He had not suggested anything but that they should be man and wife and together they had undertaken the long, hazardous, exciting journey to Gretna Green.
But the Earl intended nothing of the sort. She believed that what he was offering her was wrong and wicked and also, although it seemed so beautiful, was ugly and degrading.
And yet for the moment she could still feel his lips holding her captive, his arms round her and his heart beating against hers.
“I love him! Oh, Mama, I love him!” Salrina murmured aloud. “How can I give him up?”
She had an irresistible impulse to jump out of bed, go to his room, which she was sure was near to hers, and tell him that the love he was offering her was not enough.
And yet at the same time she could not leave him.
Then, as the hours passed and the candle beside the bed guttered low and gave very little light, she knew that if she saw the Earl again every nerve in her body would be straining towards him.
Since with every breath she drew she wanted him more and more, she might agree to what he was suggesting and find it impossible to refuse anything he asked of her.
With a little cry Salrina sat up in bed.
“I must go away!” she said beneath her breath.
She went to the window and, pulling back the curtains, she saw as the stars were fading that it would not be long before it was dawn.
Almost as if her mother was beside her, helping her, she went to the wardrobe and put on the clothes she had arrived in, her habit and the little white blouse she wore under it, which had been pressed by the maids.
By the time she was dressed the first faint gold of dawn was breaking low in the sky.
She opened the drawer of the dressing table and took out the three hundred guineas she had received for Orion and put it in the pocket of her jacket.
Then, as the dawn brought a faint glow into the bedroom, she very softly opened the door.
As she did so, she realised that the Earl was sleeping only two doors away from her and for a moment she hesitated.
She was leaving him, she would never see him again.
It was an agony beyond anything she had ever imagined she could feel.
Almost as if she was speaking to him she whispered,
“Goodbye! I shall love you all my life – but I love you too much to do what you are – asking of me!”
The tears came into her eyes, but she would not let them fall.
Afraid that she might weaken, she walked along the landing to the top of the stairs and started to descend them carefully, one by one, as if they carried her to the guillotine.
Chapter 7
As she heard the iron gates of the house close behind her, Salrina felt that she was being shut out of Paradise.
Everything had gone more smoothly than she had dared to expect.
She had left the house in Berkeley Square, having asked the night footman who had awoken with a start when she reached the hall,
“Can you tell me the way to the nearest livery stables?”
He was still half asleep and, embarrassed at being caught off guard, he had stammered as he said,
“It be the White Bear, miss. You’ll find it just down the road in Piccadilly. Shall I get a carriage for you?”
“No, thank you, I will walk,” Salrina replied.
Apologetically he said,
“I’m sorry I were asleep, miss. I’ll get into trouble if Mr. Danvers ’ears about it.”
Salrina smiled.
“I will not give you away,” she promised. “In return will you do something for me?”
“Yes, miss, of course, miss!”
“Then please don’t tell anybody that you have seen me or where I have gone unless his Lordship asks you himself. Then you must tell the truth, otherwise please don’t volunteer information.”
There was a pause as if the footman, who was little more than a boy, struggled to understand what she meant.
Then he said,
“I won’t say nothin’, miss.”
“Thank you,” Salrina said, “and I promise I will say nothing about you.”
She smiled at him again and hurried through Berkeley Square as quickly as she could.
She found her way into Piccadilly and the first person she met, who was a road-sweeper, told her where the livery stables were.
It was a large establishment and, although it was still so early in the morning, there were ostlers moving about and a man who seemed to be in charge speaking in a sharp voice.
When he realised that Salrina was a customer, he was more cordial, but she thought that he looked somewhat disparagingly at her shabby habit.
It was this, she was sure, that made him insist on having half the fare to Fleet Hall in advance.
She was horrified at how expensive it would be, but there was nothing she could do but pay it out of the precious three hundred guineas that she had sworn she would never touch.
However, once she was on her way she knew that she had done the right thing and what both her mother and her father would have wished.
At the same time, as every mile the horses travelled put a greater distance between her and the Earl, she knew that she had left her heart behind and it would never be wholly hers again.
The horses, although the post chaise was very light, were much slower than the Earl’s superfine well bred team and, when they drew up outside the gates of Fleet Hall, it was three hours and twenty minutes since they had left London.
It was, however, still early enough for Salrina to be sure that nobody in London would yet have missed her and her maid would be merely waiting for her to ring the bell for her breakfast.
As she thought of the delicious tray brought up to her bedside, the silver coffee pot and cream jug and the cup and plates of Crown Derby, she knew that it was one of the beautiful things she had left behind and would never know again.
The gatekeeper hurried to open the iron gates and then there was the sight of the house in the morning sunshine, looking even more enchanting and more magical, Salrina thought, than it had done before.
