“Monster Rhymes?” Koby read on the cover of the first book, glancing at Halley incredulously. “The Adventures of Honey Monster on Honey Island?”
“Decoy books,” Halley said dryly. “Take a look at this.”
Halley dug a thick, old book with a brown cover from the bottom of the pile. There was no picture on the front. It smelled like a musty library cellar.
“What’s that?” Mimi asked.
Halley looked at her siblings, excited. Then she read from the cover:
“Monsters: Characteristics and Qualities of the Species in Light of My Experiences.”
“Wow,” said Koby.
“This is a scientific book. Very old, but quite authentic. Real information about real monsters,” Halley explained.
“Wow,” Koby said again. “Who wrote it?”
“Runar Kalli,” Halley read, and turned back to Koby. “Eighty years ago. You see, he found a monster in the forest behind his house, coaxed it into his home, and studied it for almost two years. Then one day the monster vanished and was never seen again.”
“So where is that monster now?” Mimi asked apprehensively. “Could it come here?”
“Oh, please, Mimi. We’ve got a monster there in the living room,” Halley reminded her, smiling. “It’s no good being scared of it now. We’ve just got to work out how to deal with it.”
“We need information,” Koby said pensively. “Tell us more, Halley.”
Halley nodded solemnly and continued in a low voice: “So Runar’s monster escaped, but Runar had made meticulous notes of all his research. And that research is in this book. This may be the only scientific book on monsters in the whole world.”
Koby frowned. “So why does everybody think that monsters don’t exist, if there’s a real scientific book that you can borrow from the library?”
Halley shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe because all children are told that there are no such things as monsters. Because nobody wants to believe in monsters. Do you see?”
Koby nodded doubtfully.
“I wonder what happened to Runar?” he said.
“Naturally, he was labeled stark-raving mad as soon as this book came out. He was first sent to a psychiatric hospital, but then he simply disappeared.”
“Disappeared?” Mimi echoed.
“Yes. Perhaps he ran away to look for his monster.”
“How do you know all this?” Koby asked.
“The librarian told me,” Halley said, smiling modestly.
“The librarian! How did you get her to talk to you?” Koby grumbled.
“So you thought she only talks to you, did you?” Halley challenged him.
“But . . .” Koby began. Because, actually, that was exactly what he had thought. That the librarian told exciting things just to him. That Koby was the librarian’s special favorite, best customer, and most prolific book borrower. The boy who had read almost everything! This felt strange.
Halley stared at Koby, annoyed. Her little brother was such a know-it-all!
“All right! I said I was looking for books for you. That I’m your sister and you sent me to the library. That’s why she talked to me,” Halley admitted. “Happy now?”
Koby nodded slowly and felt a little more secure. More confident. It’s not good if absolutely everything changes in one day. It can make one feel quite wobbly.
“What does it say in that book?” Mimi urged impatiently. It was frustrating being the only person in the house who couldn’t read.
Halley opened the book and leafed through the yellowed first pages.
“Monsters: Characteristics and Qualities of the Species in Light of My Experiences. By Runar Kalli.”
“I wonder if Runar Kalli is still alive,” Koby said.
“Maybe, if he’s around a hundred and twenty years old,” Halley said, and continued turning the pages carefully.
“Table of contents,” Koby said. “Wait. What does it say?”
Halley gave Koby a bored look. Halley never read tables of contents. She had always thought that they weren’t even meant to be read. Koby inched closer and read aloud over Halley’s shoulder:
“Foreword to the Reader
Introduction to the Subject
PART ONE: Monsters in Stories
Chapter 1: Earliest Descriptions of Monsters in Literature
Chapter 2: Monsters in Children’s Stories
Chapter 3: Are Stories Hints of Reality?
PART TWO: Real Monsters”
“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Halley said, cheering up.
“Shhh,” Mimi hissed.
Koby read on:
“PART TWO: Real Monsters
Chapter 4: My First Encounter with a Monster
Chapter 5: The Monster’s Appearance and Characteristics
Chapter 6: Observations of the Monster’s Behavior
Chapter 7: The Monster’s Natural Environment
Chapter 8: The Monster’s Life Cycle and Possible Life Expectancy
Chapter 9: The Monster’s Natural Enemies and Defense Mechanisms
Chapter 10: Nutrition and Foraging for Food
Chapter 11: Monster Communication and Language Learning
Chapter 12: Some Unusual Observations”
“Where do we start? ‘Some Unusual Observations’ sounds good. And the bit about food,” Halley interrupted.
“There’s more still,” Koby said.
“Yes, Halley. Just shut up for a bit,” Mimi commanded, and settled right next to Koby to stare at the contents page.
“What idiot reads the table of contents when we have the whole book?” Halley wailed. “You are so weird!”
“No, we’re clever. And you’re a numskull,” Mimi muttered. “Can you be quiet, please?”
Halley kept quiet, and Koby went on:
“PART THREE: Is a Monster More Human or Animal?
Chapter 13: The Monster’s Human-like Habits
Chapter 14: The Monster’s Animal-like Habits
Chapter 15: Can a Monster Learn to Behave Like Humans?
