He turned and looked at her. Studying her again, as he had done before.
“Because I wanted you to come.”
“But why did you want me to come. Why did you do all of this for me? Why do I matter to you, enough for all of this?”
It was a great question. He thought about it for a moment. Still looking at her as he did, ever searching for something familiar.
“Well, I love your book. I love the way you write. I love the way you think.” He reached over and grabbed hold of her hand.
“I never expected to find a new friend, one that was just themselves, without wanting anything from me. You didn’t even know who I was and that in itself is amazing. Carnegie, for whatever reason it came about, you do matter to me. Through you, I get to have what I don’t have, and get to tell someone what I have and how it feels, and know you’re really listening. I treasure your world, and everything in it.” He paused trying to read her acceptance to his words through the movement in her eyes. Then he continued….
“I didn’t drag you down here to sleep with you. If that’s what you’re wondering.”
Carnegie laughed a little. “I get the feeling you’re not that hard up for it.”
“Hey…Don’t put yourself down. You’re an amazing woman. Your talented, your beautiful, and you’re so very special. Soon enough the world is going to know your name. Not for any other reason than because of the talent you are. I knew that the moment I started reading your story. I knew you were special. You’re my friend Carnegie Lane. Don’t ever think anything would change that. I will always be here for you no matter what.” He pulled her over toward him and held her firmly in his arms.
She could have jumped all over him right then and there. He wouldn’t have said no. It was Carnegie that was keeping the distance between them. This man was amazing. He was talented, he was gorgeous, he was independently wealthy. He had an amazing nature, he was everything that any woman in her position would climb over rocky mountains to get at if the opportunity allowed it. It was that box that remained unopened deep inside her that stopped her that night. The one that clearly was labeled… ‘Don’t ever open again’.
I’m turning tricks, I’m getting fixed
I’m back on Boogie Street
I guess they won’t, exchange the gifts
That you were meant to keep
And quiet is, the thought of you
The file on you complete
Except what we, forgot to do
A Thousand Kisses Deep
“A Thousand Kisses Deep”
Written by Leonard Cohen and Sharon Robinson
Leonard Cohen – Ten New Songs Album 2001
13
Katalie hadn’t heard back from Richard, so as far as she knew, he had been happy with her reply. She had no idea of the bombshell he was preparing to drop on all of them. Jase had been somewhat helpful, and had made contact with Lilli, filling her in on what had happened to make Kat angry with the one sibling she had always defended above all of them. It had been Lilli that had pulled Nate through when Taylor died. Taylor was younger than Lilli by two years, although it never got between the friendship they had shared. Age seemed to be no barrier, and there was to this day, rarely one that went by where there wasn’t a fleeting thought about Taylor in her mind.
Watching the rise in musical success of her brother, Lilli often wondered if it would have happened if Taylor was still alive. She never could listen to those first two albums though. She knew exactly what they represented, even if the rest of the world had no idea.
There had been a time, when Nate was between the ages of nineteen and twenty when his recklessness had almost sent him to his grave alongside her. She knew he didn’t care if he lived or died. The cars he crashed, the base jumping off buildings. All of it was to free himself of the guilt he felt for letting Taylor go that night. The reality was, he couldn’t have stopped her even if he tried.
They had been together since they were kids. Always dreaming of graduation, always wondering what it would be like to be married. By the time they were eighteen, Nate had it in his head that he owned Taylor. She would be his bride forever, yet Taylor was beginning to think for herself. Her priorities had changed a little, looking forward to college and maybe some space to find out who she was, on her own. That was what the fight was about. Taylor had applied to a different university than him, and she had been accepted. They were arguing because Nate had naturally assumed they would attend the same one. It was an argument he would live to regret.
He spent his weekends at a cemetery talking to engraved concrete. Lilli remembered the day she went there, in the rain, dragging him off her grave and begging him to let her go. She never knew why he suddenly snapped out of it. Maybe it was the music, maybe he sang all his sadness away. All she was grateful for was, it did end. Yet she wondered if it would ever rare it’s head again. Especially since he had remained somewhat… single. From what Jase had told her, either Carnegie Lane was psychic and didn’t know it, or this story landing on her brothers lap exactly how it had, was some kind of divine fate.
It was impossible that she knew any of this, since it had never been made public. In fact, never in Nate’s long years doing what he did had the media even found out about it. She guessed it was the luck of growing up in a small town that still believed, that what happened in that town, remained there. All she asked was to be kept informed. If there was even an inkling of anything in his behavior that seemed unusual, Lilli wanted to know about it.
She placed the flowers on Taylors grave. It was something she still did, occasionally.
“I don’t know what you’re up to girl, but I get a feeling that somehow you’re behind this.”
If Lilli could hear the dead speak she would have heard a reply. Taylor would have told her…I am.
“I’ll keep an eye on him Taylor…I promise.” She said, blowing her a kiss.
Lilli turned and walked back to the car, driving home before her children bounded in the door from school, and before any of them would ask where she had been.
