by Vivian Arend
Daniel led them to his truck, and Beth ended up hip to hip at his side, hot air blowing hard over the three of them as they shared the bench seat. “That was a lot of fun. Thanks for inviting me, Jaxi.”
Jaxi leaned back, head resting on the window. “Yup, no problem. The girls are sweet, and I love doing stuff with them. Hopefully they’ll be able to stay in the area.”
“Why would they leave?”
Daniel answered first. “Tamara’s got her nursing degree and the apartment in town, but Karen and their little sister Lisa are interested in working the land. It isn’t easy to convince their dad that they can deal with doing ‘a man’s job’.” He shrugged, his hands firm on the wheel as he took them back over the slippery roads. “I don’t agree with Uncle George, especially since Karen is one of the best horse women I’ve ever seen. But…tradition.”
Jaxi’s eyes were closed. “Tradition sucks.”
“I’m not arguing with you, Jaxi. Just telling how it is.”
Beth rested her hand on Daniel’s thigh and let his heat warm her fingers. They were all quiet for the rest of the trip, Daniel driving Jaxi right up to the guest cabin. Blake was there immediately, coming from the main house to wrap an arm around her.
“I’m hitting the sack—this being pregnant is wiping me out. Night, Beth. Daniel, thanks for the ride.”
They waved her off and Daniel backed up carefully. “You too tired for a short walk? You’re dressed for the weather—I thought we could walk the trail back to the Peter’s house—leave my truck here.”
Beth smiled. “A walk would clear a few cobwebs before I try to sleep. The babysitter is—”
“Shoot, I forgot about her.” He changed route and headed down the main drive and around to her front door. “Change of plans. We’ll still go for a walk, but this way I can drive Sandy home, okay?”
Beth took a deep breath of the cold air, the slight tinge of wood smoke from the fireplaces bouncing on her tongue and making her senses come to life. She tucked her glove-covered hand into the crook of his elbow, and they stepped along the well-packed trail. Her boys didn’t give fresh snow any time to accumulate without racing through and marking it up with toboggans and miniature snowshoes.
They were nearly halfway around the loop before she realized she hadn’t said a word. “Sorry, I’m not being very good company, am I?”
Daniel tugged his arm in closer and squeezed her fingers. “Figured you had something on your mind. I don’t need to be filling the air with noise to enjoy your company. But if there’s something you want to talk about, I’m here.”
Beth stopped to stare over the snow-covered field. The moon shone down, creating a narrow strip of glimmer in the midst of the powdery white. “I had a good time tonight.”
Daniel stepped behind and wrapped his strong arms around her, tugging her to his body until she was surrounded. Protected. “Why does that sound as if you’re trying to convince yourself?”
“No, I did have fun. Just…made me think all kinds of things. Sort of one thought led to another, and my brain is so full right now I’m not sure if I’m coming or going.”
He hmmed, but other than that, simply waited.
She was telling the truth. She’d enjoyed the outing—but it stood in such sharp contrast to what her life had been like before, the comparison hurt. The memories ached.
“I haven’t had a lot of girlfriends. Getting out for a night alone…rarely happened. I enjoyed myself, and yet the pleasure of it made me sad that I missed time and friendships over the past years.”
She tried to say it plain and simple. No blame, because there wasn’t a place to put blame anymore.
Daniel turned her to face him. “I can see that. It’s almost a teeter-totter, or as if you’ve been given something and then had it taken away. You didn’t know how much you’d miss it because you’d never experienced it.”
Beth sighed. “You’re a wise man, Daniel.”
He shook his head. “Not really. Just, well, it’s nothing like what you’ve dealt with, but I know…”
This time when he paused, Beth was the one to touch his chest and get his attention back from where she’d lost him. “What’s going on in your head?”
He spoke slowly. “I don’t know that it’s the time for that talk. You warm enough?”
