by Ted Evans
I didn’t say anything, but I was bothered. She had done this for me before, and I never thought much about it, but I wondered now if there was a meaning behind it that I had missed before.
“We need to talk, Rachel,” I said, cutting off whatever else she was going to say.
She blinked at me. “About the proposal? Well, I was hoping we could talk about it…”
I shook my head. “Not that, Rachel. I meant, we need to talk about us.”
That quieted her up. She was surprised; then she smiled at me. She looked happy, and I felt a spike of guilt again.
“You want to talk about us?”
“Specific enough. What I want, Rachel is for you to leave me alone.”
The smile froze on her face, before quickly dropping. Her face paled, eyes wide in shock. She opened and closed her mouth several times before she found her voice.
“What… Joshua, what do you mean?”
I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest.
“I…consider you a friend, Rachel,” I started slowly. “And not a very close one at that, but still a friend. We’ve also talked business between our parent's companies before, and I do appreciate our talks, but anything outside of business…”
She cut me off. “Wait a minute. Joshua, I’m sorry, but have I done or said something wrong?”
“It’s not anything you’ve said or done, Rachel. It is probably your expectations of me.”
“But I don’t have any—” she said, voice high and defensive.
I held up a hand and cut her off. Her mouth snapped closed, and she stared at me. She was shaking a little.
My voice gentled a bit. “Mom has probably told you about how she wished for you and I to get married, hasn’t she, Rachel?”
For a long moment, she didn’t have any reaction, but then she nodded.
“You do know that’s not going to happen, right? I’m not going to marry you, Rachel. I never had the intention to. And when we talked before, I figured you got it.”
“Why not, though?” she argued. “I would be perfect for you in ways that she could never be. I understand the world you currently live in, if you have problems at work, you can talk them out with me, and I’ll be more understanding of any of it than anyone because I was raised with the same expectations that you were.”
I slowly shook my head and saw her expression crumple.
“But…”
“I’m in love with someone else, Rachel. You’ve always known that, too. And there’s no way I can marry you while I love someone else, no matter what you and my mom talk about. Stop listening to everything she tells you. Find your mom, talk to her, and don’t overthink about becoming in-laws with my mother, because it’s never going to happen.”
Her lips were pressed flat, her expression looking aggravated.
Maybe I wasn't fair, but I should have done this a long time ago. I thought we could be friends after we cleared the air between us, but she didn’t think that way. Still, even in the time when Alessandra and I were separated, I never thought of taking things between us any further than where they were.
“There’s just one thing I need to ask,” she said after a minute, voice shaking with emotion. “Why are you assuming the only reason I want to marry you, is because your mom wanted it?”
I rubbed the back of my neck, really wishing she hadn't brought it up.
“I know that’s not the only reason,” I said awkwardly. “I kept quiet about it, trying to be tactful. I never went out of my way to show you anything other than politeness, so you would know that I don’t have any feelings for you. I made it clear to you both it wasn’t going to happen because I already had someone I planned to have in my future.”
Her expression morphed to devastation, and her eyes blinked rapidly as they shone with unshed tears.
“So all this time you knew and let me act like an idiot?”
“I thought you would get over it, and things wouldn’t have to change, but it’s not happening. I’m sorry, Rachel. It’s not anything to do with you. You’re a wonderful woman, and any man would be lucky to have you. Just not me.”
“I have been in love with you all this time,” she said, voice small.
I winced. “I know,” I said gently. “But, Rachel, I’m in love with someone else.”
She ducked her head so I wouldn’t see her expression. It was easy enough to figure out, though. She had her fingers clasped together on the table, and her whole form was shaking. A waiter came up beside our table, pushing a tray with our food.
He must have noticed the atmosphere between us, because he served the food, and walked away. I looked at my plate. It seemed, and smelled, delicious, and in any other circumstances, I was sure I would have loved it.
Right then, neither of us felt like eating.
Chapter Fourteen
Alessandra
“I’m only here because you said there would be no tricks today,” I said when Wendy opened her front door for me.
After the trick she played on me last week, I was hesitant even to pick her call, but she somehow talked me into going to her house. I held Trent in my arms and my purse over my shoulder. Wendy opened the door and smiled disarmingly at me, but I just narrowed my eyes at her.
“Oh, come on,” she laughed. “I wouldn’t try the same thing twice, Alessandra, and believe it or not, I did do it for your good. Otherwise, you would have kept running around in circles, you know? That’s no way to live.”
I remained unyielding for a moment longer, but I knew I couldn’t keep it up. When she stepped aside to leave me room to walk in, I only hesitated a little before walking inside. I looked around, cautious, holding my baby close.
Wendy chuckled. “It’s not like I called you hereunder conspiracy to snatch your child, Alessandra so that you can relax a little bit. Don’t worry; not even my husband is home, I’m alone with the kid.”
She led us to the living room, where she had left her son on a blanket on the floor, playing with some toys. She walked over to him and picked him up, then moved with him to the couch, and patted the space beside her for me. I watched her with narrowed eyes but moved to sit beside her.
