by Tami Kidd
“And that’s when you decided you wanted to get on with your life?”
“Sort of. Alex gave her client a heartfelt speech. She told her that her husband loved her and wanted her to continue on with her life. Alex told her how she made a difference in other people’s lives. That a happy, fulfilled life was her legacy to him and that he would be with her always, even if she couldn’t see him.”
“Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to tell you?”
“Yes, but don’t you see? Alex was giving the same advice to someone else.”
“I guess I’m not following you,” Lucia said.
“Alex is me. I give her life. I provide her with the words to say. I make her do the things she does. Me. And if I made Alex give that speech to someone, it’s because I had the knowledge inside me. I know the things she said to be true, and even though you have been trying to tell me these things since Thomas died, I don’t think I really believed it. When I read my words coming from Alex’s lips, my lips, I knew it was the truth.”
“Oh, Mara, that’s wonderful. I don’t care how you came to the realization, as long as you realize you have many years of life to live. I know you miss Thomas, more than I could ever realize, but you need to get on with your life.”
“I know, and I want to thank you for everything you’ve done. Mostly for sticking by me when I know I’ve been a major pain in the butt.”
Lucia wrapped her arms around Mara. “You’re my best friend. I need you whether you know it or not. I’m very proud of you, and I know that this will be an uphill battle, but I’ll be here for you whenever you need me.”
Mara turned to continue her work. She reached into one of the boxes and pulled out a set of keys. “Um, hey, Lucia, have you seen keys like this before? I found them in Thomas’s tackle box. I have no idea what they go to. I’ve tried them in a few of the cabinets and strong boxes he kept around, but they don’t fit anything I can find.”
Lucia took the keys to examine them. “No, I’ve never seen keys like this before. They’re odd looking. The teeth aren’t jagged like the teeth on car or house keys; they’re rectangular. Very strange.”
“I know. I can’t figure out what they go to. Oh well, I’ll come across something soon that will help solve the mystery.”
“I’m sure you will,” Lucia said. She leaned in and gave Mara a peck on the cheek. “I have to go, sweetie. Stephen and I are taking the kids to our favorite Japanese steakhouse. Why don’t you come with us? It will be fun. It will be good for you to get out.”
“I don’t want to pile too much on my plate all at once. Thanks anyway. Tell Stephen I said hi and give him and the kids a hug for me.”
“I will. Talk to you later.” Lucia waved as she left the garage.
Mara turned back to the boxes filled with Thomas’s belongings. She thought about asking one of his friends to go through his things, but she wanted to take one last look before she got rid of anything. Even letting the smallest things go was hard because they made him seem a little closer to her.
Some nights, she took one of his shirts, held it up to her face, and took deep breaths. His scent filled her lungs, and if she closed her eyes she almost believed he was in her arms. If she concentrated hard enough, she remembered what his arms felt like under the light touch of her fingers. She almost felt the coarse, wiry hair on his forearm. The taut smoothness of his wrist and hand. She almost felt the peaks and valleys of his knuckles and then the hard, smooth nail at his fingertip. She imagined turning his hand over so she could feel their calloused roughness. The hands that held her. The hands that caressed her body, rough yet gentle. The memories were sometimes sweet and sometimes painful.
Four
Mara woke to the sound of the doorbell. She rolled over to look at the clock. It was 8:15 a.m. Who could that be at this time of the morning? She threw on her robe and reached the door as the bell rang again. She looked out the peep hole.
It was Mrs. Parker from next door. She looked much too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for her own good. For a split second, Mara did not open the door, but she decided it was rude to let Mrs. Parker stand on the other side.
“You’re up. Good!” Mrs. Parker said as Mara opened the door.
Her silver-gray hair was pinned up in a bun on the back of her tiny round head. Her bright blue eyes twinkled as she peeked around Mara. She held up her hand to reveal half a dozen envelopes.
“That silly postman left some mail for you in our box. Must be someone new.”
“Thank you for bringing them over.”
“No worries, dear. I wasn’t busy, so it’s nothing.” Mrs. Parker tried to spy around the kitchen again.
Mara turned to look back. “Is there something else, Mrs. Parker?”
“Well yes, I was wondering if you had any coffee made?”
“Uh, no I don’t.”
“Why don’t you let me come in and make you some? I do make a mean cup of coffee, if I do say so myself.”
Before Mara could protest, Mrs. Parker made her way into the house. “Ok then.”
“How have you been, dear?”
“As well as could be expected, I guess.”
“You haven’t been out much. You need to get out more, dear. You can’t stay cooped up in this house forever. Thomas wouldn’t want you to become a hermit.”
Mara smiled as her neighbor spooned the coffee into the filter. The aroma was pleasant. Her mouth watered. “I know. I am taking some of Thomas’s things to the Salvation Army today.”
“Well, that’s good.” Mrs. Parker got two cups from the cabinet.
Mara was surprised to see how well Mrs. Parker knew her way around her kitchen. They had been neighbors since they bought the house, which had been right after she and Thomas married.
