“Ouch!” The hunky fireman grabbed his cheek and winced.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to! It was an accident!” The words fluttered out and I felt as if I was making no sense at all.
“How do you accidentally make a fist?” he asked. “I came in here to buy a drink and you nearly knocked me out.”
I could barely look at him. I was mortified by what had just happened. I didn’t think that it could get any worse. So far my day of celebration had turned out to be a bust.
“I’m very sorry.” I mumbled the words shamefully and backed out of the store.
All I could think about was getting home where it was safe and where I couldn’t further embarrass myself.
As soon as I stepped outside, the clouds that hung heavily in the sky burst. I struggled to get my umbrella open. Once it was up I held it above my head. The rain splattered down across the top, creating a soothing, drumming sound.
My mind shifted back to the sun showers that I would dance in as a child. I remembered the simple joy of living in the moment. I had no thought of what I looked like or whether the world approved of me. All I cared about was splashing in puddles and waiting for the sun to come back out. The memory inspired me to begin splashing in the puddles that had gathered along the sidewalk.
The rain was coming down in sheets, but I was feeling quite festive beneath my broad umbrella. It was one of those days where I had the time to dally in the rain. I even splashed in a few puddles.
I saw a relatively large one up ahead. Without hesitation I plowed into it. I tried to make the biggest splash that I could. I was rewarded by quite a high spray. That spray was punctuated by the squeal of a woman standing at the edge of the sidewalk. I hadn’t even noticed her there because the rain was so heavy.
“Thanks a lot!” She was holding only a newspaper over her head for protection from the rain.
She was dressed in light spring-weather clothing that was already soaked through. I felt horrible that I had played a part in her dousing.
“I’m so sorry! Here, we can share.” I smiled at her as I held the umbrella over both of us.
“Thanks, but I might be a while. Trying to catch a cab in this weather seems to be nearly impossible.”
“It is.” I waved my hand at a cab but it blew right past. “Don’t worry, I don’t have anywhere to rush off to. It’s a small gesture I can offer considering I just splashed you.”
“It’s no problem. It’s actually refreshing to see someone being playful. I feel like I haven’t had the chance to do much of that lately.”
“Oh? What do you do?” I looked at her curiously. There was nothing about her that would give away her profession. She was slender, but not particularly athletic. Her clothes were nice, but plain, and certainly not businesslike.
“You could say I’m a professional adventurer.” She laughed. “At least that’s what I like to call myself.”
“What does that mean exactly?” I peered at her through the swiftly falling rain.
“It means that I have spent quite a few years trying to find thrilling ways to entertain myself.” The woman laughed and shook her head. “You’d think after exploring rain forests and whitewater rafting down some of the fiercest rapids in the world, I’d be smart enough to bring along an umbrella on a cloudy day.”
“We all forget things.” I smiled. I was amazed by the adventures that she described. “So you’ve been around the world?”
“Not all of it. I have to save a few things for my golden years. But yes, I like to travel. I like to see what there is to see, if you know what I mean.”
“Sure, sure I do.” I glanced away and searched the flowing traffic for any sign of a bright yellow car.
The truth was, I had no idea what she meant. I barely ever traveled. I always told myself that I would, once I’d lost the weight—so that I could wear a bathing suit or not have to worry about other people judging my size. Of course that had yet to happen.
“I like to try to challenge myself as often as possible. Otherwise I think it’s just so easy to get stuck in a rut. Don’t you?” She looked over at me with a smile.
I felt like a liar as I nodded. The only thing I had challenged myself to lately was choosing salad over pizza. That didn’t seem like much compared to exploring rain forests.
“What do you like to do?”
I grimaced at the question. I had no idea how I should answer it.
Chapter 5
What did I like to do?
There was the laundromat, which I loved managing, but it was not as if that was adventurous or daring. Then there was hanging out with Max, which I certainly did enjoy, but I was not even brave enough to tell him the truth about my feelings for him. I didn’t think that would be something that she would want to hear about.
“I run a laundromat with a little shop attached. I really enjoy that.” I spoke my words as brightly as I could. I felt as if that might make them seem more interesting.
The woman didn’t miss a beat as she smiled. “That sounds entertaining.”
“It really can be.” I felt awkward as we shared the umbrella. “What other great adventures have you had?”
“Well, I’ve tried parasailing. I once wrestled an alligator and I have scaled one of the tallest mountains in the world.” She gazed out through the rain as she went on to tell me about even more of the things she’d done. “I’ve done so many things and have loved every minute. I think my biggest hope is that when I’m old and gray, I’ll have a million adventures to remember.”
“I’d love to do all of those things. You’ve done so much and you can’t be much older than I am.” I smiled at her. “You must be so proud of yourself.”
“Not really. It’s not anything that anyone else couldn’t do. You could do all these things too. Why haven’t you?” She met my eyes.
I felt put on the spot. I had no real way of explaining myself. I hadn’t allowed myself to embark on any adventures because I felt I wasn’t thin enough to do it. Years of my life had passed by with my only focus being on my weight and which new diet I should try.
