“I’m sure gonna miss this good cooking,” she told Rita. “I wish I could get a to-go box.”
The others just smiled at her rambling. The air was thick with tension, and Shan was the only one who seemed oblivious. Even the cowboys picked up on it. They ate in silence then went back to work.
“When does your flight leave?” Rita asked from across the table, for Madison’s ears only.
She met her gaze briefly. “Nine a.m.” She dropped her napkin over her plate.
Rita nodded. “I’ll make you a special breakfast.”
Madison smiled. The older woman showed her love not through affection, but through food. She couldn’t turn down the gesture. “I’d appreciate that.”
Carsten pushed his chair back abruptly. “Thank you for a delicious dinner, Rita.” He left the room.
Madison wondered what his plans were. Now that she and Shan were leaving, would he go back to Germany? Or make his home at the ranch? He fit so well in both places. Madison’s heart stirred for the first time in weeks. She wished he would stay at the ranch. She felt better knowing he was on the same continent. She didn’t have a tangible reason why except for the longing in her heart that would always be denied.
After the dishes were cleared, Shan excused herself, saying she needed to use the phone now that it was safe to talk freely of her whereabouts. Madison watched her friend leave, knowing that they would both have a lot of calls to make once they got back to the office. Their clients were probably feeling abandoned. She could understand the concept.
Pushing aside the bitterness, Madison winced at the thought of all the work that lay in front of them. Hopefully their business wouldn’t be permanently affected by their extended leave of absence.
She wandered into the living room, subconsciously looking for Carsten. She saw at a glance that the door to the master bedroom was shut, and she wondered if he had gone to bed early in order to avoid a goodbye. That didn’t seem like him. Carsten was polite, almost to a fault. He would be more likely to sacrifice his own emotional well-being in order to do the right thing, rather than take the easy way out.
Madison stood in the center of the living room, staring into the dark fireplace. The wind howled outside, rattling the windows, and it sent a chill down her back. She busied herself making a fire, trying not to think of the fact that it would be for the last time on the Running R.
Grabbing her favorite blanket, she curled up on the floor in front of the fire and watched the flames dance. Her body warmed instantly, but her heart felt frozen solid. She was trapped, a prisoner of her own will.
Laying her head against the cool of the bricks, Madison closed her eyes, listening to the fire crack and hiss as it devoured the wood. Time passed, and she slept.
~*~
Carsten lay in bed with eyes wide open. He had gone to his room hours before, too emotionally and physically drained to face a goodbye with Madison. He would put off the inevitable until the morning, when he would drive both of the girls to the airport.
He rolled over on his side and closed his eyes, willing sleep to come. Being awake was too painful. He tried to pray, but his racing thoughts got in the way. Restless, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stood. Maybe a glass of water would help.
He made his way down the hall in the dark, not wanting to disturb Rita, who slept in the room across the way. A flickering light from the living room caught his attention, and he frowned. Was that a fire? He quickened his step.
Dull embers burned in the fireplace. To his surprise, he found Madison curled up, asleep on the floor near the hearth, wrapped up in a blanket and still wearing her clothes from dinner. Her mouth hung open a little, and her tangled blonde hair covered half of her face.
Carsten smiled in spite of his emotional overload. She was so gorgeous. Did she have any idea? He watched the steady rise and fall of her chest as she slept, a peaceful expression on her face. Probably the first peace she’d had in months. His heart ached at the thought of all she’d been through. To be stalked, taken across the country, kidnapped, and then to find out she was adopted…it was too much for anyone to process. No wonder she felt lost.
Quietly, he crept over to Madison’s spot on the floor and brushed the hair off her face. She stirred, moving her arms out in a stretch and then curling back up into a new position. Carsten tugged the blanket over her shoulders and then sat a few feet away, resting his back against the bricks.
He watched her as time passed. The clock became his enemy. He felt completely content, sitting and studying his sleeping angel. He never wanted the night to end.
He breathed a prayer of gratitude at the chance to observe her before she walked out of his life forever. The thought twisted his stomach. How could he stand to let her go? To watch her leave…and probably never come back. What reason would she have ever to return? Madison had experienced nothing positive on his ranch. Only deception, danger, and tears.
Though, there had been some good moments, he had to admit. He closed his eyes as the memories flashed behind his eyelids. Her first horseback ride, the way she enjoyed herself yet tried to hide it. Shopping in town…that little black dress.
He groaned and opened his eyes. No sense going back to that fateful night. Carsten turned his gaze back to the one who unknowingly owned his heart, and memorized her features.
~*~
Madison woke abruptly. Where was she? She stiffened in alarm then sat up fast.
“You’re OK.” Carsten’s voice registered first, then his gentle squeeze of her hand. He released it almost as fast as he’d picked it up.
She sat back, pulling the blanket up over her body. “What time is it?”
He checked his watch. “Almost three. You fell asleep.”
“Madison pushed her hair away from her face in a tired motion, feeling groggy and like the weight of the world rested on her shoulders. But she was free—why was she still heavy? She began to stand. “Why didn’t you wake me up?”
