by Jody Hedlund
I twisted my spoon above my bowl of thick Bukkenade soup. I ought to let him eat in peace. He was likely famished after the day of jousting. But a whisper in the back of my mind reminded me that I had no time to wait, that the month was already half over, and that if I wasn’t more forthright, I might very well forfeit this beautiful thing I was beginning to feel.
And it was indeed beautiful.
I glanced sideways, as subtly as possible, at Derrick. The outline of his strong features alone was enough to warm my stomach in a sweet but aching way. I couldn’t let his reticence or my own shyness stop me from exploring the feelings further, could I?
With a resolute breath, I turned in my chair and faced him. “Have you been friends with Sir Collin and Sir Bennet for a long time?”
He swallowed his bite of food. “We’ve known each other forever — or at least since the day we all arrived at Rivenshire to begin our training.”
“Ah, then you were pages together?” I smiled at the picture I conjured of the three as little boys running around, wrestling together, and swinging their blunt swords in practice. I could imagine they were handsome even as wild urchins.
He grinned as if he too were remembering them together as boys. “We were quite the handful.”
“The duke was daring to take you all under his care at one time.”
Derrick’s smile faded. “I don’t know what would have become of me, if not for him.”
I couldn’t keep from thinking back to the rumors I’d heard about him that afternoon. My own mood sobered. “Is it true then that your family was murdered?”
My question was a gentle whisper, but his gaze jumped to mine as though I’d slapped him.
“I’m sorry.” Without thinking, I lightly touched his arm. His muscles rippled beneath my fingers. “The question is much too personal. I shouldn’t have asked it. Please forgive me.”
On the opposite side of Derrick, the abbot paused his eating at the sight of my contact with the knight. I quickly withdrew. I expected the abbot’s rebuke and was relieved when he glanced away without a word.
For a long moment, Derrick stared darkly at the pork on the tip of his knife. Had I ruined my opportunity to talk to him? Would he despise me now for probing into his past?
“There’s nothing to forgive, my lady,” he finally said. The depths of his eyes were haunted. But he leaned in and dropped his voice. “Yes. My family was murdered. But it was completely unnecessary.”
I had to bend closer to hear him.
“When my father’s enemy surrounded the castle, instead of attempting to withstand the siege or go out onto the field to fight against his enemy with courage, my father decided to surrender.” The lines in Derrick’s face were drawn tightly, and his jaw flexed. “If my father had been braver,” he whispered hoarsely, “he could have saved his family and his lands.”
A siege against a castle was never easy to resist. Even with the best-laid stores of food and deep wells inside the inner bailey, most sieges ended in disaster for the castle under attack. Surely Derrick knew that. “Perhaps your father only sought a peaceful end.”
“He should have known his enemy wouldn’t be satisfied unless blood was shed.”
“The rules of engagement allow for surrender under a white flag —”
“It didn’t matter. Even with the white flag flying, my father was forced to watch the enemy chop off the heads of my mother and two little sisters . . .”
“No . . .”
His eyes were dark pits of pain. “He displayed them on spikes on the drawbridge, where he then proceeded to torture my father to death.”
I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat. “And how did you escape?”
“My nursemaid disguised me as her child. After several weeks of harrowing travel and evasion, she delivered me to the Duke of Rivenshire.”
“Oh, sir, I feel your pain,” I whispered, uncaring that my head was almost touching his.
Shadows flickered across his face as if he fought the demons of his past. His breathing was labored. Was he reliving the nightmare? I reached out and squeezed his hand atop the table. I tried to ignore that my guests were witnessing the intimate gesture. The urge to offer Derrick a measure of comfort was too strong to resist.
He stared at my fingers upon his hand. A war waged across his features, and I was afraid he would pull away, that he would retreat into himself and resist my comfort.
But after a long moment, he flipped his hand over and surprised me by capturing my fingers. He laced his fingers through mine, enveloping me with his strength. His weathered skin contrasted against my paleness, and the warmth made my chest hitch.
“Thank you for your kindness, my lady,” he whispered.
“I shouldn’t have made you relive such things.”
“And I shouldn’t have shared such gruesome details at dinner.”
I had seen much worse the day I’d encountered the rat cages, but I didn’t want to bring up my inner demons now as well.
He stared at our fingers laced together. “At least now you can understand why I’m a knight without family honor.”
“It doesn’t matter —”
“It does to me.”
He was shutting me out of his life again. And I couldn’t let that happen. “But your father only did what he thought was safest for your family —”
“He gave way to fear,” Derrick said sadly. “And in the end, his lack of courage cost him everything.”
“Courage can be displayed in many forms, my lord,” I said gently. “Sometimes it’s evident in the knight charging forward with the lance on his steed. But perhaps it can also take the form of a head bowed before the enemy.”
Derrick didn’t say anything for an eternal moment. When he finally lifted his head, the gray of his eyes had lightened considerably. “And perhaps it takes courage to face the unknown rather than to run and hide from it.”
I knew he was referring to me. I’d put aside the safe course in my life. I’d braved my doubts and taken the chance at finding true love.
Had I found it?
