by Jason Wright
Just before Thanksgiving, TJ walked into another family meeting. Tom Junior was telling the others about a schoolmate who might be a good choice to receive the Jar. Carol had just asked about the boy’s family.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with his mother but she’s in some kind of hospital,” Tom explained. He added, “She’s been there for a couple months and Jack’s dad is with her a lot.”
TJ watched Carol. Her hands were in her lap and she had the “wise” look on her face. Something was unfolding and she was the only one in the room who knew where it was going to end up. She helped the process along by asking, “So why do you think they need the jar?”
“They’re not going to have any real Christmas with their mom in the hospital,” Tom answered.
“Don’t you think there are other people who might need the money more, though?” Carol prodded.
“But you said it was about Christmas, not just money,” Jacqueline said. Carol smiled and TJ was reminded why she would always be better than he.
“Sounds like we have our family,” Carol suggested.
“What’s going on?” TJ asked cheerfully.
“We found out who’s gonna get our jar,” Tom answered. “Don’t worry, though, you don’t have to worry about it. We got it under control.”
A soft anger began to burn TJ’s face. There was no real reason for it. Tom’s statement was innocent and without the slightest hint of accusation. He was just reminding his dad that the deal was still in effect. Maybe that was the problem. Maybe the whole family was better than TJ and they knew it. That would be something to be angry about. Or disappointed. Or something. Guilty?
Carol sensed what was happening and gave TJ time to recover. “Was that my straight-A English student?” she asked. “Try ‘we found out who is going to receive our jar’,” she said, wisely correcting only the first part of Tom’s statement.
TJ’s brain took control of his gut. “That’s great!” he said. The smile that he forced onto his face stayed there voluntarily when his kids smiled in return. Tom Jr.’s smile was especially rewarding because it confirmed that he had no idea that he had just poked his dad. TJ continued, “I’m thinking I might have to take out a loan to meet my obligation here,” he said. “How much do you have so far?”
“Two hundred sixty-three dollars and eighty-five cents,” Jacqueline answered. “As of last Monday,” she clarified. TJ kept the smile glued on his face and looked at Carol. There is no way! he thought, no way that nearly three hundred dollars of loose change accumulated over the past few months. Carol had to be cheating. The sheepish look on her face confirmed his suspicion. She looked as though she had been caught stealing money from the jar rather than padding the total.
Now that TJ had a reason to be mad, he could find only feelings of love and amusement for his wonderful family. Without giving up the smile, he narrowed his eyes enough to let Carol know that he knew the score but not so much as to concern the kids. “Wow,” he said, “That should make a good Christmas. I’d better get my loan paperwork started.” He turned the smile up a notch and, with soft eyes, let Carol off the hook.
“You know, you don’t have to match the extra money I put in the jar, TJ,” Carol said later that night as they were readying for bed.
“No, it’s OK,” he answered gently as he hugged her from behind. “You all are doing a good thing. I really want to be part of it.”
“Then be part of it,” she replied very quietly.
“What do you mean?” he asked. He knew the answer but needed her to tell him.
“The first few times we counted the money, I had to explain to Tom and Jackie why you always disappeared when the jar came out. I told them you were busy and you were helping in the best way you could. It felt wrong. It felt worse when they just quit asking. They…we feel like you are not really part of this project. You’re just writing a check to clear your conscience and get us off your back.”
TJ was again surprised that he wasn’t getting angry. He suspected that Carol was, too. “Honey, you know it’s not like that. What I said about collecting change being a silly way to do charity was right. I made a suggestion – a compromise – and stuck with it. You’re doing a good thing. I want to be part of it.”
Carol tilted her head so her cheek rested against TJ’s arm, which now draped around her neck. “OK. We’re almost finished. I’ll let you know the next time we work on it…wait…in fact, Lexi is coming over Sunday. We can spend some time talking about Christmas Jar plans then.”