Nate Bowman was eager to get through the last of his interviews. They were so repetitive, yet necessary. Over and over he was asked the same questions. Over and over he answered them, always with a slight variation to the last. There is only so many times you can talk about the creation of a certain song, or album and find something different to say. This time, his questions had an extra one. Who was Carnegie Lane to him? He would always answer the same way. ‘Just a friend’.
Then he would change the subject, hoping to steer the conversation in another direction. It usually worked. Nate had learnt over time that if you don’t put much emotion or emphasis behind the side questions, it usually allowed him to return to the focus point. Always promoting what is new and current. In a way, he had been lucky to keep much of his private life separate, especially where his past was concerned.
Carnegie had taken the girls shopping, which was a deadly thing to do, although since she had avoided using her credit card for as long as she had, there was plenty of room on it for spending. They were sitting at a café in the city center when Olivia’s phone rang. She talked for a while, then turned to her mother, the phone stretched out in front of her.
“Mum…it’s Dad.”
“Who?” Carnegie asked, she totally missed what she said.
“Dad…” Olivia said again.
“Who?” She asked again, not quite sure she had heard right.
“My father…your ex-husband!” Olivia made herself perfectly clear.
“Oh..”Carnegie took the phone cautiously. It had been a very long time since she had spoken to him, and none of their conversations had been particularly nice.
“Um…yep?” She questioned.
“Hi.” He said, as if nothing had ever happened. He even sounded pleased to hear her voice.
“Umm Hi?”
“Saw you in the paper today.”
“Oh...which one?” She asked casually, there were thr
ee that she knew of that had a story about her arriving at the airport with Nate… She was wondering which one he had.
“The Sydney Herald, you look good…Carnegie.”
She didn’t say anything. She was still a bit bewildered as to why he would want to speak to her.
“I…I guess you’re wondering why I called.”
“Not really, I rarely wonder anything where you’re concerned anymore.”
“I miss you…”
Again… Silence.
“I…I left Amanda….It didn’t work out.”
Like I didn’t see that coming….Carnegie thought. “Oh…that’s a shame for you.” She said sarcastically.
“Maybe…we should catch up. Try to work it out.”
The entire conversation was almost comical to her.
“Don’t think so. I think the working out has already been and gone. Do you want to speak to one of your other children?” She really had nothing to say to this man. Not now, not ever.
“Carnegie…I guess I just want to say I’m sorry.”
“Yep…I could imagine you would be. Here’s Connor.”
She passed the phone to her son and began to drink her coffee in silent contemplation. She couldn’t believe he would call her after all this time. And now…that she might be getting her life back on track, he seemed interested. Her mind went back to that picture in which she would look for the missing piece, trying to figure out what wasn’t there that should be. Perhaps she should have been a writer then, and maybe he would have stayed. Who knows…Too late now buddy… She thought.
As much as she never wanted that divorce at the time, she was pleased now. It wasn’t about meeting Nate Bowman, or writing the book, it was about finding out the calibre of the man she believed was her entire world. He had a completely separate life to her, one she hadn’t been invited to live with him, even though they had promised to share what they had and be grateful for it. She felt no emotion for him now, even if they tried again, it would end at her insistence before it began. There was no more love to be lost or gained for either of them.
Carnegie was listening to the one sided conversation Sobian was now having with her father. He was trying to get information out of her, she didn’t have the answers and a bit like her mother, she didn’t have the time to give him.
“Dad…I don’t know…How would I know?” She looked at her mother mouthing the words. ‘Wants to know about you and Nate’.
Carnegie raised her eyebrows a little. Could it be possible the one who let her go was now jealous? That was almost a poetic justice too sweet for words.
After their coffee and milkshakes they walked back to the hotel. It was four in the afternoon. The girls were keen to go see if the band was doing anything exciting. Carnegie wanted to go and say hi to Nate, she hoped he would be back. Talking to her ex had made her realize, that maybe Nate did matter more than she wanted to admit.
She was a little disappointed when she found out that he wasn’t there. Leonie made her a coffee and went back to her room with her, they watched the kids go through all the stuff they had bought, and caught up a bit on the day’s progression.
“Well, you’re all over the papers…have you noticed?” Leonie had noticed…her phone hadn’t stopped ringing from journalists wanting an official statement, one way or the other.
“Yeah…I don’t know what all the fuss is about though.”
“It’s not necessarily about you, not yet. It’s who is with him and why that matters to the media right now.”
“Why the obsession?”
“He is a global obsession. And it’s that obsession that sells stories.”
There was a slight tone behind this conversation, one that Carnegie wanted to explore more. Leonie was protective of Nate, she could see that. She needed to know where she stood with her.
“So, what do you think? Why do you think Nate invited me here?”
“He hasn’t said much. He just tells me what to do and I do it.”
“But you know him better than most. I’m asking your opinion.”
