“I'm sorry.”
“It's okay, Maddie. What matters is that you're okay and nothing happened.”
“I thought you were never coming back to me,” she said as a solitary tear ran down her cheek.
“Maddie, at the risk of saying too much – You left me. You walked out on me. You gave me no option to accept you as you were.”
“I know. For what it's worth, I was wrong. I was so wrong. I need you in my life, Ryan. I can't do this without you,” Maddie said. I could see that feeling in her – That same feeling I got when I lost Mary-Margaret.
“I love you, Maddie. All of you. Every single problem the world sees with you is just another part of you that I love. There isn't a thing I could learn about you that would make me stop loving you. Sure, you test my patience. Sure, you make me want to scream sometimes. But I wouldn't take anything back. I wouldn't change a thing about our journey. My heart will always be available to you. I don't see the negative the world sees in you. I see my girl, and I love my girl.”
Finally, Maddie was back in my life and things were fantastic. Truth be told, I never wanted just a girlfriend. I never wanted just a wife. I always wanted a woman that, for the rest of time, people will look at and tell me that she's the best thing that had ever happened to me. I believe I found that woman. Maddie was my dream come true.
To a real man, it is so satisfying to dedicate his life, his love, his heart, his soul, everything he has to the right woman. It is humbling and pure ecstasy all mixed into one. Living your life for the woman who asks for nothing but you are willing to give everything to is the most blissfully exhilarating experience you could ever imagine.
Just when life was looking up, everything came crashing down again that April. My life was turning into the nastiest roller coaster ride I could have ever imagined it being. Maddie approached me while we were at the race track in Hockenheim. See, in 2007, we were participating in two championships for the second time. Last time we did this, I lost Mary-Margaret. Not so much because of the racing, but because I was a dumb ass. I was still a dumb ass in 2007, that hadn't changed over three years. But this time, it was because of the racing.
“Ryan, I need to talk to you,” Maddie said as she came out of the bedroom of our hotel suite.
“What's going on? Is everything okay?” I asked her.
“I need to go back to Montana. Taylor was on the range with my horses and she said they're not doing well.”
“I'm sorry to hear that. I can call Luis, we can get you in the air in an hour or so.”
“I don't think you understand. I need to go focus on my life, the things that I want,” she said. My heart dropped to my stomach.
“You're leaving me again?” I asked.
“I've been doing a lot of thinking. What you're doing is great, and as much as I'd love to see the world with you, I have a life back in Montana and I have animals I love that are counting on me to be there for them.”
“So go be there for them, I don't see why this means we have to break up.”
“Because you don't deserve to be tied down to me. You saw what happened last time I let you go, you met a great girl,” Maddie continued.
“A great girl who left me, just like you're doing right now.”
“Ryan, I have to do this. I'm just so young, I'm only 20. I need to find myself. I need to figure out what kind of person I want to be.”
Maddie already knew what kind of person she wanted to be. She was simply confused. I was there once too. When I was 20, I was transitioning from being a screenwriter to a race car driver. It wasn't easy, and in many ways I think I might have done the same thing if I was in her position. She took a huge risk by cashing out her trust fund. She needed to be putting the work in to make sure her investment paid off.
“I'll be leaving the light on for you every night until you come back, Maddie. 'Cause one of these days you're going to realize, I am the guy for you. Until that day, my light will be on as I await your return. I want to close my eyes to you at night, open my eyes to you in the morning, and just spend our lives together happily. In those times when you feel hopelessly empty, forever alone, and dangerously unhappy -- Remember that I am here for you, I am there with you, and forever will I have a part of my soul free for your needs at all times.”
And just like that... She was gone. Again.
Later that day, Chase found me in the back of the hauler.
“Hey man, what's goin' on?” he asked.
“She's gone again,” I told him. It looked like I punched Chase in gut. He sighed, sat down with his arms limp at his sides.
“And that I don't get,” Chase responded.
“Yeah, I guess she wants to focus on building her own life.”
“But you are her life.”
“And she is mine. She doesn't quite see that yet,” I said.
“So how are you doing?” he asked me.
I took a deep breath before figuring out what I could say to get my feelings across to him. “I've spent so much of my life trying to save other people. I'm more than okay with that, I wouldn't have it any other way. But oh, what I would give for a beautiful young lady to save me. I want to be saved. Most of our own team doesn't even realize that I am an absolute mess inside on most days. To have the right beautiful young woman save me, now that would be quite the dream come true. I mean, I realize now that being as good a person as I can be will never make me good enough. It will never make me worthy. What will make me worthy is some beautiful young lady willing to love me back, crazy enough to love me back. Then, on that day, I will be good enough. I will be worthy.”
“You are worthy, man. And Maddie is going to realize it. But what are you going to do now? Not with the racing team. You, Ryan Sumpter... Where do you go from here?”
“If I were a lesser man, I would sit here and say that I will never again give the same. Truth be told, should I ever be so lucky as to fall in love again, I will give more of myself. My solemn wish is once -- Just once -- May I find a beautiful woman who doesn't leave me in the same position I find myself in once again.”