“I’m not sure.” I frowned. “I guess it just never feels like the right time.”
“Trust me.” She waved a hand at a cab that was passing by. “It will never feel like the right time. You just have to decide it is and go for it. Thanks for the shelter!” She hurried to the cab as it pulled over.
As the cab sped away, I folded up my umbrella. I let the rain wash down over me. I thought about all those times as a child that I would run outside for the chance to dance in the rain.
Where was that Samantha? When had I decided that I wasn’t good enough to take part in life? To live my joy?
All of a sudden, the numbers on my scale at home didn’t matter so much to me. What mattered more was the time that had slipped by while I was staring at the scale. I promised myself in that moment that I would never let another opportunity for adventure slip past me. I was ready to decide that the time was right now.
I walked the entire way back to my apartment with my umbrella dangling by my side. I didn’t mind the strange looks I received. This was who I was.
Samantha, unafraid to get a little wet. Samantha, who could savor the sensation of the rain on her skin.
When I reached my apartment, I left my umbrella outside to dry. I stepped inside and dripped across the floor. I dropped my bag of party supplies on the table and then began stripping off my wet clothes. I tossed my top and bra on the back of the couch so that they would have a chance to dry out. I made a mental note to hang them up to dry before Max arrived. I continued to shed my clothes as I dripped my way into the bedroom.
Normally if I was getting naked I would avoid the mirror. It just seemed kinder to not look at my greatest enemy—my fat. But as I was undressing, I accidentally caught sight of my reflection. It drew my attention. Not because it had changed so much over a few pounds, but because it had been so long since I’d really looked at my body.
I stood in front of the mirror and stared at my reflection. In my opinion, my body was lumpy in the wrong places and I didn’t like to look at it for too long. But as I forced myself to truly study my body, I discovered that those soft patches were not so terribly offensive. They were a part of me.
They were extra pounds that I wanted to get rid of, but at the moment they belonged to me, and I needed to find a way to be okay with that. If I spent my life being afraid of my own reflection, how would that ever lead to adventure?
The woman I had met on the street today hadn’t let anything limit her. That wasn’t because she was thin. It wasn’t because she had never doubted her beauty. It was because she didn’t let her appearance define her life. She had gone out and done exactly what she wanted to do.
I imagined that she had moments of uncertainty—that maybe she’d questioned her own reflection and motives more than once. But she had not let any of that slow her down.
That was the difference that I wanted. I wanted to be able to move forward and be adventurous now, not when I met some magical number on my scale. How much more time was I willing to sacrifice to the idea that I was not worthy of fun or excitement? I found myself smiling at my reflection.
I was certain that I must have done something in my life that was adventurous. Maybe not as adventurous as the woman I’d met in the rain, but adventurous still.
Chapter 6
As I got dressed, I thought back through the years in an attempt to pinpoint a time I had really challenged myself. I was still thinking about it as I got some snacks together for my party with Max.
By the time everything was set for our get-together, I still hadn’t come across a single event that I could claim pride in. There were, of course, the traditional events such as graduating from high school and college, but I’d really only done those things because they were expected of me. Then there were the few times that I had done dangerous things, but those were mainly accidents.
Once in high school I had gone sledding with some friends. What my friends failed to tell me was that there was a big hill next to the small hill. I hit a bump and flipped off the sled. By the time I reached the bottom I looked a lot like a snowman.
Another time I was waiting for Max at the airport. Somehow in my quest to find a restroom, I’d ended up out on the tarmac just as a plane was landing. Needless to say, I forgot all about my need to use the facilities once security had severely scolded and questioned me.
None of those memorable events classified themselves as adventures in my mind, because I hadn’t set out to accomplish them. In fact, I seemed to avoid making any goals at all.
While friends my age were getting involved in careers, marriages, parenthood, buying property and so forth, my main goal was to get under two hundred pounds.
Now I’d reached it. What was next?
I looked around at the party I’d set up. It seemed a little silly to me now. In fact, I was now feeling a bit down, rather than excited. The more I thought about what I hadn’t done, the less I felt the urge to celebrate what I’d accomplished on the scale that day.
I slumped down on the couch. I had tried all afternoon to think of one single adventure I could claim as my own, but I’d failed miserably. Aside from walking along the beach and driving the wrong way on a one-way street, I had never done anything to challenge my comfort zone.
I was still working the same job I had while in college. I was still living in the same apartment. Though I had dated now and then, I hadn’t had a serious relationship with anyone. I’d never really thought about marriage or what the future might hold. I had stuck to the same pattern for so long that I was surprised I hadn’t worn a path in the sidewalk between the laundromat and my apartment.
The only time I really let loose was when I’d had a little too much wine, or when I was trying to get Max’s attention.
Max. My mind shifted at the thought of him. If there was ever anything I wanted to be brave enough to do, it was to tell Max the truth.
