by Amy Knupp
Macey’s head whipped toward Selena. “It sounds like you’ve considered it.”
“For about twenty seconds. It wouldn’t work, though. I couldn’t live with the panic I’d feel every day he goes off to work.”
Macey opened her purse and dug through it until she found a package of gum. She offered it to Selena, who’d only managed to take one bite of her apple.
“No, thanks,” Selena said, distracted.
Macey unwrapped a piece and stuck it in her mouth. “Let me ask you something.”
“You can ask…” Selena had noticed something in Macey’s tone that worried her, told her she wasn’t going to like the question at all.
“What if Evan quit his job tomorrow and became a…hmm. A construction worker. Would you marry him then?”
“Construction? You think he’d be happy with that?”
“That’s not the point. For now, we’ll say yes, he’s incredibly excited about getting into construction. He does it by choice.” Macey pegged her with a stare. “Would you?”
Selena allowed herself to imagine the scenario for a minute. “Not a fair question,” she finally said.
“Ha! That tells me lots.” Macey raised her chin smugly.
“The answer is I can’t tell. I don’t know him well enough to consider marrying him. This is all so bizarre, the situation we’re in. Some people sleep around all the time and never get ‘caught.’ I do it one time and wind up pregnant.”
“Shows that odds don’t mean a whole lot.”
“I like Evan. He’s caring and giving,” she said, thinking of his insistence to pay for her doctor’s appointment. “He can be bossy and stubborn.”
“Can’t they all. Could you ever love him? If he wasn’t a firefighter…”
“Maybe.” She tried hard not to mull over the possibility most of the time.
“Are you attracted to him?”
Selena laughed. “What do you think?”
“I think he’s very good-looking and has that irresistible charm.”
“And yet you resisted him.”
“I was too busy chasing Derek.”
Selena nodded. “I’m attracted to him. Attraction got me into this predicament. But lust doesn’t mean love, and a marriage can’t work without love. So there’s your answer.”
“Lust can be the beginning of love, though. You and Evan make such a good couple.”
“Based on what?”
“I just sense it.”
“Are you spouting woo-woo stuff to me?” Selena grinned. “You want us to be together is all.”
“It’d make things easier for both of you. Admit it.”
“There’s nothing easy about me and Evan. It’s been a twisted mess from the first night we were together.” Selena stood and brushed off her backside. “Besides…even if I loved him, it wouldn’t change that he’s a firefighter. I can’t handle that.”
“You could work through it. If you wanted to.”
“I don’t. I’m trying to stay away from him as much as I can. We’ll both be better off that way.”
“So now would probably be a bad time to ask you to come with me to the annual fire department versus police department volleyball game?”
“Yes.”
“Yes?” Macey repeated. “You’ll go?”
“Yes it’s a bad time to ask. When is it?” Selena asked without any enthusiasm.
“Next weekend. They make it a whole event. Put the truck out for kids to see, serve hot dogs and burgers. But the main attraction is the game. It’s supposed to be entertaining—apparently they play for blood.”
“Nothing I like better than watching grown men act like Neanderthals.”
“Stop,” Macey said, laughing. “I don’t believe for a minute that you’re such a killjoy. Were you like this in Boston?”
In Boston, she’d led a whirlwind social life, except for the months she’d spent caring for her brother. “No. Pregnancy tends to change a person, though.”
“True. But you still need some fun. And I need someone to go to the game with. Please?”
There couldn’t be too much harm in going, at least if Evan would be involved in a volleyball game. Besides, she longed to get out “with the girls,” even if there was only one girl and she’d only known her for a short time.
“I’ll go. But I intend to avoid Evan as much as possible, so don’t get your hopes up.”
“He might have something to say about that. He seems to want to be involved with the baby…and you.”
“He’s doing it out of duty.”
“You can’t be sure of that.”
“Let’s face it—he’s an honorable guy,” Selena said. “Honorable guys don’t shirk their responsibilities. I just need to make it crystal clear that he is not responsible for me or this child and that we are not his duty.”
“Good luck with that,” Macey said, also standing. “I think you’re kidding yourself if you believe he’ll walk away.”
“He can’t force me to marry him.”
“But he can force you to give him access to his child. What are you going to do about that?”
“No idea yet. I was hoping he’d get over this insistence to be involved.”
“Those guys, the firefighters, most of them are like that. Very conscious of their duty.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Selena muttered.
She walked back around to the mural and picked up her brush. This was going to be a long fight, but she wasn’t going to back down.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
EVAN WAS DOING his best to worm his way into Selena’s life.
In the past week, since she’d made the mistake of kissing him, he’d called to check on her several times, brought her a supply of soda crackers and tried to take her out. She’d refused, using work as a somewhat legitimate excuse. The only thing she’d succumbed to was the doctor’s appointment, and of course he’d insisted on coming with her. There’d been no way to say no, not when he was paying for it.
Now, as she sat on the exam table in the office of a doctor recommended by Evan’s acquaintances, reality was bearing down on her in a way it hadn’t before.
