by Ted Evans
“Was she…”
I sighed, and ran a hand down my face, feeling the same frustration I’d felt earlier.
“I was jealous when I saw Alessandra walking around with a baby,” I admitted. “I thought she’d moved on quickly and had a kid with someone else. I had no idea what I was going to do it that happened, but she told me that wasn’t the case.”
It had been such a relief, and it had been hard not to let it show. I’d thrown out the assumption that she became a nanny because it was the first thing that came to mind that wouldn’t make me feel like I was about to have a heart attack.
She hadn't moved on.
That meant I still had a chance, but I couldn’t push to talk to her right then, either.
Alessandra and I hadn't been talking in the time leading to the breakup. Not because we didn’t want to, the situation we were in at the time was just terrible. There just wasn’t enough time for us to focus on our relationship.
When my dad fell ill, I knew I had to take over the company, and everything else was pushed to the back seat. I didn’t want that to happen with Alessandra and me, but she was finalizing her exams and spending more time with her colleagues at school, and studying, and spending less time with me. I didn’t want to bother her, and I was busy anyway, so we would go for long bouts of silence before I realized we weren’t talking.
I had thought things couldn’t get any worse. They did.
My father passed away. In that time, I wanted to talk to Alessandra. But she was busy, and I had my mother and Rachel. I wanted her exams to go well, so I gave up on bothering Alessandra.
Then, a month later, out of nowhere, Alessandra broke up with me and walked away. I kept trying to talk to her, but I had so much to do, and I got busy again.
By the time I wanted to find her so we could have a proper talk, she seemed to have disappeared. Aside from the news of what happened at school, no one had talked to her or knew how to contact her.
I had thought I’d lost her forever. Now that I’d found her again, I was going to make sure we had that long-awaited talk.
Wendy speaking up brought me out of my thoughts.
“Did you guys talk? What the hell happened to her over the past year and a half…”
I held a hand up, and her voice trailed off.
“I can't answer all those questions at the same time, you know? Anyway, she’s acting as a nanny, so Danny is someone else’s. We didn’t talk much, and honestly, she didn’t look like she wanted to talk to me much. But I did manage to get her number by saying you might need a nanny,” I added with a grin.
It was Wendy’s time to roll her eyes. “Why would you go and do that? That’s silly, Joshua. Just tell Alessandra how you feel. You always wanted to speak to her after she disappeared, but you get the chance, and you blow it like that?”
Immediately, I was shaking my head.
“Allow me to have my secrets for a little bit longer, Wendy. Besides, it wasn’t exactly the best time.”
We were both busy. I could have offered to walk with her, but she did look like she was ready to run away from me when she first saw me. I didn’t doubt that, if I’d asked that, she would have turned me down flat. Alessandra had seemed a little tense at my presence, and while I wasn’t sure why, I knew this wasn’t something I could force, or try to move along quickly.
“Wouldn’t it be easier if you just told her everything, though?” Wendy questioned. “I mean, you act all tough, and you busy yourself with work, but I know how much you cared for her and I know you’re not over her.”
I snorted. “Of course I’m not over her. I’ve known her for nearly a decade, and we were together for about eight years. You can't just erase all that in fifteen months. At least, it’s not gone for me, but I don’t know about her. I can't just go up to her, say ‘Alessandra I’m still in love with you, can we get back together’ and hope for the best.”
Wendy rolled her eyes but didn’t argue.
I nearly did do it, though, I thought.
When I saw her at the park, a lot of things didn’t register at first. After convincing myself that she was really in front of me, what I wanted to do at that moment was run to her and pull her into my arms, ask where she’d been, why she had left me, and told her that I wanted her back.
Her eyes looked down, into the stroller she was pushing. Reality crashed on me, and it was chilling. It’d taken all I had to appear casual when I went up to her and spoke to her usually.
“I’m not going to be hasty,” I murmured. “I feel like if I push too much, she’ll run away again. I don’t know why she ran in the first place, and if I could figure that out first, it might be easier to fix this. But I plan to do this one step at a time. And you are going to help me, Wendy.”
I turned my gaze to her, and she narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously.
“What do you want from me? If you want me to be your little spy…”
“Nothing like that. I got her number, but she only gave it to me because I said you might need a nanny. So what I need from you, is to get busy, and try to align it with the days I’m not quite so busy.”
“And why exactly do I have to plan my life around you?” she questioned, incredulous.
“It’s not something that difficult. You don’t have someone to look after the kid when you have things you want to do, right? So you’ve been holding yourself back while you look for someone, but you wouldn’t trust strangers that easily. It doesn’t even have to be around my schedule. Just tell me when and I can handle things at work.”
It was a busy time, but I was already giving it my all. Besides, I was the boss. No one said I couldn’t delegate some of the work to other people to do.
After doing nothing but living and breathing work for the last year, I deserved some time to myself.
Wendy thought about it, but in the end, just sighed and shrugged. I knew that meant she agreed with me, and I grinned.
