by Diana Palmer
She’d noticed that he had a soft spot for his needy patients. He made extra time for them, acting as counselor and even helping them get in touch with the proper government agencies when they needed help. At Christmas, he was the first to pledge a donation to local charities and contribute to parties for children who wouldn’t otherwise have presents. He was a good man, and she adored him.
“Do you want children, eventually?” she asked.
“I’d like a family,” he said noncommittally. He glanced at her. “How about you?”
She grimaced. “I don’t know. It would be hard for me to juggle motherhood and medicine. I know plenty of people do, but it seems like begging from Peter to pay Paul, you know? Children need a lot of care. I think plenty of social problems are caused by parents who can’t get enough time off from work to look after their children. And good day care is a terrible financial headache. Why isn’t day care free?” she asked abruptly. “It should be. If women are going to have to work, companies should provide access to day care for them. I know of hospitals and some companies that do it for their employees. Why can’t every big company?”
“Good question. It would certainly take a burden off working parents.”
“All the same, if I had kids, I’d want to be with them while they were young. I don’t know if I could give up practice for so long….”
He reined in his horse and caught her bridle, bringing her horse gently around so that they were facing each other at the side. “That’s not the reason. Talk to me,” he said quietly. “What is it?”
She huddled into her jacket. “I hated being a child,” she muttered. “I hated my father and my mother and my life.”
His eyebrows lifted. “Do you think a child would hate me?”
She laughed. “Are you kidding? Children love you. Except that you don’t do stitches as nicely as I do,” she added.
He smiled ruefully. “Thanks for small favors.”
“The secret is the chewing gum I give them afterward.”
“Ah, I see. Trade a few stitches for a few cavities.”
“It’s sugarless gum,” she said smugly.
He searched her face with warm eyes. “Touché.”
He wheeled his horse and led her off down a pasture path to where the big barn was situated several hundred yards away from the house. He explained the setup, and how he’d modernized his small operation.
“I’m not as up-to-date as a lot of ranchers are, and this is peanut scale,” he added. “But I’ve put a lot of work and time into it, and I’m moderately proud of what I’ve accomplished. I have a herd sire who’s mentioned in some of the bigger cattle magazines.”
“I’m impressed. Do I get to see him?”
“Do you want to?”
“You sound surprised. I like animals. When I started out, it was a toss-up between being a doctor and being a vet.”
“What swayed you?”
“I’m not really sure. But I’ve never regretted my choice.”
He swung out of the saddle and waited for her to dismount. He tied the horses to the corral rail and led the way into the big barn.
It was surprisingly sanitary. The walkway was paved, the stalls were spacious with metal gates and fresh hay. The cows were sleek and well fed, and the bull he’d mentioned was beautiful even by bovine standards.
“Why, he’s gorgeous,” she enthused as they stood at the gate and looked at him. He was red-coated, huge, stream lined and apparently docile, because he came up to let Coltrain pet his muzzle.
“How are you, old man?” he murmured affectionately. “Had enough corn, have you?”
“He’s a Santa Gertrudis, isn’t he?” she asked curiously.
His hand stilled on the bull’s nose. “How did you know that?” he asked.
“Ted Regan is one of my patients. He had a breeder’s edition of some magazine with him one day, and he left it behind. I got a good idea of coat colors, at least. We have a lot of cattlemen around here,” she added. “It never hurts to know a little bit about a good bull.”
“Why, Lou,” he mused. “I’m impressed.”
“That’s a first.”
He chuckled. His blue eyes twinkled down at her as he propped one big boot on the low rail of the gate. “No, it’s not. You impressed me the first week you were here. You’ve grown on me.”
“Good heavens, am I a wart?”
He caught a strand of her hair and wound it around his finger. “You’re a wonder,” he corrected, searching her eyes. “I didn’t realize we had so much in common. Funny, isn’t it? We’ve worked together for a year, but I’ve found out more about you in the past two weeks than I ever knew.”
