business?” I holler at them. “Get the fuck away from this booth!”
The anger in my voice sends the customers scurrying. Some of them leave the bar altogether, but most of the boozers just find a spot farther away.
“Well, that was one way to handle the situation,” Camden says when I stop giving my death stare to everyone.
Using my arms as a pillow, I wish he would leave. “What do you want?”
“You’ve been hanging around JJ more than usual.”
“Yeah because he’s jumping through hoops to get his patch, and I’m the guy who has to hold his hand while he jumps.”
“Well, you are his best friend.”
I hear resentment in Camden’s voice. He’s such a jealous little bitch.
“Don’t cry,” I say with my face still hidden under my hair.
“Is JJ ready to quit?”
“Over some shit jobs? No,” I say, peeking out from behind my hair long enough to add, “Did you really think he would?”
“He seems like a lazy fuck.”
I rub my eyes and sit up straight. “He might be, but he knows the shit he puts up with now will lead to a payday later.”
“What does he talk about with you?” Camden asks and crosses his arms tightly.
“His old life. What women he wants to fuck. Mostly he talks about Howler.”
“What about him?”
“He wants to know what Howler was like when I was growing up. What Howler likes to eat? What movies he likes? What women has he fucked? JJ has a million questions about his father.”
“Why not ask Howler?”
“The old man spends more time bragging about his long-lost son than spending time with him. You’d know that if you didn’t spend all your time pitching a fit about JJ.”
“I can’t stand the fucker.”
“No one can, but he’s here, and he has goals. You acting as if he’s got the plague won’t let you close to him.”
“Are you saying you’re faking like you’re his buddy?”
“Sure, why not? I fake the same shit with you all the time.”
Camden smirks. “Asshole.”
“If you need to cry, take it home to your woman and leave me alone.”
“What about your woman?”
Thinking about Harmony makes me crave another beer. “I don’t want to talk about my shit with you.”
“And why is that?”
“You can’t see past your dick.”
“And you can?”
“I’m not the future president of our club.”
“Look, if you want to hash shit out, then let’s do it.”
I turn toward him and sigh loudly. “This is just like you. I’m here, minding my own fucking business, and then you show up when I’m drunk half off my ass to cause trouble. Why can’t you come at me when I’m sober and ready to fight?”
“I don’t want to fight, but I want you to be square with me for fucking once.”
“And you pick now to make your big stand? Now when I’m clearly feeling like shit is when you go for the jugular.”
Camden stands up, looking ready to storm out. I hope he does before I’m forced to punch his handsome mug. My brother instead stares at me while I order another beer.
“You drink too much,” he says, sitting back down.
“I know.”
“Then why don’t you drink less?”
“I have my reasons.”
“Plan to share?”
“No.”
Camden orders himself a second beer. “We used to be close.”
“That was a long time ago.”
“What happened?”
“Our world got bigger, and we had space to spread out. It didn’t help that people always thought of us as the same person.”
“That they do.”
“We’re not the same. You’ve been focused on running the club for as long as I can remember. As for me, I don’t give a crap about leading. I’m fine as a foot soldier.”
“Bullshit,” Camden grumbles.
“No, it’s not. I don’t have the fire to call the shots like you do.”
“That’s the booze talking.”
“Have it your way. I know what I know.”
“I don’t believe you’ve changed that much.”
“Think what you want.”
“I hope you don’t think JJ can be VP. No way will I ever trust that fucker.”
“Do what you want, boss. You’re running the show.”
“You know that ain’t true.”
Smiling at the pissy tone in his voice, I point out, “You got Dad running to you for help with JJ. He and Howler look like fools after Hayes and Bonn took over Common Bend. They’re on their way out, and you’re the guy everyone expects to slide into the leadership with the ease of a small dick into a stretched-out whore.”
“Poetic.”
“I don’t know what you want.”
“I want to know if you’re keeping an eye on JJ.”
“Is that my job now?”
“I assumed that’s what you've been doing the last few months.”
“No, you thought I was his best friend, and you got jealous. I remember laughing at you about that.”
Camden frowns when I laugh at him now.
“I shouldn’t talk to you when you’re drunk.”
“Yet here you are, doing just that.”
Camden throws cash on the table and stands up. “Fine. We’ll talk again when you’re sober. You know, assuming you ever go long enough without booze.”
“If that’s a hint that you’re setting up an intervention, have at it. Just make sure to provide snacks. A man needs to eat.”