“I’ll be there,” TJ said. He knew that nothing was important enough to make him miss a Sunday afternoon with his family.
The doorbell rang at 6:15 on Sunday evening. That could only mean one thing: Will, Lexi’s husband, was along for the visit. He still couldn’t bring himself to just walk in the front door no matter how many times Carol reminded him that he was family. The Staffords didn’t see much of Will because he was just out of law school and in his first year at a big firm. He was so busy that, TJ joked, it was amazing they had time to get pregnant. TJ made a point of being first to the door. Will was surprised to see his father-in-law and gave him a hearty handshake. It was some time after Will and Lexi got engaged that TJ decided that Will was good enough for his daughter and actually told him so. Will was just now willing to believe that TJ meant it.
Carol ushered the group into the living room. Lexi and Will snuggled in the love seat with Tom sitting on the floor in front of them. He leaned back against his sister’s legs making her a human backrest. Carol and Jacqueline sat on the couch and TJ settled in to his recliner. It was a family moment that, TJ admitted to himself, was becoming all too rare. He suddenly and deeply regretted leaving himself out of previous Christmas Jar meetings.
“What are we up to now, Jackie,” Carol asked.
“Two-eighty-eight,” she answered.
“Dad brings us up to over five-sixty,” Carol said. “Now, Tom Tom, can you tell us the latest about your school friend’s mom?”
“She’s been moved to a hospital over in Chilton. She’ll be there a while. Jack’s dad can only get over there a couple times a week now. Jack isn’t allowed to go at all. He didn’t say but I think she must be contagious or something.”
TJ felt like someone had pushed him out of his chair. Jack’s mother wasn’t contagious. She was being treated for some sort of mental illness. The only hospital in Chilton that would cause someone to travel there was the State psychiatric center. TJ’s analytic mind filled in the blanks and told him more than Tom would ever get from talking to Jack. Any insurance Jack’s father had was either gone or very inadequate. People with money or good health insurance were treated in a private psych clinic. Jack’s mother had a chronic mental condition that required her to be under constant watch. This is not going to be a very good Christmas at all for Jack and his family, the phrase quickly ran twice through TJ’s mind.
“OK then,” Carol continued, “we should be up to about six-hundred-dollars by Christmas. Now we just need to make sure we know where they will be on Christmas Eve and start planning the delivery. We mustn’t be seen dropping off the jar.”
“Right,” Tom added, “I’ll ask what Jack’s doin’ at Christmas. He won’t be suspicious. Then we’ll know for sure if he’ll be home.”
“Great,” Carol said. Their months of work were about to pay off. Everyone in the room, including TJ, felt the warmth of unselfish giving. Then Will spoke.
“It’s still not sounding like much of a Christmas for the kids.”
“What do you mean, sweetheart,” Lexi asked.
“The money is nice, I’m sure, but the dad will probably give it to the hospital. Even if he does buy some Christmas stuff with it, it will be too late to wow the little ones.”
For once, TJ was ahead of Carol. He interjected, “Will’s right, what’s a jar full of cash going to do to make Christmas special? It will just be like they won the lottery.”
Will added, “Yeah, if you really want t
o give them something they wouldn’t otherwise have, shouldn’t you give them a Christmas?”
“Don’t you mean ‘We should give them a Christmas?’ You just signed up, big time, baby,” Lexi said.
Christmas came to the Stafford home the moment they all realized what they were committing to. Tom put it into words. “We could take the money from the jar and buy them a Christmas! It will be harder but much better, don’t you all think?”
Lexi added, “Jack’s dad won’t have to make the choice about how to spend the money.”
Carol, humbled by the fact that she was the last to see this one coming, said quietly, “I think it’s the most wonderful idea anyone’s ever had.” With that, the Stafford Christmas Jar Project became the Stafford Christmas Wish Project.