“Tons warm.” She rested her head on his chest and synchronized her breathing with his. “Daniel, am I a terrible person for being a tiny bit jealous that Jaxi’s pregnant?”
He sucked in a quick gasp. If she hadn’t been touching him so intimately, she probably wouldn’t have noticed. “I don’t think you could do anything that would make you terrible.”
Beth clung to her inner fears, refusing to voice them. She might have said they were going to open up more, and she was trying. Even the confession she’d just made was hard enough.
Other secrets were staying buried and dead.
“I am jealous. Just a little bit of me.”
“Doesn’t make you a terrible person. You got your reasons, and that’s facts and life. If you want to know…” He let out a long slow breath. “I understand, maybe not for the same reasons, but I’m a bit jealous myself.”
“You are?”
He cupped her face, his glove warming quickly against her skin. “Well, not that I want morning sickness and a big enough belly I can’t see my toes, no. Maybe I should have said I’m jealous of my brother, but that could sound as if I wish I’d knocked up Jaxi, and that’s not it either.”
He was trying to reduce the stress, she understood where his lighthearted words came from. A laugh escaped in spite of the burning inside. “I can’t have any more babies.”
His smile vanished. “Damn, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been joking around. I—”
She covered his mouth with her hand. “You didn’t know, and I get it. But I wanted you to know. It’s awkward, but it’s a part of my life. I had a miscarriage after Robbie. It was bad, and I…”
Her throat choked up tight.
He squeezed her again, pushing out the pain and allowing her to hide her face. Or was it for his own sake? She wondered a moment later when he spoke toward her ear, his face buried against her neck. “I can’t have kids, I mean, not get anyone pregnant. Caught the mumps last winter and it did a number on my system.”
The pain inside intensified, but now it was for his sake, not her own. “God, Daniel. I’m so sorry.”
She’d thought there was no way a man could possibly understand—but she’d been wrong. It was there in his touch, the tender way he surrounded her as if guarding her from more harm. Sharing his own hidden hurts, his unanswerable desires. She held his head against her, breathing in the same air. The warmth from his lungs heated it, leaving only a slight bite of the icy weather around them to bring in refreshing cold.
They stood for the longest time. Snow slid off branches, landing with plops beside them. Beth sighed then leaned back even as his arms held her cradled against his body.
For today, she thought they’d both had enough sharing. “Well, that was a shining way to end the day.”
He laughed, a low rumble filled with sympathy and caring. “Oh, Miss Beth. Don’t you apologize for letting me in on one of your secrets. One of your precious memories and hurts. I’m so honoured right now you trusted me.”
Trust. It was coming. “Me too. Thank you for letting me know.”
Daniel stroked a finger down her cheek, brushing away a tear she didn’t realize had fallen. “Life goes on.”
That truth contained both pain and hope. “It does seem strange to be so happy for someone and still have this ball of hurt wrapped up inside.”
“And there’s not much a person can say to make it easier. Well-intended platitudes cut like a knife.”
She nodded then shivered, unable to stop it from showing.
“That’s our signal it’s time to head in.” He put a hand on her back, ready to aim her down the path to the house.
“Wait.”
Chapter Fifteen
The dishwater swirled down the drain. The constant yattering of the boys as they dried the dishes and wiped the table felt comfortable, and Daniel spotted the silly grin he wore in the hall mirror as he scooped up the littlest one and tickled him en route to the living room.
“Okay, partners, your mama will be home in a couple hours, so let’s make sure we’ve got everything shipshape. Lance, you got the list?”
“We’ve done it all.” He held out the paper and pointed. “Homework, supper, dishes, chores.”
“Everything?”
Lance nodded. Robbie squirmed out of his arms and climbed on the couch, bouncing up and down excitedly. “We get to play more games.”
Chaos ensued. Beth was due back from her teachers’ development field trip by nine. Daniel had been honoured when she asked him if he wanted to step in and take the boys for the day. Her placing that kind of trust in him was humbling and made him feel very hopeful about the future. Yet after a full day with all three tykes, he was ready to admit he was exhausted. “Where do you kids get your energy from?”