Sure, she’d acknowledged her life was going to change drastically. Had considered what the pregnancy would do to her body. Had even allowed herself to envision a sweet, cooing baby in her life. But it’d been a distant, vague concept.
Looking around at the small room, there was no way to keep things vague or distant in her mind anymore.
Posters lined the walls of the otherwise warmly decorated room: monthly fetal development, changes in the pregnant woman’s body, baby growth charts. The magazine selection was a dichotomy of hardcore sports and parenting/pregnancy. Swollen bellies flashed at her from every surface. And that didn’t even include the wall of pamphlets on a multitude of pregnancy and newborn topics including some she never would’ve imagined in a hundred years.
A quick knock signaled the nurse’s arrival and forced Selena’s attention from one fear to another.
“Good morning,” the blonde nurse said. She was close to Selena’s age and tiny—barely five feet tall, if that. Her cute, freckled face was full of warmth and Selena clung to that.
“Hi.”
“Your first pregnancy?” the nurse—Kelsy, according to her name tag—asked.
Selena nodded, unsure her voice would work.
The nurse perused the forms Selena had filled out in the lobby, asking questions as she went along.
“Is Dad here today?” Kelsy asked, and it took Selena a few seconds to realize who she referred to. Dad. The father. Evan.
Duh.
“He’s in the waiting room,” she finally explained, plastering a smile on her face in hopes of hiding that this wasn’t a happy family in the making.
“Dr. Martin usually likes to check things out with an ultrasound the first appointment, as long as you’re far enough along. Sound okay?”
Selena nodded. There was no doubt in her mind about when th
e baby was conceived. She told the nurse the date of conception and Kelsy entered the information on her laptop.
“We should be able to see the fetal heart beating. Would you like Dad to join us?”
Hearing Evan referred to as Dad weirded Selena out. He wasn’t Dad—he was the hot guy who’d gotten her mind off her family problems for an evening. And a night and part of a morning if you wanted to get technical.
“Uh, sure,” Selena said, not sure about any of it and wondering if she could back things up by about two months and get a do-over.
“What’s his name? I’ll call him in once we get you settled in the ultrasound room.”
“Evan.”
He was going to love this. Not.
Selena followed the nurse to the end of the hallway and into a larger room with a handy supply of scary-looking equipment.
“Undress from the waist down. There’s a sheet on the bed to drape over your legs. Lie on your back on the table and relax. We’ll give you time to undress and then they’ll be in.”
Kelsy disappeared before Selena could process what was about to happen. She couldn’t think of anything worse than getting naked at the doctor’s office—except getting naked and then having a man she barely knew in the exam room with her.
She hurried to the door and whipped it open, frantic to stop the nurse. But there was no one in the hall. She shut the door in a panic.
Okay. Plan B. Kelsy would be showing Evan in any second and if Selena was still dressed and freaked-out, it’d be obvious this guy wasn’t the love of her life. Easy to figure out Selena had screwed up royally and was on the path to single parenthood. Best to undress and cover as thoroughly and securely as possible with the paper-thin gown. Fast. Because if she didn’t move now, she’d be standing in the middle of the room half-naked when Evan walked in, and that, too, would be mortifying.
She unsnapped her jeans and yanked them down her legs, nearly tripping over them. Folding them sloppily, she tossed them on one of the chairs. She sucked in a breath for courage, then took her panties off, sticking them under her jeans. With a glance at the door, she grabbed the sheet and wrapped it securely around her waist.
By the time the door squeaked open, she was on her back, hopefully well covered, her eyes closed.
“Hey,” Evan said as casually as if she was sitting there snacking on a bag of chips.
Selena opened her eyes and was relieved he was alone.
“Sorry to make you come in here. I didn’t realize what I was getting myself into. You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to.”
He took her hand—the one that wasn’t holding her flowy, ruffly shirt down over the top of the sheet as if national security depended on it—and squeezed it gently.
“You look worried,” he said quietly.
“I’m not a big fan of being half-naked at the doctor’s office. On the exam table, no less.”
He smiled. “It’s better than completely naked. They said we’re going to see the baby’s heartbeat?”
“I guess so. Believe me, I’m as clueless about this as you. And I was serious that you don’t have to stay.”
“I’d like to. It’s not every day a guy can see a microscopic heart beating on a screen. Especially one that he helped create.”
She looked closely at him, searching for humor or sarcasm, but as far as she could tell, he was genuinely excited. Of course, he wasn’t the one who had to have instruments stuck God knew where.
“Hello,” a woman’s voice called out before the door opened all the way. “All ready?”
Selena nodded, and Evan said, “Come in.”
“I’m Dr. Martin,” the brunette in her late thirties said, holding her hand out to shake theirs.
She made small talk and went over some of the basic information about the pregnancy just as the nurse had done. She did a quick exam, then began explaining how the internal ultrasound would work. She claimed it wouldn’t hurt, but Selena never trusted any medical personnel who said that.
“Ease up, darlin’,” Evan said quietly into her ear.
When Selena turned to question him, he was leaning down and his head was right next to hers, close enough for her to feel his breath.
“You’re cutting off the circulation in my hand,” he said. “It’s okay.”
