by P. Jameson
"Shingles," Janet answered.
Dr. Gregory nodded. “‘Where?’ the doctor asked, and the man said, ‘Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?’”
Janet blinked, pressing her lips together. But Dr. Gregory’s expression, like he knew he’d won, was too much, and it happened. A sound so foreign bubbled up from her throat. Laughter. She was laughing at a dumbass joke. Who would’ve thought. And it wasn’t from her gut, not as carefree as most laughs were. But it was a beginning. She could see the doctor being right about changing her tune.
Who could know. Maybe she would laugh more than anyone else she knew one day. Anything was possible. Wasn’t it?
***
Smokes hefted a trash barrel and stacked it on top of the lift, pressing the button to hoist it into the compacter. It was a damn good thing his work didn’t take a ton of concentration because his mind was across the lot on what was about to happen to Janet.
An ultrasound. A goddamn picture of the baby growing inside her, and he was missing it.
He’d learned what time from Mama Kitty on his way out of the warehouse this morning and had been counting down the hours while he worked. Could they tell if it was a boy or girl this early? He tried to imagine what it would be like to have a little baby girl around the warehouse. One with Janet’s navy eyes and his—
Shit.
The baby wasn’t his.
Mine, his animal whispered.
No.
“Hello! Earth to a fucker.” Smokes blinked as Ratchet’s snarl pulled him back to reality. “That’s a recycling bin you just loaded into the trash compacter.”
“Damn it.” Smokes punched the button to stop the lift.
“Where’s your head today,” Ratchet growled, stomping over and removing his gloves so he could climb the ladder and retrieve the container.
“Sorry, man,” Smokes muttered. “My girl’s got me twisted up.” Surely Ratchet would understand female problems. He’d had his own when Marlee first showed up.
The Firecat let off a hard sigh. “Where’s she at?”
“Her room.” Smokes didn’t want to tell him about the ultrasound procedure.
“Do you need to go? I can get Weaver over here to do this shit.”
“No.” Smokes hated the implication that he couldn’t do his job. “I’m fully fucking capable of working, asshole.”
Ratchet smirked. “That’s King Asshole to you. At least until Felix gets back.”
“What?”
Ratchet froze with his foot on the bottom rung. “Shit.”
“What the hell did you say?”
Reaching behind his head, Ratchet tightened the black bandana that kept his long blond hair out of his face. “Listen, this has to stay between you and me. Think you can handle that?”
Smokes shot him a dirty look. “Of course I can. I got more secrets than you have fucks under your belt.”
“You have no idea how many fucks I have under my belt.”
Smoke shrugged one shoulder. “Still have more secrets.”
Ratchet narrowed his eyes. “Like what?”
Like that he’d taken a scourge for Ratchet when he was only eight years old, and even though Mama Kitty had begged the Father’s not to, Smokes had a three inch scar on his ribs from it.
Like that he wasn’t the father of Janet’s baby. Or how he hated all the empty relationships he’d had with woman over the years. How he had always wanted a family of his own but knew he didn’t deserve it and would never get it being an Alley Cat. That he was jealous of Ratchet getting the one thing he always wanted most. Jealous of the other males who had managed to claim their mates even though they were fucked-up too.
Maybe even angry at them all for not caring that mating the Dolls could harm them in the future. What would happen if the bonds broke and their females ended up like Mama Kitty, wrecked beyond repair?
He wasn’t letting it happen to Janet.
“Fine.” Ratchet sighed. “Here’s the deal. Skittles thinks Felix is alive.”
Smokes scowled. “I watched him burn up in that mansion. Saw it with my own eyes. We had a memorial for him. He’s dead.”
“He’s not. The news is reporting only one body found. Bastian’s. Which means Felix got out. And think about it. He sacrificed himself for the good of the clan. Sacrifice. That’s what it takes to become a Firecat.” It took more than that. Otherwise, Smokes would have the fiery beast. He had sacrificed more than enough. “It’s possible that he shifted and is somewhere licking his wounds.”
Felix made wounds, he didn’t lick them. And if he had the power of a Firecat at his fingertips, he certainly wouldn’t be hiding somewhere. He’d be here. Using it to command the clan to do his bidding.
But something nagged at him. Something about Felix that he couldn’t quite remember.
Smokes crossed his arms over his chest. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Ratchet looked away, narrowing his gaze at the blazing sun above. “Yeahhh. Me too. But I got a feeling about this. I think he’s out there. Somewhere. Waiting.”
“Waiting for what?”
“The hell if I know.” He grabbed the rung above his head and began climbing, but a car horn honking across the lot stopped him.
Smokes looked over to find the new family-friendly sedan that belonged to Marlee now heading in their direction. He scowled at it. Car like that on Alley Cat property. It was unheard of. Bikes, old trucks, dump trucks, and hot rods. That’s what made up their lot. But inside, he was wondering if he should buy one like it for Janet. Hard to use a car seat in a truck.
The car stopped near the platform and Marlee hung her head out the window, grinning up at Ratchet. “We’re going shopping for a while.” He was already climbing down to approach her, and Smokes took stock of who was in the car. Vegas and Nyla.
