“The preparations are proceeding well; I look forward to being your wife. I will assign you a few minutes of my precious time tomorrow night, and it would be my pleasure to visit the pleasure garden with you. After all, sir, Vauxhall’s pathways are famous for romantic assignations, are they not?”
The stunned expression on Darcy’s face was well worth her embarrassment at having so brazenly flirted. He stopped short and stood staring down at her in awe. Elizabeth soon became a tad nervous over the ardency of his look. “Well, here we are at the mews, sir. Are you ready to meet Gloriana, ‘The Faerie Queen.’”
Having read a portion of the incomplete epic allegorical poem by Edmund Spenser about good versus evil, Darcy knew it was actually written in praise of the intelligent and powerful Queen Elizabeth of the Tudor dynasty. Gloriana, as her name would suggest, represented Glory in the mythical ‘Faerieland’ inhabited by Arthurian knights, each representing a virtue: holiness, temperance, chastity, friendship, justice, and courtesy. Although Arthur was supposed to be the embodiment of all those virtues, Darcy considered his own queen, Elizabeth, possessed them in good measure as well.
The other Gloriana was a sorrel, well over sixteen hands high; and once again, Darcy looked at Lizzy, a woman of just under average height, in astonishment.
“Do not look so surprised, sir. Even with a mounting block, I still require assistance gaining my seat.”
“So, you use a block to mount; but how on earth do you get down from Gloriana?”
“Oh, Fitzwilliam, really. Are you sure you want me to answer such an irresistible question?”
His brows knit while one of hers arched. Because of the nerve-racking position of that one eyebrow, Darcy rather hesitantly said, “Yes. How do you get down from Gloriana?”
“One does not get down from Gloriana, sir; one gets down from a duck.”
Fitzwilliam Darcy was an intelligent man, but he did not appear to comprehend her joke –perhaps because he was an intelligent man. He blankly stared at her. She sighed and said, “Fitzwilliam, did you honestly expect Gloriana to be a mere pony?”
“She is glorious, Elizabeth … as are you, albeit downright silly as a goose.”
She playfully swatted his arm. Darcy glanced around for the others, who were at Zephyr’s stall; and although he longed for much more, he only dared put his arm around her and quickly brush his lips against her soft cheek. His deep voice vibrated near her ear. “Lizzy, I want to rain kisses upon you but must keep a tight rein on my desire; you reign over my heart, my faerie queen, and I am your loyal subject.”
Elizabeth saw the others approach, so she tore her eyes away from the intensity in his. “I have been thinking about The Faerie Queen and the Arthurian legends, Sir Fitzwilliam; and I, your queen Elizabeth, have a challenge for you.”
“Once again, I am almost afraid to ask. Nonetheless, ask I shall, since it is what my queen desires. What is this challenge?”
“I challenge you to a duel of punnery.”
“There is no such word, your majesty. But since you have thrown down the gauntlet, I must pun-derously accept.” Darcy peeled off his kid gloves, flung them to the ground, and silently dared her to do the same. Elizabeth followed suit and boldly stripped off kid gloves as well. The temptation was too great. Her fiancé quickly snatched both her bare hands and kissed them ardently, and repeatedly, while gazing into her fine eyes.
“Ahem!” Colonel Fitzwilliam suddenly appeared next to Darcy. With arms crossed over his chest, he lectured, “Youn-g-loves, now is not the time, and here is not the place, to dispense with decorum.”
Lizzy blushed but cried, “Ooh, another contestant! Please join us, Sir Richard. We are about to engage in a battle of puns relating to King Arthur.”
Darcy whined, “Elizabeth, you did not previously mention the puns had to conform to a certain theme. You most certainly have an unfair advantage, madam. In fact, I now suspect you have come to this tournament equipped with a prepared arsenal of quips.”
“Are you conceding defeat already, Sir Fitzwilliam?”
“Upun my word, I am not! Let the pun and games begin.”
His cousin groaned and opened his mouth to protest. Elizabeth, arms akimbo, said, “Colonel, kindly save your groans for after my opponent’s puns. Following mine, however, laughter will be most welcome and appreciated.”
When the officer asked how they would determine the winner, Lizzy suggested Charlotte would be an impartial judge.
“But I want to play too!”