So many years of our friendship had been filled with my secret crush on him. I always told myself that when I lost enough weight to compete with the type of women he dated, I would tell him the truth. But the women Max dated were tiny little things. It would take me quite some time to ever look like them. So my secret had been kept year after year.
A knock on the door drew me right out of my thoughts. I jumped up to answer it. My heart was pounding; I knew it would be Max. I willed myself to keep control, as I didn’t want him to notice how excited I was to see him.
When I threw open the door, I tried to act casual. I threw my head back to give my hair that casual poof. I leaned my body to the right so that what I considered my best angle was presented. Then I flashed my most seductive smile.
“Delivery.”
I was startled by the gruff voice. It wasn’t Max at the door, but the deliveryman. He was completely immune to my stance and my hair poof because he was hidden behind a very large box.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“It was meant to be delivered to Fluff and Stuff, but the employee there said I had to bring it here, in order for you to sign for it.”
He set down the box. I knew right away that it was filled with laundry soaps, as the scent drifted up from the box along with a bit of powder.
“I thought that delivery wasn’t supposed to come until tomorrow?” I frowned.
“Date says today.” He tapped his clipboard. “Are you going to sign for it?”
As manager, accepting deliveries was one of my duties. I didn’t usually accept them at home, but if I didn’t sign for it the entire delivery would get sent back.
“Yes, I’ll sign.” I reached for the clipboard he held it out to me. I grabbed the pen and signed quickly. I wanted the deliveryman to leave so that I could resume my stance for Max.
“Can you just put it over there?” I pointed to the side of the hallway.
“Sorry, you already signed.” The delivery driver started to back out.
“What? This box is heavy! You can’t leave it right in front of my door!”
“Now that you signed I can’t touch it. Sorry, it’s policy.”
I glared at him with frustration. Usually I was very patient with people, but right at that moment I was not feeling patient. I wanted to enjoy my evening with Max and this box was going to be in my way.
“Can you please just do me a favor and help me move it?” I tried to make my voice sound as polite as possible. I was not actually feeling very polite.
“Like I said, can’t do it.” He turned and began to walk down the sidewalk toward the parking lot.
Chapter 7
I was very annoyed. I knew that Max would be willing to move the box when he arrived, but that would put a damper on our party. It was just that the box was so big, and it was right there blocking my way, and I would have to wait to get it moved.
All of a sudden, I felt as if the box represented the limitations I had put on myself in life. Here was yet another thing I had to wait for. It was a problem that I wasn’t daring enough to solve.
I eyed the box. It was large, but maybe it wouldn’t be too heavy. I was strong, not like a weight-lifting super machine, but I could hold my own when it came to moving furniture. I decided that instead of waiting for that box to get out of my way, I was going to be daring enough to move it.
I crouched down and wrapped my arms around the box. I tried to lift it. It didn’t budge an inch. I cleared my throat, flexed my shoulders, and tried lifting it again. I managed to get it an inch or two off the floor before it went crashing back down.
I sighed and stood up. I took another look at the box. Maybe I needed to look at things from a different perspective. Instead of lifting, I’d try pushing. I crouched down again and tried to slide the box across the floor. It should have been fairly easy to do so, as the foyer was tiled. However, when I shoved it, it didn’t move at all. I frowned and put my back against it. I used my feet to push against the floor. It mo
ved just enough to make me fall hard on my rear end.
“Ouch.” I frowned. I stood up again. I decided to try lifting it one more time. I hunkered down. I bent my knees. When I lifted, I felt the box hover above the floor. I was so proud of myself that I just went for it and tried to heave the box up higher into the air. It did lift higher into the air. But once it was in the air, I began to lose my balance. I teetered from one foot to the other.
I tried to regain my footing. Then I tried to just drop the box. But it was too late. The box was tipping on top of me. I fell backwards as the weight of the contents of the box shifted. I crashed to the floor. Luckily I landed half on the carpet of the living room, which softened the blow.
The box was still on top of me. It wasn’t so heavy that I couldn’t breathe, but I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to get out from under it. As I wiggled one way and then the other in an attempt to get out from under the box, I heard a knock on the door. I closed my eyes in absolute disbelief.
Of course it would be Max. Of course he would find me like this. Because that was the only thing that could possibly make the situation worse.
“Sammy?” Max called out.
He was the only one who ever called me Sammy. I loved hearing the name—usually. But at that moment, I felt my heart sink. Or maybe it was just the crushing weight of the box.
“I’m here, Max!” I could tell that my voice was a little muffled. “I can’t open the door.”
“Did you get that lock stuck again?” Max asked. He wiggled the doorknob a few times and then opened the door. “It’s not stuck.”
He stepped inside the apartment and then stopped. I didn’t have to see his face to know he was shocked.
“Sammy, are you okay?” He rushed to my side and grabbed the box.
I saw him over the top of the box—his messy dark hair, his sweet full lips, and his beautiful eyes full of concern. It made my heart melt. But I was also embarrassed.
He gave the box a hard tug and managed to lift it off me.
Sammy's Big Plan! (Single Wide Female #0.5) Page 2
