by Lily O'Brien
I was so excited, but as I walked towards the tree the woman told me to go away as none of the presents were for me. So I sat on the stairs and I watched through the living room doorway as the children’s mother handed them their presents and I never got a thing, not even a bar of chocolate. When the woman had finished handing out the presents, I was so upset that I went back to my room and I never bothered coming out again until the next day; and throughout the whole time I spent in my room, no one ever came up to see if I was ok. I never got a chance to celebrate Christmas and I was treated like I was nothing; it was as if I had no feelings and I didn’t matter to anyone and I was nothing for them to worry about.
Over the years, the nuns continued to send me on the so-called holidays; and the next time they sent me away, they sent me to a man and woman who were very good to me, and they treated me like I was their own child. They lived on a farm and they had many other children staying with them, but none of the children were their own, ‘lost souls’ they called them, but everyone seemed to be happy. My Christmas with them was fantastic, I never thought Santa Claus would ever come to me as I came from a children’s home and he never visited children’s homes; well, at least that was what the nuns had always told me. I always thought Santa never liked me because he never gave me anything. But this time it was different, all the children and I got presents, I even got what I wanted; it was a pram and a doll and I was so happy, I just couldn’t believe I got presents. I loved the family and I wished that the man and woman had been my mum and dad.
We played all day long and all the children were nice to me, apart from one boy who resented me and hated me for being there. He was jealous of the attention that the man and woman were giving me and, whenever no one was around, he would thump me into my back with his fist; day and night, he would pinch me and pull my hair and he would do anything he could to make me unhappy. However, I loved it there and no matter what he did to me, I didn’t want to leave them.
The day after Christmas, it snowed and we all went with the man and woman to their granddad’s house; and while we were there, we used the bonnet of the old man’s old Morris minor van to slide down the hills. The hills were big and sliding down them was great and the best fun I had for years; but every time we went down the hill, we had trouble stopping at the bottom and we almost went into a stream. The whole day was fun and I never even missed my own family. When the holiday was over and I went back to my home, Willows, and I told Sister Ann all about the fun that I had had and she said that she would try to send me to them again. But before the chance came, the man and woman moved away, and I never saw them again.
Instead, Sister Ann found a nice old couple for me to stay with and their names were Alice and Terry. They had never had any children and Alice used to be a teacher and her husband, Terry, still worked in a bank. They were good people and they never once raised their voices to me. Alice had a little dog and, whenever I went to stay with the couple, I was allowed to keep the dog with me for the whole time; and even when I went to bed, I was allowed to have the dog cuddle into me. The dog was the only friend I had and she never left my side. Alice and Terry were just crazy about me and from then on the nuns allowed me to go and stay with them on almost every holiday I had. They even allowed me to stay with them on the Christmas and Easter holidays and Alice even had presents kept for me, so that we could celebrate my birthday together, and they gave me more presents than I could ever have wished for in my life. It took me a while before I could fully trust them both, but once we all got to know each other it was great, and eventually Alice and Terry instructed the nuns never to send me anywhere else for my holidays again. They insisted the nuns send me only to them and to no one else, and for some reason the nuns agreed.
Alice and Terry treated and loved me as if I was their own child and Alice did as much as she could to make me feel happy. Alice even made clothes for me and she always took me with her when she went out shopping; and every summer, she would take me to the Dublin horse and dog show with her. She even arranged for me to have horse riding lessons, so we could both go horse riding together in the fields at the back of her house. And on some of the holidays that I spent with her, she took me away for long weekends to Northern Ireland, to see her family; introducing me as a member of Terry’s family. Then back at her house, we would cook together and we would sit and play for hours, never once getting bored with each other’s company.
It was the only time that I ever felt normal and a part of something, it was my first taste of normality and they spoilt me so much that I liked it. Terry also had a family and, whenever we visited them, he would introduce me as a member of Alice’s family and no one ever said a word about whom I was or where I came from. Terry also had a brother, who was a priest; he was forty-five years old, his name was Father Brien, and he was a nice man, and from the first time I met him he seemed to take a liking towards me. Every time I went with Alice and Terry to visit Terry’s family, his brother would be at the house and for some strange reason I always felt as if he was waiting there for me.
I remember one weekend, Terry’s brother spent all of his time following me around the place, he was always trying to get my attention and he would give me sweets while he talked to me. Then after a while, it became impossible for me to be at the house without him being around me, like my shadow. After I had visited them a few more times, he began to touch me as we took walks through the garden together. At first, he would just brush up against me as we walked together; but then one afternoon, while walking on our own, he hugged me and he told me how lovely he thought I was and how proud he was to have me as a part of his family. I looked up at him and he smiled at me and then he let me go and we continued walking; but he had made me feel uncomfortable, so I made an excuse and I ran back to Alice and Terry, who were up at the house and, in the afternoon, we went home.