“Who’s with Janet?” he bit out, and Marlee frowned.
“No one. Is something wrong?”
“Are you sure? What about Skye or Mama?”
She shook her head. “They’re in the kitchen making cookies. What’s wrong?”
They didn’t know about the ultrasound. Janet didn’t tell them. Which meant… she was all alone.
Shit.
“Smokes?”
“Nothing,” he answered quickly. “Nothing. Just wondering.”
Ratchet raised an eyebrow but Smokes stayed quiet. Finally, Ratchet bent to kiss Marlee through the window. And it couldn’t be just a fast peck either. He had to get all up in there and play with her tongue while everyone was watching. They did that a lot. All the mated couples did. It always set Smokes on edge. He didn’t want to dissect the reasons why.
Eventually Marlee and the girls drove away, turning out of the parking lot to head toward the interstate.
“Wanna tell me what that was all about?” Ratchet asked.
“Not really. But I’m gonna take you up on that time off.”
He didn’t wait for Ratchet’s answer. Instead, he jumped to the ground and headed for the warehouse, gravel crunching under his boots the whole way.
Inside, he stopped to wash his hands at the sink by the door and ripped some paper towels from the wall, drying them as he hurried to his mate’s room. When he got there, he found her door slightly ajar and pulled a hard stop just outside as he heard a sound that lit him up.
Janet was… laughing.
His mate was actually laughing. And damn, it was a beautiful sound. Something he always wondered about, but figured wouldn’t be possible for many years. He had to know what caused it.
Peeking through the crack of her door, he spotted Janet lying on the bed with her shirt pulled up to expose the slight bulge of her belly. Her sweatpants were pulled low too. Almost to her—
Smokes strangled back a growl. Let it be Toya doing the exam and not fucking Logan.
But his fear became reality when the male doctor’s voice rumbled through the cracked door, all light and carefree. Like he was enjoying his job. Who the fuck even enj
oyed their job these days? Freaks and geeks and bastard assholes, that’s who.
“Okay, one more, then we’ll begin. You’ll like this one.” How did the fucker know what Janet would like? He barely knew her. “A man calls the hospital and demands to speak to a doctor. When the doctor picks up, the man is frantic and says, ‘My wife is pregnant, her water broke, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!’ The Doctor replies, ‘All right, stay calm. Is this her first child?’ Exasperated, the man shouts, ‘No, you idiot! This is her husband!’”
There was a beat of silence and then it happened again. Janet laughed. It was a low, unsure sound, but it was definitely laughter. And fucking doctor Logan was the source of it.
Something warred inside Smokes’s chest. Something protective and jealous mixed with his own happiness at hearing her happy. Fuck. How could he want to rip the doctor’s head from his shoulders and thank him at the very same time?
That woman made the damnedest things possible. Smokes wondered what other miraculous things were possible with her.
He was going to find out. But not like this. Not when he felt fucking murderous. For the first time in a long time, he wanted to kill. It was clearer now more than ever, that he wasn’t safe.
Smokes turned to leave. He had to get out of here before the doctor made his woman laugh again—
He moved too fast and his elbow caught the corner of the door, sending it flying open to reveal him angry and stalking the entry.
“Shit,” he muttered, his eyes finding Janet’s.
She blinked twice, her smile fading before it settled into a soft crook. The same one she used in his room earlier. “You came,” she whispered. But it was her eyes that spoke the loudest, twinkling with some unknown emotion.
There was no escaping now. He would have to pull it together. And fast, before his mate discovered all the venomous jealousy writhing just under the surface.
Chapter Fourteen
Janet couldn’t believe Smokes was here. He was in his work clothes and looked angry for some reason, but he came. And that had to mean something.
“Come on in,” Dr. Gregory said, his words polite even if his voice held a hard edge. She suspected he was still upset about being forced to the warehouse even though she apologized for what had been done. “We were just getting ready to start.”
Smokes didn’t say a word as he walked over and stood beside the bed.
“Pull up the chair,” she urged, and moving awkwardly, he did.
Dr. Gregory smiled, but it was tight this time. “All right, mom. Are we ready to see what’s making a home inside you?”
Smokes went stiff, scowling hard at the doc. And she agreed. That was a strange way of putting it. But she nodded anyway, and held her breath as Dr. Gregory squirted a glob of gel on her abdomen.
“What’s that?” Smokes growled his first words since entering her bedroom.
“It’s harmless,” the doctor assured him. He pressed the probe to Janet’s skin and stared at the small screen that sat on the side table. “It helps the machine make pictures. Helps us see what we’re looking for.”
Janet watched the screen too, looking for any indication of a baby. She had never seen one quite this small on an ultrasound before, but maybe intuition would kick in and she’d recognize what she was looking at.
“There it is,” Dr. Gregory murmured, pausing on the left side of her belly. But Janet couldn’t make it out on the monitor. “Let’s check the heart first.”
She glanced at Smokes and caught him staring hard at the machine. “All I see is smoke,” he grunted.
“Not smoke,” Dr. Gregory said. “Where you see black, you’re looking at fluid. The lighter colors are tissue. The denser the tissue, the lighter it shows up. Bone is usually white, for example.”