Camden glances around the bar and then back at me. I know he’s waiting for me to say something. Should I tell him that I love him and he’s my favorite brother? Would a hug help his sour mood? Maybe I can beg him not to leave because he’s so special to me.
&
nbsp; Just thinking of those options makes me laugh while I rest my head on the table. I’m still snickering long after Camden stomps out of the bar and finally leaves me the fuck alone.
An hour later, I ask myself one simple question. How many times will I look at the bottom of an empty bottle before I know the answers aren’t waiting for me there? I spend nearly a day drinking more booze than a man should tolerate. My problems don’t go away, of course. I’m not who I need to be for Harmony while she’s everything I crave.
I walk my Harley most of the way to Lush Gardens. Driving would have been faster, but I nearly hit a parked car and then a tree. Even walking, I don’t see where I’m going and get pretty close to losing a nut when I collide with a fire hydrant.
Dragging my ass to Harmony’s front door, I don’t know what time it is. The moon is bright in the sky, meaning I’ve been drinking for most of the day.
The beers make me brave. No, more than that. They make me cocky and entitled. I want Harmony. She’s mine. Anyone, including her, who doesn’t agree is a problem to be finessed. I’ll fix whatever needs fixing because I’m Dayton Rutgers and I get what I fucking want.
I knock twice before Harmony’s beautiful face appears at the curtain. She studies me, and I catch her letting out a defeated sigh. Despite her annoyed expression, she opens the door.
“It’s late, Dayton,” she says through a crack.
Pushing on the door, I announce, “I am not a piece of garbage.”
“Are you drunk?” she asks, already knowing the answer since I stink of booze.
“I don’t need liquor to tell me I deserve what I want and I want you.”
Glancing back at Keanu, Harmony looks horrified. When her gaze meets mine, I try to kiss her.
“You need to go,” she mumbles against my lips.
“Why? Do you have a man in here?”
“Are you frigging dense, Rutgers? I’m watching The LEGO Movie with my son. Be smart and get your crap together.”
“I am smart,” I say, pushing my way past her into the trailer. “I know what I want. Why shouldn’t I get it?”
Harmony doesn’t shut the door, instead staring disgusted at me. I reach around her and pull it closed.
“I’m staying.”
“I know your mother raised you with better manners.”
“Oh, you know that, do you? What else do you know?” I demand, glaring down at her. “Do you know how I can’t stop thinking about you? Do you know how you break my fucking heart every time you blow me off?”
Harmony’s angry eyes mellow, and she sighs. “This isn’t the time.”
“It’s never the time.”
Shifting back and forth on her heels, Harmony doesn’t answer me. She looks at Keanu, who is nervous about my presence. He thinks I’m a madman, and I don’t blame him.
As much as I scare him, Keanu wants to watch his movie. He finally peels his gaze away from his mom long enough to stare at the TV.
“He should be mine,” I tell Harmony. “You know that.”
“Well, he’s not. We never happened, and you can’t change the past.”
“What about the future?” I say, cupping her face. “He doesn’t have a dad, and I can be one to him.”
“You once said kids were a burden to a man like you.”
“I say a lot of shit.”
“That’s the problem, Dayton. You say lots of shit. Why should I believe any of it?”
“Because you know he should be mine because you should have been mine. It’s not too late. We’re not dead, and we should embrace the risky choice.”
Harmony’s resolve begins to crack. “I’m afraid to take the leap and have you not there on the other side.”
“You think I’m a piece of shit.”
My voice is too loud, and I draw Keanu’s gaze back to us. A pissed Harmony sighs. She’ll try to make me leave soon, but I won’t go. Fighting with her doesn’t fix the pain in my chest, but I can’t walk away again. I know how that always turns out.
I press her hand against my chest. “I’m dying without you. No amount of booze makes me forget.”
Harmony takes pity on me. Not only do I see forgiveness in her gaze, she doesn’t immediately remove her hand.
“You can stay for a while but no yelling.”
When I walk to the couch, I stare down at Keanu. His father didn’t want him or Harmony. If I got her pregnant, I would have married her and raised the boy. Instead, Keanu belongs to a dead man.
“The past is crap,” I say, sitting on the floor next to the kid. “Your mother is a god.”
“Stop acting weird,” Harmony says, pulling me back, so I rest against the couch.
Sitting with her legs crossed behind me, Harmony leans my head back. She caresses the side of my face from temple to jaw.
