She slept very little the rest of the night.
****
She managed to avoid Ian as much as one could in a camp and tent setting. She learned to keep her gaze down and her body parts close to her side. She stayed beside the fire and roamed around very little. What began as an adventure of exploration, and her appreciation for the strangeness of the experience had now turned to dread. She hated every moment of it. The only plus side she enjoyed was when Shane sat there too. Granted, he spent most of his time nipping off the flask he kept tucked in his coat pocket, and rarely did the chores around camp or tended the horses. Ian did most of it and hardly quit moving. He worked with such efficiency and accuracy, that Kailynn only started to notice. She never watched him before or observed anything much about him. But she knew he always worked. He did his work so quietly, you almost didn’t notice he’d done it, until it was magically finished.
He didn’t say much. That was usual, but it became worse than that even. He snapped whenever he answered the few questions Caleb or Shane asked. Shane did all the talking. He entertained Kailynn with stories of his youth and anecdotes about his brothers. He laughed and joked, growing more boisterous as the day got later and he got drunker. He and Caleb seemed to be out there for that reason only. Finally, by the fourth day, she was itching to leave camp and do something. She wanted to explore more of the mountaintops and undiscovered vistas. She wanted to experience the power and isolation that was kind of soul-stirring. She wasn’t a very reflective girl, except when she was out there. The magnificence of everything made her feel a connection to the wildlife and nature, and instigated more wonder about the complicated relationships involved.
She was tired of listening to silly stories, and too afraid of wild animals to go anywhere by herself. Finally, Ian stood right next to her and she glanced up at him. He was sipping from a tin cup with the steam spiraling up. He didn’t glance down at her, not even once. During the last two days, that would have been appreciated, but now, she wanted his attention. She was fidgety and bored. She hated the idea of wasting this incredible spot by talking about one prank, or fight, after another. Shane had lived a lot more than she; no kidding; but it was boring her today.
Her gaze roved over Ian. The man she slept with. Had sex with. Made love to. She should have been comfortable enough to ask him to take her for a walk. She asked her brother, who refused and kept drinking. Shane simply made a face like, why would anyone do that? All the while, she knew if she asked him, Ian would go with her anywhere.
She took in a deep breath, and lifted her hand that was suddenly slick with sweat. She was ridiculous, she knew, but Ian made her so nervous and so self-conscious. His left hand dangled at his side near her. She touched the back of his hand with hers before jerking her fingers back. Why? Why did she physically react so violently to his chemistry? It happened before now. It was supposed to be with Shane, and not this quiet, rigid, sour, and unpredictable man who stood before her.
He glanced down immediately, his eyebrows raised in obvious shock that she acknowledged him, since she hadn’t done so since that day. Kailynn knew most guys wouldn’t have quietly accepted her bitchy attitude and bitter stonewalling of him. But Ian simply gave her more space.
“I kind of wanted to maybe hike up around camp some more.”
“With me?” His tone revealed his utter shock.
She nodded, “Yes. If you don’t mind.”
Setting his cup down, he grabbed his hat, and settled it on his head. “No, I don’t mind.”
That was all it took. One word of what she desired, and he was game. No recriminations for how she’d been treating him. Not even a word about how rude she’d been. She got to her feet and put on some tennis shoes before grabbing some water and her camera. He went first and started up behind the camp. They hiked through the deep woods, following the small stream that meandered down to camp. It soon grew steeper. Ian’s long, obviously well-conditioned legs, ate up the distance, but Kailynn was soon sweating and shedding clothes, right down to her t-shirt. She downed the water she carried and kept her camera ready, shooting pictures of the little waterfalls, and where the stream completely disappeared underground. The unending variety of underbrush had all turned yellow, purple, and burgundy. Autumn seemed to happen sooner here, than later. He paused whenever she stopped to take photos or rest. He was quite companionable, and completely let her determine their pace.
Finally, after an hour of vertical hiking, her legs were burning. They reached a rock slide that was nearly straight up to climb. She thought she’d have a heart attack if they attempted it. She was nearly on all fours by the time they got above the tree line. When she finally flopped over and took in the view, she gasped. Standing up, she nearly threw her arms out as she did a three-hundred-and-sixty spin. The sensation of complete freedom swept through her and she felt absolutely stunned. She pretended to be on top of the entire world. Never in her dismal life had she ever been touched by such a feeling. From one mountain peak to the next, she saw myriad trees turning all kinds of autumn colors, imbuing the endless expanse of wilderness with the most stunning views.
“This is incredible.” She nearly clapped her hands as she eagerly started snapping more pictures. She could feel Ian’s eyes on her, and not on the view. She was acting like a little kid, getting a new birthday present. But this was like the greatest present she ever received. She felt different here, far removed from her usual apathy, and it was unlike any feeling she’d ever had.
“Here, let me take one of you.”
