by Diana Palmer
“I guess it was. I have no illusions about him, you know,” she added with a rueful smile. “He likes kissing me, but he’s not in love with me.”
“Does he know how you feel?”
She nodded. “I don’t hide things well. It would be hard to miss.”
He caught her hand and held it gently. “Lou, isn’t he worth taking a chance on?” he asked. “You could let Jane throw this party for you, because she badly wants to make amends. Then you could talk to Copper and get him to tell you exactly why he wants to marry you. You might be surprised.”
“No, I wouldn’t. I know why he wants to marry me,” she replied. “But I don’t want to get married. I’m crazy about him, that’s the truth, but I’ve seen marriage. I don’t want it.”
“You haven’t seen a good marriage,” he emphasized. “Lou, I had one. I had twelve years of almost ethereal happiness. Marriage is what you make of it.”
“My mother excused every brutal thing my father did,” she said shortly.
“That sort of love isn’t love,” he said quietly. “It’s a form of domination. Don’t you know the difference? If she’d loved your father, she’d have stood up to him and tried to help him stop drinking, stop using drugs.”
She felt as if her eyes had suddenly been opened. She’d never seen her parents’ relationship like that. “But he was terrible to her…”
“Codependence,” he said to her. “You must have studied basic psychology in college. Don’t you remember any of it?”
“Yes, but they were my parents!”
“Your parents, anybody, can be part of a dysfunctional family.” He smiled at her surprise. “Didn’t you know? You grew up in a dysfunctional family, not a normal one. That’s why you have such a hard time accepting the idea of marriage.” He smoothed her hand with his fingers and smiled. “Lou, I had a normal upbringing. I had a mother and father who doted on me, who supported me and encouraged me. I was loved. When I married, it was a good, solid, happy marriage. They are possible, if you love someone and have things in common, and are willing to compromise.”
She studied the wedding ring on Drew’s left hand. He still wore it even after being widowed.
“It’s possible to be happily married?” she asked, entertaining that possibility for the first time.
“Of course.”
“Coltrain doesn’t love me,” she said.
“Make him.”
She laughed. “That’s a joke. He hated me from the beginning. I never knew it was because of my father, until I overheard him talking to you. I was surprised later when he was so cool to Dana, because he’d been bitter about her betrayal. But when I found out how close he was to Jane Burke, I guess I gave up entirely. You can’t fight a ghost, Drew.” She looked up. “And you know it, because no woman will ever be able to come between you and your memories. How would you feel if you found out some woman was crazily in love with you right now?”
He was stunned by the question. “Well, I don’t know. I guess I’d feel sorry for her,” he admitted.
“Which is probably how Coltrain feels about me, and might even explain why he offered to be engaged to me,” she added. “It makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Lou, you don’t propose to people out of pity.”
“Coltrain might. Or out of revenge, to get back at Jane for marrying someone else. Or to get even with Dana.”
“Coltrain isn’t that scatty.”
“Men are unpredictable when they’re in love, aren’t they?” she mused. “I wish he loved me, Drew. I’d marry him, with all my doubts and misgivings, in a minute if I thought there was half a chance that he did. But he doesn’t. I’d know if he did feel that way. Somehow, I’d know.”
He dropped his gaze to their clasped hands. “I’m sorry.”
“Me, too. I’ve been invited to join a practice in Houston. I’m going Monday to speak with them, but they’ve tentatively accepted me.” She lifted her sad face. “I understand that Coltrain is meeting some prospects, too. So I suppose he’s finally taken me at my word that I want to leave.”
“Don’t you know?”
She shrugged. “We don’t speak.”
“I see.” So it was that bad, he thought. Coltrain and Lou had both withdrawn, afraid to take that final step to commitment. She had good reasons, but what were Copper’s? he wondered. Did he really feel pity for Lou and now he was sorry he’d proposed? Or was Lou right, and he was still carrying a torch for Jane?
