I mean it, I really mean it. I want my life back in Vegas, but I want my child to be safe even more. And I’m scared for Roman. Something shifted back there, in the bathroom. Lust and affection replaced weariness. It wasn’t just the lipstick which was smeared away.
Roman’s face has the same expression again: conflicted, unsure. But then he pulls his hand away from mine and reaches into his shirt pocket, taking out a folded-up envelope. “This man has dealt with North Korea,” Roman says. “This isn’t some dime-store thief we’re talking about, some biker gangster. This is an international fuckin’ criminal. He’ll get to us in New York. He’d get to us in France. Hell, he’d get to us in Bangkok. Anywhere we go, Lily. I don’t want to do this. It’s for the best, though. That’s the only reason I’d even consider it.” He unfolds the envelope and slides it across the table. “Inside is a driver’s license, social security, bank details . . . all the stuff you need to make a new life for yourself.”
I don’t open the envelope, just keep staring at Roman. After everything—being wrenched from my safe, if busy, life; losing my best friend; being witness to murder and violence; finding out I have a life inside me to protect—the idea of being parted from Roman turns my mind to dark places. Even if Roman is arguably the cause of everything that happened (except our baby, that was both of us), even if it is Roman’s violent life which is putting me in danger, I’d much rather stay with him. The devil you know . . .
“You’re serious,” I say, “aren’t you?”
He nods. “I am.”
“Is there anything I can do to change your mind?”
Roman shakes his head. “I wouldn’t even be suggesting this if I hadn’t thought it through. I’m not making this decision lightly, Lily. It fuckin’ kills me to have to do it, but it’s the way we survive, it’s the way you can reclaim your old life. When the job is done, you can become Lily Fields again.”
“What’s my name now?” I ask.
“Betty Baker.”
“Better Baker . . .” I meet his eye, and then begin to laugh. It’s a forced laugh at first, but then I keep saying it in my head: “Betty Baker, Betty Baker, Betty Baker.” And the laughter becomes real. I lean over and giggle madly, not caring when I feel the outraged gazes of the family on my back.
“Did you have to pick an alliterative name?”
“I was going to pick Gloria Gilbert, but I thought it sounded too fake.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “You’re full of surprises,” I say. Gloria Gilbert is a character from The Beautiful and Damned, one of the novels I was reading back at the house.
“Can’t a man like me know the name of a character from an old book?” he shoots back, allowing himself a grin. The grin disappears when he reaches into his pocket and takes out the car keys. “I’m leaving you the car.” He sides them across the table, where they come to rest beside the envelope. It’s not an envelope though, is it? It’s a new life, Betty Baker, a new woman. Betty Baker, not the daughter of a knight in blue, not the daughter of a woman who died of brain cancer, not a devoted nurse. Betty Baker, jobless, pregnant, with a hazy past fleeing into a city she does not know. “The car’s registered in your name,” Roman adds.
“How long have you had this contingency plan?” I mutter, hovering my hand over the envelope and the keys. If I take them, everything changes, I know. If I take them, I am immutably a part of Roman’s mad life. If I take them, I can no longer claim to be a captive, to be along for the ride; I am part of the ride at that point. What I should do—what countless people would advise me to do—is to find the nearest police officer and confess everything. But then I remember the bullet-ridden house, and I pick up the envelope and keys.
“Contingency plan?” Roman laughs, but it’s a dark laugh. “Sorry, but it’s damn strange hearing words like that come from your mouth, Lily. Like we’re brothers-in-arms or somethin’.”
“Well, maybe we are.” I smile, but just like his laugh, it’s dark.
“I’ve had it since the hotel room,” he says. “I always like to have a backup plan.”
He stands up. I have no choice but to stand up, too, and follow him outside. The sun has fully risen now, lighting the rolling bumps of Kit Carson and making the city look very small.
“Okay,” Roman says, as we stare at each other over a meter of asphalt. “This is it.”
“For how long?” I say, hating the way my voice chokes, trembles. I need to be strong now. For our baby. But if I can be strong in the hospital, it’s because I have learned the horrors of the hospital. I have learned its bloody corners and its bloody valleys, I have swam in its bloody seas and I have bathed in its bloody showers; horrors there may have been, in my old life, countless horrors on certain unlucky days, but the horror which rises up before me at Roman’s parting is the horror of the unknown. What will happen to us? What will happen to my baby?
Roman shrugs. “I honestly don’t know, Lily.”
“What’s to stop me driving back to Vegas?” I ask.
“Nothing,” he says. “Just my word. You won’t be safe there. But I won’t stop you. I’m done keeping you captive. But I know you believe me, I know you trust me, and I know you’ll do the right thing.”
He puts his hands in his pockets, and makes to turn away.
“Wait,” I say, walking toward him. “You weren’t going to leave me like that, were you?”
I lean up, standing on my tiptoes, and kiss him. I kiss him on the lips, breathing in the scent of him, tasting him, trying to remember every tiny detail. Then the kiss breaks off; I don’t know who does it.
“I’ll be seeing you, Betty,” Roman says.
