The Real Deal Holyfield
Over the years, private businesses have hired scores of lobbyists to discredit Columbus's recognition for discovering the New World in an effort to justify their unwillingness to allow their employees to participate in Columbus Day shenanigans. Frequent mailers and radio ads point to Leif Erickson exploring the North American coastline over 500 years earlier. Regardless of the facts, many people still feel that the month of October deserves a party, and they feel comfortable using Christopher Columbus as the reason for it.
1587 THE LOST COLONY OF ROANOKE
…it would be easy for his free-spirited family to land American green cards and give them a Disney Fast Pass to citizenship.
Green Card up Their Sleeve
Long before poor and desperate Mexican parents began smuggling their pregnant daughters into the United States in an attempt to secure American citizenship for all of their underachieving family members, John White, an English-born artist, was writing the “illegal alien to full citizen in three easy steps!” playbook. Receiving the blessing of Queen Elizabeth I, White brought his pregnant daughter Eleanor to the New World. White was ecstatic to learn that his daughter got knocked-up by a hometown bricklayer named Ananias Dare. He reasoned that if Eleanor's bundle of joy was born on what would soon become U.S. soil, with the lack of immigration regulations in the New World, IT WOULD BE EASY FOR HIS FREE-SPIRITED FAMILY TO LAND AMERICAN GREEN CARDS AND GIVE THEM A DISNEY FAST PASS TO CITIZENSHIP.
Once the “Settlers Wanted” poster went up in the town square, White put his pregnant daughter and son-in-law's names at the top of the list. Leaning on his favorable relationship with the queen, White managed to be appointed governor of the new settlement.
White was aware that there had been an earlier attempt to establish a British colony in the area in 1585, however, it failed when the fifteen settlers pleaded with a ship returning to England to give them passage back to the comforts of their own country. Many British historians argue that these original settlers must have been French, not English, because of how quickly and easily they surrendered.
Spanglish Conflict
In July 1587, the 117 handpicked men, woman, and children stormed the shores of Roanoke Island. Celebrating their safe arrival in the New World, the settlers gave the Indians their first taste of British hooliganism, yelling “Real Madrid sucks” while running half naked along the shores of Roanoke Island and setting random fires. The Native Americans were left questioning how long they really wanted this group of strangers to remain their neighbors on what was once a peaceful sliver of paradise.
Benefiting from his position as governor, White convinced his rowdy group of settlers that it would be in the best interest of the colony if he returned to England to acquire more supplies. With the blessing of the settlers, White boarded his ship and headed back to England promising to return in three months loaded with everything a struggling settler could ever want.
Unfortunately for the settlers left behind, the Spanish and English governments decided to play a game centered around who could kill more men in uniform and citizens from the other team. As the road team, the Spanish were forced to make the long journey to England. DESPITE BEING LISTED AS HEAVY FAVORITES BY BOTH LAS VEGAS AND OFF SHORE CASINOS, THE SPANISH WERE DEFEATED TWO YEARS LATER. With the fun and games over, White headed back to those he wished to govern again.
Which Way Did They Go?
Arriving back in Roanoke nearly three years after he left, White expected to see the colony flourishing. Unfortunately, when he arrived he found no soccer pitches, no newspaper tabloids, and more importantly no one who spoke with an accent similar to his. In fact, the only signs that life had ever existed in the area were a couple of government-subsidized huts that were falling apart, as government housing often does, and the word CROATOAN carved into a large tree.
The search for the missing settlers has been ongoing for the last 400 years. Although most people involved in the search and rescue operation believe it is unlikely any of the original settlers will be found alive, they continue to look, hoping to provide answers for the families of the missing. Over the years, there have been many theories as to what happened to the settlers, including death by Ethiopian-like starvation, death by hurricane, and death by Indian. Perhaps the most probable scenario was that they were enticed farther into the mainland by the possibility of hot and spicy Anglo/Indian love. With the colony gone and his daughter and citizenship-ticket granddaughter missing, White abandoned his earlier green card seeking behavior and chose against becoming an undocumented alien and returned to England, never realizing his dream of American citizenship.