Jane solved the problem by saying, “I shall not be joining the challenge but will decide the victor. I require a great deal of forethought before forming a pun. I am far too slow.”
Quick as a wink, her fiancé was beside Jane; and when she looked up at him, Colonel Stud-muffin winked and whispered, “I disagree, love. I happen to know you are rather fast.”
“Richard!” Jane hissed, “You are incorrigible.”
“Only because you incorrige me, sweetheart.”
Elizabeth shook her head and objected, “Jane, there is no way you are going to be impartial where the Colonel is concerned. I believe the only solution is to return home and have our father adjudicate.”
Darcy doubted whether Mr. Bennet would be unbiased. Good God, what has this woman done to me? Here I am worried over such nonsense as a punnery contest ruling. Where is the old Fitzwilliam Darcy who would have scoffed at such folly? That perfectionist would never have lowered himself to partake in a situation where he could be ridiculed, and that poor man would have missed out on so much joy.
His cousin was thinking along similar lines, and he marvelled at the fate that had so fortunately brought the Bennet ladies into their lives. Darcy had always been lively enough in company of his immediate family and very close friends but extremely reserved in public. Miss Elizabeth was perfect for him and had already been the cause of more smiles on Darcy’s face in the short months of their acquaintance than had ever been cracked in his entire life. Colonel Fitzwilliam knew instinctively Mr. and Mrs. Fitzwilliam Darcy’s marriage would be a benchmark of conjugal happiness, as would his own with dearest, loveliest Jane.
Of course, once the five returned to the townhouse and explained the contest, Mr. Bennet wanted to participate rather than adjudicate. Lydia also insisted on being included, so straws were drawn to form teams and to determine which went first. Elizabeth was paired with Colonel Fitzwilliam, Lydia with Mr. Darcy, and Charlotte with Mr. Bennet. Their audience, consisting of Sir William, Lady Lucas, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Mary, and Kitty, would decide the winning team by the volume and duration of applause each pun earned.
Lydia and her partner went first. After consulting with Mr. Darcy, she stood and offered, “Sir Mount had a bad dream about his horse. It was a knight-mare.” This earned smiles and a polite round of applause for the little girl. Darcy was proud of Lydia, as she had come up with the premise on her own and just needed help with the phrasing. She reminded him so much of Lizzy, both in looks and temperament, that he felt he was being allowed a glimpse of what his betrothed would have been like at seven years of age.
With his collaborator’s approval, Colonel Fitzwilliam, being a military man, stood at attention and pronounced, “When a knight in armour was killed in battle, his gravestone said ‘rust in peace.’” Predictably, Jane clapped the longest and loudest for her beloved fiancé and sister.
Mr. Bennet held off and allowed Charlotte to fire their first salvo. “A knight put his arm-our ’round his lady.” Sir William and Lady Lucas hoped Lieutenant-Colonel Dun would be their daughter’s knight in shining armour and heartily applauded her choice.
At Lydia’s nod of consent, Darcy smugly fired back, “A knight courting his lady wore a suit of amore.” Groans were heard amongst the sparse clapping, and he knew he would have to do better next round and avoid Italian words.
Jane was jealously relieved when her sister stopped whispering close to Richard’s ear. Lizzy stood and proclaimed, “King Arthur had a Round
Table so no one could corner him.” A smattering of applause and groans caused Elizabeth to sit back down in a huff. She crossed her arms, glared at her father, and silently challenged him.
“Thank you, Lizzy, for mentioning that very special table. It made me think the knights facing each other at King Arthur’s Round Table disagreed a lot because they were diametrically opposed.” That pun initially went over all but Sir William’s head; and he was the only one to clap until the rest of the audience caught on and joined in the applause.
Darcy was out of his depth and relied on his little companion. Luckily, Lydia remembered a recent discussion between their governess and Kitty; and she was able to put forth, “The Dark Ages were so named because there were so many knights.” The youngest member of the contest beamed as her audience clapped.
Colonel Fitzwilliam thought his partner’s brilliant offering would put them in the lead, and the appreciative round of applause Miss Elizabeth received gratified him. Her pun was ‘Old knights in chain mail never die. They joust shuffle off their metal coils’.
