by Flynn Eire
I didn’t make a move, not wanting to scare him immediately. What shocked me was when he reached back for my hand and guided it under the shirt, leaving my hand to rest on his hip. “I want to say ‘I love you’ as easily as you do. I’m pretty sure that’s how I feel. I mean, nothing else could have made me move past what happened, right? It’s just I feel as if I need more unclouded time. Smaller steps than jumping in and professing it. Is that okay?”
“It’s more than I deserve,” I whispered, pulling him closer and kissing his neck. “Worlds more than I deserve.”
Falling asleep with him felt wonderful beyond words… Waking up alone the next morning did not.
I jumped out of bed, glanced at the clock, and got my ass moving. How could he leave without even waking me up? Was he trying to tell me something?
I was dressed—having stopped at my room long enough to grab clean clothes—and brushing my teeth as I ran. Honestly, it was a miracle I ended up on the elevator alone, otherwise someone would have gotten a good show. But I was pretty much still a mess as I reached the loading dock, only pausing to spit out toothpaste and rinse my mouth in one of the kitchen sinks.
“No, really, Spyros, I need your help at the pool. There’s something there I need you to tend to. We’ve got this delivery,” Bronx coaxed, shooting me a death look as I rushed up. “You said you had this. Why did I get dragged out of bed on my one day off, asshole?”
“Right, sorry, didn’t set an alarm and thought I was getting a wake up,” I muttered, grabbing the keys and clipboard from him. “I’ll cover your next grounds shift so you can sleep through a night.”
“Yeah fine, be back with dinner and make it my favorite,” he grumbled, his patience lost as he easily picked up Spyros and threw the man over his shoulder. “When the fuck I became cupid is beyond me. I’m not wearing a diaper, but I might start shooting people with arrows!”
I climbed in the driver’s seat without glancing at Foster, who sat quietly next to me. “Buckle up.”
“I am,” he whispered. That was all he had to say to me? I started the van and threw it into drive much harder than I needed to, but at least I kept myself somewhat in check until after we were well off campus.
“So was that your revenge? Leaving me alone in your bed without even a note, much less waking me to say goodbye, as if I was some cheap one night stand?”
“That’s why you’re so angry?” He waited until I nodded and shot him a glance. When I saw sadness in his eyes, confusion started to replace my anger. “You get one day off a week, and it’s been crazy since you got here between us and me hurting you and—all of it. I wanted you to sleep and not have to get up because I did. I didn’t think about a note. That would have been smart. Sorry, never had a man in my bed overnight before.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really. I told you I’ve not wanted to be active since Diego saved me. Not until meeting you again.”
I probably should have let it go there, but I could blame being stupid. “So it wasn’t you wanting to get space from me and gladly having an outlet to run to without seeming like you were running?” Foster didn’t say anything, instead worrying his lower lip. Maybe I should have left it alone? Then I could have assumed that wasn’t the case instead of the stabbing pain now forming in my chest.
“Maybe? But if I didn’t have this today, the same breather could have been handled by going downstairs to get us breakfast I would have brought back to bed. I woke up with a man, not just any man but one who’s been in my nightmares at times after doing a horribly embarrassing thing last night. Yeah, I would have wanted a time out but not a long one.”
“You got that,” I muttered, sneaking a glance at him. “So you’re not disappointed I’m here?”
“No, as long as you stop being angry. I think you forget given your power how hot it gets around you when you’re upset. I’m sweating buckets over here.”
“Sorry.” I shot him a look, which his eyes met, and we both burst out laughing. How big of idiots could two people be? “At least we talked. I like that we’re at a place we can talk if something comes up.”
“Yeah, me too.” The bright smile on his face told me it was the truth.
Dropping off the donation was fun, somewhat embarrassing… Especially when I got jealous of the way one of the workers at the shelter acted towards Foster.
“It’s so great that you keep doing this for us,” she gushed, running her hand over Foster’s arm as I dragged load after load of jugs into their store room.