“Whatever. It’s good, I suppose. It’ll stop you from being miserable.”
I watched as she went back to paying attention to her son, cooing at him and tickling him to make him giggle. And I remembered Alessandra and the way that she looked into the stroller, maybe she was better with kids than I’d ever given her credit for. Maybe splitting up was good for us, and would make us stronger once we got back together. Maybe I was being hasty. Maybe she wouldn’t give me one last try.
Chapter Three
Alessandra
“Shh, baby boy,” I murmured. “Don’t cry; Mommy’s here.”
I was walking around my room at my parents’ house, holding Danny to my shoulder and rubbing his back gently. I’d just been woken by his crying, but he was thankfully calming down.
Now that I wasn’t in college, I had moved back in with my parents. I did have a small apartment away from home while I was still in school, but since I’d failed my exam, and considering I was alone and pregnant, I’d figured moving back home for the time being would be the best idea.
I had been apprehensive at first. I wasn’t sure how my parents would take it, but they had been lovely as usual and very supportive, I felt so lucky to have them on my side. They both had work, but for a while, Mom had taken a break from work to help me. It was in the later stages of my pregnancy when everything seemed to hurt and to move around was such a chore. She had been the one to get me to the hospital when I went into labor, and she called Dad who had arrived quickly.
The two, proud grandparents were utterly in love with their new grandson. They helped me out, but I was insistent on being his primary caretaker instead of bothering my parents, though I knew they didn’t mind being disturbed.
It hadn't been easy, and I was sure I would have lost my mind already if I hadn't had them.
“Are you okay now, baby? Are you hungry, hmm? Why don’t we go feed you?”
I carried him out of my room. I only had my bed there, and I liked being comfortable with this part. The house was empty, but I left with his blanket and w
ent into the living room.
My parent’s house was a modest one. It only had three bedrooms, and since only three, now four, of us lived there, the extra bedroom had been a guest room, and they’d offered to turn it into a nursery for Danny. I declined the offer, though. I didn’t intend to forever live with my parents, after all, and I couldn’t say how long it would take before I could move out. Instead, his crib was in my room, and some of his stuff was in the other place.
I paused right outside my room and looked at Danny in my arms, who stared up at me with his father’s blue eyes.
“Would you like to take a bath first, baby? It’d been a couple of days since I last washed you, so it should be fine, right…?”
It had been a bit of a surprise for me to find out babies didn’t need to be washed every day, at least until they could crawl around on their own. It was usually hard for me to find the time to shower in the morning while he was awake, but we both loved his bath times.
I went into the guest room to pick up his things, then went to the bathroom with him. Bathing with a baby was risky business, but I had gotten the hang of it. I made sure the water was beautiful and didn’t let it get too high. Danny’s bath seat was nearby. His stuff was separate from mine, so I bathed him first, with his body lying over my chest. Then, I reached for his towel, swaddled him in it, and put him in his seat. As he watched me, I bathed quickly, then let the water drain as I stepped out. I wrapped myself in my towel, then went to get the both of us dressed.
There was nothing for me to do for the day, which meant I’d be spending the whole time with my baby, so I dressed in loose cotton pants and a t-shirt without a bra underneath. I carried the now bathed baby to the kitchen and sat at the dining table, then settled him in my arms. My stuff, I left on the table, then I got Danny breastfeeding.
I was humming to myself, watching him nurse, when my phone vibrated on top of the table. I had the sound turned off so it wouldn’t bother him.
“Now, who could that be,” I breathed out. “They’re ruining mother-baby bonding time for us.”
I was grumbling to myself as I adjusted Danny to one arm without disturbing him too much, then reached for my phone. When I saw who it was, though, my whole body stiffened.
Joshua.
When I lost my old phone, I’d lost a lot of my contact list, since I didn’t have it all saved. Like that, I’d lost contact with a lot of my friends, but besides family, there hadn't been that many stored on my phone.
There had been Joshua’s number, but I knew it off the top of my head. The moment I got a new phone, I saved it but never used it. And now, he was calling me.
For a second, I’d forgotten that I gave him my number back in the park.
Crap. Why ever did I do something so stupid?
I wanted to curse out loud, but there was some grumbling from Danny, too, as if he didn’t want to be forgotten. I looked down, and he had his eyes open and looked up at me. I’d heard from Mom that children could sense the feelings of their parents, so I made myself relax and smile.
“It’s okay, baby. You keep doing your thing. I’ll make this quick.”
It felt a little awkward for me, answering the phone for Joshua with his son nursing from me, but he didn’t have to know that.
“Hello, Joshua,” I chirped. “I’m a little busy right now. Is there something I could help you with?”
“There was…something important I wanted to talk to you about.”
His tone was severe, and I frowned, feeling concerned. Danny fussed in my arm, and I gently rubbed his back.
“What is it?”
“It’s not something I want to discuss over the phone,” he said slowly. “Do you mind if we meet up so we can talk? There’s this café that sells wonderful coffee. It opened some months ago. I can send you the address?”
