Five for Fighting
Geared up in his new silk attire, public servant and military enthusiast George Washington played the role of Commander in Chief of the fashionably dressed ragtag army. As the fighting broke out, some colonies were valued more than others by England. Shaming the residents of the Keystone State forever, King George III was quoted in the London Daily newspaper saying, “It would be a joke to keep Pennsylvania” and quickly offered it back to the Indians in exchange for a series of commissioned totem poles depicting the hierarchy of the royal family. Once the totem poles were delivered to the British embassy in Washington, D.C., the mother country began losing interest in the war.
Following his shameful defeat at Yorktown in 1781, General Cornwallis threw in the towel like a good cut man should do. The Treaty of Paris was quickly written and signed off on allowing the British the opportunity to give up much of their land in America, for giving up the fight.
1776 THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Dragging on like a Keanu Reeves romantic comedy
Free-Range Americans
Since 1775, the Revolutionary War had been dragging on like a Keanu Reeves romantic comedy. Inside the thirteen colonies, farmers and more farmers were moonlighting as part-time militia combatants. The American army was short on military equipment but had a great supply of hoes.
Tired of the hours and the threat of death, a contingent of frustrated and unenthusiastic white military men convinced Continental Commander in Chief George Washington to allow black men to sign away the freedom that most of them did not enjoy and join white America's fight to free itself from the bonds of the even-paler-skinned British. As the war dragged on, with the assistance of new black soldiers, the great Caucasian minds of our founding fathers took to the less violent and subsequently less dangerous job of crafting a Declaration of Independence from the hygiene-challenged British.
The Most Famous Case of Plagiarism
As Congress met in June 1776, public support for independence was quickly swelling. This bulging of support was a reaction to King George's constant confrontational stroking of American tempers with unfair acts of taxation. With the chance for reconciliation now flaccid, America and its Congress took the bold step of approving a declaration of freedom and appointing a committee to draft such a document.
Thomas Jefferson, demonstrating that you need to work smarter and not harder, drafted the working copy of the Declaration of Independence between June 11 and June 28 in 1776. T.J. later admitted that the reason behind the quick turnaround of such an elaborate document is that he ripped most of it off from John Locke and the Continental philosophers. T.J. knew that if the United States did in fact win its freedom, copyright laws and enforcement were years away leaving him free to enjoy a Mötley Crüe — like harvest of adoring female fans attracted to his fame for authoring the most important document ever to be created in the United States. Locke, on the other hand, died in 1704 unknown and undersexed.
Maybe We Could Call It “Pre-Independence Day”
Jefferson wrote some of the first draft, plagiarized some of the first draft, wrote some more of the first draft, and plagiarized the rest before submitting the working document to the rest of the committee for their silent feedback. On the committee were recognizable names like John Adams and Ben Franklin, along with less recognizable names like Robert Livingston and Roger Sherman. THE FAMILIES OF SHERMAN AND LIVINGSTON HAVE TAKEN OUT “MISSING SINCE 1776” BILLBOARDS ALONG MOST INTERSTATE HIGHWAYS SINCE NO ONE HAS HEARD FROM THEM SINCE.
With the committee's input mostly ignored, T.J. looked for a few more passages to borrow and then presented the final document to Congress on June 28, 1776. On July 2, 1776, with each colony receiving a single vote, the Congress adopted the document by a vote of twelve yeas and one abstention. The Congress had already voted thirteen “hell yeas” to zero “nays” in favor of wearing the funny white wigs. John Adams wrote to his wife that July 2 was destined to become a famous day in American history.
Surprisingly, Congress debated two more days on several sections, removing almost a quarter of T.J.'s originally crafted plagiarized document. THE MOST SPIRITED DEBATE BETWEEN THE NORTH AND SOUTH WAS THE VERSE: “SLAVERY: JUST SAY NAY.” Ultimately, the verse was removed and an accord on the final wording for the declaration of Independence was reached on July 4, 1776. Abigail Adams, having jumped the gun with her entrepreneurial spirit, never did unload her “Peeing in British Tea since July 2, 1776” T-shirts and buttons.
As much as Americans value their independence, many famous stars find themselves dependent on their substance or compulsion of choice. See if you can match the star to their dependence:
Amy Winehouse
Robert Downey, Jr.
Charlie Sheen
Britney Spears
Eddie Vedder
Kurt Cobain
Courtney Love
Hugh Hefner
Oprah Winfrey
David Hasselhoff
11. Victoria Beckham
Prone to bouts of darkness and will assault you for singing his precious lyrics aloud without permission.