“Jane is a nice woman,” he said. “You don’t know her, but she isn’t the kind of person who enjoys hurting other people. She feels very unhappy about what she said. She wants to make it up to you. Let her. It will be a nice gesture on your part and on hers.”
“Dr. Coltrain will come,” she muttered.
“He’d better,” he said, “or the gossips will say he’s glad to be rid of you.”
She shook her head. “You can’t win for losing.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. Let Jane give the party. Lou, you’d like her if you got to know her. She’s had a hard time of it since the wreck that took her father’s life. Just being able to walk again at all is a major milestone for her.”
“I remember,” she said. And she did, because Coltrain had been out at the ranch every waking minute looking after the woman.
“Will you do it?”
She took a long breath and let it out. “All right.”
“Great! I’ll call Jane the minute I get home and tell her. You won’t regret it. Lou, I wish you’d hold off about that spot in Houston.”
She shook her head. “No, I won’t do that. I have to get away. A fresh start is what I need most. I’m sure I won’t be missed. After all, Dr. Coltrain didn’t want me in the first place.”
He grimaced, because they both knew her present circumstances were Drew’s fault. Saying again that he meant well wouldn’t do a bit of good.
“Thanks for lunch,” she said, remembering her manners.
“That was my pleasure. You know I’ll be going to Maryland to have Christmas with my in-laws, as usual. So Merry Christmas, if I don’t see you before I leave.”
“You, too, Drew,” she said with genuine affection.
It wasn’t until the next Thursday afternoon that the office closed early for Christmas holidays—if Friday and Monday, added to the weekend, qualified as holidays—that Coltrain came into Lou’s office. Lou had been to Houston and formally applied for a position in the family practitioner group. She’d also been accepted, but she hadn’t been able to tell Coltrain until today, because he’d been so tied up with preholiday surgeries and emergencies.
He looked worn-out, she thought. There were new lines in his lean face, and his eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep. He looked every year of his age.
“You couldn’t just tell me, you had to put it in writing?” he asked, holding up the letter she’d written him.
“It’s legal this way,” she said politely. “I’m very grateful for the start you gave me.”
He didn’t say anything. He looked at the letter from the Houston medical group. It was written on decal-edge bond, very expensive, and the lettering on the letterhead was embossed.
“I know this group,” he said. “They’re high-powered city physicians, and they practice supermarket medicine. Do you realize what that means? You’ll be expected to spend five minutes or less with every patient. A buzzer will sound to alert you when that time is up. As the most junior partner, you’ll get all the dirty jobs, all the odd jobs, and you’ll be expected to stay on call on weekends and holidays for the first year. Or until they can get another partner, more junior than you are.”
“I know. They told me that.” They had. It had depressed her no end.
He folded his arms across his chest and leaned back against the wall, his stethoscope draped around his neck. “We haven’t talked.”
“There’s nothing to say,” she replied, and she smiled kindly. “I notice that Nickie and Dana have
become very businesslike, even to me. I’d say you were over the hump.”
“I asked you to marry me,” he said. “I was under the impression that you’d agreed and that was why we were picking out a ring.”
The memory of that afternoon hurt. She lowered her eyes to the clipboard she held against her breasts. “You said it was to get Nickie and Dana off your back.”
“You didn’t want to get married at all,” he reminded her.
“I still don’t.”
He smiled coldly. “And you’re not in love with me?”
She met his gaze levelly. This was no time to back down. “I was infatuated with you,” she said bluntly. “Perhaps it was because you were out of reach.”
“You wanted me. Explain that.”
“I’m human,” she told him, blushing a little. “You wanted me, too, so don’t look so superior.”
“I hear you’re coming to Jane’s party.”
“Drew talked me into it.” She smoothed her fingers over the cold clipboard. “You and Jane can’t help it,” she said. “I understand.”
“Damn it! You sound just like her husband!”
She was shocked at the violent whip of his deep voice. He was furious, and it showed.