“All I know is he wanted you here more than anything, and moved heaven and earth to make it happen. I also know, his sister Katalie isn’t that impressed.” She looked at Carnegie, interested to see her reaction. It was just as she suspected, she had no idea.
“Why?” She asked innocently.
“Because to Kat, you’re her client. And any publicity that happens around you and Nate before your book comes out, could affect the way it’s judged. That’s why.”
“Oh…I had no idea…She should have said something. I wouldn’t have come if I thought it would cause a problem between them both.”
“They will sort it out. Carnegie…I have to tell you, to be careful. Your book is about to be published. Nate is about to start the next leg of his tour, promoting the new single. If you get lost in his world, you could lose focus on your own. I think that is what Kat is the most worried about, underneath it all.”
“Oh... I have to talk to her…She has been so good to me.”
“It’s because she believes in you. I talked to her the other day. She said she would contact you when you get back from here. Have a chat. I think she is going to start arranging all the promotion that goes along with your book release. It’s getting closer all the time.”
“It’s an amazing feeling, having accomplished what I have. If you told me a year ago I was going to write a book and have it published, I would have laughed at you.”
“That’s the way it happens sometimes. You suddenly fall into your own destiny, and straight on your feet.”
“When will Nate be back?” Carnegie had been dying to ask.
“About an hour... I have to go and start getting gear ready for tonight’s show. Remember what I’ve said…Just be careful.”
“Thanks Leonie.” She answered as she finished off her coffee. Leonie slipped out the door and was gone, before she even had time to say goodbye. Watching the shadows of the day outside of her window, she wondered what it was she should be careful of. What could possibly happen to her now that could destroy what was happening to her?
Carnegie was nearly asleep on the lounge watching television when there was a knock at her door. She got up and answered it, and the smile that met her made her day.
“Hey you!” Nate said, as he walked straight in past her and sat on the lounge. “How was your day?”
“Great…but my credit card is still smoking from the experience. How was your day?” She sat down next to him, happy to hear all the exciting events she had missed.
“Same Same…got through a lot though, interviews mainly.”
“Ahhh…the demanding life of a rock star.”
“Yeah… and every now and then, I recognize that I’m an aging rock star let me tell you.”
“Aw… You’re not that old.”
“Old enough...You coming tonight?”
“I’ll see how up to it the little ones are. Three nights in a row might be a bit much.”
“We could get a sitter, if you like.” Nate hadn’t thought about the little ones being tired. He hadn’t even thought of Carnegie not being there. To him, these three shows were for her, and her alone. It didn’t seem right that she wouldn’t be there.
“They are resting now, watching a movie…I’ll wait and see….” He cut her off before she finished.
“You have to come.” He hesitated for a second. He didn’t want to sound demanding, it wasn’t his intention. “I mean…I would really love it if you came. I missed you today.”
There it was again. This intensity that was building between them started to increase. Carnegie’s heart beat began to race a little, as if she was terrified of the outcome. The words that fell out of her mouth shocked her the most.
“I missed you too.”
Nate Bowman sat there, staring at her, as he had done in the past, finding something comforting in her eyes. He gently moved the hair that was hiding her face, placing it carefully behind her e
ar.
“Then you will come?” He finally asked again. Knowing he had to get moving, if he wanted to be on time, not wanting to leave until she had promised him.
“I will come.” Carnegie said without hesitation. All she hoped was that Sienna was in a good mood.
Nate kissed her on the cheek and said nothing as he bounded out the door. Leaving her in the whirlpool of her mind. She looked for a song, for something, anything that could help her find even ground. Again… there was no song…not even a chorus.
Once again, Carnegie Lane stood at the side of a stage, at the peripherals of the world she wanted as her own and watched as Nate Bowman turned her statues into people. Every now and then, he turned and looked at her, his eyes smiling as if he were a child, hoping to make their parents proud. His performance commanded attention, and that night, she made sure he had all of hers.
Carnegie had changed it around a little, she arranged for Sobian and Olivia to leave with Connor and Sienna straight after the show. They had attempted to protest, but knew that it was pointless to even try. Their mother had spoken in a way they knew was not worth even an attempt to negotiate.
Carnegie stood out the back of the venue and watched as the fans put their arms through the fences, trying to get Nate’s attention, trying to get him to sign autographs on everything from arms to shirts. The band went up and down that line, talking and interacting with the tearful screaming girls, as if they were lions on the opposite side of a cage. Eventually it ended, and Leonie made the call to get the cars. It was time to get out of here.
“Nate, I have an idea…” Carnegie whispered in his ear.
“Oh, I like ideas.” He said, with an element of wicked in his voice.
“See that building, just over there beyond the park?” Carnegie was pointing to their hotel.
“Yep…Our hotel.”
“Well, let’s not drive back. Let’s make a run for it.” She had a grin from ear to ear. It was a great idea. Would he be game was the question.
“Do you think we will make it out alive?” he asked genuinely.
The Unexpected Life of Carnegie Lane Page 16