“That goes for me, too.”
She dropped her eyes to his chest, where the faded shirt clung to the hard muscles. She loved the way he stood, the way he walked, the way he looked with that hat tilted rakishly over one eye. She remembered the feel of his warm arms around her and she felt suddenly cold.
Her expressions fascinated him. He watched them change, saw the hunger filter into her face.
She drew a wistful breath and looked up at him with a wan smile.
He frowned. Without understanding why, he held out a lean arm.
She accepted the invitation without question. Her body went against his, pressing close. Her arms went under his and around him, so that her hands could flatten on the muscles of his long back. She closed her eyes and laid her cheek against his chest, and listened to his heart beat.
He was surprised, yet he wasn’t. It felt natural to have Lou in his arms. He drew her closer, in a purely nonsexual way, and absently stroked her hair while he watched his bull eat corn out of the trough in his pen.
“Next week is Christmas,” he said above her head.
“Yes, I know. What do you do for Christmas? Do you go to friends, or invite people over?”
He laughed gently. “I used to have it with Jane, before she married,” he recalled, feeling her stiffen without really thinking much about it. “But last year, since she married, I cooked a TV dinner and watched old movies all day.”
She didn’t answer for a minute. Despite what she’d heard about Coltrain and Jane Parker in the past year, she hadn’t thought that he and Jane had been quite so close. But it seemed that they were. It depressed her more than anything had in recent weeks.
He wasn’t thinking about Christmases past. He was thinking about the upcoming one. His hand explored her hair strand by strand. “Where are we going to have Christmas dinner, and who’s going to cook it?” he asked matter-of-factly.
That was encouraging, that he wanted to spend Christmas with her. She couldn’t refuse, even out of hurt pride. “We could have it at my house,” she offered.
“I’ll help cook it.”
She smiled. “It would be nice to have someone to eat it with,” she confessed.
“I’ll make sure we’re on call Christmas Eve, not Christmas Day,” he promised. His arm slid down her back and drew her closer. He was aware of a kind of contentment he’d never experienced before, a belonging that he hadn’t known even with Jane. Funny, he thought, until Lou came along, it had never occurred to him that he and Jane couldn’t have had a serious relationship even if Todd Burke hadn’t married her.
It was a sobering thought. This woman in his arms had come to mean a lot to him, without his realizing it until he’d kissed her for the first time. He laid his cheek against her head with a long sigh. It was like coming home. He’d been searching all his life for something he’d never found. He was closer to it than he’d ever been right now.
Her arms tightened around his lean waist. She could feel the wall of his chest hard against her breasts, the buckle of his belt biting into her. But it still wasn’t quite close enough. She moved just a little closer, so that her legs brushed his.
He moved to accommodate her, sliding one boot higher on the fence so that she could fit against him more comfortably. But the movement aroused him and he caught his breath shar
ply.
“Sorry,” she murmured and started to step away.
But his hand stayed her hips. “I can’t help that,” he said at her temple, secretly delighted at his headlong physical response to her. “But it isn’t a threat.”
“I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”
He smiled lazily. “I wouldn’t call it that.” He brushed a kiss across her forehead. “Relax,” he whispered. “It’s pretty public here, and I’m sure you know as well as I do that making love in a hay barn is highly unsanitary.”
She laughed at his humor. “Oh, but this barn is very clean.”
“Not that clean,” he murmured dryly. “Besides,” he added, “it’s been a long, dry spell. When I’m not in the market for a companion, I don’t walk around prepared for sweet interludes.”
She lifted her face and searched his mocking eyes demurely. “A long, dry spell? With Nickie prancing around half-naked to get your attention?”
He didn’t laugh, as she expected him to. He traced her pert nose. “I don’t have affairs,” he said. “And I’m the soul of discretion in my private life. There was a widow in a city I won’t name. She and I were good friends, and we supplied each other with something neither of us was comfortable spreading around. She married year before last. Since then, I’ve concentrated on my work and my cattle. Period.”