I examined his face, the strong, handsome lines, the layer of scruff that lent him a rough edge, and the steel of his eyes. I couldn’t deny that I found him attractive. And being near him always did strange things to my insides. But what else did I like about him? Was there something more that set him apart from Sir Collin and Sir Bennet?
The abbot cleared his throat loudly and frowned directly at Derrick’s hold on my hand.
Rapidly, I tugged free, only to earn a grin from Derrick.
“I suppose it’s a good thing we have such devoted chaperones.” His gaze skimmed my lips. His voice was so low that no one else around could hear it. “If not for the abbot watching every move I make, I would most certainly claim that prize you owe me.”
I felt my blood rise to my face, and I focused on my trencher and the untouched food.
I’d never kissed a man before. And although the thought of Derrick pulling me close and pressing his lips against mine sent a welcome shiver through me, I also knew I must be careful. I didn’t want to lead him on to believe I cared about him — unless I truly did. For all his whispers and hints about kissing me, he was much too honorable to casually do so.
Nevertheless, his words did speak of his desire. And even though he’d denied his willingness to win my heart, he couldn’t deny that he was interested in me and found me attractive, could he?
If I proved to him that his past didn’t matter, would he be willing to let these new feelings between us develop and grow?
Throughout dinner, I did my best to engage Derrick in further conversation. I discovered that he was easy to talk with, that he shared openly on a variety of topics, and that he sought my opinions on matters too. When other noblemen came past the head table to congratulate him on his win and his place of honor, he conversed with them with ease and authority. He included me in the discussion of the strange outbreaks of fever and the increasing numb
er of poor who were dying. We were all thankful that, so far, the illness in town hadn’t spread.
I could see he was knowledgeable and that the men respected him. And after listening to him, I couldn’t help but give him my own respect.
As the play-actors put on their stage production, I could feel his gaze on me more than on the play. And when I turned to smile at him, his eyes lit with appreciation, as if he respected me too.
Afterward, when the sky was streaked with pinks and purples and the stars were beginning to make their faint appearances, he leaned close. “It’s been a very fine evening. With you.”
Underneath the cover of the table, he reached for my hand in my lap. Without breaking eye contact, he laced his fingers together with mine. I didn’t resist.
He glanced at the abbot, who was in a deep conversation with the nobleman next to him, then offered me a secretive smile. I returned it, suddenly happier than I could remember having ever been in my life. Was this what love felt like?
Had I fallen in love with Derrick?
I sucked in a quick breath at the thought. His eyes darkened, almost as if he’d read my question. But I glanced away, too confused to let him see the truth in my eyes — a truth I wasn’t sure I was ready to admit.
“I see you’ve monopolized Lady Rosemarie’s attention all evening,” came Sir Collin’s voice from down the table. Even though he laughed, there was the hint of challenge in his words.
Sir Bennet nodded at Derrick with the same brooding glower he’d had earlier. “Sir Collin and I were just saying that since you’ve had Lady Rosemarie to yourself all evening, each of us deserves the same chance on the morrow.”
Derrick stiffened. His fingers tightened against mine almost possessively.
“The duke has agreed,” Sir Collin said. “I shall have the chance to spend the morning with Lady Rosemarie. And Bennet will have her undivided attention all afternoon. ’Tis only fair, is it not?”
I couldn’t deny Sir Collin’s rationalization. But it didn’t stop me from wishing I could spend the entire day with Derrick instead.
Derrick hesitated answering, and when he pulled my hand closer to him under the table, my heart did a fast twirl. Had he changed his mind about sitting back and letting his friends win me? Was he going to fight for me after all?
The muscles in his face tightened before he forced a smile at Sir Collin, one that was decidedly cool. “If the duke has agreed to the plans, then who am I to stop him?”
I wanted to reassure Derrick that I’d rather spend the day with him, but I refrained. Perhaps I needed another opportunity to be with both Sir Collin and Sir Bennet, to test my feelings. They were good men too. And I couldn’t dismiss their affection without giving them at least one more chance.
An outing with each of them would surely help ease my confusion.
The minstrel’s tune mingled with the laughter of the guests. In the distance came the music and dancing of my townspeople, who were now enjoying the leftovers of the feast.
Derrick released my hand and pushed away from the table. His expression had turned as dark as the deepening twilight.
I wanted to whisper to Derrick that he had nothing to worry about, that he’d already won my heart. But the words stuck in my throat. He deserved much more than my platitudes. I couldn’t lead him on in any way. I couldn’t tell him those words until I knew for certain they were true.
Surely after tomorrow, after more time in the presence of the other two men, I would know. And then I would be able to decide who was the right man for me.
Chapter
17
The next morning, Sir Collin held an archery contest in my honor. I quickly realized he was as skilled with the bow and arrow as Derrick was with a lance and halberd. Although I was impressed by the display of his skill, I found that the contest was not nearly as exciting as the jousting tournament the previous day.
When Sir Collin stood behind me and put his hands on mine to give me tips on archery skills, I found that his touch failed to elicit the same reaction Derrick’s had the previous evening when he’d held my hand. I also had been unable to keep my attention from drifting to the sidelines, where Derrick stood. My heart had pattered faster at the glimpse of jealousy that had clouded his face when Sir Collin had touched me.