She handed Ian the camera and he took several shots of her. After making Caleb help her wash her hair yesterday, by heating pots of water and washing it over the bushes, she looked kind of respectable. But her face hadn’t seen a speck of makeup and she had no hair dryer. She was as natural as she could look. He returned her camera to her after he clicked a few pictures of her. She had to step closer and their hands touched together as she reached for it. He didn’t let go, and neither did she. She wanted to dive into that deep, intense gaze of his, but she couldn’t figure out what he was thinking.
She got embarrassed by the lengthy moment and quickly stepped back. Sitting down as if she were just resting and enjoying the ambiance, her heart was nearly quaking.
He finally stepped closer and sat down next to her. She didn’t glance at him, but picked up some loose rocks and threw them downhill. She owed him something. Days had passed since they had sex, and only today, could she even look at him.
“Ian…” she started before her voice faded. He tensed next to her, but she continued, “I’m… sorry. I handled this all wrong. I’m—” She stared down at her hands and started twisting the silver ring she wore on her index finger.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” he asked when her voice trailed off in her usual lame reluctance to face anything. Okay, right to it. She hunched her shoulders and simply stared at her shoes.
“I wasn’t planning on things getting to a point where it mattered to tell you.”
He shifted his long legs out in front of him, and snorted. “Yeah, I picked up on that.” Strangely, he wasn’t embarrassed. Unlike her, he had no problem looking into her eyes. Always so quiet and unassuming, Ian was just kind of there, never one to interfere in any situation. She naturally pictured him being reserved and even shy about sex. She’d never seen him with a girlfriend, so she assumed he wouldn’t know how to act around one. She never imagined he could be so fine, when she was not.
“It’s just… embarrassing. I guess I acted like it was a big deal for nothing.”
“It is a big deal. It shouldn’t have happened like that. If I’d had any idea it was your first time, it wouldn’t have.”
What? Sex with her? Or her first time? “It makes that much of a difference?”
The side of his mouth lifted. “In enjoyment for you? I’m gonna guess so.”
“You didn’t… enjoy it?” Obviously, she should not have been having sex if she couldn’t even talk abou
t it like an adult. Enjoyment? That’s why he had sex with her? For enjoyment? Her cheeks burned. With very few real beliefs or passions in her rather mundane life, waiting to have sex until she was married was the one goal Kailynn hoped to achieve. Her moral compass was permanently etched from the years her mother insisted that she and her brothers go to church. Kailynn wasn’t exactly devoted to her piety, but she really intended to live up to that. And, without even a second thought, the one time she gets turned on, she throws out a lifetime of ideals and plans. Waiting for her one true love. The man she hoped would lift her out of drudgery, and give her a life she could enjoy.
“Did I enjoy it? Come on, Kailynn, I don’t think my reaction to what happened is the problem. Yours is. It’s just not how it should have gone down for you.”
“I don’t know how to react.”
He nodded and his shoulder slumped forward as he raised his knees and wrapped his arms around them. “Yeah. Even emotionally crippled me managed to pick up on that.”
“I never said you were emotionally crippled.”
He tilted his head just enough she could see only the side of his face. “You think it though, and much more. So… why did you let me do it?”
“I didn’t.” He stiffened, so she hurried to continue, “I mean I did let you. I just wasn’t thinking about it. I just kind of did it and then…”
He nodded. “So why did you wait? I really didn’t expect that.”
She lifted her face to the sun and closed her eyes. It felt so cleansing and peaceful. She liked the pleasance of their solitude, which seemed to sink into her bones and make her feel relaxed. It seemed like they were the only two people on the planet. She snapped her eyes open. This was how it started at the lake. She’d grown much more comfortable talking to him. Kind of even liked it, and then…
“I just never wanted to before.”
He didn’t answer and she felt like he was trying to figure something out. Finally, he replied, “You’ve had a lot of boyfriends.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean I have to want to sleep with any of them.”
“No. I guess not. I just thought at some point... well, what about Drew?”
“Drew tried to make me do things I didn’t want to. I never liked what we did.”
Birds twittered and a breeze softly twirled the tall grasses that somehow sprang from the rock pile they were sitting on. “Did you like what we did?”
“I think so.”
“You just think so?”
“I don’t know. Yes. But some parts were… weird.” She flipped her hair over her shoulder and tugged it behind her ear. Oh dear God! That was impossible to talk about.
He half laughed, and half choked. “Never been told that before. But I guess it’s better than Drew fared. At least, I didn’t get bitten.”
She didn’t look up, but a smile filled her face. “You didn’t make me cry, either.”
“I did. It was on me to make it a little less horrible for you. I mean, you were new to it all. I should have said something before we got back to camp. I just thought we’d have all week. I didn’t expect Shane and Caleb to be sitting there. I thought you needed some space. I was trying to make it easier on you. And then, they were already there; and I thought you were going to pass out when I even looked at you. So I tried to stay out of your way.”
“I’m a bitch.”
“Not exactly how I’d describe you.” His tone was gentler.
“I’m not sure how to deal with this.”
“I know. I really don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t.”
“Then why did you cry?”
