Jim Gilmore: Former governor of Virginia. He may not have been the first one in the race, but he was the first one out of the race. Gilmore disqualified himself for not being electable. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an “O.J. Simpson was innocent of the Brentwood double murders” 76.5 million to 1.
Rudy Giuliani: Former New York City mayor, he was praised for his handling of the 9/11 attacks. Early front-runner Giuliani lacked porn-star staying power as his lead faltered, he released quickly, subsequently quitting the race. Frequently marrying, Giuliani keeps a list of 400 guests who remain on call at all times for his next wedding. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a near Hillary-like 9 to 2.
Mike Huckabee: Former Southern Baptist minister turned overweight Arkansas governor. Fearing death by heart attack, he lost 110 pounds, or one Katie Holmes. The Huck struggled to get over the hump of his wife having far too many Barbara Bush physical features. After being described as both gregarious and loquacious, most Americans figured he had a dueling terminal illnesses and thought maybe running for president was on his “bucket list.” It has been speculated that if he and Kucinich's wife were a marital item he may have received the Republican nomination. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a shot-in-the-dark 625,000 to 1.
Duncan Hunter: Representative from California. Did not drop out as quickly as Gilmore but probably should have. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a hell-freezing-over 4.5 million to 1.
Alan Keyes: After inadvertently marking the wrong box on his party affiliation form, Keyes became the first black member of the Republican Party. He hoped to quickly parlay his notoriety into the nomination. Doesn't he know Republican is old Latin for “Whites Only” ? Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a “he's even blacker than Barack!” 50 billion to 1.
John McCain: The nearly dead senator from Arizona broke out the straight-talk express to capture the nomination that was stolen from him back in 2000 when the George W. camp resorted to slander. Referencing his time at the “Hanoi Hilton” during his prisoner of war stage, McCain capitalized on America's sympathy for his wartime struggles and for his fortuitous marrying of a sexy and wealthy beer distributor heir. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: an “in it to win it” 50 to 1.
Ron Paul: The feisty and frustrated representative from Texas was left on the outside looking in from the beginning. Despite the obvious generation gap, Paul's strongest support came from young weekend-binge-drinking college students. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a perfect beer pong season 900,000 to 1.
Mitt Romney: Former Massachusetts governor, he enjoyed the challenge of spending tens of millions of dollars of his own money in an effort to overcome his Mormon anchor. Americans pondered, “which one of his wives would be considered the First Lady?” Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a “Catholic Church advocating for polygamy” 150,000 to 1.
Tom Tancredo: As suspected, his Republican nomination bid was simply a bad joke that got out of hand. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a long-shot-at-best 10 million to 1.
Fred Thompson: Suffering from dementia, he wandered off the set of Law and Order unsupervised and into the Republican primary. He pointed out that Flomax keeps him peeing regularly, not excessively, which was enough for him to receive medical clearance to perform the job of commander in chief. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a “Law and Order winning best comedy” 3,500 to 1.
Tommy Thompson: He was just fucking kidding, or at least Republican voters thought so, as his candidacy was completely unnecessary. Odds of winning the nomination when he entered the race: a humorous 7.5 million to 1.
The After Party
As more and more candidates realized how unpopular they were with the American people, the field narrowed to old man McCain on the center right for the Republicans and the biracial Obama on the left of left for the Democrats. Hillary Clinton, the presumptive Democratic nominee, was left questioning if she really was the first lady to the first black president as nearly everyone, regardless of complexion, voted for Obama.
With their respective nominations secured, the two polar-opposite candidates scheduled less than elaborate press conferences to announce their vice presidential running mates. Obama shocked the electorate with his choice of an old white guy and former primary foe, Delaware Senator Joe “if my lips are moving there is a good chance I am going to offend someone, mostly likely a minority,” Biden. With Biden attending Catholic church, the Obama camp prayed that priests would keep their hands out of the altar boys' pants until after election day.
AS FOR MCCAIN, HE TOOK HIS STRATEGIC ADVISORS TO THE EARLY BIRD AT HIS FAVORITE ARIZONA DINER TO PICK HIS RUNNING MATE. The squash casserole must have been extra special that night, as McCain went with a far more traditional choice in a moose-hunting hockey mom and current governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin. The rifle-using, big-game-killing governor was as comfortable in her designer lumberjack jacket and orange crossing-guard vest as she was in the $180,000 worth of Neiman Marcus clothes she purchased with Republican campaign funds to make her sexier and more physically appealing than her male counterpart. With their sidekicks chosen, it was time to vote!