B. Twinkies, Twinkies, Twinkies!
Starred in an '80s flick where he had relations with men to pay for cocaine — we hope life never imitated art.
Dual addictions: looking cheesy and looking in the mirror at himself.
The second most addicted to sex on this list and that's amazing considering his track record.
Habitual flasher, never fails to participate in “No panties Thursday.”
Sadly … heroin.
Outer addiction to women covers up his inner gayness.
One hot-selling record and a hotter-selling drug habit. Weekly interventions required.
Addicted to bad clothes, '80s sk8er hair, and frowning.
Public intoxication as well as drunk and disorderly beefs with the law.
Answers
I
C
E
F
A
G
K
H
B
D
J
1787 THE CONSTITUTION
Much like a mafia family, it's only as strong as its weakest contributor
Three is the Magic Number
Whether you are studying ancient mythology or simply browsing in your local adult erotic store, you will occasionally encounter the vaunted beast of legend, the three-headed monster. The mythological sort is the chimera, a fierce creature with the heads of a snake, a goat, and a lion. If you happen to make a wrong turn, accidently get out of your car, trip, and fall into your local adult novelties shop, you may run into a totally different but equally scary three headed specimen. This monster has its own special purpose and its fierce heads can be made of sterile, semi-bendable plastic, or Pyrex. Debate rages on as to which of the two, three-headed monsters served as the inspiration for the three-headed model of government laid out by our forefathers in the constitution. BUT MUCH LIKE THE HAIR GEL IN PATRICK DEMPSEY'S MEDICINE CABINET, THE DOCUMENT GAVE OUR YOUNG BUT DISHEVELED NATION THE SHAPE AND STRUCTURE IT NEEDED TO BECOME GREAT
Lawful Head
The legislative head was the first one to bulge and strain the zipper of the constitutional pants. This particular part of the document entrusts the legislative branch with passing appropriate laws for the country to grow and prosper. The new proposed Constitution outlined a bicameral law-making branch consisting of a House of Representatives and a more respected Senate. The House of Representatives is based on unequal representation, meaning it matters how far sexually you would like to go with your prom date, but she still has the majority vote.
Conversely, the Senate is based on equal representation. One human year is equal to seven dog years and twenty-five guinea pig years. THIS TYPE OF STRUCTURE ENSURES THAT ALL SIX RESIDENTS OF MONTANA CAN INFLUENCE POLICY MAKING WHILE AT THE SAME TIME MAKING SURE CALIFORNIA HAS A LITTLE MORE VOTING POWER, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO FORCE US ALL TO DRIVE A PRIUS W
HILE EATING OUR ALFALFA TOFU GUACAMOLE WRAP.
Head Ruler
The executive head is the second part of the creepy three-headed monster. This section of the Constitution sets the ground rules for who can ascend to the lofty position of president of the United States. The most important part of this section is that it explicitly says that you must be a natural-born citizen and at least thirty-five years old to hold this office. This explains why motivated, hardworking baby Indians never get to serve in the role of commander in chief. It also explains why Arnold Schwarzenegger will never serve in the Oval Office. Even 220 years ago, the framers of the Constitution had the foresight to realize that only natural-born citizens are in tune enough with American's demands for outrageously high taxes, foreign energy dependence, high unemployment, and a semi-regular war to become the leader of this great nation.
Legal Head
Rounding out the trio of power is the judicial head. This partisan group is like our nation's consigliere, and is responsible for setting up the various levels of judicial interference and rulings. These lower courts are authorized to hear and adjudicate cases and hand down punishments. To ensure that the lower courts remain in check and follow the desires of the executive branch, a provision that allows the higher court to hear and overturn decisions was also included.
Amend This
Realizing the Constitution, much like a mafia family, is only as strong as its weakest contributor, otherwise known as Fredo, the framers wisely outlined procedures for amending the document to account for any treacherous Carlo Rizzi-like actions that went against the spirit of the document. TO DATE, CONGRESS HAS BEEN FORCED TO PASS TWENTY-SEVEN AMENDMENTS, INCLUDING THE PRESIDENT'S RIGHT TO KEEP A GUN TAPED UNDER THE COMMODE IN THE OVAL OFFICE BATHROOM IN CASE OF EMERGENCY OR A SURPRISE VISIT FROM A SCARY THREE-HEADED MONSTER.
United States Constitution
Nothing gives you a sense of purpose in the morning like a quick read of the U.S. Constitution preamble. A fifty-one-word gem that helps you determine how your actions will best fit with the founding fathers' goals for the country. Please take a moment to read the nontruncated version of the Constitution preamble and then pause and a give some consideration to how your inspired choices for today will help America form a more perfect union.