“Everyone knows you were in love with her,” she faltered.
“Yes, I was,” he admitted angrily, and for the first time. “But she’s married now, Lou.”
“I know. I’m sorry,” she said gently. “I really am. It must be terrible for you….”
He threw up his hands. “My God!”
“It’s not as if you could help it, either of you,” she continued sadly.
He just shook his head. “I can’t get through to you, can I?” he asked with a bite in his deep voice. “You won’t listen.”
“There’s really nothing to say,” she told him. “I hope you’ve found someone to replace me when I go.”
“Yes, I have. He’s a recent graduate of Johns Hopkins. He wanted to do some rural practice before he made up his mind where he wanted to settle.” He gazed at her wan face. “He starts January 2.”
She nodded. “That’s when I start, in Houston.” She tugged the clipboard closer.
“We could spend Christmas together,” he suggested.
She shook her head. She didn’t speak. She knew words would choke her.
His shoulders rose and fell. “As you wish,” he said quietly. “Have a good Christmas, then.”
“Thanks. You, too.”
She knew that she sounded choked. She couldn’t help herself. She’d burned her bridges. She hadn’t meant to. Perhaps she had a death wish. She’d read and studied about people who were basically self-destructive, who destroyed relationships before they could begin, who found ways to sabotage their own success and turn it to failure. Perhaps she’d become such a person, due to her upbringing. Either way, it didn’t matter now. She’d given up Coltrain and was leaving Jacobsville. Now all she had to do was survive Jane’s little going-away party and get out of town.
Coltrain paused in the doorway, turning his head back toward her. His eyes were narrow, curious, assessing. She didn’t look as if the decision she’d made had lifted her spirits any. And the expression on her face wasn’t one of triumph or pleasure.
“If Jane hadn’t turned up in the jewelry store, would you have gone through with it?” he asked abruptly.
Her hands tightened on the clipboard. “I’ll never know.”
He leaned against the doorjamb. “You don’t want to hear this, but I’m going to say it. Jane and I were briefly more than friends. It was mostly on my side. She loves her husband and wants nothing to do with anyone else. Whatever I felt for her is in the past now.”
“I’m glad, for your sake,” she said politely.
“Not for yours?” he asked.
She bit her lower lip, worriedly.
He let his blue gaze fall to her mouth. It lingered there so long that her heart began to race, and she couldn’t quite breathe properly. His gaze lifted then, to catch hers, and she couldn’t break it. Her toes curled inside her sensible shoes, her heart ran wild. She had to fight the urge to go to him, to press close to his lean, fit body and beg him to kiss her blind.
“You think you’re over me?” he drawled softly, so that his voice didn’t carry. “In a pig’s eye, Doctor!”
He pushed away from the door and went on his way, whistling to himself as he went down the corridor to his next patient.
Lou, having given herself away, muttered under her breath and went to read the file on her next patient. But she waited until her hands stopped shaking before she opened the examining room door and went in.
They closed up the office. Coltrain had been called away at the last minute to an emergency at the hospital, which made things easier for Lou. She’d be bound to run into him while she was making her rounds, but that was an occupational hazard, and there would be plenty of other people around. She wouldn’t have to worry about being alone with him. Or so she thought.
When she finished her rounds late in the afternoon, she stopped by the nurses’ station to make sure they’d been able to contact a new patient’s husband, who had been out of town when she was admitted.
“Yes, we found him,” the senior nurse said with a smile. “In fact, he’s on his way over here right now.”
“Thanks,” she said.
“No need. It goes with the job,” she was assured.
She started back down the hall to find Coltrain coming from the emergency room. He looked like a thunder-cloud, all bristling bad temper. His red hair flamed under the corridor lights, and his blue eyes were sparking.
He caught Lou’s arm, turned and drew her along with him without saying a word. People along the corridor noticed and grinned amusedly.
“What in the world are you doing?” she asked breathlessly.