“I wanted to spend time with you.”
She stopped. “I was asleep.”
“I take what I can get.” His sad smile matched everything she felt inside.
She remained seated, though she shifted into a new position, trying to convince herself to stand up and walk away.
Easier said than done. She inhaled deeply. “I should go. My plane leaves in a few hours. I have to finish packing.”
Carsten nodded, looking at his hands. “I know, mein angel. I’m very much aware.”
Something inside her shifted at Carsten’s soft admission. Like a brick coming down. She struggled to put it back. She couldn’t afford to feel anything, not now when she was almost safely back in the chaos of New York, far away from the countryside and a certain foreign man who had stolen her heart.
Carsten reached out tentatively, gripping Madison’s hand in his. “I need to say something to you.”
Madison began to withdraw her hand, knowing instinctively where the conversation was going. She couldn’t handle it. “No—” Her protest fell on deaf ears.
“You own a piece of my heart, Maddie. You always will, no matter how far away you go. You first staked a claim on a snowy night in Germany, and you further brand me every time you look at me the way you do. The way you did.”
Madison stopped trying to pull away and closed her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks as he continued. His words were like a balm to her heart, but the initial application stung and made her want to jerk away.
She needed to hear this. But oh, it hurt.
“I know you’re scared, I know you need time and space, and that’s why I’m not going to push you. Or follow you. I want what’s best for you.”
His grip on her hands tightened, and Madison opened her eyes to find Carsten swallowing hard. A tear slipped from the corner of his eye, and he pressed a kiss into her palm.
“I’m going to be here. If you feel lost in the city, you have a home here, with me. Please remember that.”
Madison
nodded, knowing she could never return to the ranch. Not unless she was ready to fully commit. Would she ever be healed enough to do so?
She couldn’t stand crushing the little hope to which Carsten seemed to be clinging. So she stayed silent.
“I love you, Maddie. I love you in a way that I’ll never love anyone else, no matter what the future brings.”
Tears flowed freely down her face, and Carsten drew Madison into his embrace. She hugged him back, clinging fiercely, knowing that the moment she let go, her fairytale would end.
27
Madison didn’t sleep that night. After her conversation with Carsten, she went and lay in her bed until dawn, the events of the past several months running through her mind like a record on repeat.
When the sun began streaming through the edges of the curtain, spraying patterns of light on the hardwood floor, she got up. She went through the motions of getting ready for the day, feeling as if she were in daze. When she had procrastinated as long as possible, she dragged her suitcases down the stairs. Rita was putting the final touches on breakfast, which smelled heavenly.
Though the food tasted delicious, there was a dark cloud looming over the breakfast table. Even Shan felt the tension this time, and rambled on in an attempt to lighten the mood, cracking jokes about “getting back to civilization.” Madison couldn’t determine exactly how she felt. One glance into Carsten’s piercing blue eyes and she knew what was in his heart. Rita tried to put on a cheery face but even her best efforts seemed forced and unnatural.
Finally, the clock chimed eight a.m. It was time to leave for the airport. Shan and Madison argued with Carsten, trying to convince him to let them take a bus, but he would have none of it. He loaded their luggage into the Jeep, and motioned for them to make their goodbyes. Shan hugged Rita briefly, an act that caused the woman’s eyes to open wide with surprise, but she seemed to enjoy the attention nonetheless.
Shan headed for the Jeep, while Madison turned to face Rita. “I don’t know what to say.”
Rita nodded, lips pursed. “You’ll be back.”
Madison didn’t have the heart to argue with her, so she just held out her arms. The two women embraced, and Madison felt a tear drip onto her neck. “I’ll be seeing you.” Rita turned abruptly back to the house.
Feeling as if her limbs were made of lead, Madison climbed into the front of the vehicle. She buckled in, and Carsten started the engine. She kept her head turned away to hide the tears. Her heart screamed at her through a flurry of emotions, and Madison knew if she stopped to listen, she’d never make it out of town. She turned the dial on the radio and cranked up the volume. They rode to the airport to the tune of an old country song.
The drive took up a solid half hour, though to Madison it sped by as quickly as the passing scenery outside her window. Carsten parked the car in the short-term lot and ushered Shan and her inside the small airport, while somehow managing all the luggage. Madison’s heart swelled as she watched him check their bags and hoist the carry-ons onto the security belt. He was always such a gentleman. Her stomach fluttered and she wondered if she was doing the right thing.
Carsten flashed a badge and was able to accompany them to the gate. With each step, a war raged inside Madison. Did she listen to her head, or her heart? Her mind was screaming at her to protect, to withdraw, to run away, to avoid pain at all costs. Her heart was tempting her to stay, seducing her with visions of a life with Carsten, safely tucked into his arms for the remainder of her life. But it couldn’t be.
She was too broken.
“That’s us!” Shan announced. Madison shook her head to clear it. She hadn’t even heard the announcement over the intercom. Willing herself to pay attention, she followed Shan toward the gate, flight ticket in hand. Shan went first, surrendering her ticket to the attendant and practically bouncing up and down with anticipation.