We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
If the above passage confuses you, don't worry — you are not alone. With the literacy rate of America well below the countries of Belarus and Tajikistan, you are simply a victim of a subpar education that was provided to you by the public school system before George W. rode into office with his cowboy hat on, declared that he loves children, even the difficult-to-teach ones, and that on his watch he wasn't leaving any child behind. If statewide standardized testing had been in place to ensure that the public schools you attended growing up were providing you with an above-Belarus education, you would understand what the founding fathers were striving for with the Constitution preamble and your role in accomplishing it.
The good news is that you are just one cog in the wheel of 330 million. This means that your contributions to the goals of the country are pretty insignificant. As a result, several occupations have written their own profession-specific preambles because it is much more likely that you can have an impact on the success of your employer than the success of the country.
Here is a sampling of how a handful of professions help to keep their workforce on track.
Garbage Men
We the garbage men, in order to keep America clean, establish an orderly kitchen, and pick up, curbside, the crap you don't want, promise to do this to promote the general safety and welfare of America, and promise to do so for a minimum amount of money so as to not place an unfair burden upon Americans.
Strippers
We the strippers of America, in order to keep stress on any male-female union, establish a penalty-free environment for men to treat us as objects and give a high-friction lap dance to help promote our own prosperity.
Lawyers
We the lawyers, in order to form a less perfect union, promote our financial welfare above all else, and secure the blessings of wealth by charging obnoxious fees, do promise to slow down and complicate each and every transaction possible.
Politicians
We the politicians, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for our re-election defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of lobbyists for ourselves and our posterity by taking bribes and/or campaign contributions, do hereby promise to spend every waking moment to make our Union perfect by assuring our re-election above all other goals and ideals.
Professional Athletes
We the athletes, in order to form a more perfect sports world, establish wealth, ensure our own domestic tranquility, and provide for our sexual welfare, hereby promise to only have one girlfriend in each city, never take our wives on road trips, and strive to wear protection more than 50 percent of the time when having extramarital relations.
1787 THE THREE-FIFTHS COMPROMISE
We bought 'em, we own 'em, we count'em
Who's Bad?
The Philadelphia convention of 1787 set the stage for one of the great debates in American history. The two major questions that needed to be answered were whether or not before his death the King of Pop Michael Jackson had intentionally turned his skin pigmentation white in an effort to show his respect for the equally dead King of Rock 'n Roll Elvis Presley, and whether or not a person who has been purchased from a slave trader and given a lifetime of employment opportunity in one of the Southern states should be counted as a person.
Dirty Diana South
For Southern slave owners, the first question was easy. It was obvious that Michael's black to white transformation was the result of careful cosmetic engineering motivated by his desire to thank Elvis for breaking down some of the racial biases that existed in the music industry before the draft dodging former Mississippian broke them down. The second question was a little more challenging. Slave owners all over the South were asking themselves, “If that slave I beat and whose wife I took home gains his freedom, what the hell will he do to me?”
It's Just the Way You Make Me Feel
For Northerners, Jackson's skin color getting whiter all the time had nothing to do with him being appreciative. It was clearly the result of a chronic autoimmune disorder called vitiligo where the body's own immune cells assault the skin's pigment resulting in a lighter more Justin Timberlake look. As for whether or not black people who were confined to a lifetime of servitude were in fact people, that was an easy one for Northerners. It was obvious that a slave was not a real person and should be counted as property not a person.
It Does Matter If You're Black or White
This divide in slave-counting philosophy became important in 1787 when the “we bought 'em, we own 'em, we count 'em” Southern states and the “we are above owning slaves” Northern states got together in Philadelphia to hammer out the makings of a Constitution. AFTER A FEW ROUNDS OF DRINKS AT A LOCAL KARAOKE BAR, IT WAS AGREED THAT CONGRESS WOULD BE DIVIDED INTO TWO HOUSES. An upper house that called for equal representation for each state and a lower house that called for proportional representation for each state. As proportional representation was agreed to, it became necessary for each state's residents to be counted in order to determine how many congressmen would be eligible to represent their state in the lower house.
The balance of power in Washington came down to the question how should slaves be counted? The slave-free states argued that only free citizens should count when determining representation. They knew that for years Southerners had become great customers of African slave brokers. And wheth
er or not the slaves all looked the same, the Northerners knew there were tremendous numbers of them. If every slave was counted, it was obvious to the Northerners that the slave-loving South would run Washington.
The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Page 4