Mrs. Parker, or June as she asked everyone to call her, was a retired school teacher. She knew everything about everyone in the neighborhood. She was a sweet lady, but a little nosey. She always wore bright Capri pants and matching shirts. She looked crisp and fresh even first thing in the morning. She was probably crisp and fresh when she got out of bed at 5:00 a.m. Most mornings, Mara noticed Mrs. Parker watering her climbing roses as she saw Thomas off to work.
“Are you going to the bank today after the Salvation Army?”
“I wasn’t planning on it. Why?”
“Ah. I just noticed the safe-deposit box keys sitting on the counter, that’s all.”
Mara looked at the keys she’d found in the garage. The ones that didn’t unlock anything. She held them up for a closer look. “These are safe-deposit box keys?”
“Well, that’s what they look like to me. In fact, I think our safe-deposit box keys from Riverside National Bank look exactly like those.” After a pause, she added, “Oh look, the coffee’s ready.”
Five
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Byrne, its bank policy. I cannot open your husband’s safe-deposit box without his written consent,” the skinny, tight-lipped bank manager said.
Right away, Mara didn’t like him. He refused to listen to her, too busy writing to look up as he sat there in his cheap Brooks Brother knock-off. “Look, Mr…” She glanced at the man’s name plate. “Larson. He’s deceased. He died a month ago, so obviously he can’t give me written permission to access his safe-deposit box.”
“I’m sorry for your loss, Mrs. Byrne, but nonetheless, a policy is a policy and my hands are tied. However, if you bring us an official copy of his death certificate and your marriage license, I would be happy to help you,” he said peevishly.
Mara didn’t care if he was getting inpatient with her; she wanted to see the contents in the safe-deposit box. “What do you mean by official copy?”
“A death certificate with the State of California Seal on it.” He looked at her as if she was an idiot.
“Thank you. I’ll bring one in, and when I do return, I will be closing my account with your bank. You are rude, captious, and treat your customers without respect or kindness. Have a good day, Mr. La
rson.”
She turned and walked away before he could protest. As she walked out the door, Mara looked back at the little spit of a man as he stood at his desk with his mouth wide open. She cocked her head, gave him a crooked smile, and walked out.
The next day she returned with an official copy of Thomas’s death certificate and their marriage license. This time her visit was a different story. Mr. Larson conducted himself with utmost politeness and attentiveness. He almost tripped over himself trying to be nice. He led Mara into a private room where he inserted his key and gestured her to do the same. They turned them simultaneously. He pulled the box from the wall and placed it on a table.
As soon as he left the room, she opened the box and found it empty except for a thin envelope. Her hands trembled as she reached for it. The oxygen in the room seemed to vanish as her lungs begged for more. Why do I feel this way? Why am I so nervous? She told herself she was being silly. She grabbed the envelope like a snake striking its prey.
Thomas’s name was written elegantly on the front in blue ink. There were no other markings, postmark, or address. The square flap in the back had not been sealed. She pulled out the single sheet of paper with care and unfolded it. It was a handwritten letter.
My Dear Thomas,
Allow me first to say that you are the most remarkable man I have ever met. You are compassionate, understanding, and very sweet. I have never known such joy as I have since meeting you.
When I’m with you I believe that anything is possible. You have given me a gift so great that I cannot express, in words, my appreciation.
Therefore, I must show you how deeply you have touched my life. Meet me again, at our special garden, where we have come together as if we were the only two people on Earth. Where we can smell the beautiful flowers and feel the breeze caress our bodies.
Remember the weather that cold January 4th, when you brought me the two dozen red roses? I remember how fierce we were in our passion; it was like a raging desert storm.
Do you remember how, exactly a week later, there was another cold snap? While we were together, however, we felt nothing but the heat of our love? We met at six o’clock, which in my opinion is the best time of day. It’s the cusp of the day, the most romantic time of day but then, any time with you is romantic.
I’m thankful for three things. You, my life, and our love. So, dearest Thomas, like the song says, “I need you tonight.” I’ll be waiting for you under the North Star, on the east side of our garden.
With all my love,
R.K.
Mara was thankful she had sat down to read, otherwise she would have fallen. Her first thought eased the pain: the letter was meant for someone else, a mistake. The box didn’t belong to Thomas. Yes, it was in his box and the letter did have his name on it, but he would never betray her. They had been married for twenty years, and not once did she ever suspect him of cheating on her.
Her entire body shook as if she had a fever. Her mouth felt as dry as cotton. She wanted to wake up from this bizarre nightmare. The love of her life died without warning and now she found out he had cheated on her with another woman.
She needed water. She rose to find a fountain. The room began to spin and a feeling of weightlessness overcame her. There was a roar in her ears like Niagara Falls. Her knees buckled and her world went black.
Six
“Lucia, please, I promise, I’m fine,” Mara said.
Lucia pushed a glass of water and two pills toward her. “People don’t pass out without a reason. Please take these. Dr. Scott prescribed them after Thomas died, but I can tell you never took any; the bottle is still full.” Lucia shook the prescription bottle to prove her point.
“That’s because I don’t need them.”
“If you don’t take them, I will never speak to you again.”
“Yes, you will.”
“How do you know? I might not.”