She was curious. “Can you…well, do it…without love?”
“I was fond of her,” he explained. “She was fond of me. We didn’t have to be in love.”
She moved restlessly.
“It would have to be love, for you, wouldn’t it, Lou?” he asked. “Even desperate desire wouldn’t be enough.” He traced her soft lips with deliberation. “But you and I are an explosive combination. And you do love me.”
She laid her forehead at his collarbone. “Yes,” she admitted. “I love you. But not enough to be your mistress.”
“I know that.”
“Then it’s hopeless.”
He laughed mirthlessly. “Is it? I thought I mentioned that we could get engaged.”
“Engaged isn’t married,” she began.
He put a finger over her lips, and he looked solemn. “I know that. Will you let me finish? We can be engaged until the first of the year, when I can afford to take a little time off for a honeymoon. We could have a New Year’s wedding.”
Chapter 8
“You mean, get married? Us?” she echoed blankly.
He tilted up her chin and searched her dark, troubled eyes. “Sex doesn’t trouble you half as much as marriage does, is that it? Marriage means commitment, and to you, that’s like imprisonment.”
She grimaced. “My parents’ marriage was horrible. I don’t want to become like my mother.”
“So you said.” He traced her cheek. “But I’m not like your father. I don’t drink. Well,” he murmured with a sheepish grin, “maybe just once, and I had justification for that. You were letting Drew hold your hand, when you always jerked back if I touched you at all.”
She was surprised. She smiled. “Was that why?”
He chuckled. “Yes, that was why.”
“Imagine that!”
“Take one day at a time, okay?” he asked. “Let’s rock along for a couple of weeks, and spend Christmas together. Then we’ll talk about this again.”
“All right.”
He bent and kissed her softly. She pressed up against him, but he stepped back.
“None of that,” he said smartly. “We’re going to get to know each other before we let our glands get in the way.”
“Glands!”
“Don’t you remember glands, Doctor?” He moved toward her threateningly. “Let me explain them to you.”
“I think I’ve got the picture,” she said on a laugh. “Keep away, you lecher!”
He laughed, too. He caught her hand and tangled her fingers with his as they walked back to where the horses were tied. He’d never been quite this interested in marriage, even if he’d once had it in the back of his mind when he’d dated Jane. But when he’d had Lou close in his arms, in the barn, he’d wanted it with a maddening desire. It wasn’t purely physical, although she certainly attracted him that way. But despite the way she felt about him, he had a feeling that she’d have to be carefully coaxed down the aisle. She was afraid of everything marriage stood for because of her upbringing. Their marriage wouldn’t be anything like her parents’, but he was going to have to convince her of that first.
They made rounds together the next morning at the hospital, and as usual, Dana was lying in wait for Coltrain.
But this time, he deliberately linked Lou’s hand in his as he smiled at her.
“Good morning,” he said politely.
Dana was faintly startled. “Good morning, doctors,” she said hesitantly, her eyes on their linked hands.
“Lou and I became engaged yesterday,” he said.
Dana’s face paled. She drew a stiff breath and managed the semblance of a smile. “Oh, did you? Well, I suppose I should offer my congratulations!” She laughed. “And I had such high hopes that you and I might regain something of the past.”
“The past is dead,” he said firmly, his blue eyes steady on her face. “I have no inclination whatsoever to revive it.”
Dana laughed uncomfortably. “So I see.” She glanced at Lou’s left hand. “Quite a sudden engagement, was it?” she added slyly. “No ring yet?”
Lou’s hand jerked in his, but he steadied it. “When Lou makes up her mind what sort she wants, I’ll buy her one,” he said lazily. “I’d better get started. Wait for me in the lounge when you finish, sweet,” he told Lou and squeezed her fingers before he let them go.
