by Shara Lanel
I ignored the queasiness in my stomach. “He beat my mom.”
Nate stepped back to an easier distance, but he kept his eyes on mine. “Tell me about it.”
I tucked the credits into a money tube, then pushed the tube into the chute. The chute would transport the money underground to the hidden safe, the location of which was only known to Zebot. “My mom had a knack for picking losers, although she swore my dad wasn’t one of them. She said he died from a heart attack. I have a hard time believing that. Nobody dies from heart attacks anymore. But I have no memory of him, anyway.”
Nate nodded, listening intently. He had kind eyes, hazel, with long lashes. It’s funny that I’d spent so much time looking out at the solar system that I’d not paid much attention to the beings around me. Essentially, I’d been frozen for the past five years, emotionally. That’s why I just rented a room on a planet that I’d never call home.
I took a deep breath and continued. “Anyway, this man, Jim Snyder, he came into our lives when I was sixteen, but for the most part I was off at school, majoring in space tech. Mom kept saying Jim was keeping me in school, paying my way. She needed him. Ignore the black eyes and what not. They’d just been horsing around. When I pressed it, she’d say it was none of my damn business, since I was just a child.
“But when I came home each break, I could tell things were way worse than Mom let on. It wasn’t until Christmas, when I was seventeen, that I actually saw him do it. Beat her. I called the Feds first, just like we’re supposed to, but he kept hitting her, and once he had her down on the ground, he kicked her, over and over.” Damn, my throat was closing up and my chest felt tight. I could see every punch and kick, feel the anger burning in my stomach. He’d even slugged me when I’d tried to pull him off of her.
Nate had come around behind me, resting his hands on my shoulders, rubbing gently. What was he doing that for? I didn’t deserve kindness. “Go on,” he said.
I stared hard at the Mars-stone counter as if I could blast holes in it with my look. “So I killed him.”
“Just like that?”
“The Feds were going to be too late. Mom would’ve been dead.” Shit, now I had tears on my face. Freakin’ ridiculous! I did not need to be crying over something from so long ago. My voice sounded funny as I went on. “I slammed him with a fire extinguisher, an antique. Really big and heavy. He went down and didn’t get up.”
“Did your mom make it?” His fingers were in my hair, massaging my scalp. It felt so incredibly nice. Too nice.
“Yes.” And that’s all I could choke out before I really started crying. Sobbing. Chest heaving. You know why? Because she’d turned me in. She’d said I’d always had it in for Jim and could never keep my nose out of their relationship, that maybe I was jealous.
My own mother thought I was jealous of her with her violent husband.
And that’s why I was exiled. Because of her testimony, they didn’t call it self-defense or defense of my mother, just murder. I explained this to Nate between shuddering breaths. He kneaded my shoulders until I calmed down.
“Geez, why’d you make me bring up that crap?”
He turned me to face him. The blasted man was grinning. “Because it explains so much about you, why you’d be willing to do crazy things like have sex with the de Lunas. You feel like you have nothing left to lose.”
“I don’t.”
“Someday you may feel differently.”
“If I can get home, I’d never leave again. Stay the hell away from my mother, of course, but never leave Earth. Then I’d have something to hold onto.”
* * * * *
Nate had hoped that telling someone about her mysterious past would help Helena calm down about returning to Earth, but as the days passed, he realized she was more determined than ever. This shouldn’t bother him. Yeah, he’d have to replace the first decent employee he’d had in years -- an aggravation, but doable. But it drove him nuts that she talked to every interplanetary pilot that came through the fueling station. Usually Nate saw the folks shaking their heads in refusal. They had quotas and schedules, and they certainly didn’t want to take on a passenger who couldn’t pay. But occasionally there was interest, so he’d step in or send Ghenl as interference. Ghenl had started giving him knowing smirks. What was that about? And every night Helena stared out at the sky for a longer period of time.
