by Flynn Eire
It also turned me on.
You’re sick. He hurt you! Why are you hot and hard thinking about the man who’s given you so many nightmares?
Truth be told, I cried more for how our friendship had ended than the horrible sex. The nightmares I couldn’t escape were the ones of what had happened after Pierce hurt me.
When did you stop saying it was rape? Just because he explained on a few points? Kissing him back when he first pinned you down didn’t give him a green light for the rest.
But maybe part of it was on my shoulders? I’d been too shocked and naive to figure out where things were going when he’d ripped off my clothes. Obviously if I’d done things differently, bitten him or told him no like when he’d showed up to my room, he would have stopped.
Fine, but that doesn’t mean you’re not fucked in the head for lying here, hard, after waking from a dirty dream about him, wanting to squirm all over him and have those big, warm hands on your naked body.
I rolled out of bed and grabbed my shower stuff. Cold shower time. It was the shock of all the changes. It had to be that. That explained why I thought of sex and actually wanting it after all I’d been through.
“Oh, another night owl?” a deep voice asked as I entered the floor bathroom. I glanced up and up, taking a step back when I saw Bronx, Pierce’s team leader. “I won’t bite you. We’re here to protect the crest after all.” I nodded and slowly moved around him, clutching my towel in front of me as if that would shield me. I went over to an empty stall and turned on the water, hoping he would take the hint I didn’t want to talk. “Can’t sleep because you’re upset and want him to go, or is it that you’re confused now that you know he never wanted to hurt you?”
I didn’t answer at first, sticking my hand under the water to check the temperature. “Both and something more maybe? I don’t really know.”
“Well, I thought it rude to say you looked like you woke up from a dirty, dirty dream, but yeah, I know what more you’re referring to,” he chuckled. I glanced over my shoulder and saw him reach for one of the hair dryers from the crest supplies that were on the counters. Diego thought it was stupid for everyone to have one of everything when we were sharing bathrooms, and I tended to agree. Plus, a lot of bonding happened while getting ready for classes.
Hell, if he hadn’t pushed us in that way, I might not have ever talked to anyone in my crest or become friends with Spyros.
“Are you laughing at me?” I whispered, setting down my shower caddy on the bench of the stall. “Do you really think this is funny?”
“No, I’m not laughing at you, more at the oddity of seeing things from the other side. Remember, I only knew everything from Pierce, what he went through after, and meeting you, hearing how things went down is just… You’re not the only one who’s been thrown for a major loop here.”
“Makes sense. Yeah, I guess I never considered there was much after thought about me even with what he told me his parents said. I wouldn’t have thought any of you knew who I was or—”
“You’re both idiots,” he sighed, shaking his head. “Take your shower. It’s late.”
I thought it an odd, somewhat mean thing to say and hurried into the stall, closing the curtain behind me and deciding to chalk it up to the late hour. Stepping under the cool stream of water, I relaxed, letting go of my agitation from my dream and talking to Bronx. A guy like him couldn’t understand. As he’d said, he was on Pierce’s side.
I kept the shower quick, needing my sleep more than normal given how stressed out I was. A wave of relief washed over me when I saw Bronx gone as I exited the shower. Drying off quickly, I wrapped the towel around my waist, grabbed my belongings, and headed back to my room.
Only to find Bronx waiting outside the bathroom for me.
Crap!
“Look, I can’t begin to know or understand what you went through, and I’m not going to pry,” he muttered, holding out a notebook to me. “But I’m the type of person where if I don’t know all the details, I can’t get a handle on a situation. Plus, we can’t afford to have Pierce revert to his lovesick, useless side as when he transferred in. Especially not when he has a chance to reconcile with you if you’re dreaming about him.”
I started at him during his speech, but when he waved the notebook, I took it from him. “I don’t get it.”
“You will. Come find me when you want to talk. I have answers I’m sure you’ll want to know once your head stops swirling. Night.”
He walked away as if we’d been talking about the weather, his shoulders relaxed. Maybe telling me this took stress off of him since now everything was in my court?
I wasn’t sure, but I didn’t want to bump into anyone else, not able to risk the chance of another enlightening—but not really—talk with someone. Once I was in my room, I closed the door, locked it, set down my shower supplies, and flopped on my bed with the notebook. I couldn’t open it at first. Could Pandora’s Box come in notebook form?
But there was no chance of me falling asleep with this around if I didn’t look first. I mean, I didn’t know Bronx, but I did get the impression he wasn’t one for idle gossip or that he liked to start crap.
Opening it, I immediately recognized Pierce’s handwriting. The first page was titled with Photoshoot Ideas. And then I saw a list of some of the cutest ideas ever—puppies playing in rose petals, bright colored candles spelling words out, and world’s record type ice cream sundaes brought to sick kids in the hospital to name a few.
The list went on for about ten pages, in different pen colors and obviously written over time, years most likely. After that there were pictures ripped out of magazines taped onto pages and items from Amazon printed out stuck between pages. Every page, more and more of them. The whole notebook was a treasure trove of adorable.