I wasn’t too disappointed when Sir Collin’s tent collapsed on him in between events. And although I was concerned about the deep gash he suffered on his head when he’d been hit with one of the poles, I was secretly relieved I didn’t have to pretend to be having a good time any longer.
During the afternoon with Sir Bennet, I was distracted as well. After demonstrating his superior skill with the long sword in a mock fight with one of his squires, he then took me riding. During the leisurely outing, he quoted beautiful poetry to me. But all the while he spoke the verses, I had thoughts of what it might be like if Derrick were the one bestowing the eloquent lines upon me.
Halfway through our ride, Sir Bennet’s horse lost a shoe and tossed him from his saddle. A bruise the size of an egg began to form above his eye, so we made our way back to the castle grounds so his servants could attend him.
Even though I fretted over Sir Collin’s and Sir Bennet’s injuries, I released a happy sigh when the events were finally over. But soon after I changed from my riding outfit, the abbot informed me he believed the mishaps could be part of the murderer’s scheme and had thus called in the sheriff to investigate further. Although I wanted to believe the harm to both knights had been coincidental, I couldn’t deny that something more seemed amiss.
It didn’t help matters that the sheriff singled Derrick out for questioning. I was concerned that perhaps the sheriff would frustrate Derrick. After all, Derrick hadn’t endeared himself to the sheriff by breaking into the man’s estate. I chose to put my worries aside, however, when I received a note from Derrick later saying that he’d finally planned his special day with me for the morrow, and although he couldn’t tell me what the day would entail, he promised it would be special.
I awoke the next morning with an excitement that thrummed through my pulse. I would get to spend an entire day with Derrick, and I couldn’t think of anything more I wanted to do.
“How do I know when I’m in love?” I asked Trudy, who was finishing pinning my veil in place over my braided hair.
“In love?” My nursemaid clucked her tongue and then stepped back to stare at me in the looking glass. “Are you in love with one of the knights, then?”
“I don’t know.” I absently tugged on the edge of the veil. “I think I might be, but how do I know for sure?”
“My lady, I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been in love myself. But surely if you feel it, then it must be so.”
“Is it just a feeling?”
Trudy pursed her lips at the turn of the conversation. She was silent for a moment as she fidgeted with the laces of my bodice. “Heavens, moon, and stars above, I do wish your mother was here to answer your questions. She would know exactly what to tell you. I, on the other hand, know nothing about love.”
“But my parents were deeply in love, weren’t they?” I thought back to the last hunting party I’d gone on with them, the final time I’d seen them together. I could still picture the way they’d held hands when they’d ridden their horses side by side, their fingers laced much the same way Derrick had laced his with mine.
Trudy paused and stared into space as if looking back into the past. A smile hovered on her lips. “They were indeed in love, my lady. The thing I remember most about them was that they truly enjoyed spending time together.”
“What did they like to do?”
“Riding, taking long walks, and reading together in front of the fire.” Her smile widened. “And if they disappeared, I always knew I could find them up on the turret, looking at the stars.”
I warmed at the thought of my parents snuggled together at the top of the tower, stargazing.
“They were always talking, discussing histo
ry or other important matters,” Trudy continued. “And whenever your mother talked, your father listened and respected her opinions.”
The way Derrick had included me in his discussions.
“They were there for each other during the difficult times too.” Trudy’s smile turned sad. “I’ve seen difficulties rip other families apart. But not them. Somehow they each had the inner strength the other lacked. They could provide what the other needed.”
Did Derrick have what I lacked? And likewise? Could my strengths hold him up in his weakness?
“As I said, I’m no expert in love, my lady.” Trudy turned to me and cupped my cheeks. “I don’t know if what you’re feeling is true love. But I do see that you’re happier now than you’ve been in a very long time.”
I could only nod in agreement. I was happier. I felt more alive than I ever had before.
“Then you don’t think it would be wrong for me to get married instead of entering the convent?” There was still part of me that wondered if God would be displeased if I chose to pursue the love of a man.
“Oh, Rose.” Trudy patted my cheek. “Even though I’m still tempted to carry you off to the convent for your safe-keeping, I can’t deny you this chance to experience what your mother did.”
I’d once resigned myself to the safety, peace, and quiet of the convent. But after the past two weeks of companionship, I again had to ask myself: Could I be satisfied with solitude the rest of my life? How would I be able to face the loneliness after having experienced the joy of relationships?
“If one of those knights has made you happy, then you have two weeks left to discover if it’s love.”
“Ten days.”
Trudy chuckled and then turned to pick up a scarf from the floor. I smiled, and my entire body felt invigorated. If I spent not just today, but the next ten days with Derrick, I would surely learn if I loved him enough to marry him.
What excuse might I offer so that I could spend every minute with him the rest of the month?
When I finally made my way outside onto the upper landing, I was breathless with anticipation. Even though it was still morning, the sunshine was warm and held the promise of a glorious summer day. Derrick was holding the reins of both his horse and mine while conversing with a servant who was seated on a cart near the stables.