“All right,” I said, facing her. “You said you had something important to tell me, so what is it?”
“Can’t you just relax a little before we start talking business?” she asked with a pout.
I shook my head. “No way. The least you owe me is an explanation after last week, Wendy. I could have worked through my feelings just fine.”
“Like you have been for the past year or so?” she asked.
Her expression grew more dangerous, and I couldn’t refute it. I had spent that time worrying about a lot of things, my relationship with Joshua was just one of those things, but it was, admittedly, the biggest worry.
I slumped into the couch. “Still, why was blindsiding me like that your solution? You could have just insisted I talk to him!”
“But then I would come out as annoying, and you would stop talking to me altogether, wouldn’t you?”
I pursed my lips because I couldn’t say no.
“What are you running from, Alessandra?” she asked.
“I’m not—”
I started to protest, but she gave me a look, and the words froze in my throat.
Fuck.
When I saw Rachel comforting him in place of me, when he hadn't so much as called me that I had to find out his dad had passed away from mutual friends, I had felt heartbroken. I turned my back to him, with no intention of looking back.
I found out that I was pregnant, and throughout the pregnancy, and seeing my son every day, was a constant reminder of the man I was in love with, but wanted to forget for the sake of my own heart.
It didn’t end well. I was sure if I’d had more time, I would have moved on, but I couldn’t do that and deny Joshua the right to see his son.
We still needed to talk about that, and I was sure it would be impossible to forget him if
I had to see him frequently.
“I don’t know what to do, Wendy,” I admitted in a whisper.
She sighed. “I know. That’s exactly what you told me the last time, and I invited Joshua over so the two of you could have some privacy to talk, and as far as I know, it didn’t go well.”
I frowned at her. “Did he tell you what happened?”
If he had, I was going to get up and walk out.
“He didn’t tell me,” she said, shaking her head. “I stopped by his office twice on three different days this week, because neither of you told me what happened after your talk, and I figured out on my own how it went.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “What do you mean?”
She arched an eyebrow. “Joshua is burying himself in his work the way he always does when he has something troubling him, and not talking to anyone. Although, I did hear from my aunt that the two of them had a heated argument, though she didn’t tell me what about.”
“He and his mom argued?” I asked, surprised.
She nodded, solemn.
Joshua wasn’t one to have arguments with anyone. Even when his mom had been disapproving of me and had said it in both our presence, he just shut her down firmly and refused to hear more talk on the matter. He wouldn’t argue about something unless he thought it was worth arguing over, and that philosophy of his was why we didn’t explain much in the time of our relationship.
He, especially, didn’t argue with his mom, while his dad was sick and after he had passed away.
“What do you want to bet the argument had something to do with you?” she asked.
I bit my lip. No way would be I take that bet.
“You need to stop playing this game, Alessandra,” she said. Her expression and her voice both softened. “I know you have reservations, but you can't just keep putting off making a decision. You’ve already done it long enough, and if you’re sure you don’t want him, and you won't change your mind later, tell him you won't be getting back together and put the poor bastard out of his misery.”
“But…what if I don’t think I can do that?” I asked tentatively.
“Then go talk to him and tell him to give you more time, tell him you’re willing to talk, or try, or something. Absolute radio silence is just going to hurt him, and you might hurt yourself in the process. Not to mention your child. You need to make things clear for all of your sakes.”
But I’m scared, I thought.
I knew everything she said was right. If I dragged this on too long, I ran the risk of having Joshua start to think I was playing with him, and he would hate me. That thought made my chest ache, and I held my baby closer to me, ducking my head to breath in his scent, allowing it to calm me.
“Alessandra?” Wendy called softly.
I opened my eyes and looked at her. Her expression was sympathetic as she watched me.
“This is hard for you, and you’re scared. I don’t need you to tell me, Alessandra, I know. If relationships were easy, there would be less need for uncertainty, but relationships are about hard work. They’re about putting yourself out there, even if you’re scared or unsure, and hoping your partner will meet you half way. I’ve been there myself. My relationship wasn’t exactly a fairy tale.”
“I know that,” I muttered, looking away.
Of course, I knew that. My parents had been happily married for more than two decades, but I knew even they had times when they argued, when they didn’t want to talk to each other, or when they had problems. Even when they didn’t want me to see it, it was hard not to notice. But every time, they fixed things between them.
Joshua and I never had any arguments. The reason we separated, was because I wasn’t brave enough to sit Joshua down and have a talk with him. I could have told him everything that bothered me, about his mom, and his relationship with Rachel. I was focused on school at the time, sure, but I knew he needed me, and I would let long days keep us apart when finding time for a damn phone call or a short visit wouldn’t have been a hard thing to do.
He thought about me, but I didn’t put in much effort to hold onto our love when I felt threatened after he’d fought against his mom’s wishes even in the wake of his dad’s illness.