“Got it.” Smokes nodded like he was filing the information away under things he needed to remember.
Doc paused again. “There, look. There’s a strong heart. See it beating?”
Janet watched the fluttering on the screen, and the weight of what was happening settled heavy on her. A baby. She was going to have a baby. And even though it was inside her body, it was hard to remember that it was part of her.
This machine proved it.
How was she going to do this? Be a mother. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be. Maybe she was meant to give him to someone else. Someone who could be exactly what he needed.
She focused on the tiny flickering heart. It deserved the best. It hadn’t asked to be born to her, or from a union so horrible. It was just there, growing and existing, like it was supposed to. It deserved to be loved.
“Look at it go,” Smokes breathed. “It’s amazing.”
“Quite,” Dr. Gregory agreed. “Let’s take some measurements.”
Janet focused on breathing while he clicked around on the machine and moved the probe around her belly. Smokes hovered close, watching every move intently. He was such a protector. She remembered what he’d told her about trying to protect the other Alley Cats when they were all boys. He would make a good father. Even wanted to be, if Mama Kitty was right.
She swallowed hard.
Why was that idea so appealing?
She watched his expression as he concentrated on the monitor. His wild exterior was softening before her very eyes and she doubted he even realized it.
“Here’s his head and a little bit of the profile. If you look carefully you can see a nose and chin.”
Janet squinted at the screen examining the little face. It was so tiny. Innocent. She wanted to protect it. From everything.
Even herself. Especially herself.
“There’s an arm. And a leg.”
Janet’s heart throbbed with unfairness for the little baby. “It’s so tiny.”
“Small now, but he’ll get bigger. Stronger,” Smokes murmured.
“Do you want to know the gender?”
Janet froze. She couldn’t sort her feelings. She thought seeing the baby would clear so much up for her. But if anything, it muddled things even more. Did she want to know?
She found Smokes staring at her, waiting for her to answer the doctor. He slid his hand over hers like before, and twisted their fingers together. Looking back at the screen, she made a decision.
“No. Not… not yet.”
Dr. Gregory nodded, seeming to understand. Good, because she didn’t. No was what came out of her mouth, but she didn’t know why.
He turned to Smokes. “What about dad? Want him to know?”
Smokes stiffened with surprise. “Dad?”
“I can let him know after we’re done if you want,” the doctor said, speaking to Janet. He was under the same impression everyone else was. That Smokes was responsible for this baby.
“I’ll wait,” he rushed out, clearing his throat. “Until Jan is ready.”
“All right, then. Everything looks good on this end,” Dr. Gregory announced. “Measuring about seventeen weeks. Maybe a little more, but it’s a good estimation. Heart rate is perfect, there’s adequate amniotic fluid, no anomalies that I can see. We’ll check again around six months.”
And like that, the procedure was finished. But she was no closer to figuring out how to move forward.
The doctor reached for a cloth and began wiping the gel from her skin.
Smokes’s hand darted out to stop him. “I’ll do that,” he snapped.
Dr. Gregory shrugged and picked up a pen instead to make some notes on Janet’s chart. “This machine doesn’t print pictures but I got a profile shot and I’ll send the file to Skittles. He can probably print it for you.”
“Thank you, doctor.”
He gave her his winning smile. “You’re welcome, Janet.”
She watched Smokes as he carefully cleaned her belly. He seemed much calmer than when he’d first walked in. As if seeing the baby soothed him. But it only made her more nervous.
She was responsible for the little life inside her even if she didn’t ask to be. She would nee
d to make the right decisions from now on. Ones that would keep the innocent baby safe. And she would need to be strong. Capable. She couldn’t fall apart when things were too hard anymore. But what if her mind couldn’t take it. What if she broke completely. Permanently.
Blinking, she caught Smokes staring at her. It felt like he could see inside her head. Like he knew what she was thinking. He pulled her shirt down and helped her sit. Minutes later, Dr. Gregory was leaving.
When they were alone, Smokes lowered himself into the chair beside the bed, his intense gaze on her.
“Thought you had to work,” she said.
“Thought you were getting Marlee to be here with you.”
Janet shrugged. “She was busy.”
“She didn’t even know about it. Why didn’t you tell her?”
Janet sighed, standing to grab a sweater from the closet and shrug it on. “I guess I didn’t want to bother anyone.”
“Except me.”
Except him. “Were you bothered?” she snapped. “You didn’t have to come if you didn’t want to.”
“Who said I didn’t want to?”
Janet stared, trying to figure him out.
“Just curious why you’re leaving your friends out of this. Why you stay holed up in this room instead of exploring like the others.”
“I’ve been sick.”
“Right. But it’s more than that, isn’t it?”
She dropped back to the bed deciding how much she wanted to tell him.
“I don’t like being anyone’s burden,” she admitted. Saying it out loud was like taking a veil off the feelings about her past. “I think that’s how Bastian convinced me to… to do what I did. I didn’t want to owe him. And at the time, it just seemed… it was just… sex. I didn’t know it would hurt me so bad. Poison me like it did.”
Well, shit. That was way more than she meant to say.
She dropped her head in her hands to cover the shame that burned her cheeks.