1619 SLAVERY COMES TO AMERICA
Hours were long, benefits were nonexistent, and office beatings were common
Coming to America
It took twelve years for the white Euro settlers to realize that building a country from its roots could not be done on the backs of those whose complexion was similar to that of George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio. Instead, it needed to be accomplished by volunteers who looked more like Denzel Washington and Will Smith. Using the resources of well-connected Dutch slave traders, the men of Jamestown, Virginia, placed an order for twenty hardworking black men, who were enthusiastic about working on labor-intensive farms while enduring brutal beatings by those they yearned to call “Master.”
Not as Good as Advertised
Slavery was not the state of utopia that you might suspect. LONG HOURS, NO PAY, AND BEING TREATED LIKE PROPERTY DID NOT MAKE FOR AN EASY LIVING. After being yanked from the Motherland you could be separated from your family on a whim, and your white master could decide he wanted to see if your wife's legendary bedroom skills were what he was looking for. The hours were long, the benefits were almost nonexistent, and office beatings were common. But from an altruistic standpoint, your hard labor was the backbone of the economy in the Southern states, which you should have felt good about.
Slavery — the Dark Meat on America's Thanksgiving Turkey
The idea of using slave labor fit nicely into the business plans of America's first farmers. Like many businesses, high labor costs and soaring health insurance made it difficult to turn a profit. By using slave labor almost exclusively, a farm owner's operating costs were reduced significantly, and the need to pay FICA taxes could be overlooked. These savings could be passed on to the farmer's wife and kids. More importantly, the slaves themselves could be passed on to the farmer's wife and kids. The descendants of rich slave farmers should give thanks every year for the bounty provided to them by somewhat underappreciated slaves.
Seeing how effective their new human property was working out on their farms' balance sheets, nearly every farmer's expansion plans included the purchase of new and equally enthusiastic slaves. Over the next several decades the slave labor market grew to nearly 4 million brothers and sisters in bondage. With so many slaves hitting the job market so quickly, many were forced to post their resume on CareerBuilder.com. Many Africans who had experience in tobacco and cotton hoped to further their slaving careers in growth states like Alabama, Mississippi, and Texas. This realignment of slave talent made life easier on whites in these areas, and changed the landscape of Popeye's franchises forever.
1620 THE PILGRIMS LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK
As the 102 settlers collectively broke out singing The Soup Dragons' version of “I'm Free,” a star was born.
A Rocky Road
The now famous castoffs who fled British harassment and bad beer on the mostly seaworthy Mayflower vessel disappointedly landed on Plymouth Rock in 1620. Far removed from the British monarchy's line of succession, William Bradford assembled a tight-knit group of members from the Separatist sect of British Protestantism along with a number of not-so-God-fearing additional fare paying passengers on their voyage in order to make the trip financially feasible.
Bradford's group called themselves “Saints,” and (keeping in mind that their God was better than everyone else's God) th
ey named the rest of the passengers “Strangers.” With the Strangers threatening mutiny and a brutal winter approaching, the “let's be more civil to each other” Mayflower Compact was drawn up to help the two groups work out their differences in the name of mutual survival.
DESPITE THEIR FUNNY ACCENTS AND BLINDINGLY PALE SKIN, THE PILGRIMS WERE MISTAKEN FOR MEXICAN ILLEGALS AND TURNED AWAY BY AREA BORDER CONTROL AGENTS WHEN THEY ATTEMPTED TO MAKE CAPE COD THEIR NEW HOME. With the island playground of the affluent off the list of possible settlement destinations, the Mayflower voyagers decided to continue their search for a friendlier, British-appreciating location. In November 1620 they stumbled upon Plymouth and set up shop. As the 102 settlers collectively broke out singing The Soup Dragons' version of “I'm Free,” a star was born.
We Will, We Will Rock You
Nearly 400 years after the fact, the Plymouth Rock landing is often regarded as simply the rumored site of where the Mayflower and its Pilgrims came ashore in 1620. It really is a nice way to say that they probably didn't land their ship on the rock, but since the locals have built a museum and carved out a tourist trap around the legend, most of us just play along.