“Because you’re my best friend and you wouldn’t do that to me.”
“Fine! Don’t take them. See if I care.” Lucia raised her hands in surrender before she put the pills back in the bottle and snapped the lid shut. “Will you at least tell me what happened today at the bank to cause you to pass out?”
Mara lowered her head. Hot tears filled her eyes.
“Honey, what is it?” Lucia took Mara in her arms.
Mara shook her head. She couldn’t speak. If she did, she would not be able to stop the avalanche of emotion.
“Oh sweetie, you can’t leave it bottled up. Tell me. You’ll feel better, I promise.”
Mara clung to Lucia for dear life and buried her head in Lucia’s neck. “I think—I think Thomas had an affair.” The endless river of tears began to flow. She could not stop them while Lucia stroked her hair.
“You must be mistaken,” Lucia said. “Thomas loved you with all his heart. He would never do something like that.”
“No, you’re wrong. I have proof.” Pulling away from Lucia, Mara retrieved the letter from her purse and held it out.
Lucia took it. “What’s this?”
“I found it in the safe-deposit box at the bank.”
Lucia read the letter. After a minute, she looked at Mara. Lucia’s face was expressionless. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it. Finally, after an eternity she said, “That bastard.”
The rest of her tirade spilled out in Spanish. Lucia’s arms flew as she paced the floor. “How can you sit there? How can you not feel angry at him?” Lucia asked.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.”
“I’ll tell you what you’re supposed to feel. You’re supposed to feel as mad as a hornet whose nest just got trampled by a big, clumsy bull! It’s a good thing that man is dead, because I’d kill him myself!” Lucia covered her mouth in horror. “Oh, I’m sorry, Mara, I should not have said that.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Mara wiped the tears from her face. “You haven’t said anything I haven’t thought myself. I can’t believe it! In all our years of marriage I never once suspected him of cheating.”
“Do you know who this R.K. is?” Lucia asked.
“No, I don’t have a clue, but I’m going to find out.”
“Why? It’s not like you can confront Thomas about it.”
“You’re right, but I can confront her.”
Seven
A couple days passed before Mara decided to track down R.K. She didn’t come to this decision lightly. But she felt betrayed and wanted closure, and if Thomas had an affair she wanted to know.
She called Jack Lewis, Thomas’s best friend from college. Thomas had served four years in the army in Vietnam during the fall of Saigon. When he returned, he enrolled in college. Jack was younger, but the two hit it off immediately. They had been like brothers. Mara felt sure that if Thomas did cheat on her, Jack would have known about it.
But she had no luck: Jack had never heard of R.K. In fact, he was stunned that Mara even suggested that Thomas could be with another woman.
Mara believed Jack. He was loyal to Thomas. He was a good, honest man and hiding a secret like that was next to impossible.
The next call went to Thomas’s boss and good friend, Nathan Bradford. Thomas had worked at March AFB for twenty-seven years as an Environmental Protection Specialist for the Civil Engineering Squadron. Not the most important job in the world, Thomas had always told Mara, but an important one. He played a central role in planning and administering environmental programs at March and in Riverside County. He loved his job and often said he was thankful that he could make a decent living doing something he enjoyed. A worthwhile job.
Nathan came over to play poker or go fishing with Thomas at Canyon Lake. Thomas loved fishing at the lake, claiming it was the best place to catch bass in California. Canyon Lake was about an hour away, but for Thomas and Nathan, it was well worth the drive. Also, a compassionate boss, he allowed Thomas to stay home with Mara for a month after her miscarriage.
****
One morning after entering her second trimester, Mara noticed blood on the sheets and her pajamas. Thomas took her to the hospital, ignoring her protests to call the doctor instead. It turned out that getting to the hospital sooner rather than later did not matter. A chromosomal abnormality with the baby and Mara’s body responded by terminating the pregnancy. If the fetus had survived, the child could have had Down syndrome.
Thomas and Mara had talked about it and decided to leave it up to God; if He saw fit to give them the gift of a special-needs baby, they would raise it and love it the way all children deserved to be loved.
Apparently, God thought otherwise. Though they never used protection, Mara never became pregnant again.
****
Nathan answered on the first ring. “C.E.S., Bradford here.” His voice was hoarse and gravelly like a heavy smoker, even though he never smoked.
“Hi, Nathan, this is Mara.”
“Mara, how have you been? It’s great to hear your voice, sweetheart.”
“Thanks. You too.”
“To what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Well, I wanted to know if we could get together for lunch. Today, if possible. I have something I want to discuss with you.” Mara sat at the breakfast nook twirling her hair around her finger as she pictured Nathan at his desk, undoubtedly high with clutter. She could hear the clacking of the keyboard as he typed. He always managed to accomplish several things at once, thrived on stress, and great at multi-tasking.
“Sure, sounds like a great idea.”
“How’s 12:30 at Joe’s?” she asked.
“Oh yeah, I love that place, but are you sure you don’t want to meet some place closer?”
“No, that’s fine. You’re on the clock and I have all day.”
“You forget I’m the boss. I can take a long lunch if I want.”
“Point taken. But that’s okay; I’ll meet you there.”