Then one morning, while I was staying at Alice’s house, she asked me if I would like to go with her to a local dog show and I said yes. But on the way to the dog show, she suggested that we stop to see Terry’s brother Brien, as he had moved closer to them and he was now teaching at a local boarding school not far from where we were going. I said, ‘Yes, great, it would be nice to see Father Brien again,’ so we both agreed and we headed off to see him. When we arrived at the school, Father Brien was already waiting for us at the entrance and I thought it was a bit strange, but then I thought to myself that Alice must have rung Terry and told him about our change of plans, and then Terry must have rung Brien to let him know we were coming.
Alice and I got out of the car, we walked towards Father Brien, and he greeted us with open arms, but he hugged me so tight that I could hardly breathe and I had to struggle to get free from him. Then he suggested that we all sit down on the grass together and have a picnic within the boarding school’s grounds. It sounded fine and he said that it would be nice, as everyone else from the school had gone away for the holidays, so we had the whole school to ourselves. We walked around and we found a nice quite spot overlooking a pond and Alice and I sat down, while Brien went and made us something to eat. When he came back, we spent about an hour talking.
Then all of a sudden, Alice looked at her watch and suggested that I should stay with Brien while she went to the dog show on her own as it was getting late, and she said that she would pick me up later, on her way home. I said ok and Alice wasted no time, she got up and walked off, leaving me sitting on the grass with Brien. But as soon as Alice drove out of the school gates, Brien looked at me and said that it would be nice if we went for a walk down to the pond. I said ok, so we both got up and walked off towards the pond; and when we got to it, I fed the remainder of the food to the ducks.
Then, once I was finished, he said that we should leave the pond and go inside the school as it was getting late, and I agreed. He looked at me and smiled, and then he led me up towards the school. I thought to myself that it would be nice to see inside such a big school and I continued following him up towar
ds the school. However, as we got closer and I headed for the main entrance, he said, ‘No, not that way’ and he began walking away from the main entrance and around towards the back of the school, and I continued to follow him. As we walked around the corner, he stopped next to a small entrance and then he told me that as well as teaching at the school he also lived at the school and that his room was inside. ‘That’s nice’, I said. Then he opened the door and said, ‘Come on’ and we both walked in and he led the way up towards his room. The school was huge and it was very quiet inside and every step I took echoed along the corridors, and it sounded creepy as if someone was following me.
After walking for several minutes, he eventually stopped and opened a small wooden door and inside was his room. I looked inside and all I could see was a small dark room with a bed, a chest of drawers and a table; humble things, just right for a man of God. The room was simple and, as I entered, he told me to sit on the bed while he closed the door. I looked around, but there were no chairs so I sat on the bed as he said, and he continued closing the door. However, as he closed the door, he also turned the key, locking the door shut, and then he walked towards the window and closed the curtains. And within a couple of seconds, the room become dark and I could just about see Father Brien’s silhouette as he stood in front of the curtains.
I called to him for reassurance and I asked him to turn the light back on, but he said, ‘It’s ok, Lily, I’m here’ and then he leaned forward and grabbed me by my hands. ‘Why have you made the room dark?’ I asked, but he said nothing and then he sat down next to me on the bed. I moved back along the bed to make some room for him; but at the same time, he moved with me. He was still holding my hands and I began to tremble, then he moved closer and grabbed me by my arms.
I tried to get up off the bed, but I couldn’t; the force of him holding me was stopping me from getting up, so I moved my body back and away from him, but again he moved his body towards me, but this time he got even closer to me. I asked him to stop messing around and to turn the light back on, but he said nothing; so I tried to wriggle off the bed, but his grip on me was too tight, so I leaned my body back as far as I could go, but my head hit his pillow and I had nowhere else to go. I began to tremble and I asked him what he was doing, but still he said nothing; then he leaned towards me and moved his face against mine, and I froze with fright as he put his mouth against mine and began to kiss me. I couldn’t do a thing to stop him as he was too strong and I was unable to move my body away from his, so I moved my face to one side, doing my best to avoid his kisses.
Then he moved his whole body closer to mine and then he climbed on top of me, while he moved me into the centre of the bed. And he began to kiss me on my face even harder and then he kissed me on the lips again and he told me that he loved me and had always loved me. I didn’t know what to do; I was shocked, frightened and afraid at what he was doing to me and at the thought of what he might do next. I wanted to scream, but as I opened my mouth nothing came, I could not make a sound and I felt like I couldn’t breathe.
My heart was pounding like it was about to come out of my chest and he continued to smother my whole body with his, while he continuously told me that he loved me; it was as if he was trying to reassure me that everything was going to be ok. But it wasn’t and he began to move his body between my legs, spreading my legs open wide with his and I knew that he wanted to have sex with me, but I didn’t want any of it. I wriggled, then suddenly someone knocked on his bedroom door and he stopped.