Lydia tugged on Mr. Darcy’s sleeve and asked him to explain. “It is a play on words from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Miss Lydia. The quote is: ‘What dreams may come, When we have shuffled off this mortal coil, Must give us pause.’ And I am afraid we will have to try very hard to top that pun, little one.”
“But I still do not understand it, Mr. Darcy.”
“Remember in the park, when you found the sparrow?” When Lydia nodded, he continued, “Well, the bird had divested itself of its mortal coil. It no longer needed its earthly body, because it had died. Do you understand?” Again she nodded; and Darcy smiled and said, “Good. We are to be brother and sister, you know. So you must never be afraid to approach me if you have a question. Now, let us hear what our other opponents are saying.”
“Miss Lucas, do you happen to know which monarch of medieval England was famous because he spent so many knights at his Round Table writing books?”
Charlotte clasped her hands under her chin and gazed in rapt wonder at her friend’s father. “Why, no! Oh, but please do enlighten us, Mr. Bennet.”
“It was King Author, of course.” Their opponents thought the two were unfairly hamming it up, but the audience groaned and reluctantly clapped.
Susanna Palmer, the housekeeper, tiptoed into the room, curtsied, and spoke softly to Mrs. Bennet, who then announced dinner would soon be served. “I have advised Mrs. Palmer to keep the first course of stew and biscuits warm until we end the final round. I suggest each team must now present two puns per turn, so we can finish here before we all shuffle off our mortal coils due to starvation.”
Bloody hell, this is entirely too much pressure! Fiend seize it, as Bingley would say! Egad, why am I fretting over this inanity? Who would believe Fitzwilliam Darcy, heir to Pemberley, Northumbrella, and the famous Darcy fortune would be involved in such folly? The gentleman from Derbyshire looked around at his new family and realized he had never been happier, and he anticipated spending many more days and nights in such a manner. Knights! After a quick consultation with his teammate, he announced, “When those around King Arthur’s Round Table had insomnia, there were a lot of sleepless knights. So the straight-edged ruler decreed his men must, thereafter, practice joust at knight.” Darcy could not keep the smirk off his face as he sat down, crossed his arms, and stared defiantly at his wife-to-be while the audience cheered and clapped. There! Just try and trounce that trenchant triple treasure, Miss Lizzy Bennet.
Elizabeth stared back and was determined to outwit her future husband. She and her resolute partner, Colonel Fitzwilliam, planned their strategy and launched their volley. “One evening, the roundest knight at King Arthur’s famous table, Sir Cumference, discovered Sir Lancelot’s moonshine operation; and together with his companions, they shattered the still of the knight.”
Applause was loud and long; but when it finally petered out, Mr. Bennet and Miss Lucas were ready to retaliate. The gentleman allowed the young lady to present the final pun of the competition. “When King Arthur found out about Queen Guinevere and Sir Lancelot, he knew how to deal with the sworded truth. He banished Sir Lancelot to Egypt, where the disgraced knight opened a very successful camel-lot.”
It was hard to determine whether the sustained applause was intended for that final pun or whether the audience clapped in appreciation of the end of such a pun-ishing contest. However, the six judges were all in agreement the challenge had clearly ended in a three-way draw; and Mrs. Bennet quickly shooed everyone out and into the dining room. Along the way she beckoned Lady Lucas aside and said, “I do not usually join in when Mr. Bennet, Lizzy, and Lydia are engaged in their silly wordplay. Be that as it may, I do have a couple of my own to add to today’s theme.”
“Fanny, I know you do not share your naughty puns with your family. Pray tell, what do you have for me today?”
Mrs. Bennet waited until the others had passed and whispered, “Queen Guinevere nicknamed her favourite beef-cake lover Sir Loin.” The two ladies snickered; and then she added, “King Arthur never let any of his personal musicians go swimming immediately after eating for fear they would get minstrel cramps.”
Mrs. Bennet had not noticed Mr. Darcy and Lizzy had returned to check why the hostess was missing from her own table. The young couple overheard the last pun; and Darcy said, “I do not get it.”
His future wife turned red and muttered, “You are very fortunate, indeed, sir.”