The next month, Ayrton and I went out to lunch during an off week. We were back in Columbus for a couple of days visiting old friends and checking up on our local businesses. Did I ever mention that Ayrton started a burlesque club? No joke. The force is strong in that one.
Every time we were back, we had to visit the same little pizza joint. Rubino's was this little hole in the wall place hidden in the middle of the big city. It was a perfect spot for us to hang. As things go with Ayrton, he had something he needed to tell me.
“Look man. You've been a zombie the past month,” Ayrton said as he broke the silence with his mouth half full of food.
“Shit happens. It keeps happening to me,” I responded.
“I know the racing hasn't been what you expected it to be this year, and I haven't been helping that. But that ain't why you're like this.”
“So why am I?”
“Simple. Maddie left again and you're lost. I am too, man, I don't get it. But I talked to Lexi a couple weeks ago when we were in Montana.”
“Please tell me you did not do that!” I exclaimed.
“I know you contacted her after Maddie left.”
Shit. He was correct. I contacted Lexi not long after Maddie walked out. Maddie leaving again made me wonder if I didn't put in enough effort with Lexi. Maybe I made the same mistake with Lexi that I did with Mary-Margaret. I don't know if I paid her enough attention to really make her feel wanted, desired.
"Dude, she's terrified," Ayrton fired out.
"Why the hell would she be terrified?"
"Because she thinks you're smarter than her, more normal than her, and she thinks you two have almost nothing in common. She thinks you're going to get bored with her."
"Why does she think that stuff matters to me? Even if it were true, it doesn't mean a damn thing. I've wanted that girl since I met her, I'm not going anywhere."
"Maybe you should tell her that. Sh
ow her you're not going anywhere. Give her something to latch onto. At the same time, be real with her. Let's be honest about this, you wanted Maddie since you first met her. You wanted Mary-Margaret since you first met her. Go get Lexi, but make sure you really want her. Be fair with her," Ayrton concluded.
I sat there staring aimlessly for a moment, thinking about the right way to go about getting Lexi back.
“Dude, would you get the hell out of here already? Luis is at the airport on the tarmac. Congrats, you're holding up air traffic as we speak. Jimmy is outside in the Phantom waiting for you,” he said.
“The Phantom? When the hell did you buy a Rolls Royce?”
“I bought it for Jimmy.”
“So the company PI is now a valet too?”
“He does what he's paid to do. Get the hell out of here. Go.”
I got up to leave, and of course Ayrton had one more thing to say. But at least this time, his parting comment was brilliant. “Hey – Remember, all you need is one moment of insane courage to change everything.”
With that, I stood and left. Luis got me to California in record time in the company G5. Ayrton even had my NSX delivered to the airport by one of his security guards. I rushed to Lexi's apartment in Marina Del Ray.
I got to her front doorstep and I couldn't remember the last time I felt so nervous. Lexi answered the door and I stood there like a damn mute. We stared at each other for... I swear it was forever.
“Hi,” I said. Nice line, asshole.
“Can I help you?” she asked. Oh boy, she was not happy to see me.
“Look, I'm not any good at these kinds of things,” I said.
“They don't teach you how to please a girl at the race track?”
“Actually, I'm sure they do.” Why the fuck did I just say that? “I was too busy with other things, like racing, to know any better.”
“You're doing a terrible job, just so you know,” Lexi said. You know, she might be autistic, but she sure could be a smart ass.
“I know. All right, let me see if I can...” I was sinking and fast. “Tell me, name your price. Anything legal, I'll do it. If it means I'll get the opportunity to take you out, show you a night on the town, and have the chance to show you my heart is pure and I want you -- I'll do it. You want me to sing karaoke? Take my NSX out and spin circles in the middle of a busy intersection? Tip cows? Stand up comedy? Sprint a mile barefoot? My ankle is killing me, I'd do it anyway. Name it, I'll do it if it means I get the opportunity to take you out.”
Score. I got her to come out with me.
We went out for a night on the town. It was a classic night. I took her out to a nice dinner. She had gotten herself all done up for the occasion. Her favoite color was blue, her dress was a short little cocktail dress that was a medium ocean blue with sequins all over it. I was proud to be the guy who got to open her car door at the restaurant and lead her to the table.
At the end of the night, we were on the pier checking out the stars. Honestly, the view was far better in Montana. Still, Lexi was teaching me about the different stars. She showed me several constellations before I put my arm around her and kissed her on the side of her head.
“I've missed you,” I told her. Nothing else was said. She turned to me, wrapped her arms around me and laid her head on my chest. She once told me how safe she felt in my arms. I don’t know why, but I heard the same thing from Mary-Margaret and Maddie. Apparently there was something comforting about my arms. Lexi said that very often, her issues with autism made her life feel completely out of control. But she felt safe in my arms, and that made me a very happy guy. It was on that night that I learned I had a reason to look at the stars.
The same sexy little blue dress was what she wore to the company party a few weeks later. Marco had gotten married to his longtime girlfriend. After attending the wedding, we were at the club for the reception. Marco and his lovely wife wanted something more chill than a standard reception, so we basically rented the place as a hang out for people to come and go. We had a small string quartet set up in the corner with a dance floor in front of them. A classic bar for those who wanted to hammer out. And for those who love great views, a huge balcony overlooking the ocean.