“Please, Alessandra, give my cousin another chance, okay?” Wendy said after a long silence. “I’m only asking you to do this because I know it’s something you want to do. Whatever you’re worried about to do with Joshua, I can tell you right now; you don’t have to overthink about it. He’s always been a straightforward kind of guy, and he’s not the kind of person that would go behind your back.”
I didn’t do nearly as much as I should have the first time.
My lips pressed flat together as determination washed through me. It’s not too late. I can try again, and I owe Joshua a huge apology.
“I will,” I said, meeting her gaze. My eyes blurred as the urge to cry rose up in my throat, making me feel like I was choking. “I’m going to give him another chance. Crap, Wendy, I messed everything up, didn’t I?”
She smiled and shifted Danny in her arms so she could reach out and pat me on the back.
“It’s fine. You were at a stressful, emotional time in your life, and everything else happening just made you more emotional, then confused. It was easier to try to forget everything than to work through it all, so don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I sniffled as I wiped at my eyes. “But I could have ruined things between us for forever. I love him, Wendy, and we have a son together. I don’t know why I behaved the way I did when I’ve never once stopped trusting him…”
I choked up and let the words trail off. I covered my mouth with my hand, and squeezed my eyes closed, to try and hold back the crying. Once I started, it would be hard to stop.
Then, I felt a hand on my knee that startled me. Trent was surprised as well, making a squeal of protest as he squirmed. My eyes snapped open, and I saw Joshua kneeling in front of me, smiling gently up at me. I turned wide eyes to Wendy, who shrugged.
“I swear I didn’t call him; he has perfect timing. But since he’s already here, you can tell him what you just told me, can't you?”
“There’s no need,” Joshua said, and I turned back to him.
His other hand rose up to cup my cheek, and I felt my breath catch in my throat. He rubbed the corners of my eye to wipe away the stray tears.
“We can let the past be in the past,” he said. “I’d rather talk about our future right now.”
I watched him for a second, and my expression crumpled as I cried. Joshua’ arms went around me, holding both our son and me carefully so he wouldn’t smother Danny. I buried my face in his shoulder and gave into all the feelings I’d been running away from for longer than a year.
Chapter Fifteen
Joshua
It took a while for Alessandra to calm down, but I had to stop hugging her when Danny got tired of being squished between the two of us, and let out a wail of protest. I pulled back. Alessandra’s face was full of tears, and her eyes and the tip of her nose were puffy. I looked down at Danny she held in her arms, who was wildly swinging his closed fists.
“Sorry, little guy,” I murmured. “Am I hurting you?”
He went quiet as he looked up at me. Then he put a fist into his mouth and gurgled as he stared at me with wide, blue eyes that reminded me of my own.
This is my son, I thought and felt a little overwhelmed.
“Would you like to hold him?”
I looked up at Alessandra. She was managing a smile for me, though it was shaky around the edges. I hesitated, but I was curious. So I nodded.
“You’ll have to sit down first,” she said. “It can't be comfortable, kneeling on the floor like that.”
“Now that you mention it,” I said with a grimace.
I went to get off my knees, and there was a little ache, but it was easy enough to brush off. Alessandra shifted, so she was in the middle, giving me a room in the corner of the couch to sit down. I held my arms
out for Danny and froze.
“Um, how exactly do I hold him?”
She blinked. “Just…give him support from underneath? He’s older now, so it’s a little easier. Just…”
Alessandra didn’t seem to know how to explain and held Danny out to me. I tried to copy how she had her arms and hands positioned. Once I had him in my arms, she readjusted my hold.
“You’re crap at this, you know,” she said with a chuckle. “Why is that? I saw you holding Wendy’s baby, and you did that just fine.”
I gave her a sour look. “That was my cousin’s kid, and this is my son. I’m a little nervous, Alessandra.”
It was like all the knowledge I’d gotten, being around Wendy and her kid just disappeared into thin air. Wendy had shown me all of this and asked me enough times to accompany her in looking after my little little cousin that I became comfortable with it, and yet it still felt new. Because the child I was now holding in my arms was mine, birthed by the woman I loved.
It was a lot of pressure.
He’s so small, and warm.
In a way, it felt like being there for the birth of Wendy’s baby. I had been just as nervous, just as green back then. Only, the child in my arms had his eyes opened and stared at me the whole time as if he was curious about who I was.
“Why don’t I leave you two lovebirds alone?” Wendy said.
I turned to her with a frown, though Alessandra spoke before I did.
“You don’t have to leave, Wendy. This is your house, after all. Besides, don’t you want to be close by to witness your handy work?”
She chuckled. “Well, honestly, I was thinking of moving somewhere out of sight and listening in to your conversation, because it would be a shame if you got this far and still didn’t resolve things between you two. Not to mention frustrating.”
I rolled my eyes. “You’ve made your point, Wendy. We’re talking this out, so no need to keep fretting. You can stay where you are, but try not to butt in, okay?”
She stuck her tongue out at me, and I sighed.
Still, even though I told her she could stay to listen in, since I didn’t know what else to say, and neither did Alessandra it seemed, there was a long silence in the living room.