Then the icing on the whole overwhelming cake was the last page. There were names, numbers—all kinds of information written down and then crossed out. It took me a moment to figure it out, but then it hit me… Clues. They were clues on how to find me. The first name and number was the roommate I’d had after Pierce had transferred schools. Others were students we’d sometimes hung out with. He’d tracked them all down. Looking over the pages, he had to have pursued thirty leads.
And my parents were on there. Of course, it was after I was shunned if they hadn’t told me, so there was no chance they’d have talked to Pierce.
I crawled into bed, hugging the notebook and not bothering to put back on my pajamas. I was tired. This whole thing made me tired. I wanted to go back to when I’d trusted Pierce, was closest to him, and the world was full of hope and potential because I was truly, madly, and deeply in love with him.
Then again, had that last part changed after what he’d done?
Next thing I knew, beeping filled the room and for a moment, Pierce, seeing him again, and even the bomb Bronx had dropped on me were the farthest things from my mind. I saw the date on my phone when I turned off my alarm, and I went cold.
“Happy birthday to me,” I whispered, before burying my face in my pillow and sobbing. I let myself have the time. I’d completely forgotten with Pierce reentering my life. The reason I’d had that nightmare about my high school horrors was because of the date coming… Or so I thought. Now it seemed more fate or a divine reckoning.
For Pierce. Showing up when he had meant he could see the fallout from what he’d done.
When I finished crying, I wiped my tears, pulled myself together, and started preparations. First, I grabbed the loofa I’d bought specially for today and walked naked to the joint bathroom with my head hung in shame… Because that was what was on the agenda for the day—shaming me. I was now twenty-one, an adult, and I hadn’t even made it that long as a pure banshee.
It was my duty, even as a shunned member of the community, that everyone around me know it.
“Oh gods, it’s today,” someone hissed, and I guessed Major. I had talked about this with Diego, but Major knew some of the specifics
given he’d grown up at fairy court.
Once in the bathroom, I went into the large stall with the bathtub but didn’t close the curtain, instead turning the water onto cold and scrubbing my filthy skin. Not to say I was physically dirty, but I as a person was. I scrubbed and scrubbed, allowing anyone and everyone to see me do it. Realistically I probably should have gone to the locker room or fuck, the fountain outside of the school to make a proper shameful spectacle of myself.
But Diego had put a stop to that plan, saying not making the crest look bad came before fairy traditions.
After my skin was red and raw all over and I could barely hold myself up I was so cold, I drained the tub and headed for my room… Only to find Pierce and a few of his team—including Bronx—in the hallway heading to get ready for the morning.
“What the fuck is going on?” Pierce worried, rushing towards me. “Why is your skin all bruised?”
I didn’t say a word, unable to speak from sunrise until sunset… And also not to be touched. So when Pierce reached for me, I was caught between a rock and a hard place.
“Stop!” Diego bellowed, and Pierce froze. “Leave Foster be. I can fill your team in later. The crest and teachers have been warned of what’s going on. Foster, I’m sorry I forgot it was today with their arrival. Go ahead and proceed.”
It kinda hurt that they were actually all saying that given today was my birthday too, but then again, I had. We’d had a lot going on.
When I reached my door, I felt a bit better to see a gift bag waiting for me. Unfortunately I couldn’t look at it or “celebrate” my birth when I had failed my people, so I gently pushed it to the side with my foot and entered my room.
Next, I pulled out the ceremonial gown I had received from my parents when they’d learned I had found my scream. No note, no “I’m sorry this happened to you” or “we love you”… Simply the gown in my size, ordered from the official banshee tailor of court who handled these things. And that was it. I’d never heard from them again, nor would have been received by them if I had tried.
Thank the gods for Diego saving me from the hell I’d been in and being willing to pay for my schooling, because stuck didn’t even describe where I’d been.
The gown would have been pretty if it hadn’t signified something soul crushing. Of course it was black, since I was dead to my community, and a gown of mourning my innocence in a way. Satin so it flowed as my scream now did. Long sleeves and full length, even dragging on the floor in the back. The interesting part was the huge slits up the sides that showed my legs almost all the way to my hips, and of course that had meaning as well.
That I’d been cut from my community and was no longer one of them. It hung off the shoulders, with basically an open front and back to the navel and butt except for strips of satin that crisscrossed… Another way to shame me, making large X’s for all to see against my skin. I was shocked they didn’t call me in and tattoo a scarlet letter on my forehead or something with how demeaning the intent of the garment was.
And it was something I had to wear at fairy court or gatherings if I ever attended. Granted, I wouldn’t be welcome with other banshees or around my own people, but if for some reason, say, Diego required me to go as my crest leader, that was what I had to wear to get through the door.
As if revealing that much wasn’t embarrassing enough, the matching “underwear” was horrible. Basically there was a satin pouch for my junk, held up by half inch spandex—satiny something—that snugly kept me in place and probably was considered some type of thong.
If a person was on crack maybe.
Still, I slipped it on and then the gown, swallowing down the need to sob, which delayed me even more. It took a while to get situated in strange clothes after all. I studied myself in the mirror and thought I actually looked good if my puffy red eyes were ignored. Grabbing my book bag with what I needed, I headed out the door, hoping the hours went by as quickly as possible.