It was a mistake.
I hadn't been thinking at all when I gave him my number, because if I had, then I would have come up with some excuse, like I was too busy with my current clients, and walked away.
Tell him no, my mind demanded.
“Of course!” was what came out of my mouth.
Internally, I groaned at my stupidity.
“That’s great,” he said, suddenly sounding happier. “I’ll send you the directions right now. What time do you think you could make it? I’m at work, but I don’t have a lot to do so I could take a break for an hour or so.”
“Um, since we’re having coffee, we should probably go a while before lunch. I could maybe meet you in the next thirty minutes?”
If I’m doing this anyway, might as well get it over with quickly.
“That’s fine with me. I’ll see you soon, Alessandra.”
He said my name, and I felt my body shivered. The tone was completely casual, but I had always loved how he said my name. Another thing that hadn't changed. He cut off the call without giving me time to catch my bearings. Then, a minute later, I felt my phone vibrate and unlocked it to find the message he’d sent me with the instructions.
I sighed and looked down at my son.
“Your mom isn’t brilliant sometimes, but you’ll forgive me for that, won't you, baby?”
Danny just opened one eye to look up at me for a second, then closed it.
“Well, at least you look like you’re enjoying yourself.”
I couldn’t go with Danny to meet Joshua, but I was lucky. My parents hadn't gone to work, they were both on a short vacation and were out doing stuff for themselves. After arranging things with them, I got myself changed and went to meet Joshua.
***
It all took longer than expected, so when I arrived at the coffee shop, Joshua was already seated, with a mug in front of him. He was frowning down at his phone. Taking a breath to steady myself, I stepped forward. I stopped in front of his table, and he looked up. The frown immediately melted away as he grinned and stood.
“I’m sorry I made you wait,” I apologized. “There was some stuff…”
Joshua waved my apology away. “It’s fine; I got here a bit early myself. I didn’t wait for too long.”
I pursed my lips, knowing it was a lie. I was late by around twenty minutes because it took so long to get ready, then find a taxi and make it to the café. If he’d been early, then he had waited for even longer. No matter how free he said he was, he was still running a huge company. He couldn’t have that much free time.
“Please, sit down,” he said, gesturing to the seat opposite him.
I did. There was a menu on the table, and I picked it up and looked through it. Joshua must have called for a waiter while I wasn’t listening because there was one standing beside our table when I looked up.
“What can I get for you, miss?”
I made a quick order, getting something light and sweet, low on the coffee, and a slice of cake to go with it. The waiter noted everything down, then turned to leave.
“How have you been?” he asked.
I stared for a moment, then let out a small laugh. He arched an eyebrow at me, and I covered my mouth with my palm so he wouldn’t see the smile.
“I’m sorry, was that all you called me out here for? We didn’t have to meet just over that…”
I could feel my worry start to go down. I wasn’t sure what he wanted from me. What if he asked to get back together? Or asked why I left him or asked what life had been like for me for the past year and a half?
What if he asked me to go back to him?
I had no idea what my response would have been to any of it, and it was too early to even think about.
“That’s not all I asked you here for. Remember what I told you last time?”
I nodded. “About Wendy needing a nanny for her baby.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Still, why not just give my number to her and have her be the one to call me and meet with me?”
“She’s busy. I told her I’d make the call for you.”
The waiter came back, and we paused. He set my drink down, and my slice of cake.
I picked up the mug, blew lightly over the top, and took a careful sip. I sighed, tasting the sweet drink. The coffee content was low, and it had too much sugar, but it felt terrific. I’d had to restrict my coffee intake while I was pregnant. I didn’t have to give it up entirely, as long as I’d kept my intake low I could have the occasional cup, but this was the first time in ages I was drinking coffee at a café.
Even longer since I had done this with Joshua sitting across from me.
“So, what did you need?” I asked, getting serious.
I had to remember what it was I was here for. Though a part of me was confused as to why I was still doing this. It was just torturing myself, continuing to see him when I’d decided to forget all about him, but like always, it wasn’t easy for me to refuse him anything.
“How often do you look after Danny? The one I saw you with last time unless you have other clients already…”
“No, I currently only have the one.”
He nodded. “Well, Wendy needs someone to look after my little cousin for a couple of days a week. Like I told you before, she doesn’t get a lot of time to herself, and she doesn’t have someone trustworthy to look after him while she’s out. So she hasn’t been going out much, but she’s getting busy with something.”
I nodded along. I was kind of curious about how Wendy was doing, and her little boy. With the way Joshua had been holding him so close to his chest last time, all swaddled in blankets; I hadn't seen him.
“I could do that much,” I said with a shrug. I will need the days specified, though, so I can plan around it.”
“Of course,” he said quickly. “And where is Danny?”
“He’s with my parents.”
The answer was automatic, but a second later, my back stiffened.
“No,” I said quickly. “I meant Danny is with his parents.”