*****
Now that the project was moving from the money-collecting phase to the Christmas-creating phase, TJ felt he could ease his way in without “giving in”. He was happy to help Jack’s family but his real focus was on proving to his own family that he wasn’t Ebenezer Scrooge Stafford. These thoughts and a million more ran through his mind as he drove to an appointment in a little town an hour or so away. A law firm there recently lost their estate planner and wanted to talk to TJ about helping with some clients while they recruited a new partner. As TJ got out of his Mercedes and walked toward the office building, a realization flashed through his mind, “This is halfway to Chilton.”
Throughout the meeting, TJ’s mind was pulled toward Chilton and Jack’s suffering parents. It was very unusual and somewhat troubling to the man who was always able to focus on his work. He remembered briefly the day Tom was born. Carol didn’t know it but the breaks TJ took getting her ice chips or using the restroom were really excuses to get to a phone and land his first huge client. He was giving life to his current practice even as Carol was giving birth to their oldest child. Now, he was hardly able to even pretend to be involved in the discussions about the lucrative temporary work being offered him. He did manage to smile and nod at the right times in order to close the deal. And, as always, he did. He realized later he could have squeezed them for another percentage point but it strangely didn’t seem all that important.
TJ got into his car, sat frozen, and wondered exactly what was happening. He was, at that moment, as concerned about Jack’s family as he was about his own. His thoughts were interrupted by an overwhelming desire to go to Chilton. He started the car and pointed it toward the small town some twenty-miles away.
It was impossible to miss the Chilton Mental and Emotional Health Center. It looked like a cross between a hospital and a prison. Several barracks-like buildings surrounded a small park. Fences discreetly surrounded the entire complex and even few of the individual buildings. Not knowing why he was there or what he was going to do, TJ drove through the main gate and up the long, narrow, winding drive. An old man in a blue outfit with a shiny gold badge sat in a guard shack in one of the bends in the road. He looked away from a small TV just long enough to make sure TJ was going in and not out.
TJ sat in the car and listened to the ticking of the engine as it cooled. He’d parked in a small lot near the park. Now that he was here, he had no idea what to do. He couldn’t go in and try to find the woman. What would I say? He nearly said aloud to an empty car, “Excuse me, I’m a complete stranger looking for the mother of a kid named Jack. She’s been here a while and her husband comes by now and again.”
He got out of the car, pulled his overcoat from the passenger’s seat, and walked over to a bench. In the time since he’d pulled into the lot, he hadn’t seen a single person. Now, as he sat facing one of the long, squat dormitories, he saw a few people huddled tightly in a group. Smoke from their cigarettes mixed with fog from their breath. The place felt like a foreign country to him. Everything was familiar but nothing was normal.
After a few more minutes of wondering what sent him here and feeling foolish, lonely and horribly out of place, TJ determined to head home and call the experience nothing more than a well-deserved break and a chance to clear his perpetually cluttered mind. As he stood from the cold bench he noticed the main door to the building in front of him open. A man appeared and walked down the short concrete ramp and directly toward TJ. With every step closer, the more TJ could tell about him. He stood straight, but more like a soldier after a firefight, TJ noticed, not a cadet in formation.
The man very slowly played with the keys he held in his big hand, turning them over and over. As he approached, TJ could make out a young but weathered face. His brow was carved with deep wrinkles but he appeared no older than TJ. Now just a few feet away, the man looked straight at him. The eyes that met TJ’s gaze were full of more than just pain. A rush of emotion took away TJ’s breath. It started with a burning in his core and moved up into his face and exited through his suddenly-hot ears.
For a split second, TJ thought he felt all the emotions of the stranger. Despair overcame hope. Love struggled against exhaustion. Loss and longing mixed to form a new feeling even more painful than what TJ felt when he watched his father’s casket lowered into the earth.
And then he was gone, marching slowly across the park. His back and neck were straight but his head bowed. He shuffled keys but not feet. "A soldier between battles," TJ whispered.
