He leans in and gives me a light kiss.
We arrive at Manikarnika Ghat, where fires burn continually with cremations of the deceased. In contrast to the other ghats, the surrounding buildings are considerably more dingy, covered in years of soot.
We are drifting at least a hundred feet away from the ghat, but close enough to see two bodies lying on the steps, wrapped in brightly colored fabric. A third body is being dipped in the Ganges by several men, before it will be taken to the fire. Our guide explains that being cremated here liberates the soul from the cycle of life and death, which is why many Hindus come here to die. I silently wonder if this is where Dadi will be laid to rest, but don’t feel it’s appropriate to ask.
It’s difficult to tell through the smoke how many cremations are taking place, but I’m surprised to detect no offending smell—just burning wood. The guide is explaining the differences in wood, how the wealthy buy sandalwood because it burns the best, however, I’m more intrigued by the activity along the bank. It seems chaotic, as men wander the ghat with various duties. Animals, such as cows and goats, can be seen. Dogs even scavenge at the edge of the water.
Everyone is so... unaffected. I overhear our guide explain that women are not permitted at the cremations, because it is believed their sorrow will detract the soul from its journey.
It’s strange, the vast contrast in perspectives between the East and West. Observing this display, it’s all very matter-of-fact, an acceptance of the process, where we westerners don’t deal nearly as well. There is clearly an understanding that death is yet another juncture of our existence, that, as a whole, we in the West don’t seem to embrace.
As we make our journey back, I wish the kids were here to experience it with me, although I’m not sure I would have had such an appreciation of this place when I was in my early twenties.
I miss them, and really hope David has stopped pestering Carly. I still haven’t responded to his last message, even though I know I should.
***
“Well, what did you think?” Kiran asks as we walk up the steps upon returning to Dasaswamedh. “You’ve been quiet.”
I respond with a brief shiver, trying to express the effect on me. “It was wonderful. I’ll never forget it.”
Following the tour, I decide I would like to bring home some holy water with me as a keepsake, and purchase one of the small vials that are sold by the Ganges.
“I didn’t want to ask while we were on the boat, and this is probably an ignorant question, but why are there swastikas on some of the buildings?” Surely this place was never occupied by Nazis, but I’ll be the first to admit that history isn’t my strong suit.
“Oh, the symbol has been used by Hindus long before Nazi Germany. It means to be good.”
How sad that Hitler changed how the world sees the symbol now.
Planning to return this evening to watch the fire worship ceremony we missed last night, we remain for only another hour, doing some shopping and stopping for a couple of snacks, before heading back.
After last night, I’m not quite sure what to expect once we reach the apartment. I could actually go for a nap from getting up so early. What can I say? I love my sleep. But I certainly wouldn’t be averse to something other than sleeping.
Kiran takes a couple water bottles from the refrigerator for the two of us as I set my bag on the kitchen bar. Each of us sits on one of the couches in the living room and we make small talk about the morning. Then, uncomfortable silence.
I take a sip from my bottle and put the lid back on. “Well, I’d kind of like to lie down for a while, if that’s alright.”
“Of course. I want you to make yourself at home here.”
I stand up, and my blood races as I try to think of a smooth way to ask him to join me.
Nope. I got nothin’.
“I thought I would go spend some time with Dadi,” he adds.
“Oh!” Crap. I know there’s now disappointment on my face that I don’t want him to see. “Okay.”
“Unless... you don’t want me to.”
Geez! Why can’t I just come out with it? This is so painful! I stand here like an idiot, looking around the room, and shrug. “Um, I just thought you might like to come with me.”
He rises from his seat and walks over to me, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Of course I would,” he says softly, “but I didn’t want to presume anything.”
***
After a highly enjoyable tryst, I rest my head in the crook of his arm. I’ve come to the determination that I am completely mad about this man, but I have no idea what this is between us. Is it a fling? Are we dating? At one time, Kiran told me he would like for us to be more than friends, but what does that mean? He’s been pretty closed-lipped since we ravaged each other last night, but then again, so have I.
“So...” I prop myself up on one elbow.
“So,” he echoes with a smile.
“So, I’m wondering what this thing is that we’ve got going on here.”
He props himself on his elbow, mirroring me. “That’s a very good question, one that I would like an answer to as well.”
“Oh.” I don’t know what to say to that. I’m not sure it’s such a good idea to start blathering about how crazy I am about him this early, but I do want him to know I really, really like him.
He places his hand on mine. “I don’t know how you feel. Sometimes I can’t read you that well.”
“Sorry. I’m not trying to be unreadable.” I lick my lips as my mouth goes dry. “I like you. A lot.”
“But...”
My forehead wrinkles as I shake my head. “No. There’s no but. I just like you. A lot!” I grin stupidly and my face heats up.
He traces his hand up my arm. “I have some pretty strong feelings for you, Anna, but I’ve been withholding them because I’m worried I’ll scare you away.”
I purse my lips and question him silently.
“I made you nervous in the beginning, remember?” he says with a slight smile. “Which is why I’m making every effort not to come on so strong.”