Election Day
The media was amped for Election Day. For months, speculation had been running wild about whether or not the young and probably not yet qualified Democrat from Illinois could pull off the ultimate upset. AS FOR THE SEVENTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD REPUBLICAN HOPEFUL, JOHN MCCAIN, BY THE TIME THE POLLS CLOSED ON THE WEST COAST AT 8:00 P.M. PST, HE HAD BEEN ASLEEP FOR TWO HOURS. Campaign aides awoke him to let him know that he received millions more votes than anyone could have imagined just a few short months ago. Unfortunately, even with his better-than-expected showing, Obama rocked the vote, winning the popular and electoral vote handily.
All in all, 131,237,603 American adults oddly enough exercised their right not to have another white man join the other white men who had earned the distinction to lead as the president of the United States. To celebrate his historic victory, Obama invited 250,000 of his closest friends, including the enlarging Oprah Winfrey, to join him at Grant Park in Chicago, Illinois. With video of his acceptance speech beaming around the world, it was official: Barack Obama had the kind of change he could believe in.
THE SLACKER'S GUIDE TO U.S. HISTORY FINAL EXAM
They say that those who do not learn history are doomed to repeat it. If that involved repeating JFK's life, there would be many volunteers, right up until the whole shooting situation. To that end, please test your knowledge of U.S. history by completing the following exam:
Questions
This civil rights leader was shot dead while he stood outside on a second story balcony at the less than classy Lorraine Motel.
The United States' favorite adulterer
Her unique ability to sit and do nothing changed civil rights forever.
He traded oil for virgins.
Re-enactment of Prohibition would kill this city's tourism.
This Minnesota congressman nearly kept Ted Kennedy sober.
Did this All-American half-African win an historic election? YES HE DID.
His nickname makes you wonder if he could tie his Johnson in a knot.
The French lent us assistance in the form of equipment and purple silk vests for this war.
The pseudo-intellectual friend of Mother Earth
This family had a hard-on for a desert oasis not named Las Vegas.
Think hard: Who is our most forgettable president?
This president enjoyed slave-girl action at his Mount Vernon estate.
These people were kind enough to volunteer to relocate to a less desirable location to make room for us.
He was an icon for young Southern boys who enjoyed wearing bed sheets.
She was an underage Indian bride.
Much to his dread, the c
ourt ruled he was not even a person, but property.
If your best friend breaks up with his girlfriend it is for you to begin dating her after three months.
Who was so hard up he went door-to-door in the middle of the night?
The settlers to this lost colony were mostly likely lured inland for hot and spicy Anglo-Indian love and then never heard from again.
Canadian-born porn star
America joined this organization so Luxembourg would protect us.
This war saw 2.8 million age-qualified American men have their name pulled from the draft hat.
This former Secretary of State purchased the polar bear playground of Alaska for 1.9 cents an acre.
Sympathizer to the poor Franklin D. Roosevelt signed the Fair Labor Standards Act into law, requiring American workers to receive a get-rich-quick wage of at least an hour for their time and effort while at work
Answers
Martin Luther King, Junior
JFK
Rosa Parks
Saddam Hussein
Las Vegas
Volstead
Obama
Tricky Dick Nixon
Revolutionary
Gore
Bush
McKinley
Washington
Indians
Davis
Sacagawea
Dred Scott
Kosher
Paul Revere
Roanoke
Towers
NATO
World War I
William Seward
25 cents
ABOUT THE SLACKERS
The authors' back-story is littered with empty beer cans, outrageous stunts, and an enthusiasm for making people laugh. College friends, roommates, and fraternity brothers, they headed into the real world after chickening out on a magazine venture in their twenties. One chose the predictable safety of a biweekly paycheck courtesy of corporate America, and the other chose to grab a seat on the unpredictable roller coaster ride sponsored by entrepreneurship. They got married, fertilized their wife's eggs a couple of times, and continued to enrich their long-standing friendship by circling back and creating comically informative books, of which this is the first.
Art Credits
Bathtub ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Tampons ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Beer bottle ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Beer can ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Spur ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Gloves ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Sexy woman ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
High heel ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Truck ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Twin towers ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Sombrero ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Ball and chain ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Bomb ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Cat ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Moon ¢ 2009 Jupiterimages Corporation
Going Out Of Business sign ¢ Ken Brown/123RF
Teabag ¢ Ahmet Ihsan Ariturk /123RF
Bible ¢ M.G. Mooij/123RF
$500 ¢ peterdenovo/123RF
Parental advisory ¢ Dan Talson/123RF
Hunting vest ¢ Blaj Gabriel/123RF
GPS ¢ John Tomaselli/123RF
Credit card ¢ hakakatb/123RF
Vodka bottle ¢ Dmitry Kudryavtsev/123RF
Thong ¢ Vaidas Bucys/123RF
The Slackers Guide to U.S. History Page 19