They’d played hide and seek outdoors in the snow and the trees. Nathan discovered one of the cats had a new batch of kittens, the family hidden in the far recesses of the barn. Throughout the day, while helping the boys make forts in the bales of the loft and chasing the rest of the barn cats in circles, Daniel had flashbacks to his own childhood. Roaming the countryside with his brothers like a wild creature during the hours of freedom between chores.
Robbie leapt off the couch and tackled him. Then all three boys were on him, wrestling him down and tickling him as he laughed out loud at their antics.
The roughhousing calmed eventually, and Daniel guided them into playing a few final board games. He lit the fire and happily accepted the book Lance passed him. The kid’s dark eyes bored into him for a minute, like he was offering a challenge. Daniel glanced at the tome in his hands and chuckled to himself. Another test. Lance seemed to be all about the tests.
“Farmer Boy. Awesome story.”
Lance frowned. “Mom said we had to read it, but it’s a girl’s book.”
Daniel let his mouth hang open in an exaggerated fashion, playing it up for the kids. “You’re joking, right? Haven’t you read the rest of the Little House books? When we were all kids, my daddy sat us down every Friday evening for reading time, starting with that series.”
“Really?”
“Really. They ain’t books for just girls. Heck, the experiences that family had were tough and exciting. I know when I heard some of the things they lived through it always made me real grateful for all the comforts of home I got to enjoy. And thankful for treats like ice cream in the freezer instead of only once in a blue moon.”
Daniel settled on the couch and started reading at the bookmark. Robbie nestled against him, and Lance and Nathan plopped on the floor. Every time he glanced over, Lance’s thoughtful expression made him wonder what the hell was going on in the kid’s head.
Two hours later he finally had them tucked into bed, and a brand-new appreciation for why Beth was often tired when he called her. The phone rang, and he laughed as he spotted the number on the display.
“Evening, darling.”
“Hey, Daniel. We’re running late, and it’s going to be an hour still before I get home. Everything okay?”
He collapsed into the La-Z-Boy chair in front of the fire, kicking the foot extension out and relaxing back with a groan. “Everything’s great, but you are getting a massage the next time I see you. How the hell do you do this every day, woman?”
Her sexy voice lowered a notch. “Welcome to my world. Oh, and I’m totally accepting your offer, I need the massage so bad. My feet are killing me. I swear they made us walk every inch of the Tyrrell Museum. I’d sit through a million meetings before going on another ‘teachers’ field trip’.”
“Your leg sore?”
“Amazingly, not too bad. I think all the walks we’ve been taking have strengthened it.” Static cut in on the line and she spoke quickly. “I’ll see you at home as soon as I can.”
Home. Home with him where she belonged.
He rattled around the house for a bit, now too keyed up to stare into the fire and relax. The past couple of days they’d tried a few times to get together to talk, but it was like the kids had radar and woke up right when the discussion got deeper than sharing growing-up stories. There were certain things neither of them wanted to discuss in a public coffee shop or over the phone. Daniel sighed.
Tonight he intended to ask if Jaxi’s offer of babysitting was a possibility. See if Beth was willing to go on a retreat, just the two of them, for a couple of nights. Not only to get to make love without pulling strings, but to talk—really talk.
A creak on the stairs sounded with a low whimper hard on its heels. A little head poked around the corner, Nathan’s big eyes staring at him.
“Nathan? What’s up, bud?”
“I’m thirsty.”
Oh Lord. Daniel got him a glass of water and led the kid into the living room to sit in front of the fire. Of course, this probably meant he’d be up right around the time Beth got home, having to pee.
Kids.
Daniel sat back in the recliner. Moving slow and staying silent. Whenever he’d tried to stay up past his bedtime that was what his daddy had done. Made it seem peaceful and quiet. To a seven-year-old, boring.