Great, so not only do I have to watch them flirt, but I’m doing all the work too. Fun, fun outing. I wracked my brain on what to do and then finally just couldn’t take it anymore. “Babe, you figure out where you want to go for breakfast? Or you want to go straight for lunch so we can share that milkshake you promised me for the manual labor?”
Foster’s jaw fell open, and the woman did a double take. Okay, so that might have been a bit much, but damn that woman and her tentacle type hands!
It shocked me when he simply glanced down and seemed to realize that her hands were on him as they pulled away when she comprehended he was gay. Then he shot me a look that clearly said “subtle” for what I’d done.
Followed by a smirk. “Oh no, you were treating me for letting you jump on this trip and spend time with me.”
“I’m sorry, you’re right, after not even getting a thank you for your birthday gift.”
His face paled, and I almost burst out laughing at how comical he looked right then. “No, oh no, gods, I didn’t even look. I got drunk at my party and didn’t even look at any of the presents yet. I’m a horrible friend! I have to write thank you cards too.”
“So we’re hitting the stationary store?” I joked, but Foster meekly nodded. “You’re lucky I love you. That’s the only way I’d be caught dead in that kind of store.”
“How did we not know that you had a boyfriend all this time?” the woman asked Foster, bringing things back to her and shooting me a less-than-friendly look. Oh, bitch and I could throw down if she wanted.
“He’s at a different school but is studying here for the semester,” Foster blurted as if he’d just come up with that excuse… Except that was what we were supposed to tell people.
The floor fell out from under me at his next words.
“But I’m totally in love with him, we’re completely committed, and I’m going to marry him someday.” His eyes were wide as saucers when he finished, what he said sinking in.
“Does he need to sign anything? I’ve loaded them all in the store room,” I asked as I closed up the back of the van. She shook her head, and in the blink of an eye Foster was over my shoulder. “Okay, see you next time then.”
She waved silently, and from the way he moved I guessed Foster returned the gesture without a word. I got him into the van and buckled in before racing around to my side and doing the same. I drove away for a few minutes and then found somewhere to pull over.
And then I dragged him into the back of the van where no one could see us. I found a blanket and spread it out before I spread him out.
“Did you mean that? What you said to her? Or were you saying that to get out from playing more Q and A with her? Is that how you really feel?”
“It is,” he breathed, and I wasn’t sure which question he was answering until he took another breath and finished. “How I feel. That is how I feel. I didn’t know it until I said it, but I do feel that way—about you.”
I didn’t think he’d admit that. “We’re messing around now, and tonight I’m making love to you unless you tell me no and honestly, I’d like to hear you say you’re okay with the plan too.”
“Yeah, I’m in if you’re careful and gentle.”
Those were two things I would always be with Foster for the rest of my life. Never again would I be so stupid and treat him roughly, carelessly. He deserved only the best.
“Foster, you’re not ready,” Pierce whispered gently. “It’s okay, let’s
just go to bed.”
“No, really, I swear I’m ready this time,” I argued, yanking my shirt off over my head. “I can do this.” I heard the whining and panic in my voice and wanted to cry.
“Actually, I’m tired,” he muttered, that same disappointment that filled his eyes every night for the past month shining back at me. But each time… Each time it was worse. Pierce was going to leave me, give up. I knew it. “You initiated tonight. Doesn’t that count as a win?”
“No, I don’t want to lose you,” I rasped, eyes burning.
“Hey, hey,” he growled, sitting up and grabbing my arms. “You will not lose me because you aren’t ready for sex after what happened to you. I started the dominoes on that. It’s at my feet. We could never have sex, and I will love you just the same, never leave your side.”
I pushed him away and shook my head. “Even if that’s true, the disappointing looks will lead to resentment.” I leapt off the bed and darted out of the room. I knew I overreacted, a total baby when it wasn’t called for. I simply couldn’t turn off how monumental this was, and that scared me more than anything.