Chapter 16: Possible Dangers
Chapter 17: Possible Uses and Benefits
Chapter 18: What Is a Monster, Really?”
“That sounds really interesting too. Indeed, what is a monster, really? And what are the dangers?” Halley pondered aloud. “Shall we read one of those first? A really interesting book. A pretty good find, wasn’t it?”
“Shhh,” Mimi hissed again.
“There’s still more,” Koby said, and read on:
“PART FOUR: Empirical Studies
Chapter 19: Measurements
Chapter 20: Language Samples
Chapter 21: Drawings
Chapter 22: Extracts from Research Diary
Postscript”
“That’s the end,” Mimi said, eyes on Halley.
“What does ‘empirical’ mean?” Halley asked.
“Studies that Runar Kalli has done. Measurements and such,” Koby answered.
“We could measure our monster too,” Mimi enthused.
“Where shall we start reading?” Halley asked impatiently.
“At the beginning, of course,” said Koby.
“The beginning!” Halley yelled. “So why did we read the table of contents? What was the point, if we’re starting at the beginning anyway? The table of contents is there so that the reader can choose what she wants to read!”
“No, the table of contents is a bit like a map. It’s always good to know what’s coming,” Koby explained patiently.
“Hey. I think the monster is coming,” Mimi whispered. “Listen.”
Halley and Koby fell silent. They heard heavy footsteps approaching the door. Koby slammed the book shut and flung it under the bed. Mimi snatched up a decoy book, Halley another, Koby a third.
“Open the books,” Koby whispered, flopping down on the rug in a reading position.
Exactly four seconds later, when the monster opened the door and stood in the doorway viewing its
charges, all it saw were three good dear children leafing through harmless picture books.
CHAPTER 5
A Hungry Monster in the Closet
MANY OF US KNOW what it’s like to go to sleep suspecting that there is a monster under the bed. It is not nice. It is unpleasant and very nerve-racking. Falling asleep is impossible because you must keep your eyes open and your ears pricked up to the extreme.
What is it like to go to sleep knowing that there quite definitely is a monster in the hall closet? If you know that there are no adults at home but just three children? Admittedly clever and resourceful ones, but still only three children without their parents? And that there really is a monster in the hall closet?
It is awful. It is awful, even if you know (having read a certain scientific book) that monsters are not very dangerous and that on no account do they eat humans.
“Let’s leave the night-light on,” Koby said. All three were sitting on Halley’s bed, very close to one another. Also sitting and lying on the bed were about eighty different stuffed animals—in other words, all their stuffed animals. Mimi wanted the bed really full. She felt safer that way.
“Can I sleep here, Halley?” Mimi asked softly.
“Of course,” Halley said, and turned to Koby. “Do you want to come too? We can all fit. We’ll move some of the toys.”
“No, I’m sleeping in my own bed,” Koby said bravely, even though he was not feeling particularly brave. He had read that in difficult situations you should not give in to fear, because it can easily turn into despair and spread to everybody. It was better to tell everyone (yourself included) that you were not a bit scared. That the situation was not so bad. Just a little bad. Everything would be all right, no problem.
Mimi was squashed right up against Halley. It was so quiet. No sound of the monster’s footsteps, nothing at all. They wondered if Mom had arrived in Lapland yet. They had tried to call, but she hadn’t answered. Then they had sent a text message that said:
Hi, Mom. We are OK. The monster came out of the closet and made us oatmeal for a bedtime snack. It was good, but Mimi didn’t want to eat. The monster does not talk. It rolls its eyes. We tidied up a bit. The monster knows how to use the dishwasher. Everything is fine, how are you? The monster got back into the closet, and we are going to bed. H, K, and M
The bit about tidying up wasn’t true, but Halley had thought that it would make Mom happy, and anyway, maybe they’d tidy up tomorrow. Besides, it wasn’t worth cleaning the house every day with a monster shedding dust all over the place.
“Koby, read that bit again, where it says what monsters eat,” Mimi asked quietly.
“Not again!” Halley groaned. “We’ve read it at least five hundred times. It won’t eat you, honestly. It doesn’t eat meat.”
“I can read it again,” Koby said good-naturedly, and pulled out the book from under the pillow.
It had taken a while to get Koby to agree to read the book here and there instead of from the beginning. It was really only when Halley had pointed out the urgency of their situation that Koby had given in. It really was the truth. They were in an emergency situation. They didn’t have time to read the whole thick book from start to finish. They had to use it like a reference book and look for information about this and that. Like about eating. It was important to know whether the monster ate people at nighttime or not. Because it was now almost midnight.
Koby expertly opened the book to page 276, “Chapter 10: Nutrition and Foraging for Food,” and started reading.
“The natural diet of monsters was a mystery to me for a long time. The monster was happy to eat everything I offered it: potatoes, leftover oatmeal, buttermilk, crusts of bread. The only thing it would not eat was meat. Sometimes, if I accidentally gave the monster meat, it carefully left even the tiniest morsel untouched.”
Koby raised his eyes from the book and looked at Mimi and Halley meaningfully.