One thing Nate could do for her was research. He used his boss’s sat-comp and learned that Helena had been tried before her eighteenth birthday, without an advocate present because her mother was there. She’d been exiled officially for ten years, but Earth’s expatriates rarely returned. The most important bit of information was that the hard-nosed judge that had sentenced her had lost his job in the last pseudo-election. Must have pissed off the wrong higher-up. If Helena paid for a good advocate, she’d most likely be able to get the charges dropped.
But none of this mattered if she couldn’t get home.
Ju tapped his arm. “Credit for your thoughts.” They were sitting in the co-ed spring room, soaking their cares away.
“I’m thinking about Helena and how to get her home to Earth.” He’d yet to be inspired on that issue. In fact, he tried very hard not to think about it, but it kept coming back to his thoughts when he saw how restless she was.
“That’s awfully selfless of you. I thought you’d be intent on keeping her here.”
“Why would you say that?”
Ju stroked one finger along the top of her breasts, which bobbled in the water. “Because you never notice these.”
Nate looked at Ju’s breasts. They were just a part of her, like an extra appendage. They didn’t inspire lust in him. Why didn’t they inspire lust in him? He’d had very memorable sex in the past with non-humans, even a Neptunian or two, so it wasn’t that. He met Ju’s eyes, and she nodded sagely. “What ... you think I like Helena?”
“Don’t you?”
“She’s a great employee.”
“And you’d risk being eaten for any other employee?”
It was true that every hour of the day, he’d rewound and replayed the image of Helena in ecstasy with the de Lunas -- with himself in the role of the moon man -- and each night the memory of her lush body drove him to stroke his cock to release just so he could sleep. But he was trying to help Helena get home, as a friend would. That’s what he told himself in the morning in front of his vid-mirror. He was a less-than-convincing actor, even to himself.
And here was Ju, pointing out the truth, that he really didn’t want Helena to get home, to leave him on this rock with strangers. Maybe that’s why he’d been avoiding her, not rushing to tell her how she could likely reverse the exile order. He noted that Ju’s hand was stroking his thigh, but even that didn’t cause him to harden. Only memories of Helena naked aroused him, tantalized him.
“You could ask the Big Boss,” Ju said. “If you really want her to go, that is.”
“To lend the money? He’d never do it. He’s too shrewd.”
“To borrow a ship.”
Nate shook his head and eyed his finger, which was puckered from too long in the heated water. “A ship needs a pilot.”
“And you’re a pilot.”
“Not anymore.”
Ju clicked her tongue and stroked his shoulder. “Once a pilot, always a pilot.”
“I swore I’d never go back to Earth. The government is insane.” He closed his eyes, remembering the news broadcast announcing the world treaty that set Señor Alvarez as President of the Worldwide Federal Council. One government for the whole world. He’d never dreamt he’d see that in his lifetime, and he wished he hadn’t. As soon as he could, he’d hightailed it off planet before government-sanctioned genocide reduced the planet to only the “acceptable” races. He’d rather live on an airless rock than under Federal Law. Of course, maybe he’d have been less quick to leave if his father hadn’t disinherited him and given his brother the family business, and if his girlfriend hadn’t gotten
herself engaged to his brother. Lucky break for him, but he doubted he’d ever forgive either of the two men.
“Wouldn’t you do it for love?”
“Ju, don’t make me laugh. There’s no such thing. Meanwhile, I’m turning into a raisin, so I’m outta here.”
Ju bonked his wagging penis as he hefted himself onto the deck. He ignored her knowing chuckle and strode away.
* * * * *
I couldn’t wait to tell Nate my news, so the minute he entered the office, I pounced. “I’ve got a ride home!” I ignored the sudden tickle in my stomach at the sight of his sexy eyes and strong jaw. I was happy, happy, happy, and nothing was going to detract from that, not even lust.
He hung his head and sighed. “Who with this time? Are you moving onto orgies now?”
“Oh, fuck you. This guy is a gem trader. He travels the solar system, and he says he just needs some on-board entertainment.”
“Ah hah!” He pulled a bag of Coca-Cola from the freezer, kneaded it, then poured it down his throat. The expensive, imported drink would automatically be deducted from his pay.
“As a dancer, that’s all.”