While making plans to build on the waterfront in 1741, a ninety-four — year-old town elder named Thomas Faunce, the town's records keeper since the beginning of time, identified the precise rock where his father had claimed the Pilgrims set foot. Legend has it the old man took a swig of whiskey from his flask, walked the area, spun around three times, and pointed to the nearest stone. The scientifically selected rock quickly became famous as townsfolk and tourists stormed the harbor where the rock is located to get their pictures taken with it.
Rock Star Plymouth Rock has enjoyed quite a history since being identified as the rock where the Pilgrims first landed, or quite possibly misidentified as the rock where the Pilgrims first landed. In 1774, the good people of Plymouth decided to move the rock. Their clumsy effort resulted in the rock splitting in half like an amicable divorce, so they moved half of the historic stone into the town hall. YEARS LATER, THE CLEVER PEOPLE OF PLYMOUTH DECIDED TO BUILD A WHARF OVER THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE STONE, AND IN 1880 THE TOP HALF WAS REUNITED WITH THE BOTTOM HALF IN A CEREMONY THE TOWNSPEOPLE CALLED “THE 69.” With the ceremony over and the rock now in permanent foreplay, the state of Massachusetts has created its smallest state park, Pilgrim Memorial Park, for everyone's voyeuristic rock viewing pleasure.
1626 PURCHASE OF MANHATTAN
I'm sorry for your loss, how much for the dining room furniture?
Controversy, Controversy, Controversy
Nothing drives the American shopping psyche more than the words “clearance sale,” “fire sale,” “going out of business sale,” and the vulture-like “I'm sorry for your loss, how much for the dining room furniture?” estate sale. THE RECORD BOOKS ARE LITTERED WITH GREAT DEALS; HOWEVER, THE ALL-TIME GREATEST BARGAIN IN U.S. HISTORY TOOK PLACE IN 1626. The transaction in question involved the savvy Peter Minuit, a Dutch explorer. Minuit represented the Dutch West India Company and was charged with the nonviolent acquisition of the land in question. He entered into negotiations with the Canarsee Indian tribe, believing they were the rightful owners of the land. Unbeknownst to Minuit, Brooklyn's Canarsees had only posed as the rightful owners of the land, situated on modern-day Manhattan. Whether they held a grudge or were just creative, they cleverly sold the land from under the feet of the Wappani Indians. Minuit was so attracted by the bright lights and adult video stores of Time Square that he entered into negotiations with the Canarsees not really caring who the land actually belonged to.
Minuit the Realtor
Unlike his negotiating counterparts, whose authority to enter into a sales transaction for the land was suspect at best, Minuit acted with the full authority of the Dutch West India Company. Minuit was asked to secure a section of land from the locals that was suitable for settlement. Through Minuit's artful and peaceful negotiations, he acquired the twelve-mile island now known as the world's financial epicenter. The purchase price for this global business cradle was 60 Dutch guilders, the equivalent of about $24, or the cost of a hand job performed by an undocumented alien or a half-decent vibrator.
Shortly after getting his feet wet with his Manhattan deal, Minuit led a group of men in acquiring what would become Staten Island. The deal-making Dutchman developed a reputation for sweetening the deal with beads, tools, firewater and the always-popular peyote.
Your Fifteen Minuits of Fame Are Up
Capitalizing on his notoriety for making the big deal, Minuit was preparing to launch a series of how to make millions in real estate infomercials when the boat he was on encountered a powerful Atlantic Hurricane killing the Dutchman and his crew. AS THE BOAT WENT DOWN, MINUIT WAS HEARD SAYING “PRINCESS CHRISTINA DON'T CARE ABOUT BLONDE PEOPLE.” With his legacy intact, Minuit will always be remembered as the man who bought Manhattan for the price of a hand job.