“I’ll be seeing you, Sam,” I reply.
He grins, and I try and grin back. But I can’t.
When I’m sitting behind the wheel of the Prius, I glance in the rear-view to wave one last time at Roman, but he’s not there. I turn back to the road. I have a choice to make, now. I can turn back to Vegas, or I can go on to Carson. I can stay Lily, or I can become Betty. The smart thing to do, the proper thing, the thing which would be advised to me if I asked any reasonable person, would be to return to Vegas as quickly as possible and report my kidnapping.
But Roman is right. I trust him now, and I believe him. And even if I didn’t, a bullet-ridden house is not something you can ignore. Bracing myself for a new life, I turn toward Carson, a tiny car on a tiny road in the shadow of the mountain.
Chapter Eighteen
Lily
September, October, November, December, January . . .
And now February, a few days before Valentine’s Day and here I am with a belly the size of a beach ball sitting behind a desk with a headset on my head staring at a computer screen. All around me, people are chattering. Markus sits at the head of this gathering of chatterers like some twisted conductor, his belly even bigger than mine, his face squashed up and piggish, his hair combed-over and sweaty. I have to sit far back from the desk so that I don’t squeeze Bump, who is so giant now it’s difficult to believe I have one month left until my due date.
“I understand that you are upset, sir,” I am saying, without even really listening to myself. “I am truly sorry, but you have to understand that your policy does not cover you for natural wear, just—”
“No, you listen here, missy!” the man barks at me. I always wonder what sorts of people these are, who have the capacity to scream at me like I’m some kind of pond scum, not human at all. “I paid one-thousand dollars for this couch and another one-hundred for the insurance policy so you will sort it out, or I’ll go to the papers! I will! I will!”
I sigh, silently. That’s a skill I picked up pretty soon after starting this job. Sighing silently is a necessity when you’re on the phone with assholes. I glance at the clock. Five fifteen, fifteen minutes until I can get out of this hellhole and get to my OBGYN meeting.
“I’m afraid your policy does not cover you for natural wear, sir. You have had this couch for—let me check—seven ye
ars. It is natural that it will wear a little over this time.”
“Wear, wear, wear!” the man snaps. “What are you, a parrot? Is that the only word you know, parrot? Is it? Is it? Parrot, parrot, parrot! See, I can do it too!”
Sighing surreptitiously, I repeat myself, which only prompts the kind gentleman to call me a parrot a few more times. Eventually, the call ends with him escalating the matter up the chain, as it often does. Then five thirty hits and I climb to my feet, no easy feat these days with Bump kicking and jostling inside of me.
I am on my way out, in the narrow hallway which leads from the cramped fluorescent-lit office to the chipped-brick, poorly-paved, grim-looking parking lot, when Markus calls after me. His belly jiggles as he runs and a flush of sweat creeps up his neck to his red face. “Wait a sec!” Flustered, he wipes sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand.
“Yes?” I say, keeping my voice polite. That’s Betty Baker for you: Ms. Polite, Ms. Mouse, Ms. No Offence. Just behind Markus, there’s a glassed notice board. In it, I can see my reflection. I hate it. Bleached blonde hair, face plastered in makeup, wearing a frumpy pregnancy dress. The dress I don’t mind. But the hair and the makeup: it just isn’t me.
“Betty.” Markus drawls, leaning closer to me than I would like. “I just wanted to say, well . . . you’re single, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” I say, though I wish with all my heart that Roman was here, standing between me and this man.
“Good.” He smiles. Markus has made a few passes at me before, even going so far as to try and slap me on the ass once; I only just managed to dodge out of the way. The fact that he’s pretending now that he’s some kind of nervous nice guy is worrying, as though he has no recollection of being a slime ball. “Because I just wanted to say that you look really fucking hot today. Like really fucking hot. You know . . .” He glances behind him, to make sure nobody is approaching. “I just wondered if you wanted to come out with me one night, maybe see where it goes?”
I swallow sick, make my face a nice Ms. Polite face, and then politely shake my head. “No, thank you. I have plans.”
“I haven’t said when—”
I turn away, make toward the car park, ignoring Markus’ muttered, “Stuck-up bitch.”
I climb into the Prius, which is full of takeout wrappers, discarded makeup containers, and other paraphernalia of a half-lived life. I pull out of the parking lot and drive through Carson to my birthing class, where I learn how to solo myself through a pregnancy without the help of the father. I always feel depressed as I drive toward these classes, especially when I pass couples walking hand in hand, going into movie theaters together. I think about Lily, about her life back in Vegas, working nonstop; I don’t want that, either. I want something in between. I want to work a shift at the hospital and then have Roman meet me so we can go to the movies together. I want him to lay his hand on my belly and tell me he’s happy everything’s going okay. But I haven’t heard from Roman, not once.
I’m starting to fear he might be dead.