Nathan perched on his heels and sipped slowly, his gaze darting around the room and returning again and again to Daniel. There was almost nothing left in the glass and still he milked it. Daniel scratched his face to hide his grin.
“You ready for me to tuck you in again?”
Nathan put the glass down on the coffee table and turned those big eyes on Daniel. “I’m scared to go to bed.”
Daniel frowned. Now what was going on? “Something wrong with your room? Did you know that’s the room my brother Blake used to sleep in? It’s a nice big space, and you’ve got Robbie in there to keep you company.”
“Not that.” The tyke surprised him to pieces by crawling into his lap and tugging on his shirt. “Bad dreams.”
Ahh. “Like there’s something…” Maybe giving the kid ideas wasn’t the best way to go about this. “What kind of dreams?”
“Of my daddy.”
Fuck. For all the time they’d spent together, it had shocked him how seldom the kids ever mentioned their father. Hell, at their age his daddy had been the center of his universe, and every waking minute he’d been home from school he’d tagged along, trying to keep up. Looking back he probably got in the way more than he helped, but Mike had never said a word.
“You miss him?”
Nathan stiffened in his lap. He swung his head up and glared at Daniel. “Can I ask you something?”
“Shoot.”
“You ever hit someone? Like punch them and hurt them?”
Daniel chuckled. “I’ve got five brothers. You tell me, you ever scuffle with Robbie or Lance?”
Nathan’s face folded into a frown. “Well, that’s different. They deserve it.”
“I expect they do, sometimes. I know my brothers certainly do.”
“You ever hit a girl?”
“Hell no. I don’t have any sisters, but I still can’t imagine hitting one.” The memory of Sierra planting the kiss on him in the bar crossed his mind. “They can be very annoying creatures at times, girls, but I’d never hit one.”
“What if a girl asks for it?”
Daniel frowned. What the hell kinda question was that from a seven-year-old? “You mean like teasing you? You still need to treat them nice, even if they call you names. Even if they poke you.” He leaned over and lowered his voice. “I know at times it just don’t seem fair,
but if you can learn it now, it’ll make things a whole lot better when you get older.”
“Daddy said Mommy asked for it.”
His breath was sucked from his lungs as Nathan’s thin voice carried through the night air. Daniel held in the swear words wanting to escape. He’d wondered if her husband had abused her. He’s suspected that was part of the secret Beth had kept, and yet the absolute fury that rose in his belly was shocking.
Holy shit, now what could he say? “All I can tell you is what I’ve been taught. There ain’t nothing a girl can do that makes it right for you to hit her. That doesn’t mean you have to stand there and take it, your mama has strong opinions on letting anyone push you around, but hitting them back? No sir. That’s not what a gentleman does.”
Nathan snuggled in tighter to Daniel’s side and something twisted in his belly. The earthy scent of boy, familiar and yet strange, rose to his nose. He tentatively put an arm around the little tyke and gave him a squeeze.
“I didn’t like it when he hit Mommy.”
Another shot of pain streaked through Daniel. “Of course you didn’t.”
“I wanted to hit him.” Nathan’s voice was so soft and low, Daniel barely heard the words. Red-hot anger at the man he didn’t even know blazed out. If the bastard hadn’t already been dead, Daniel would have happily tracked him down and shot him.
Daniel rocked the boy, considering his words carefully. “Nathan, I ain’t going to tell you that you’re wrong. In wanting to defend your mama, you were completely right. Now I didn’t know your daddy, and I don’t know all that happened along the way, but I can tell you this. Taking care of our mamas and sisters, and women in general, is supposed to be important to every man.”
He lifted Nathan’s face to look directly into his tear-filled eyes. “That what you having bad dreams about? Your daddy hitting your mama?” Nathan’s chin quivered. “Shit.”
Nathan’s eyes grew wide. “You swore. Mama says we’re not supposed to swear.”