Because it was a pain to look at it and to know who it belonged to, she tried to shut her eyes, but even so, she was aware of the pole on which the Earl’s Standard flew when he was at home.
She thought it was like him, strong and upright against the sky, and to anybody like herself out of reach.
She went straight to the stables and Jupiter nuzzled against her affectionately as if he was telling her how much he had missed her.
Having thanked the grooms and given them one of her precious guineas to be divided amongst them, she set off down the drive, knowing that the sooner she disappeared into obscurity the safer she would be.
As she rode home, finding it far easier to travel cross-country not having to lead another horse, she jumped hedges and travelled as the crow flies.
It was not yet noon when she had her first sight of the thatched cottages of the village she had known all her life.
In the centre stood the grey stone Norman Church where she had been christened and where her mother had been laid to rest.
All the more now she knew that however much she may suffer she had done the right thing.
It would have been unthinkable to make her father or mother ashamed of her and to abandon the ideals that she had been brought up on.
Nevertheless, to think of the Earl was an agony and she knew that whatever he might feel for her, she loved him with every breath she drew and with every thought that entered her mind.
She rode in through the gate into The Manor, which was never closed because the hinges were rusty, and up the narrow drive which was overgrown with weeds, while the grass on either side was uncut.
Then in front of her she saw the ancient grey stone house that was her home.
‘This is where I belong,’ she told herself defiantly, almost as if she was speaking to the Earl. ‘I could not bear to be ashamed to come back or that my father should disown me.’
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She rode into the stables and Len grinned at her in a way that told her he was delighted to see her.
As she dismounted, a man she recognised as Rosemary’s coachman came from the stables.
“‘Mornin’, miss,” he said. “I’ll stable your ’orse for you.”
“Thank you,” Salrina said.
After patting Jupiter she took her bundle from the back of his saddle and walked towards the house.
She felt as she entered the untidy hall with its ancient rugs and threadbare carpet that it was a vivid contrast to the unbridled grandeur and luxury of both Fleet Hall and the Earl’s house in Berkeley Square.
Then she told herself fiercely that that was unimportant compared with the fact that here in The Manor there was not only love but the pride that had made her mother and father refuse to be crushed or even depressed by their poverty.
They had kept on laughing because their love was much more important than anything else.
She wondered if her father was downstairs or in his bedroom.
She thought that she heard voices and opened the door of the sitting room, which overlooked the garden and which they always used.
The sunshine was flooding in through the windows and for the moment it was hard to focus her eyes.
Then she saw sitting at the end of the room with her father, who had his foot resting on a stool, talking earnestly so that their faces were very close together, was Rosemary.
It took them a second or so to realise that she was there.
As they turned to look at her Salrina, had the strange feeling that she had intruded on something very intimate.
It was just a passing thought and, before she could really formulate it, Rosemary had jumped to her feet to move towards her.
“Dearest Salrina,” she exclaimed, “you are back! I am so glad! Your father and I have been very worried about you!”
“Yes, I am back,” Salrina said dully, “and everything is all right. We saved His Royal Highness.”
She kissed her father, who put his arms around her to say,
“How could you have been involved in anything so horrifying? I could hardly believe what Rosemary told me was true.”
“It was true, Papa,” Salrina said, “and the Frenchman was about to stab His Royal Highness with a stiletto when the Earl prevented it.”
Her father’s arms tightened.
Then he said,
“Well, thank God it’s all over and you are home safely. Never again will I allow you to go away on your own and let this sort of thing happen.”
He spoke sternly, but Salrina knew how worried he had been.
She kissed him again and, because she had no wish to talk about herself, she said,
“I hope Rosemary has looked after you and prevented you from trying to do too much!”
Her father’s eyes twinkled.
“She bullies me almost as much as you do!”
“That is unfair!” Rosemary exclaimed, “But I have carried out Salrina’s instructions and tried to make you get well quickly.”
“You have been very kind,” Lord Milborne said, “and in fact a ministering angel in every possible way.”
The way he spoke and the caressing note in his voice that Salrina had not heard for a long time made her look first at him and then at Rosemary.
The expression in her eyes told her what she felt that she should have known already, that Rosemary was in love with her father and had been when she used to come to The Manor to give her lessons.
Salrina had been too young to be very observant about other people’s emotions, but now it flashed through her mind that, when her father came into the room, Rosemary’s eyes had seemed to light up and she was always eager to take him to the stables to see if she could help him in any way.
‘If Papa marries Rosemary – ’ she told herself and then stopped.
Of course the idea was absurd and she was sure that such a thing had never entered his mind.
And yet she had the unmistakable feeling that they wanted to be alone together.
“I will go to see Nanny,” she said, “and tell her I am back. And actually, as I have had no breakfast, I am very hungry.”
“Perhaps we could have luncheon early,” Rosemary suggested.