I stop the car outside the center, trying to push this thought far down where it doesn’t have to be real. But, I reflect as I pass the colorfully-decorated desk area and into the activity room, equally colorful, the possibility is all too real. Of course he might be dead. Of course Darius might have gotten to him. The last time I saw him—that morning at the diner, which seems hazy now, the life of a different woman—he talked about how dangerous Darius is. A dealer of arms, a man who’s dealt with North Korea, a psychopath, Acid Man. I shiver, dropping my handbag on the hardwood floor. Roman, dead . . . Roman, the father of my child . . .
“Are you okay, dear?”
Roxanne approaches like a tidal wave, a mammoth of a woman carrying triplets, with a stick insect of a husband hovering at her shoulder. I have never learned the husband’s name because he never talks, except to whisper close to Roxanne’s ears. Roxanne is wide, tall, and huge. Her hair is lank and grey-tinged blonde and her eyes are soft and doughy. She looks about sixty though I know for a fact she’s only thirty; she made a point of showing me her driving license the first time we met.
“No man today, dear?” Roxanne asks, keeping her voice low. It’s always the same with Roxanne. Roxanne loves bullying Betty, and the pathetic part is, Betty takes it. Betty takes it because Betty knows that if she kicks up any kind of fuss in any aspect of her life, it might draw attention to her, and she must avoid that at all costs.
“No, Roxanne,” I reply, keeping my voice chirpy. The façade is that this is an inside joke between us; the façade is that we’re good friends and we like to joke about how I am the only one here without a partner. But we both know that she is being mean—that she enjoys being mean—but we both pretend it’s harmless.
“Oh, when will she ever bring a man?” Roxanne turns to her stick of a husband, who nods feebly. “Bringing a baby alone into this world . . . I just don’t know how you’re going to do it.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say shortly.
On the other side of the room, women and their husbands or boyfriends are filing in. The instructor, a bright-faced lady who has had seven children, is setting up at the front. Soon we’ll be on our backs, practicing breathing and talking in minute detail about giving birth. But not before Roxanne has put in a few finals words: “I just . . . you’re so brave, Betty, really you are. If I didn’t have my husband, I don’t know what I would do. I think I would cry myself to sleep every night! I really do! But I’m sure you’ll manage. Yes, I’m sure you will.”
She leaves me with that, and then the class proceeds.
As we go through the exercises and the discussions—and a few of the women look at me in pity, even if they don’t mean to—I fantasize about Roman walking through the door. I see him, framed in the doorway, surrounded on all sides by colorful posters and signs, and then walking into the room and kneeling next to me. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he’d say, taking my hand. Everyone would be impressed by him: by how big and strong and handsome he is, not at all like Roxanne’s stick. But of course that doesn’t happen, and as I waddle out of the center toward my car, Roxanne calls after me, “Good luck!”
Finally, at around eight o‘clock, I climb out of my car and walk down the street to my apartment building. Even the building looks dark and grim in the blinking streetlamps, a squat structure of grey with graffiti on the walls. The graffiti was meant to be modern and cool-looking, a program by the building owner to help with some government schooling project. But it has chipped away and more graffiti has been added by passersby until it is an ugly mishmash. I manage to open the main door after messing with the lock a few times, and finally shouldering it open, as I have to do most days. Then I walk up the stairs to the fourth story. I haven’t written a letter to the owner about the elevator, but I’ve overheard other people who have, but nothing has happened.
I push open my door, which is so flimsy I sometimes think it will just come right off the hinges, and then lock and double-lock it behind me. Finally, I collapse onto the couch. The apartment is a tiny one-bedroom, the living room almost in the kitchen, the bathroom a closet off to one side, the bedroom a narrow room behind me. My old apartment was full of flavors of Lily; this apartment is as bare as the day I moved in except for my clothes and my makeup and some groceries. I switch on the old box TV to some sitcom and then go into the kitchen and microwave a ready meal. I eat that on a tray in front of the TV, wash up, and then sit down on the couch and watch TV for the rest of the night.
But I don’t watch TV, not really. It’s the same every night. I am staring at the TV, at the flashing lights of some pointless, mundane, routine sitcom, listening to the canned laughter and the formulaic jokes, but really I am thinking back to that home in the suburbs. At the time, it was my prison. At the time, I was a captive there. But when I think of it now, I miss it. I miss how spacious it was. I miss how I didn’t have to listen to neighbors fucking and swearing and snoring. But most of all I miss Roman.
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I was surprised at first by how much I missed him. I knew I liked him, and we had a connection, and he is my child’s father. Yes, I knew all that, but I didn’t expect this violent ache in my breast, this harsh longing which reminds me every hour of every day that Roman is not here, with me, that Roman might be dead. I tell myself to stop thinking like that, but it’s true. The possibility is too likely to be ignored. And if that is true . . .
I stand up, go into the bedroom and crawl into bed, lying in the darkness and listening to the sounds of the apartments around me. If Roman is gone, what does that mean for me—for us? If Roman is gone, will Darius still want to hurt me? If Roman is gone, can I return to Vegas, to Lily’s life, or am I doomed to forever be Betty Baker?
BAD BOY’S SURPRISE BABY: The Choppers MC Page 58