That first night, when he touched my hole, I freaked out. I actually slapped him and screamed I wouldn’t take the pain again.
I’m such an idiot. He’s going to think I’m doing this on purpose to torture him! I sank against the bathroom door, hiding in the little alcove, replaying that night and every night’s mishaps since then. Pierce was a simple guy. He would come to the conclusion I planned to fuck with him and never actually be with him.
Nothing could be further from the truth. I’d realized how much I loved him when I said it to the shelter’s coordinator. Fuck, I loved him enough to get over the mistakes he’d made.
“Dude, you look like someone wrestling with his demons,” Gwen chuckled as he knelt in front of me. I lifted my head to meet his gaze, wondering how he could make such a tasteless pun at the moment. He rolled his eyes. “Right, sorry, I meant inner demons. Not wrestling with—whatever, not important. What’s going on?”
“I want to have sex, but apparently I wig out or can’t get over the fear. Pierce knows I’m upset, but he won’t help me push through it, too scared over his previous actions with me.” I wiped tears angrily. “Are we doomed to fail? Can’t we get back on the path we might have once been on?”
“Oh, Foster. How could I say no even if I believed it when you make such faces?” He gave a loud sigh and plopped on the ground with me. “You need to reset the stage, cutie. You guys are going for a redo of what happened, but I would bet the way you’re doing it makes that impossible. I promise if you switch things up, you’ll get over this block.”
I blinked up at him and then glanced around before leaning in. “How do you switch things up in sex? You can’t possibly mean I take him, right?”
“Why not? Wasn’t what I meant, but what’s wrong with you topping? Who says the twerp needs to be on the bottom?”
“I think that would make me even more nervous if I were in charge,” I admitted, starting to sweat again. “But I kinda get it. Thanks.” I slapped on the best smile I could and stood.
“Hey, you’re full of shit.” I flinched and then ducked my head. He was so right. “Foster, you’ve only known pain and heartache in this area. Try living the fantasy, okay? Take as much time as you need and then ask Pierce for your fantasy. He’ll do it for you.” He paused and then sighed when I didn’t respond. “Do you have a fantasy? Something you always wanted to do or have sex in a certain place?”
My head snapped up as my cheeks heated. I watched his face turn into a smile as he realized he’d said the right thing. I nodded and hurried off. Okay, that idea I could grasp onto.
When I returned to my room, Pierce was pacing like mad, his face full of worry as I walked in. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, Foster. I don’t know how to—but I’m not angry or—”
“I know. Me too.” I smiled when he seemed relieved and because I had a plan now. “Gwen gave me an idea. Grab a blanket.” He did it without asking what was going on while I snatched the bottle of lube that had been sitting on my nightstand mocking me since that first failed attempt. Then I slid my hand in his and led him to the roof of the dorm.
“Here? You want to try it here?”
“Not it,” I corrected as I took the blanket from him. He still had a confused look, so I decided to tell him the whole thing. “Gwen tried to help and said we were trying to recreate or change what happened and it doesn’t work that way. We need to move forward and let go of the pressure. Even if he suggested a fantasy and the only one I have is from before it all happened, I guess it’s forward since we never did my idea and we’re in a place now I can ask you for it.”
“I’m not sure I understand, but if you tell me what you need, anything you want, I’ll do it, Foster.” He said it so earnestly that anyone would have believed him. That was Pierce’s way after all. He was all in or totally out.
“Remember when we would sneak out to the roof of the dorms when someone pissed you off and the night air would cool you down? I brought that book of stars from the library, and we’d pretend that was the real reason we were up there though neither of us ever remembered any of the constellations?”
“Yeah, I loved those times. But it wasn’t that I was pissed off—that happened a lot more than when we snuck out. It was when someone bullied you or tried to take advantage of you. That’s when I couldn’t calm down.”