I’m dying to say, I’m ready to hear about those strong feelings! Lay ’em on me! But it wouldn’t be fair for me to encourage him to spill when I’m so hesitant to tell him how I feel. “Now that I know you, I don’t think it’s possible for you to scare me away.”
“I’m glad. So for now, we can just leave things with really liking each other.”
I smile and nod. “I’m good with that.”
My cell phone vibrates on the night table beside me, but I don’t move to answer it. Ever since yesterday, I can no longer get excited, expecting that it’s one of the kids when it could be David.
“You don’t have to ignore that because of me,” Kiran says.
“It’s fine.”
He gives me a knowing look. “You’re not going to risk missing a message from Carly or Hayden for fear that it’s David, are you?”
I bite my lip and groan. “You got me.” I roll over and pick up my phone to view the message.
So that’s it? You’re seriously not going to respond to me?
I sigh heavily and flop myself flat on my back.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
“I just don’t know what to say to him anymore that hasn’t already been said. Why is it so important to him that he and I remain friendly?”
Kiran runs a hand over my stomach and looks me in the eye. “Because he knows he made a mistake.”
Those green eyes have become my favorite place to lose myself, and I try to read them. I know he must be worried that I’ll get back together with David. I mean, if the tables were turned, I would have the same concerns, but there is no way it’s going to happen.
“He doesn’t think he made a mistake because he still loves me,” I say gently. “It’s only because he knows I’m here, with you, that he’s freaking out. If you weren’t in the picture, he wouldn’t give me a second thought.”
He raises his eyebrows
. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that.”
“I don’t want to talk about him anymore, okay?” I snuggle up to him. “Will you stay for a while? Or are you going up to see Dadi?”
He smooths my hair. “I’ll stay here for a while. If I’m gone when you wake, you know where I’ll be.” Nisha has invited us over for a traditional Indian dinner tonight before we take another taxi into old town. I really would enjoy seeing Dadi, but I’m kind of apprehensive about being in Nisha’s company.
My stomach is unsettled as I drift off to sleep. I’m hoping after a little rest, I’ll be good to go for the ceremony at the ghats tonight.
Twenty-Five
I wake to the most horrendous stomach cramps and nausea, and sprint for the bathroom. I barely make it to the toilet when I vomit violently into the bowl. No, no, no! I cannot get sick while I’m here! My stay isn’t long enough to afford this setback.
I’m horrified to realize that my intestinal distress is about to strike at the other end. Lord, could this be any worse? Maybe if I pray to Shiva...
My stomach is searing with pain, and that damn YouTube video comes to mind. How did they word it so eloquently? Worst case scenario, eject an explosive flock of sparrows. This is without a doubt, worst case scenario, and the analogy doesn’t seem quite so funny now.
After twenty minutes of being unable to drag myself from the toilet, I’m certain there’s nothing left in my intestines and crawl back into bed, when I hear Kiran come through the front door.
The nausea is gripping, and I fling the covers over my head, groaning.
“Anna? Are you okay?” he asks, entering my room.
“No!” I cry. “I can’t go tonight because I’ve got Delhi Belly!”
“Ohhh.” He chuckles sympathetically, when another wave of nausea strikes and I make a mad dash to the bathroom.
I’m absolutely mortified when he comes to the doorway as I hang onto the bowl for dear life. “Could you please hand me that hairband?” I whimper.
He picks up a rubber band I had left on the counter, gathers my hair away from my face, and fastens it back.
“Thank you.”
“I’ll get you some water. You need to stay hydrated.”
When he leaves for the kitchen, I close the bathroom door and flip on the fan, feeling another bout of diarrhea coming on. Why oh why?
I emerge from the bathroom to see Kiran by the bed, with the blankets straightened and neatly pulled down. “Come lie down and drink some water.” I climb into bed and he hands me the bottle. “Just small sips, though. You don’t want to toss it back up.”
I do as he says, he takes the bottle from me, and I lie back on my pillow. “I was so careful, too. I didn’t even eat anything I shouldn’t have!”
“It still happens. I brought antibiotics with us, just in case it’s bacterial, but you need to wait until your stomach calms so you can keep them down.” He leans across me and dabs a cool rag to my face, and I swear to God, his tender gaze is going to be the end of me.
“You’re so good, Kiran,” I say weakly as he presses the rag to my forehead. “I’m sorry the women in your past didn’t see that. Though, I guess that’s easy for me to say because you’re so... well, look at you.” I shrug. “Maybe I would be just as shallow if you weren’t so beautiful.”
Okay, that was probably a little too much honesty, and I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t been so forthcoming.
Kiran straightens and removes the cloth from my face. “The word shallow and you don’t even belong in the same sentence. You still don’t get it, do you?”
Get why he has a thing for me? No, not really.
“I know you think it’s strange because it was such a long time ago, and I’m not sure you’ve ever known what it feels like to be on the outside. But I’m not lying when I say in the six months I went to that school, you were the only person I recall who showed me an ounce of kindness. You don’t think that left an impression on me?”
There’s frustration in his voice, as if I will never fully understand, and I’m so exhausted from all the hurling that all I do is pitifully stare back at him. He leans forward and lays the rag on my forehead. “You okay now? Do you think you might be able to keep the antibiotic down if I bring one to you?”