“I will,” she promised. She smiled at Dana carelessly and went down the hall to begin her own rounds.
Dana followed her. “Well, I hope you fare better than I did,” she muttered. “He’s had the hots for Jane Parker for years. He asked me to marry him because he wanted me and I wouldn’t give in, but even so, I couldn’t compete with dear Jane,” she said bitterly. “Your father was willing, so I indulged in a stupid affair, hoping I might make him jealous. That was the lunatic act of the century!”
“So I heard,” Lou said stiffly, glaring at the other woman.
“I guess you did,” the older woman said with a grimace. “He hated me for it. There’s one man who doesn’t move with the times, and he never forgets a wrong you do him.” Her eyes softened as she looked at Lou’s frozen face. “Your poor mother must have hated me. I know your father did. He was livid that I’d been so careless, and of course, I ruined his chances of staying here. But he didn’t do so bad in Austin.”
Lou had different memories of that. She couldn’t lay it all at Dana’s door, however. She paused at her first patient’s door. “What do you mean about Jane Parker?” she asked solemnly.
“You must have heard by now that she was his first love, his only love, for years. I gave up on him after my fling with your father. I thought it was surely over between them until I came back here. She’s married, you know, but she still sees Copper socially.” Her eyes glittered. “They say he sits and stares at her like an oil painting when they’re anywhere together. You’ll find that out for yourself. I should be jealous, but I don’t think I am. I feel sorry for you, because you’ll always be his second choice, even if he marries you. He may want you, but he’ll never stop loving Jane.”
She walked away, leaving a depressed, worried Lou behind. Dana’s former engagement to Coltrain sounded so much like her own “engagement” with him that it was scary. She knew that he wanted her, but he didn’t show any signs of loving her. Did he still love Jane? If he did, she couldn’t possibly marry him.
Nickie came up the hall when Lou had finished her rounds and was ready to join Coltrain in the lounge.
“Congratulations,” she told Lou with a resigned smile. “I guess I knew I was out of the running when I saw him kiss you in the car park. Good luck. From what I hear, you’ll nee
d it.” She kept walking.
Lou was dejected. It was in her whole look when she went into the doctors’ lounge, where Coltrain had just finished filling out a form at the table near the window. He looked up, frowning.
“What is it?” he asked curtly. “Have Dana and Nickie been giving you a hard time?”
“Not at all,” she said. “I’m just a little tired.” She touched her back and winced, to convince him. “Horseback riding takes some getting used to, doesn’t it?”
He smiled, glad that he’d mistaken soreness for depression. “Yes, it does. We’ll have to do more of it.” He picked up the folder. “Ready to go?”
“Yes.”
He left the form at the nurses’ station, absorbing more congratulations from the nurses, and led Lou out to his Jaguar.
“We’ll take some time off this afternoon for lunch and shop for a ring,” he said.
“But I don’t need…”
“Of course you do,” he said. “We can’t let people think I’m too miserly to buy you an engagement ring!”
“But what if…?”
“Lou, it’s my money,” he declared.
She grimaced. Well, if he wanted to be stuck with a diamond ring when she left town, that was his business. The engagement, as far as she was concerned, was nothing more than an attempt to get his life back on an even keel and discourage Nickie and Dana from hounding him.
She couldn’t forget what had been said about Jane Parker, Jane Burke now, and she was more worried than ever. She knew how entangled he’d been with Jane, all right, because she’d considered her a rival until the day Jane married Todd Burke. Coltrain’s manner even when he spoke to the woman was tender, solicitous, almost reverent.
He’d proposed. But even though he knew Lou loved him, he’d never mentioned feeling anything similar for her. He was playing make-believe. But she wondered what would happen if Jane Burke suddenly became a free woman. It would be a nightmare to live with a man who was ever yearning for someone else, someone he’d loved most of his life. Jane was a habit he apparently couldn’t break. She was married. But could that fact stop him from loving her?