“I want you to tell a—” he bit off the word he wanted to say “—gentleman in the emergency room that I was in the office all morning.”
She gaped at him, but he didn’t stop or even slow down. He dragged her into a cubicle where a big, angry-looking blond man was sitting on the couch having his hand bandaged.
Coltrain let Lou go and nodded curtly toward the other man. “Well, tell him!” He shot the words at Lou.
She gave him a stunned glance, but after a minute, she turned back to the tall man and said, “Dr. Coltrain was in the office all morning. He couldn’t have escaped if he’d wanted to, because we had twice our usual number of patients, anticipating that we’d be out of the office over the holidays.”
The blond man relaxed a little, but he was still glaring at Coltrain when there was a small commotion in the corridor and Jane Burke came in the door, harassed and frightened.
“Todd! Cherry said that you’d had an accident and she had to call an ambulance…!” She grabbed the blond man’s hand and fought tears. “I thought you were killed!”
“Not hardly,” he murmured. He drew her head to his shoulder and held her gently. “Silly woman.” He chuckled. “I’m all right. I slammed the car door on my hand. It isn’t even broken, just cut and bruised.”
Jane looked at Coltrain. “Is that true?”
He nodded, still irritated at Burke.
Jane looked from him to Lou and back to her husband. “Now what’s wrong?” she asked heavily.
Todd just glowered. He didn’t say anything.
“You and I had been meeting secretly this morning at your house, while he and Cherry were away,” Coltrain informed her. “Because the mailman saw a gray Jaguar sitting in your driveway.”
“Yes, he did,” Jane said shortly. “It belongs to the new divisional manager of the company that makes my signature line of leisure wear. She has a gray Jaguar exactly like Copper’s.”
Burke’s hard cheekbones flushed a little.
“That’s why you slammed the door on your hand, right?” she muttered. “Because the mailman is our wrangler’s sister and he couldn’t wait to tell you what your
wife was doing behind your back! He’ll be lucky if I don’t have him for lunch!”
The flush got worse. “Well, I didn’t know!” Todd snapped.
Coltrain slammed his clipboard down hard on the examination couch at Burke’s hip. “That does it, by God,” he began hotly.
He looked threatening and Burke stood up, equally angry.
“Now, Copper,” Jane interrupted. “This isn’t the place.”
Burke didn’t agree, but he’d already made a fool of himself once. He wasn’t going to try for twice. He glanced at Lou, who looked as miserable as he felt. “They broke up your engagement, I understand,” he added. “Pity they didn’t just marry each other to begin with!”
Lou studied his glittery eyes for a moment, oblivious to the other two occupants of the cubicle. It was amazing how quickly things fell into place in her mind, and at once. She leaned against the examination couch. “Dr. Coltrain is the most decent man I know,” she told Todd Burke. “He isn’t the sort to do things in an under-handed way, and he doesn’t sneak around. If you trusted your wife, Mr. Burke, you wouldn’t listen to old gossip or invented tales. Small towns are hotbeds of rumor, that’s normal. But only an idiot believes everything he hears.”
Coltrain’s eyebrows had arched at the unexpected defense.
“Thanks, Lou,” Jane said quietly. “That’s more than I deserve from you, but thank you.” She turned back to her husband. “She’s absolutely right,” Jane told her husband. She was mad, too, and it showed. “I married you because I loved you. I still love you, God knows why! You won’t even listen when I tell you the truth. You’d rather cling to old gossip about Copper and me.”
Lou blushed scarlet, because she could have been accused of the same thing.
She wouldn’t look at Coltrain at all.
“Well, here’s something to take your mind off your foul suspicions,” Jane continued furiously. “I was going to wait to tell you, but you can hear it now. I’m pregnant! And, no, it isn’t Copper’s!”
Burke gasped. “Jane!” He exploded, his injured hand forgotten as he moved forward to pull her hungrily into his arms. “Jane, is it true?”