He sat on his bench and marveled at the moment. The ten-second experience had exhausted him. It made no logical sense, but there was no doubt in his mind that he had just met Jack’s father. How had this come to be? Coincidence? Divine intervention? TJ believed in God and often went to church with Carol. But he thought of religion more as a moral code. God sat on a throne in heaven and watched people go to church. If they behaved, He would reward them when they died. But if TJ had been guided to this town and this park and this bench at this time, then God must be a lot more involved in the lives of His creations – no, children – than TJ thought.
When he arrived home he walked into yet another family activity. This time, though, the kids were honoring a long-held Stafford tradition. Playing on the big-screen TV was a fuzzy old cartoon. Charlie Brown was buying the most pitiful Christmas tree on the lot. “Hi, Dad,” Tom Jr. said quietly.
“Hey,” he answered. TJ put his briefcase next to his chair and sat down. He let A Charlie Brown Christmas wash over him. By the time Linus told the Christmas story, TJ was quietly sobbing. He thought about his father and imagined himself sitting on the floor, just like Tom Jr. and about his age, watching this very show while his father looked on.
He thought about his mother and how she was gone almost as completely as his dad. She always knew who TJ was when he visited, but she never recalled anything. It was hard to see his mother struggle but he knew it was normal for people to end a full life by gradually fading away.
Then he thought about Jack’s dad and what it must be like for him to see his wife in that dark place. He imagined for a moment what it would be like going to see his sweet Carol in Chilton. Mental illness is different from what TJ’s mother was going through. A young, physically healthy person leaves but doesn’t go away. He didn’t think he could bear looking into his beautiful bride’s eyes and not seeing Carol. He continued to cry as emotions that had been mostly held behind his brave dam spilled over its top and threatened to burst it entirely.
Tom could feel that something was wrong, but, before he could say anything, dad disappeared upstairs. Charlie and the gang sang “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” in the background. Carol was already in the bedroom putting away laundry. “Hi, sweetheart,” he said. She turned and started to answer but stopped when she saw his face.
“What’s wrong, baby?” she asked.
“Nothing. I was just thinking about my dad.” That was all he was ready to share.
“Oh. I miss him, too.”
“How is the Christmas Jar going?”
“Great,” Carol answered with a smile on her face and in her eyes. “Tom asked around at school and has a list of gifts for Jack.”
“What abo
ut the little girl?”
“She’s only three. She’ll be easy to please. All we really need now are gifts for the mom and dad.”
“I’ll take care of that,” TJ said in his ‘end of discussion’ voice.
“Really,” Carol said, continuing the discussion anyway. “What do you have in mind?”
“I’ll take care of it. Trust me.”
At work the next day, TJ noticed that Jenny had replaced her simple pencil holder with a beautifully hand-decorated, Christmas themed cup. “That’s beautiful,” he said. “Where did you get it?”
“I, ummm, made it.”
TJ smiled broadly. “I have a huge favor to ask of you.”
*****
Another Stafford family tradition was born that year. The entire family rose at 5:00 in the morning to shop on the day after Thanksgiving. TJ and Tom went to the electronics store, Carol and Jacqueline went to the toy store, and Lexi and Will went to the mall. Each pair had a list that had been carefully constructed and reviewed after Thanksgiving dinner. They hoped that the special early-bird sales would allow them to stretch their six-hundred and thirty-five dollars so they could get everything on their lists.
If TJ had been dragged into the crowds, lines, and traffic on any other day, he would have been cranky and miserable. It was the best day he could remember in a long time.
The down side of buying everything so early was that an entire month was spent in non-stop anticipation. All the gifts were wrapped and stacked in heavy cotton laundry bags. Tom suggested using trash bags but that didn’t seem right to Carol or the girls so the last few dollars were spent on nice blue bags with sturdy white drawstrings. Only Carol seemed to be worried that there was nothing in the bags for Jack’s parents.