“What makes you think you’re going to be safe on any of these ships by yourself? Once they’ve got you onboard out in space, you’re at their mercy. Why are you so intent on getting yourself killed?”
“I’ve already killed a man. I can handle myself.”
“You’re still just a woman --” I gave him a killer look. “-- no matter how tough you think you are. Flesh and bone. They’re all going to want you for one thing.”
“So I’ll give it to them.”
Nate slammed the Coke to the desk and grabbed her shoulders. “Have you no self-respect? Yes, you killed someone, but in honor -- in defense of your mother, whether she wanted it or not. Where’s your honor now?”
I would not cry again. I’d burn on the sun before I would cry again. “I left it on Earth.”
His eyes wouldn’t leave mine, and his strong palms on my shoulders wouldn’t let me turn away. I wanted to scream in frustration and smack the look of concern from his face. But then his face drew nearer, a millimeter at a time, barely perceptible. What was he doing? We had customers to wait on. I could hear the shouts from the walk outside the store; they were waiting for us to open up. But Nate didn’t seem to care. His face was so big in my view that I couldn’t even look at it. I closed my eyes and waited for the warmth, the tenderness, of his lips against mine. A brush, a wisp of sensation, a hesitation, then more. A firm pressure, his lips against my own. I pressed my palms to his chest, wondering whether I should push him away. He was my boss ... beings needed fuel ...
Then his lips widened, inviting mine to follow. I’d imagined this many times since he’d saved me from the de Lunas. My mouth became an O, open and waiting to be filled by the man who’d accepted my past without a flinch. Then he did fill me with his questing tongue, wet and hot. I sucked it in and concentrated on the feeling, like nothing I’d felt before. Hot, sexy, caring, and suddenly it mattered that he was kissing me. It mattered that I might have to leave him behind.
So I bit his tongue. I had to. It was self-defense. I couldn’t have these feelings. They weren’t allowed.
“What the ...!” He jerked back angrily. “That hurt.”
I tried to blank my face. “You deserved it.” And before he could read more from my expression, I twisted free and ran out to the main store to unlock the door for the customers. The problem was, when Nate came out a few minutes later, he didn’t look angry. He didn’t avoid my eyes or keep a safe distance. Instead, he invaded my personal space.
“I’m going to smack you. I’m a killer, you know,” I said, trying to get away from him in the small cube behind the counter.
“Oh, I know.” And he grinned.
“And I am leaving with the gem dealer.”
Nate accepted credits from a customer, then turned back to me. He looked more grim than usual, with a stiff set to his jaw and a hardness in his eyes. “It’s not safe.”
I clenched my fists. “You’re not getting it. I thought you understood. I need to go home.”
“Your life will not suddenly become moons and stars just because you go home.”
“I don’t expect it to be.” It was like a spiritual longing, something calling me. I couldn’t deny the call. I ached with the waiting, the wanting.
“What if there was a safer way to get there? Would you wait just a little bit longer?”
“How long and what way?”
He exhaled slowly, scratched his nose, and looked past me as if he was trying to make up his mind about something. “I might be able to get you there.”
“Might?”
“I’m working on it. I might be able to call in some favors.”
I smiled, the first time I’d really smiled since the de Lunas had blasted off. “Well, tell me about it. What’s your idea?”
“Patience.” He stroked his thumb across my lower lip. I thought about nibbling it. “I need to check on some things. See what might work. It’s a long trip, and it requires some planning.”
“You better not just be stringing me along.”
“Chill, space girl. Give me a week.”
Chapter Four
Following Ju’s advice, Nate asked the Big Boss for the use of a ship. He wound up with a Voyager Centennial Class, which was a bit crude, but it would do. It’d do better if he could find a great mechanic willing to take a quick vacation to Earth. Nate would hate to wind up orbiting the moon or drifting in the asteroid field with a dead core.
Every time he worked with Helena, she asked him about his plans, which had started to wear on his nerves. Only the thought of long hours with the stars above him and Helena below him kept him from ditching the whole idea.