“You look pretty at least,” Spyros greeted, forcing a smile. He’d been leaning against the wall next to my door, waiting. “Sorry I missed the naked Foster bathing show, but I’ll peek next time you shower.” I cracked a smile, and I knew that was what he’d been aiming for. I couldn’t reply though, but once sundown came, I might have a lot to say to him if he kept this up. “Your surprise party’s at eight so well after nightfall. Yes, yes, it’s a surprise, but if there’s ever a day you need help getting through, it’s today. Act surprised.”
I gave a slight nod and let him escort me to the elevator… Where I found the next person leaning against a wall waiting for me. Seriously, it was like the ghosts of holidays waiting for me. Christmas, right? Past and present? That was how the story went?
“We were filled in,” Pierce muttered, staring at his shoes. “I’ll escort you today and make sure no one pushes you to speak or tries to touch you. I know how important your traditions are to you, even if I find this one to be cruel. I’m the reason it’s happening after all.”
I couldn’t tell him no, but I could have turned around, done a bunch of things to deny him if I wanted to. I didn’t. I didn’t want to do this alone, and part of me thought Pierce suffering through the day was fair… The other part of me liked an excuse to have him near.
Again, I gave a slight nod and pushed the button for the elevator. Spyros gave us a little wave, shooting me a nervous look once we were on. The doors closed, and Pierce cleared his throat. He was nervous. That was always the clue he was nervous and had something to say he didn’t know how to.
He hasn’t changed.
“I didn’t want to upset you on your birthday by confronting you and handing you a present, so I thought leaving it by the door would be okay, because I couldn’t not give you one. I’m sorry if it wasn’t, because it was still sitting there when I came back from the shower.” I didn’t say anything, and he sighed, seeming to realize that I wouldn’t. “Right, can’t talk. Can you not celebrate your birthday either with this stupid fucking punishment for something that wasn’t your fault?”
I glanced at him and saw the anger in his features. He was pissed I would be shamed today over what had happened. It made me feel better. By chance he glanced at me then, and I gave a nod, answering his sarcastic question. His eyes filled with understanding, and his mouth opened as if to ask something else.
When the door opened, I took the escape and got out of there, the intimacy of the situation becoming too much.
“Do you have my notebook?” he called after me. I was still facing away from him, but I froze, unable to run from the question. Then after I gave a slight nod, I hurried to my first class.
Wow, he’d noticed it missing already? Bronx had only given it to me a few hours ago. My heart thumped thinking about how important that was to him.
“You can’t eat or talk, but is it a ‘nothing shall pass my lips’ kinda rule? Like can you drink?” Mylan, someone else in my crest who I was friendly with, but not friends like Spyros, asked when he sat down next to me a bit later in our lighting class. If he wasn’t always running behind, he could have simply come down with us, but I found it part of his charm he always raced around on his way to somewhere.
Lighting Techniques was a broad class meant for art majors who needed to use lighting in their works, or like me who wanted to learn to improve my photography. But there were also those who took it because they knew they’d be running the crest’s house and lighting was important in a room’s flow, and on and on.
I thought on Mylan’s question for a moment and then opened my notebook, writing out the actual rule I’d learned when I was young. He made a tsk sound under his breath and crossed his hands over his chest. Pierce had slid into the seat next to me, and I felt more than saw him read it too.
Deny thyself sustenance, as those full of shame are not worthy of the same nourishment as those who are worthy of praise.
“So water’s out given how much we need it,” Pierce muttered, shaking his head. “I don’t know why you’re p
utting yourself through this. It’s a stupid, horrible practice.”
“He can’t ever attend any fairy gatherings or court if he doesn’t, even on crest business,” Mylan explained. “And he has to cleanse himself this way the day before going according to the rules too.”
“I can’t believe Diego would make him—”
“He’s not. It’s Foster’s choice so he’s not impeding the crest in anyway. Now shut it. Class is starting, and talking about this doesn’t make it easier on him.” Mylan was right, and the way he talked to someone else, understood me in this, made me think maybe we were friends and I needed to stop hiding. But today, discussing it only made me want to cry.
After lighting class, there was an intro to graphics. Mylan didn’t attend that one, being his major was graphic design and he was light years ahead of introduction. I was taking it with some first years simply so I learned some basics in case I ever needed to do something with my photographs quickly on my own.
Next was online marketing. I’d decided on this one once I’d learned more from Diego about the companies the crest was planning. I glanced at Pierce, and it reminded me that I should get pictures of his team in full gear while they were here. Might be good for a brochure or whatever later on.
Then came the fun of lunch… Which I couldn’t eat but had to attend as normal.
Shame was brought upon thyself. Cowardice goes in hand. To cleanse thyself, hiding what thy has done cannot be allowed.
I wanted to roll my eyes. Why did I have to think of that as I walked into the cafeteria?
“Oh gods, Foster, I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize you’d have to parade around in a dress today,” someone said loudly from behind me, fake pity in their voice. I didn’t even know their name.
Asshole.
It got the desired effect though, as everyone focused on me. Some people were genuine, others were being jerks and making comments about what I was wearing. Either way, I wanted to melt into the floor.