Madison was slower to follow, her feet like weights. She handed the woman her ticket, which the woman stamped and handed back. “Have a nice flight,” she cooed through a layer of lipstick.
Madison shoved the pass in her back pocket and turned to face Carsten, who handed her the remaining carry-on duffel bag. His Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat, and Madison knew he was fighting back tears. Her mind raced back to the night before, where they held each other near the fire. He had cried freely then, and she knew if he wasn’t in public, he would again.
“Thanks for everything.” It seemed to understated. But she wasn’t sure what else to say. She fumbled with the strap of her duffel instead.
Carsten nodded. “It was my pleasure.” His gaze met hers and said everything his voice didn’t. Don’t go.
Madison took a deep breath. She felt as if all the air had been sucked out of the room. Could she really get on the plane and leave? She wanted to trust him, she wanted to step fearlessly into the future and believe that they truly had something special, that he wouldn’t hurt her like her father had… but she couldn’t.
There had been too many lies, too many secrets, and too many emotional upheavals in too short a time for her to take that step right now. If she tried, and he betrayed her like her dad did—she’d never recover.
Her heart remained locked, impenetrable behind her carefully constructed wall.
She glanced away, and the moment was gone. She boarded the plane, stubbornness and pain denying her a glance back.
~*~
Carsten watched from the window as Madison’s plane taxied down the runway. His soul felt like it was dying, but he forced himself not to give in to the misery. He watched through a misty gaze as the plane lifted off, carried Madison away from him. She was really gone. He accepted the fact, partly because he trusted God and His ultimate plan, and partly because he had no other choice.
He waited by the window for a moment longer and then turned away. He knew this was goodbye, not because he couldn’t find her if he wanted to; his resources and connections guaranteed him that much, but because she didn’t want to be found. He’d promised he wouldn’t follow her.
He needed coffee. He headed to the airport restaurant, and bought the biggest cup of black coffee the café offered. It cleared his head, but did little for his heart. He sipped it slowly as he wandered through the gift shop, picking up magazines without really seeing the titles and flipping aimlessly through postcards on the turnstile. He had no reason to be here still, it wasn’t as if Madison was coming back. He just couldn’t face the ranch without her. Once he got home, it would be official. The ranch wouldn’t be the same without her smile, her sarcastic humor, her artistic touch on everything throughout his home…
Carsten jammed his fingers through his hair. What on earth had possessed him to let the woman redecorate his entire house? He would never be able to turn a single corner without encountering something she had created. It would be torture. You didn’t know you would fall in love…His conscience tormented him.
He had to go back to Germany. It was the only answer. He dropped his lukewarm coffee in the nearest trashcan and headed for the ticket counter.
He would leave tomorrow.
28
Ticket in pocket, Carsten drove home, his mind and heart competing over how to feel. He was trying to have faith. He was trying to trust that everything would turn out well in the end.
But the fact that Madison was on a plane that was by now hundreds of miles away cast a shadow of doubt over his belief.
His cellphone rang, and he dug it out of his pocket while keeping his eyes on the road.
“Carsten, this is Teddy Lawrence. We need to talk.”
Carsten sighed, and fought the temptation to drive the Jeep right off the road. Could this day get any worse? He braced himself for another verbal assault. “Yes sir.”
“I feel that I have some explaining to do. At the very least, I owe you an apology.”
This time, he almost ran off the road with surprise. He jerked back into his lane and gripped the phone tighter. “What did you say, sir?” There w
as a long pause. “I feel that I reacted badly in the face of pressure. I took out my frustrations over, well, many different things and for that, I’m sorry.”
Carsten didn’t know what to say. It didn’t matter, because Teddy was still talking.
“I have no justifiable excuse for my behavior other than stress, and I felt that I should make things up to you. You should expect a gift delivery sometime tomorrow.”
Carsten swallowed hard. “That’s not necessary.”
Teddy’s voice was stiff. “Yes, it is.”
He decided not to argue. From the sound of his tone, it was evident that making the phone call was hard enough for Teddy. Carsten didn’t want to make it worse for him.
He bit back all the things he wanted to unload on the man, and forced a smile he hoped he’d hear. “Thank you, sir.”
“You’re welcome. I hope you enjoy it. You’re not the only one with connections, you know.”
Carsten snorted. “I never assumed.”
He disconnected the call, and his mind wandered. What had caused the sudden change of heart in Mr. Lawrence? Carsten decided not to question a blessing, and instead, praised God for the surprise. He didn’t know what tomorrow would hold, but He did know that it was in God’s hands. That would have to be enough.
Rita was quiet when he got back to the ranch. Carsten told her about his plans to leave for Germany the next day. She said she understood, but her eyes glistened. Carsten felt a twinge of guilt over leaving her. He knew it had to be hard on Rita to see Madison and Shan go. She had shown her love for the girls in her own way throughout their visit. He knew she had secretly hoped that things would turn out differently for him and Madison, but then again, so had he.
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