But besides lust, he knew Helena was a good person, despite her image of herself as a murderer. She always donated part of her pay to Interplanetary Goodworks, which he knew since he was in charge of her paycheck. She had a soft heart. Today was a perfect example. He’d once again brushed off her questions and sent her out to help fuel a Saturn Cruiser. Two of the settlers’ all-terrain vehicles were racing toward the Mars Bar when someone tumbled off the back, landing in the red dust. Helena immediately left her post and ran to help, even though that meant trekking out of the biosphere without a space suit. Her body flowed through the transparent wall of the biosphere. Once through, she ran for the suited child sitting in the clay.
Nate took over fueling the Saturn Cruiser, but kept his eyes on Helena in case she passed out from the lack of breathable air. The ATVs had disappeared around the corner of the building, not noticing their missing passenger.
Helena pulled the short person to its feet and propelled the pudgy child toward the biosphere wall. Once inside, Helena took a deep breath of oxygen and helped the child remove her helmet. It was a girl, an Elvin thing with long blonde hair and petite hands. Helena took the child’s hand and walked her further from the biosphere’s energy field. Her large brown eyes filled with tears as Helena patted her head and asked about her parents.
Nate turned back to the fuel pump the minute he realized Helena was walking in his direction with the child.
“Chartra, this nice man will help us find your parents. I promise.” Helena cleared her throat, and Nate turned, trying to look surprised. “Right, nice man?”
“Um, okay. Looks like they went to the bar. What are their names?”
Helena answered, since the girl was choking back sobs, her cheeks a puffy fuchsia. “She said it was her Uncle Chanaton and her dad. His last name is Quasar. She doesn’t know his first name, since he’s just ‘Dad’ to her.”
Nate reached for the handset near the fuel pump and commed Ju at the bar. “Okay, my friend Ju is going to look for them. I’m sure they’ll be here soon.”
Helena echoed the girl’s nod and guided her into the station.
Later, once the girl was safely returned to her family, Nate said, “That was a
risk going out unsuited.”
“She needed help. You know how it is to be in one of those suits when you’re little. They never fit quite right, and they make you feel like you’re going to suffocate even when they’re supposed to help you breathe.”
Actually, Nate couldn’t remember wearing a space suit as a child. He’d been Earthbound until it was time for University. Then he’d done an exchange program on Venus as part of his degree requirements. He thought it was Helena’s ability to empathize that helped her imagine it so completely.
“What about the ship?”
“Again with the ship! I’m starting to feel used.”
“Do you need something in exchange for transport?” She approached and skimmed her chest against his triceps. Tempting, far too tempting.
“I don’t need anything for transport,” he said, his voice a bit rougher than he meant it to be.
“Something to inspire you to move faster?” She rubbed along his back like a cat.
“I’m not taking from you,” Nate said, his ire elevating. Why was she so intent on selling herself? Could she not see she was worthy of friendship and help for herself alone? But when he thought about it, he realized that it made her feel more secure, more in control, if she could trade her body for a ride. She hated depending on kindness. Nate softened his expression and turned to face her. “I’m not taking from you. You’re my friend. That’s not to say I don’t want some good lovin’ from you. Hell, I’d jump at the chance, but it has to be mutual desire, not bartering.”
“I don’t understand you.”
“Well, try harder. I’m trying to understand you, because otherwise you’d be turning me off with your slut act.”
She leapt backwards as if he’d stung her with a taser. “You think I’m a slut?”
“I don’t. I think you’re acting like one.”
* * * * *
I couldn’t get that conversation out of my head for two reasons. One, because Nate had neatly sidestepped giving me any information about this ship and crew he was supposedly pulling together. Two, because he’d implied that by offering my body to him, I was actually driving him away. I rarely went in for self-introspection. It led to bad memories and regrets. I lived impulsively, in the moment, to avoid the pain of the past. I hadn’t realized I’d actually become sort of shallow. Like my desire to get back home wasn’t to see loved ones left behind or to make the universe a better place, it was just to put a piece of me back together. Totally selfish, but I knew in my heart it was also totally necessary.