She exhaled and loosened her grip.
“Are we ready?” the doctor asked.
Selena wanted to clarify that “we” was a misleading word since it was really her who would be on the receiving end of the torture, but instead she bit her tongue and nodded, scared out of her mind. She squeezed her eyes shut.
By the time Evan convinced her to open them, the overhead light had been turned out and the wand was undoubtedly doing what the wand was supposed to do in parts that she really wished were left private. It wasn’t as uncomfortable as Selena had feared—and then she forgot all about the wand completely.
“There it is,” Dr. Martin said.
She dared to peek at the screen, following the doctor’s pointer to a small blip that pulsed regularly.
“That’s your baby’s heart,” the doctor said. “Pounding away strongly.” She pointed out very general body areas of the fetus and Selena finally made out the shape of the alien being in her womb.
Except it wasn’t an alien. It was a baby. Fetus. Whatever. A little living being that would soon grow into a big living being that would require care day and night.
Nausea welled in Selena’s gut and she couldn’t seem to get enough oxygen. She closed her eyes again, trying to block out the sight and sucking in air as if it was in short supply.
“Selena?” Evan caressed her hand and leaned over her. “What’s wrong?”
She shook her head, still breathing deeply and fighting the terror that seeped into her every cell. Finally, the wand went away and the overhead light came back on. Selena kept her eyes shut while the doctor washed her hands and rolled the machinery to the side of the room again.
“Everything looks great so far,” Dr. Martin said. “The size is right where it should be. Based on the date of conception the baby’s due date is June twenty-eighth.” She sat on her stool and rolled closer to the exam table. “Is everything okay, sweetie?”
Selena forced her eyes open and nodded.
“Do either of you have any questions for me?”
“Is there anything Selena shouldn’t do?” Evan asked.
Selena couldn’t have come up with a coherent question if someone paid her, and considering she had to pay a deductible on her insurance claim on the house, that was saying a lot. Her chest had constricted and hurt right in the center. There still didn’t seem to be enough oxygen in the room, and closing her eyes really did nothing to stop the way her body felt. She wondered briefly if she was having a heart attack and figured if she was, this was the place to do it.
The doctor was going on to Evan about something—Selena tuned in just in time to hear her final sentence.
“The two of you can have a normal sex life and continue to have intercourse for as long as it’s comfortable.”
At that, Selena sat up and leaned forward, hands over her face, ready to cover her parts and escape.
“Good to know,” Evan replied to the doctor, and Selena could hear the smile in his voice. “Thanks, Doctor. We’ll see you in about a month.”
The doctor congratulated them and left them alone. Selena climbed down from the torture bed and hurried to the chair to retrieve her clothes. Keeping the sheet wrapped around her like a skirt, she pulled her panties on, her back to Evan. She finally let the sheet drop, sat on the chair, and jammed both her legs into her jeans at once.
“Are you okay?” Evan asked, bending down in front of her. His voice was gentle. That made tears well up in her eyes and all she could do was shake her head.
She was so not okay.
“I have to get out of here.”
CHAPTER TWELVE
AT THE RECEPTION DESK, Evan tapped the pen on the counter as he waited for t
he slip to sign. Selena had run out of the doctor’s office as though she had a swarm of killer bees after her. He’d be surprised if she was waiting in his truck. Something was definitely wrong. She didn’t show any of the awe he’d expected—hell, that he’d felt himself—at the sight of the tiny beating heart. Sure, the pregnancy wasn’t planned, and they were both trying to adjust to the news, but seeing that pulse on the monitor was a big deal.
“Would you like to set up the next appointment now?” the receptionist asked as she finally handed over the receipt. The ultrasound made it an expensive afternoon, but he was serious about getting her the best care available. He’d gladly pay extra for that.
“I’ll have her call,” Evan said. He had no idea where the two of them would be in four weeks, but stable wasn’t a word he’d use to describe their situation. At the rate they were going, it would take longer than four weeks to convince her to marry him. “Thank you.”
He hurried out the door of the office into what had become a gray, overcast day. Selena wasn’t in the truck. Big shock. But where the hell was she?
A glance up and down the sidewalk told him she wasn’t hoofing it back home. Finally, he spotted her sitting against the base of a palm tree at the side of the building, facing away from him.
He walked slowly toward her, unsure of what he was supposed to do or say. He needed to tread lightly.
When he got to the tree, he slid down the trunk on the opposite side from her. As he landed on the river rocks that lined the plant bed, he grimaced.
“What’s going on, Selena?”
She didn’t speak. As they sat there for what felt like aeons, the wind picked up, rustling through the trees, and large raindrops began to fall. Evan was on the verge of suggesting they relocate to the truck when Selena spoke up.
“I can’t have a baby.”
A drop nailed him in the cheek and he wiped away the moisture. “Okay. Why not?”
Something landed on the rocks in front of her and he guessed she’d thrown one of the fist-size stones.
“I don’t know how to be a mom.”
“Does anybody?”
“I’ve never even held a baby, Evan. I worked with kids, but they were all older. Walking. Talking.”