“Eats no meat at all,” Koby said. The girls nodded. Koby went on reading.
“The monster had an enormous appetite. Almost never did I manage to give it more food than it could eat. A usual portion was about a bucket full of whatever, 3 to 5 times a day. The monster liked a drink of water every so often, sometimes straight from puddles, and even a high mud content did not seem to present a problem.
“But over the weeks I noticed that the dust layer on its coat was growing thinner. Its color was turning lighter, actually fading and becoming dull. One could say with good reason that the monster was turning into a shadow or a ghost of its former self.
“As is commonly known, with animals as with humans, this is often a sign of an incorrectly balanced diet. This made me think that it could mean the same with monsters. In my heart I knew what I had to do: move with it into the nearby forest, its natural habitat. I hesitated for some time, as the risks were considerable.
“I took with me shiny green pieces of glass and a handheld silver mirror, items of which it was very fond. I knew it would come to me at any time, as long as it could see these objects that were so dear to it—”
“Now jump to the bit where it eats,” Mimi interrupted. “I can remember this bit. Next they walk across the forest, the monster almost escapes, but Runar shows it the bits of glass and the mirror, and the monster runs back.”
“Then they come to a dense thicket where it smells of rotted leaves, and the monster goes quite crazy with joy,” Halley continued, yawning. It was getting very, very late.
Koby turned a few pages and went on reading.
“I soon realized that the source of the monster’s joy was above all else the partly rotted leaves that had accumulated on the ground, which to any human would have been most repulsive as nutrition.
“The monster threw itself into this slimy, black, and earthy leaf mass, using both hands to gorge on it. It ate a large area of the ground as clean as a whistle. And that was not all. Having filled its belly, and belching loudly, the monster flung itself on the ground to wallow and roll around like a pig, and with great grunting and murring it rubbed as much of the stink of rotten leaves onto itself as it could. Then it simply fell asleep where it was, and I had no option but to sit down with my bits of glass to wait for it to wake up.”
Koby stopped reading and looked at the girls.
“Do you want me to read the bit where it eats an anthill and falls asleep again? And where they find half-rotted fish on the beach and the monster gets excited, rubs them on its coat, and falls asleep once more? And the bit where—”
Mimi shook her head. “No need.”
“Have you noticed that it falls asleep whenever it’s eaten a bellyful?” Halley said. “And sleeps for hours? I wish it would sleep for hours now.”
“The bathrobe said that monsters never sleep. And anyway, it’s had nothing to eat today,” Mimi said quietly. “Although it should have had at least three buckets full of rotted leaves or anthills and such. It’s probably awake in the hall closet and really hungry.”
Halley said nothing. Koby was looking sternly at the book, frowning.
“How should we feed it? It said on that paper that it takes care of its own food. But how can it take care of its food if it’s in that closet all the time?” he said.
“That book is useless,” Halley snapped. “Only total idiots believe what they read in books!”
“Shut up,” Koby snapped back. “If it weren’t for this book, you wouldn’t even know that the monster doesn’t want to eat you.”
“Surely nobody would send a monster to work as a nanny if it ate children, stupid,” Halley pointed out.
“How can you be so sure?” Koby muttered ominously.
“Perhaps we should open the closet door and tell it to go out to the yard to eat,” Mimi suggested. Halley and Koby kept silent.
“We could try it,” Koby said. “Runar talked to his monster too. It wasn’t dangerous. Let’s turn on all the lights and go together. We’ll knock on the closet door. We’ll be real friendly and calm. Come
on, let’s go.”
The children hesitantly got out of bed.
“Lights,” Koby said, and turned on all the lights in their bedroom. They opened the door to the gloomy hall.
“Shall we put them all on?” Halley asked, and Mimi nodded. They went around the whole apartment and switched on every light in every room. Light brought safety.
“Back to the hall,” Halley said.
The children stood outside the monster’s closet door, hesitating.
“Should we knock?” Mimi asked.
“Perhaps. I suppose it’s polite,” Koby said. “And the monster could be sleeping.”
“It’s not sleeping,” Mimi repeated.
The children kept looking at one another for safety.
“Who’ll knock?” Halley asked. Nobody answered.
“Who?” Halley repeated.
“You do it,” Mimi suggested.
“Why?” Halley asked.
“You’re the eldest,” Mimi said.
“But I’m not talking to it,” Halley said.
“I can do the talking,” Mimi said.
“You?” Koby asked doubtfully. “Why?”
“I’m good at talking,” Mimi said.
Koby and Halley exchanged looks.
“Very well. What are you going to say to it?” Halley asked.
“Nothing. I’ll knock and listen,” Mimi said.
“You are so weird,” Halley told her, but raised her hand and, after a few seconds’ hesitation, knocked. Knock, knock, knock.
In the dead silence of the night, the knocking sounded grim and ghostly. Nothing happened. The door stayed shut. It was very quiet.
“Perhaps it didn’t hear,” Koby whispered.
Halley raised her hand and knocked again, a little bolder and louder. Knock, knock, knock!
Monster Nanny Page 3