He jumped up off the bed and I felt as if I could breathe again, he quickly turned on the light and I could see a look of shock spread across his face. I got off the bed and I felt happy as he walked over to the door and unlocked it, and as he done so, I looked over his shoulder and I could see that it was Alice. She had come back. I looked over at her and she had a puzzled look on her face, then she asked me if everything was ok and I said yes. Then she looked around the room and she asked Brien why his light was off and why had we been sitting on the bed in the dark, as she had heard the noise of the light being switched back on. His face went red as blood; suddenly, he looked very guilty and he had trouble replying to her, as his words came out of his mouth all mumbled up. I could see that the situation was tense and I felt awkward for all of us, so I interrupted them and I said that he closed the curtains and turned off the light to have a sleep. I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and I would have said anything to do so.
Alice still looked puzzled and Brien’s face was even redder than before, but then she said ok and she told me to leave the room and to go outside and wait by the car while she spoke to Father Brien. I ran outside and I waited by Alice’s car; and about ten minutes later, she came out of the school and she told me to get into the car. I did what she said and, as we drove off, she told me that there were roadworks on the way to the dog show and it was taking too long to get there, so she had changed her mind about going and instead she had decided to come back and spend a little more time with Brien and me.
However, now she said that it was getting late and we had to go home. I looked over at her and I wanted to tell her about what had just happened in the room, but I knew that if I said anything to her, it would cause a lot of trouble between everyone and I would probably be the one to get the blame for it, so I said nothing. But I had a strange feeling that she already knew something was wrong and that is why she had come back to check on me. As we drove off out of the gates, we both looked back at the same time and we could see Father Brien standing alone in the drive; and then, as we drove away from the school, Alice asked me again if everything was ok. I said, ‘Yes, fine’, and during the journey home she quizzed me over and over again, why was the door locked and why were the curtains pulled shut, and why was the light switched off, and did he do anything to me.
And all I could tell her was that Father Brien was tired and he wanted to lie down for a moment. But she knew that something was wrong and she never let him near me again; and soon after our little incident, Father Brien was assigned to a church in Australia and I never saw him again. I didn’t know it at the time, but for many years after Brien was sending me letters, telling me how he felt about me. However, the adults around me were keeping the letters from reaching me and it wasn’t until about six years later that I found out, when a bunch of letters were handed to me and I just threw them all away, never reading one of them.
Whenever my stay with Alice and Terry ended, I never wanted to go back to the home, but I had no choice. But Alice always promised me that she would always come back to get me on the next school holiday, and she did, and she would never send me back to the home empty-handed. She would always give me bags of stuff to bring back for the other children, she would give me clothes, toys and ribbon for them; and when I got back, the children loved it all. They would play with the things all day until the nuns got fed up with it all and then they would take it all away from them, saying they were going to keep it all safe for them, but the children would never see any of it again. I continued going back to Alice and Terry every year until the day I left Willows and the convent, and I miss them both very much.
CHAPTER 8
Time to Leave
I was getting older now, and the nuns began to give me pocket money each week, so I could buy myself sweets from the shops on the way home from school. But they also had a little black note book that they kept the names in of all the naughty children, and my name was always in the book. The trouble was that the nuns always used the book against me and they used it against me to keep me from having my pocket money each week. If I had been bad during the week, then my name went into the book and I never got my pocket money. I got so used to them waving the black book in my face and telling me that I was not getting any pocket money again, that in the end I told the nuns to stick the book up their ass, and I never saw the book or any pocket money again.
It was only five pence a week anyway, plus I had my own way of getting money. As
at the back of St Joseph’s was a field where every weekend men played football, and they would use one of the rooms in the convent as a changing room, leaving all their clothes lying around the room as they played football. Then me and some other kids would sneak into the room and go through their pockets, looking for money. And we got more money in a month than we would ever have gotten from the nuns in a whole year. We would all get a couple of pounds each, then we would sneak off to the shops and buy ice cream, sweets and even fags and matches. It was great; but after a few months, the nuns found out about us stealing the money and they locked the changing room door and that was the end of that.
One morning, I came down from my bedroom and I told the staff that I had wet the bed again and she told me not to worry, and that she would change the bed sheets later in the day. So I sat down, ate my breakfast and then I went off to school, but she never changed my sheets, she just pulled the covers back into place and then made the bed, leaving it wet. Then in the evening, when I got back from school, all the staff in the house were rushing around and cleaning the house, putting clean towels, soap and shampoo in the bathrooms and even fresh food into the kitchen cupboards.
Then the staff gathered us all together in the dining room and they told us all to be good, because some people from the health service were coming to see us and they were going to check over the house. The staff cleaned us all up and, just as they had finished putting clean clothes on us, two men walked into the house and the two men introduced themselves as health inspectors,. Then they asked us children many questions about the house and the food that the nuns had been feeding us. Once they were finished talking to us, they walked around the house, checking on the condition of the kitchen and looking in all the food cupboards; then they went into all the bedrooms and took off all the blankets and sheets from the beds to check the condition of the mattresses.