I felt my cheeks get even hotter as I sat on the spread out blanket. “I used to dream you’d toss the book away and tell me you were happy to be alone with me. Then we didn’t do it, but you would get me naked and find all my good spots, take me places I’d never been before.” I swallowed loudly and finally met his eyes. “Can we do that? Not sex but like third base? Maybe I won’t be so scared if I know it’s not about getting into the end zone?”
“I love how you mix metaphors,” he chuckled, sitting down next to me. Pierce leaned in and slowly kissed me. Then he moved along my neck and over my shoulder before going lower. “I think this is a great fantasy.” I didn’t have any words to acknowledge what he said because his hands slipped into my pants and removed them and my underwear in a flash.
The night air ran frozen fingers over my body, but in contrast to the heat Pierce gave off, the whole thing titillated me. Honestly, it left me in a state of euphoria and almost dream like. That could be the only reason I acted so boldly, spreading my legs for him in a blatant invitation while holding up the lube I’d brought with us.
“What are you giving me permission for?” Pierce asked, glancing from my groin to my face and back again. “Be specific. I wouldn’t survive if I screwed up again and hurt you.”
“It’s okay, I’ve learned to say no, remember? I won’t let myself be paralyzed by shock and stay quiet.” I saw in his eyes that wasn’t enough, so I sucked it up and let my desires out. “I’ve never been gently played with, explored. That’s what I want.”
“I can do that.” He gave me a confident smile, but his shaking hands betrayed him as he took the lube from me. I tried to swallow back my nerves, so lost in getting a grip on myself that when his finger pushed at my hole, I had to bite back a scream. “Breathe, Foster. I promise I studied enough to not bring you any pain.”
True to his word, it felt weird, a bit of pressure, but never did it hurt as he worked one, and then two, moving onto three fingers. He brought me several orgasms, the air around us becoming needier and needier as he did.
“I’m ready for you,” I cried on the last climax. I saw Pierce’s eyes go wide as lights flashed behind my own. When I returned to myself, he still hadn’t gotten undressed or moved, frozen like a deer in headlights almost. “Pierce, I’m sure. I want this.”
Then he moved alright. I could barely keep up as he unzipped his jeans, pushed them down, and pulled his fingers out of me before spreading my legs wider and I felt his cock against my hole.
“Um, you’re not going to undress?” I squeake
d, feeling a bit put off by that. “You’re still dressed with your dick just out.”
“Right, yeah, good point.” He grabbed either side of his jeans and ripped them off, before doing the same with his shirt—but only using one hand—while bringing me closer.
“Pierce, you’re not giving me hope you’ve got yourself under control,” I worried, shaking under his touch.
“I do, I don’t want you to change your mind.” He slowed down when it came time to enter me, so he really did have it together. I cried out and came again when he pushed in, my hole already twitching from the last climax, and something as large as his cock must have sent me over the edge.
Hell if I understood any of it. I might have had a lot of sex, but never making love or anything enjoyable. It had all been forced after all.
No, don’t think about that. This and that have nothing to do with each other. I felt better catching the thoughts and throwing them away, and when Pierce worked more of himself in me, there wasn’t any brain power left for random anything. I grabbed onto his biceps, and he glanced up from where he was watching to make sure I didn’t tear.
“You’re okay, yeah?” I panted, unsure of what else to say knowing we were both nervous as hell.
He laughed, sending waves of pleasure through me where we were attached. “Better than okay. This is amazing, Foster. You feel—well, way different and better than I remember.” His face fell, and I realized it was because I winced. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m so stupid.”
“Hey, no, it’s okay. It’s better for me too.” I blushed saying that, but at least he smiled, leaning over me, folding me into a ball so he could reach my lips without shoving the rest of the way in me. “I love you, Pierce. I won’t let our past stumble ruin all the good times we had and can have anymore.”
“I love you so much it kills me I ever hurt you,” he whispered, burying his face in my neck and inhaling. I gasped as he pushed in further, his lips starting to do delicious things to me at the same time. It took another few minutes, but suddenly he grabbed me and sat back on his feet. “I’m in, all the way in. Does it hurt?”