“Because I intended to wait until my wedding night.”
Silence followed her declaration before he cleared his throat. “Oh. Well, shit, then this was really big to you.”
“Yes.” Her answer was barely audible. “Nothing’s ever been special about me, or my life. I wanted that to be.”
“Everything about you is special. You think I just came onto you because I was bored that afternoon?”
She shrugged. “In my experience, and from listening to our brothers discuss it, that would be more like the normal than any other reason. I was crying because I failed myself, and I can’t even articulate why I did it.”
“Probably because we have chemistry. It surprised even me how much. It must have been confusing for you.”
Confusing? That was putting it mildly. She thought she was in love with his brother. Until the moment Ian’s lips touched hers, she never once contemplated kissing him. She never even thought much of anything about him, other than that he was just another man she knew.
After several moments of silence, Ian leaned closer, reaching his hand behind her neck and pulling her forward. His lips touched hers before she could articulate another thought. And the moment their lips met, she lost the will to pull away from him. Despite knowing that all this would only make her more miserable in his company, she could not resist him. But oh, dear God, those feelings were again stirring in her stomach and she started to ache between her legs. Until that Monday afternoon, she never once ached there. She just assumed she was asexual. When other girls giggled about touching themselves, she kind of cringed and turned her nose up. Yuck. Why would anyone do that? But now, if this ache was what they were feeling, now she could really understand doing it. And she certainly never expected the reticent, sometimes downright grim Ian Rydell to boldly start kissing her again.
When he pulled away, she stretched her neck forward as if begging him to come back. She opened her eyes to find his pale eyes on her. Gulping, she tried to think of something clever and sexy to say.
His thumbs brushed over her lips as he cupped her face. “I know you’re confused right now. I’m sorry about that. But I’m not sorry this happened. I hope you’re not sorry either.”
Her heart felt like it swelled in her chest. No one said words like that to her. She didn’t know how to reply. All she could think to say was, “Thank you for bringing me up here. I’ve never been to any place like this.”
“You’re welcome. Maybe you can even enjoy it long enough to make eye contact with me once in a while?”
She smiled a shy, slight upturn with her lips. “I’ll try; but I can’t guarantee it.”
Ian nodded, “Right, because it’s so confusing?”
“You can’t even imagine how confusing,” she muttered.
He smiled as he jumped to his feet. Putting his hand out, he took hers to pull her up so she was standing next to him. Only then did he stare right into her eyes. “Just so you know, this isn’t over.”
He turned and started down the rock slide. She gulped and didn’t answer. She scanned the horizon one more time, feeling her heart lifting. Was it the promise of his words? Or the mystical place where he brought her? It was so beautiful and held untold significance in her life, yet she didn’t know exactly why. Somehow, the former sense of defeat and disappointment she was harboring seemed to vanish. Nothing had been resolved, however.
Other than her toes curled up when she thought about Ian kissing her.
****
When they were ready to leave, it started to rain. Everything got soaked as they started to pack it up, and was soon saturated. It got very cold. This time, however, Kailynn didn’t have to do much. The guys hoisted the stuff around like it was no heavier than pop cans. Ian saddled her horse and got him packed and ready. He had it done before she started to pay attention when he did so. He wore a long, black duster over his jeans and boots. At the last minute, he put his gun and holster on as well as his hat and the heavy rain dripped over the brim. He gave her a small smile and raised his eyebrows as if to say, “Isn’t this fun?” They began the journey home at noon. It wasn’t the fun ride she had coming in. It was much faster, thanks to the added horsemen. She was in the very back with a direct view of Ian. He looked so much like the stereotypical cowboy, she soon became much too aware of him. He looked sexy. She scanned her memories and couldn�
�t remember ever noticing how sexy he was. His command over all of them, and the gear, and the horses was comparable to a general entering battle. Even the gun made him more bad-ass and western. She squirmed when her thoughts kept drifting to the sight of him on top of her. Touching her. Going inside her… then she’d blush furiously. She wasn’t ready to handle such strong feelings.
She felt very different about Ian than she did on the way in.
Finally, they reached the trailhead and she nearly cried out in triumphant joy. This time, her brother and Shane were uncharacteristically helpful and moved fast. They were miserably wet too. Kailynn looked and felt like a drowned cat. Her hair flopped heavily down her back and her coat was the only part of her that stayed dry.
All the gear was stowed, and the horses were loaded onto the trailer until everything was finally done. Shane and Caleb jumped into Shane’s truck. Caleb waved Kailynn over to hurry up. Ian was standing at her left, putting the last rope inside the tack room. He glanced up at her from around the door. His face was blank, the same kind of remote expression she most often saw on him. She swallowed as she started to pass him.
Say something. Something more needed to be said, or done, or clarified. They had sex, for God’s sake! She felt like an entirely changed person and… what? She would just pass by him like it meant nothing? Like it was over? Done? Was she already back to her pathetic, boring life? “Goodbye, Ian. Thank you for everything you did for me.”
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 16