Lexi and I arrived late. After the wedding, she got a call from her mother. Her father was threatening suicide. Talk about the essential conversaton killer. I told her I would gladly drive her to Castaic to be there with him. She sternly declined though. She hadn't forgotten what happened with them and they still hadn't accepted her back into the family. I admired her strength. I wondered if her father was simply pulling a trick to get her away from me. He wasn't as stupid as he seemed. After all, he was a government agent at one point. He was calculating. And he knew Lexi and I were back together.
I was proud of her for standing up for what she believed in, but I was also happy she accompanied me to the reception. I was having a tough day. I invited Ben to come to the reception even though he didn't attend the wedding, and as expected, he turned me down. Every year that went by, it became harder to take. It became harder knowing he wasn't getting closer to the team at all. If anything, he was drifting further away.
I approached the bar and called for a glass of Macallan. Chase was there hanging out at the side of the bar alone.
“What's up?” I asked him.
“Not enough. Remember that girl Christine I was telling you about? Turns out she's been lying to me the entire time. She's been dating some dude named Davie at Fresno State for a year now. What the hell kind of name is Davie?”
“Gotta love those details that are so easily left out, eh?”
“No kidding. How's Lexi? I heard what was going on.”
“She's okay. She's having a rough go of it, ya know? But she's hanging in there,” I said. As I finished my sentence, I realized I didn't know where she was. I checked around the place before finally walking out onto the balcony. She was the only one out there. I could see the faint sparkles of her dress at the far edge of the balcony.
As I approached, I noticed she was crying. It was a cold night, she was wearing just that little cocktail dress. It made me weak at the knees to see her upset. I approached her, gave her my jacket, and without words, I kissed her cheek. Sometimes that's all we can do as men. Sometimes that's all we must do. Sometimes there's nothing else. For better or worse, she knew I was there for her, and at that moment, I wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.
She surprised me though. She turned around, gently grabbed me by my waist and positioned me so I was sitting against the railing. She looked at me and then sunk herself into my chest and wrapped her arms around me. She wasn't doing this to make herself feel better, though. I'm sure it did make her feel better. But she did this to give me comfort. She did it as a selfless act because she knew I wasn't happy that Ben still hadn't returned to the man I knew he was after all these years. She did it because she cared.
We had the first three weeks of August off from both racing circuits before the Touring Car season resumed on the 26th in Oschersleben. Things with Lexi were better than ever. Every week, it was the most amazing roller coaster of experiences. It was almost like we had a routine. One day a week, I had to be the strength in our relationship. One day was spent in deep, romantic conversation. Three days were fun and adventurous and she was my sweet little girl. And two days were a tossup. It all depended on how things were going with her. Lexi kept me on my toes at all times. I always had to be at attention, and I loved it. She was not remotely low maintenance, but I loved her that way.
On August 15th, I saw a side to Lexi that I knew existed but had never really experienced. Not like on that day, at least. It was the day she had planned to show me some of the important places in her life. The first place we went was this little diner just outside of Castaic. It was the diner she always went to after church on Sundays. We ate our breakfast there and then went to a park. There wasn't much around. I saw a swing set, a couple of benches, and a picnic table. Lexi got out of my NS
X and ran to the swings. She sat on one and waved me over. She gave me a mischievous smile as I approached.
“So what's this?” I asked her.
“I always come here when I need to think and escape. Nobody knows about it. Except you, now.”
I sat on the swing next to her, our hands held together, hung between us. We talked for a couple of hours out there. We watched the clouds pass and made up stories about them. We watched people come and go from the park. This experience with Lexi was one of the most simple but entertaining experiences we had together. It was from that day that I found Lexi's word. I think I knew her word all along, but this experience cemented it.
Special.
Indeed, there was magic in that girl. Lexi and I spent another week together before the team was ready to leave for Oschersleben. I woke up on the day we were headed out for the resumption of the racing season and it happened again. She was gone. Does this seem ridiculous to you? Put yourself in my shoes and imagine how I’ve felt. She had gotten out of bed in the middle of the night and I thought nothing of it. I didn't realize she never returned. I headed to the airport with Ayrton and Chase without a word. It was a 13 hour flight to Leipzig where we would land and travel the remaining two hours on the road to get to Oschersleben. It was a lonely, abstract feeling day. I don't recall ever speaking at all the entire day.
A couple nights after arriving in Oschersleben, I was out walking the track at 2AM. The stars were so bright on that night, it made me remember when Lexi taught me about them. She gave me a reason to look at the stars. She made them feel so close. But now she was gone and the stars felt so far away. I couldn't stand to look at them. It broke my heart every time I did.
Still, I picked out a star and named it after her. It felt like the only way I had to connect with her was by talking to the stars. She wasn't there, she was so far away. She was as untouchably great as the stars were simply untouchable. The next night, I was walking the track at the same time and the stars were covered by clouds. On nights like that when the stars were masked by the clouds, it made me very sad. I had no way to see my girl. I had no way to talk to her.
The Legend: The Love of Ryan Sumpter Page 17