Salrina did not answer, but hurried away from the sitting room down the passage to the kitchen.
As she expected, Nanny was preparing luncheon and to her surprise the young footman who had been on the box of Rosemary’s carriage was helping her.
“So you’re back!” Nanny cried as Salrina appeared. “And about time too! And what have you been up to, I’d like to know? We’ve all been in a real flutter about you.”
“I am quite safe, Nanny, as you see,” Salrina said, kissing her, “but I have had no breakfast and your cooking smells delicious – ”
“You’ll have to wait for it!” Nanny interrupted. “But you’ll find some biscuits in the tin.”
“Salrina walked to the tin that had always stood on the dresser ever since she had been a child, but in the last years when they had been so hard up, it had always been empty.
Now to her surprise when she lifted the lid she found not only the shortbread biscuits that Nanny made and which she had always enjoyed, but also macaroons with an almond in the centre of them.
She looked at them with surprise and, as if she knew what Salrina was going to ask, Nanny sent the footman to fetch her some milk from the dairy.
“What has been happening, Nanny?” Salrina asked.
“Now don’t you go makin’ any trouble, Miss Salrina, because you know what his Lordship’s like about acceptin’ things he can’t reciprocate! But Mrs. Whitbread says to me when she comes here,
“‘I am not goin’ to be an imposition on the household with three extra mouths to feed, so we will pay for our keep and it’s just as easy for you to feed his Lordship with what you feed us and I will see that he eats what’s put in front of him’.”
Salrina laughed.
“You make her sound as if she is Papa’s Governess!”
“All I’m concerned with,” Nanny said tartly, “is that we’ve had some decent food to eat for a change. We’ve got chickens and young lamb and the Master’s already beginnin’ to look a different man!”
Salrina did not say any more. She took two macaroons out of the tin, put the lid back on tightly and said,
“I am going upstairs, Nanny. If I stay here I shall eat everything before it even reaches the table!”
“Don’t you dare touch anythin’, Miss Salrina!” Nanny said sharply.
But she was smiling and, as Salrina went up the stairs, she thought that even Nanny looked younger and better because she was having good food for a change.
She went into her bedroom to take off her riding habit and put on one of the old frocks she had worn for years, which were faded with so many washings and were too tight for her.
She forced herself not to think of the gowns that she had been able to borrow from the Earl’s sister, but went downstairs to find her father sitting with a glass of wine in his hand, which was something he had not been able to do for a long time.
“You must have a glass of what the doctor has ordered for me,” Rosemary said. “As I said to your father, if there is one thing I hate, it’s drinking alone.”
There was a look in her eyes that told Salrina that it was her tactful way of bringing wine into the house without her father’s pride being hurt.
She sipped a little of the delicious golden wine trying not to recall the champagne that the Earl had given her.
And she tried too not to remember him sitting at the dining room table laughing with Lord Charles with a glass of brandy in his hand.
For the first time in her life, when luncheon was finished, she found that she virtually had nothing to do.
She learnt that Rosemary’s coachman had taken over the stables and was seeing to the horses and the footman, when he was not helping Nanny, was exercising them.
> It therefore meant that if Salrina wanted to ride it would be for pleasure and not obligatory because it had to be done.
Although they were trying to include her all the time in their conversation, Salrina knew perceptively that her father and Rosemary wanted to be alone.
She therefore went up to her bedroom and sat disconsolately on her bed.
She was aware that, if her father did love Rosemary and she loved him, it would be the best possible thing that could happen where he was concerned.
But she knew what a great difference it would make to her own life.
Later in the afternoon, when she came in from the garden, she found Rosemary waiting for her in the hall.
She asked her to go with her into the morning room, which was rarely used because it made an extra room to clean, saying,
“There is something I want to tell you, Salrina.”
She looked worried and then, as Salrina did not speak, she said,
“I am afraid you will be upset.”
‘‘If you are going to tell me that you love Papa and he loves you, I will not be upset but very very glad!”
‘‘Do you mean that? Do you really mean it?” Rosemary cried.
“Of course I mean it!”
Rosemary looked at her as if to make sure that she was speaking the truth. Then, as the tears ran down her cheeks, she said,
“Oh, dearest, I am so happy, I can hardly believe after the long years of misery that the man I have loved all my life really cares for me.”
“I always thought that you were very fond of Papa.”
“I love him, I love him with all my heart,” Rosemary said. “I always have. I never imagined a man could be so handsome, so charming, and yet – ”
She stopped.
Then with an effort she went on,
“ – and yet I knew how much he loved your mother and how happy they were. Only in the stories I used to tell myself was there a happy ending for me.”
Salrina put her arms around Rosemary, kissed her and said,
“Now I know that you will both be very happy. He has been so miserable without Mama and everything falling about our heads.”
“That is another thing I want to talk to you about.”
Paradise Found Page 13