1681 PENNSYLVANIA AND THE QUAKERS
Simple, loose clothing is the trend that never ends
Friends with Tolerant Benefits
Tired of the religious intolerance that was practiced in dreary England, William Penn fled the land of royalty worshippers and pompous accents in search of a place with scores of tanned bodies and religious freedom.
Capitalizing on the growing demand for left-wing ideology, Penn used his father's circle of influence to orchestrate a land coup of what is now Pennsylvania and Delaware. Using the principles practiced in the Society of Friends religion, otherwise known as the Quakers, this area became known for its religious tolerance of anyone, regardless of whether they peed standing up or had a cup size of A through the gifted Pamela Anderson surgically enhanced model.
I Thought It Was Founded by Paterno
In England the Society of Friends was founded by an up-and-coming televangelist named George Fox. FOX WAS POPULAR WITH HIS FOLLOWERS EVEN THOUGH HE LACKED THE ABILITY TO HEAL THE CRIPPLED AND THE BLIND WITH HIS OWN GODLY HANDS LIKE AMERICA'S MILLIONAIRE TV PREACHER BENNY HINN. In an effort to keep the operating costs of the start-up religion in check, Fox told his followers that God was found within each and every one of them, not the holy book. In addition to eliminating the need for Bibles, Fox also eliminated the need for churches. This savings in construction and building-maintenance costs allowed the Society of Friends religion to see earlier profitably and allowed them to quickly franchise into Pennsylvania with the help of Penn.
Once word of Penn's great experiment of religious tolerance, acceptance, and freedom hit the streets, thousands of non-Puritan, God-fearing, and sometimes Mohammed-loving fanatics uprooted their families and moved them to Pennsylvania, where they could openly express their religious freedom. Everyone from snake handlers to electricity-hating Mennonites began to practice their religion under the safety of Penn's umbrella of acceptance.
Group Hug
With love, peace, and happiness in ample supply, Penn extended his influence by setting up a democratic-style government that was designed to be hands-off. Quakers are known for their quirky ways of plain dress and rejection of material luxury. Simple, loose clothing is the trend that never ends. THEY CALL IT THEIR “TESTIMONY OF SIMPLICITY” WHILE THE REST OF AMERICA CALLS IT HELL. In the end, if you are going to accept all people into a sexually repressed religious society, you will need some way to camouflage those who show up with Pamela Anderson sized tatas.
1692–1693 THE SALEM WITCH TRIALS
…most often hanged, but sometimes burned at the stake to keep things fresh and interesting
Witchy Woman
All information from this point forward was conjured up with a Ouija board and chants of “light as a feather, stiff as a board.” We were sitting in a dark room with lit candles, and as the scent of “ocean boardwalk” collided with “summer linen,” a power from another world instructed us to write about the Salem Witch trials. Spooky, no?
Massachusetts has a lot to brag about when it comes to finding witches and people who don't
root for the Red Sox. BETWEEN THE YEARS 1692 AND 1693, MORE THAN 150 PEOPLE WERE ARRESTED IN THE NEW ENGLAND AREA FOR PRACTICING WITCHCRAFT AND POSSIBLY BEING YANKEE FANS. The initial outbreak was in 1692 when a group of young girls called the “Circle Girls” got together to discuss icky boys and Pilgrim fashion trends.
One of the “Witchy” games they played was to crack an egg into a glass of water and see what shape it formed. One night, Ann Putnam, who was twelve, saw the shape of Hugh Heffner. Soon afterward Ann, Betty, Paris, and Abigail began acting like something out of The Exorcist. Today this would be recognized as behavior typical of preteens who didn't get an iPhone for their birthday. When their behavior caught the attention of the local Puritans, Ann was asked to name those who tormented her. She accused Martha Corey, a church member who wore her girdle tight and kept her morals even tighter. Despite there being no evidence of Martha's tormenting skills, she was successfully hanged. The people of the community began to freak out; irrational thinking spread everywhere, with concerns that any one of them could be a witch. As people were arrested, the execution orders were swiftly handed down. Those convicted of witchcraft charges were most often hanged, but sometimes burned at the stake to keep things fresh and interesting.
The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Page 2