“I’ll try.”
He returns with a capsule and I swallow it before gulping down the water. I must already be feeling the fluid loss because I’m suddenly very thirsty.
“Ah!” Kiran grabs the bottle from my hand. “Sipping only. I mean it. Unless you want your stomach to reject all that water you’re forcing on it.” He stands up and puts his hands on his hips. “I’ll call Nisha and tell her we won’t be able to make dinner tonight.”
“You go. There’s no reason for you to miss it just because I’m sick.”
“I’m not leaving you here by yourself like this.”
“I’ll be fine. Really. I’m already starting to feel a little better. I think I might be emptied out.”
Kiran shakes his head and smiles. “I admire your optimism, but I don’t think your intimate relationship with the toilet is over yet.”
I roll my eyes with embarrassment. “Okay, maybe it isn’t, which is all the more reason I don’t want you here! I’ll call or message if I need you.”
He sits down beside me and gently rubs the top of my head. “Are you sure?”
I nod in response.
After Kiran leaves, I take the opportunity to FaceTime the kids. At least now I won’t be waking them so early. This time I call Hayden, and he picks up on my first try.
“Hey, Mom! How’s it goin’?”
“Ugh! Not so good. I’m sick, and it’s coming out both ends.”
Hayden starts cracking up. It’s good to hear his laugh. “Noooo! Did you drink the water?”
“No! I’ve been totally good. It’s just wrong.”
“Nothing like a little Montezuma’s Revenge to kill the romance, eh?”
I cover my eyes and chuckle. “Ahhh, you aren’t kidding. Where’s Carly?”
“She’s already in the shower.”
“How are things going over there? Is David still hounding her?”
He walks down the hallway to his room and closes the door. “I don’t know,” he says, lowering his voice. “If he is, she probably wouldn’t say anything to me now. Have you talked to him?”
“No,” I sigh. “How are classes going? How’s Tessa?”
“School’s good.” He nods.
“And Tessa?”
He rubs the back of his neck. “Yeeeah... That didn’t work out.”
“What happened?”
“She went for an engineering major.” He shrugs.
“Oh. Sorry, sweetie. That sucks.”
“It’s all good,” he says with a forced smile. “Plenty of fish, right?”
“For you?” I smirk. “Absolutely!”
“Look, I gotta hit the shower myself, so I’m gonna have to let you go.”
“Okay. Tell Carly I called. Love you!”
“Love you, too.”
“And Hayden? I’m sorry about Tessa.”
He scrunches his face. “No worries.”
I hang up, and I’m hit with another bathroom emergency. I guess Kiran was right.
***
After passing out in bed for about an hour, I pick up my phone, navigate to David’s last message, and finally send a response.
I’m not trying to be mean. I just don’t know what else to say.
There’s a knock on my bedroom door.
“Come in.”
Expecting Kiran, I’m surprised when Nisha opens the door and I sit up. “Hi.”
“Is it okay if I come in?” she asks, holding a bowl with a lid on it.
“Sure.”
“Kiran told us how sick you are. Are you feeling any better? I brought some chicken broth, if you want to try to eat something.”
“Oh, that’s so thoughtful.”
She sets it on the nightstand. “I didn’t think
you would be up for curry,” she says with a laugh.
“No, probably not.”
There are no chairs in the small room, so she motions to the side of my bed. “May I?”
“Of course.”
Nisha is dressed elegantly in an emerald blouse, wearing the scarf I gave her. She puts her hand on the covers where my leg is. “I want to apologize for what I said to you yesterday. Kiran told me I upset you.”
I rub my eyes and shake my head. “No. I didn’t want Kiran to say anything. It wasn’t a big deal.”
“He’s right. It wasn’t my place to interfere. It’s just that...” Her large almond-shaped eyes seek mine. “I was never able to have children. Kiran is my brother’s only child, and he is like my own. You understand?”
Not that Hayden has gone through the same emotional hardships as Kiran, but I can’t help but think about my conversation with him earlier. “I absolutely understand. The thought of some girl breaking my son’s heart doesn’t sit well with me, either.”
“I wasn’t trying to imply bad intentions on your part.”
“No, it’s fine.”
She smiles and nods. “Well, I’ll let you get back to your rest. Would you like me to get you a spoon for the broth?”
“I can sip it. And Nisha?” She’s halfway to my door when she turns and stops. “Thank you for coming.”
Twenty-Six
After Nisha leaves, I stand under a hot shower and wash my hair. Feeling refreshed, but still weak, I bring my laptop to bed with me to go on Facebook for a little while, and post some of the photos I’ve taken. I haven’t talked with Luke or Julia at all since I arrived, so I send each of them a private message, letting them know how things are going. I scroll down the newsfeed to look through the status updates, clicking “like” on the occasional baby photo or funny postcard, when it dawns on me I’m still friends with David.
He never unfriended me when we split, so I left it alone, too. But now he’s going to see those photos, and he’s probably going to feel like I’m rubbing this trip in his face. Damn it! I should have filtered the pics so they wouldn’t show in his newsfeed.
Vegas to Varanasi (Fortytude Series Book 1) Page 14