“Calm yourself,” she whispers.
Keanu watches his mother until she smiles at him. “Dayton had a bad day. He’s hot now and needs to relax.”
He jumps up and runs into another room. When he returns, Keanu carries a paddle fan. He begins waving it next to my face to cool me off.
“Breathe deeply,” Harmony whispers as her fingers wash away the top layer of my tension.
The millions of other layers remain long after Keanu is distracted by The LEGO Movie. The boy sits a foot from the TV and talks along with the dialogue.
I twist around to look at Harmony. “Life handed me everything, and I shit it the fuck away.”
“What are you complaining about now?” she asks in her silky soft voice.
“You have a kid and work with disabled people. You’re used to dealing with people who can’t communicate right. How can you not understand me?”
“Maybe I don’t want to understand what you’re saying.”
“Why?”
“I have a mind of my own, Dayton Rutgers. Isn’t it possible my vision for the future doesn’t include your demands?”
“It should.”
“Why?”
“I can give you things.”
“I don’t want things.”
“I can make you happy.”
“You can’t even make yourself happy.”
Closing my eyes, I search for the right words. “I’d walk away from the club for you. I’d leave behind everything to be with you.”
Harmony covers my mouth with her hand. “Don’t say such things. The club is your family.”
“You should be my family.”
“Why?” she asks, giving me a confused frown.
“You know why.”
“I think you see me as a panacea.”
Turning around to look at her, I frown. “A what?”
“A fix to your problems. You’re unhappy, and you think I have the power to make everything better. But I’m not a magic bullet to kill your demons. I’m a woman with her own problems.”
Leaning closer, I inhale her baby powder scent. I also smell a hint of what I think is raspberry. I ache to taste her skin. Harmony senses where my thoughts are headed because she shakes her head as a warning.
“I wasn’t broken until you,” I tell her, unsure if what I’m saying is even true.
“You’re not broken. You’re obsessed.”
“I can’t pretend anymore. I thought I was a strong fucker by not crawling after you. But really I was a weak piece of shit unable to admit what I need. Now I’m admitting it.”
“So, I must instantly give in to you?”
“You need me too.”
“I desire you. That’s true. I don’t know if I’d call that need.”
“We’re more than the fucking.”
Harmony covers my mouth and shakes her head. “You claim you want me, but I come with a child that doesn’t need your dirty mouth spouting cuss words like they’re punctuation.”
I glance back at Keanu entranced by his movie.
“How many times has he seen this?”
“A million probably.”
“Is that healthy?”
Harmony y
anks on my hair, and I witness the full wrath in her faded green eyes.
“Stop being…” Harmony can’t speak she’s so angry. “This. If you want to stay, you better earn my attention.”
“I’m losing my mind,” I whisper. “I don’t know how many times a kid should watch a movie. I don’t know how anything works anymore.”
“Maybe you need medical help.”
“I need you.”
“What if it’s not enough?”
“You were where I went wrong. I had you in the palm of my hand. I only needed to close the deal, and I pussied out. I know things would be different if I made my move back then. I’ve known that for years, but I pretended because I don’t want to be a guy with regrets. Now I am drowning in those fucking regrets.”
“You feel it now because Camden has a wife. You want what he has.”
Sighing, I wonder if she’s right. “I thought I was like my dad and having a family was a mistake. I was wrong, and I gave you up.”
“You keep talking like we would have worked out. There’s no telling.”
“My heart knows.”
“Doesn’t my heart matter too?”
“Yes, and you feel it too. It’s why you haven’t thrown me out. You know I can be the man you need.”
“Stop talking until Keanu goes to bed. If you can’t do that, you’re not the man I deserve. Do you understand? Show me you’re capable of caring about something beyond your needs.”
Harmony’s tone sobers me up a little, but I still want to crawl on top of her and fuck away my bad mood.
Instead, I keep my ass planted on the floor and stare at the TV where LEGOs sing about individualism or maybe conformity. I’m too drunk to figure out what the song’s point is, but Keanu bobs his little head to the music and his movements lull me into a boozy dream.
Thirty Two - Harmony
What have I gotten myself into with Dayton? Things were so simple back when we drank and made out in the safety of the Red Barn Bar. Now he’s passed out on the floor of my house only a foot from where my innocent boy alternates between watching the movie and fanning the snoring hunk.
I sit on the couch, studying the two guys in my life. They are so completely different, yet they both have me wrapped around their fingers.