Mr. Darcy would never have groused aloud; however, he had been disappointed to discover the first course was to be lamb st-eew. Elizabeth learned of his dislike but knew he was too much of a gentleman to voice his opinion. “Fitzwilliam, please do not despair. I will simply have our cook prepare another dish for you. You do not have to eat the lamb.”
Her fiancé sheepishly said, “No, under no circumstances. Please do not go to such bother on my account. Really, my revulsion is too much ado about mutton. I will simply eat the lamb stew. It is time I overcome my dislike. I shall conquer this. I shall.”
“You are very brave and gallant, Sir Fitzwilliam. I had no idea this day would be such an historic one.”
“I am afraid to ask … ”
“Why, today Fitz-William the Conqueror shall engage in the Battle of Tastings.”
Conversation at the table eventually turned to the Colonel’s appreciation of the fine horseflesh stabled at the mews; and Sir William commented on the exhilarating sight of Miss Elizabeth on Gloriana racing across Longbourn’s meadows against Zephyr, ridden by her father. “But true magnificence, Colonel, would be Bennet’s pride and joy, his grey Arabian stallion. Khaldun Kahleil is an incredible creature; even I, an unskilled rider, can appreciate his spirit and endurance.” He paused to pass the basket of freshly baked bread, biscuits, muffins, and scones back to his host.
Mr. Bennet thanked Sir William and said to Jane’s future husband, “Well, son, you will just have to visit Hertfordshire to see Kahleil, although he is currently at a neighbouring estate rather than at Longbourn. You see, I hire him out to stud. Muffin, Colonel?”
The very ladylike Miss Jane Bennet uttered a very unladylike snort, followed by a giggle, and “Excuse me!”
Mr. Bennet raised his eyebrows and asked, “Was it something I said?”
The engagement dinner held at the Darcy townhouse was a memorable evening for the family members, relatives, and close friends who gathered to celebrate three love matches and the eight-and-twentieth anniversary of the birth of Richard Cosmo Fitzwilliam.
Before the other guests’ arrival, the army officer had been summoned to his uncle’s study where Lord Matlock, Lady Catherine, and their family solicitor informed him of his inheritance. When Sir Lewis shuffled off his mortal coil ten years previously, he had been the final male member of the de Bourgh line. His will stipulated should his marriage produce no male heir, Rosings Park would be bequeathed to his wife’s closest untitled male relation not already in possession of an estate upon tha
t man reaching the responsible age of eight and twenty. In his widow’s opinion, the stipulation was an heir-brained one; and although Lady Catherine did not have the willpower to contest the testament on Anne’s behalf, her disapproval was clearly evident. The mournful expression on the woman’s face was a dead giveaway – which, coincidentally, might also morbidly be considered the definition of a will.
Wealth can be a rather touchy subject; so when the Bennet family arrived, Colonel Fitzwilliam, who was still reeling from the disclosure of his legacy, requested a few private moments with his fiancée in order to inform her of their sudden good fortune. Jane was elated by Richard’s information but not by reason of his newly gained riches. The young lady was, in actuality, more relieved by the fact her husband-to-be would soon resign from his dangerous soldiering occupation. That he was also very well endowed was a just another advantage to which she could look forward. The Colonel’s heart filled with joy, knowing his bride cared more for his safety than for property; and because love can also be a rather touchy subject, the happy couple took advantage of their privacy before joining the others. The well-endowed officer was warned, however, to not dare leave another brand on her skin, as Jane had not the foresight to bring along the high-necked fichu she had used to previously cover the mark he had left behind.
At the massive dining room table, between courses, announcements were made and toasts were given to those being honoured that evening. The Earl of Matlock made public the news of his second son’s good fortune; and, with the vintage champagne contributed to the festivities by Mr. Edward Gardiner, he proposed a toast. “The Fitzwilliam family motto is ‘Let your desires obey your reason’. Yet I am proud Richard had reason to obey his desire for gaining the hand of such a lovely young lady as Miss Bennet. So, let us now pay tribute to his good reason, the anniversary of his birth, his inheritance, and his engagement.” The Earl lifted his glass and looked to where the Colonel and his beautiful fiancée sat side-by-side. “To quote an Irish blessing, ‘May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past’. Ladies and gentlemen, to Richard and his Miss Jane Bennet!”
Mr. Darcy Takes the Plunge Page 25
