by Sybil Smith
"It will be okay, sweet boy. It'll be okay. I'm here. I'm here," she soothes softly.
Pulling him close, she repeats her mantra over and over, crying with him until his pleas and shaking finally stop, and he falls into a fretful sleep against her chest.
* * *
The smile on Evelyn's lips would be described more as melancholy than amused. "It was…certainly an experience."
Sensing Evelyn's unease about the subject, Vera stands to leave. She opens her mouth to say goodbye, but that isn't even close to what comes out. "I was wondering if, maybe…you'd like to go out sometime when I got back? For brunch or something if we’re off."
Evelyn looks up at Vera with regret in her eyes. "Vera, I’m sorry. I haven’t settled in yet and I have to meet with movers and—"
"Yeah, you're right. Too soon," Vera rambles, walking quickly towards the door. Damn, she’s thankful she's going to be away for a few days. “I’ll see you later.”
Evelyn leans over her desk and props her head on her hands after Vera leaves, staring blankly at the calendar in front of her. She's lost her heart, and no one will ever be able to bring it back.
Chapter 3
Florida made Vera’s skin even darker, though she doesn’t mind the glow. Her mom often warned her about turning browner in the sun since she was younger, but the hell with that. She’s young, attractive, and doesn’t care if someone hates her skin color. She loves it and will damn well show it—at least for the first week back in Philadelphia. Even if that means uncomfortably tugging at a v-neck shirt all day.
As she walks past the corner café beside the department for the first day since vacation, she notices Evelyn sitting alone at a table outside. Vera might've gotten turned down, but it didn't mean she couldn't at least be the woman's friend. She loves helping people too. It’s in her very nature; it’s why she picked this damn job.
She walks up to the empty chair at Evelyn's table. "This seat taken?"
Evelyn looks up, surprised to see Vera again after her few days away.
Seeing the hesitation, Vera smiles and throws her hands up in mock defense. “Don't worry, I'm here as a friend."
Evelyn offers a tentative smile. "Be my guest."
Silence engulfs them after she sits, allowing her a few moments to observe the woman in front of her. She's beautiful, no doubt about it, but something isn't quite right. Vera can sense the grief and despondence that flashes behind the façade of a smile. The tired lines around the corners of what she's sure were once brilliant blue eyes. Vera doesn't quite know what's going on, but she hopes to get close enough to her to find out some day.
Before the silence can become too awkward, a waiter comes up to take their order.
"I'll just take a plain coffee." She flashes Evelyn a smile. "Can't be late to work on my first day back."
Evelyn politely smiles back, although she knows it probably isn't fooling anyone, much less a trained cop.
The man points his pen towards Evelyn. "And what about you?"
"A glass of water and the light breakfast plate, please," she replies, handing the menu back to him.
There is a slightly awkward pause after he walks off, and Vera tries to find the right words to say. Evelyn beats her to it.
"Vera, about last week…It's really just too soon since," she looks away from Vera's face briefly before looking back, "since I've moved here. I'm still trying to settle in."
"Hey, it's fine. I'd still like to be your friend,” she replies sincerely. You look like you could use one."
Evelyn doesn't know whether to feel happy about that or not. How can she feel happy about making a friend when Tristan no longer has the option of being happy ever again? How can she possibly feel happy when there isn't an ounce of happiness left in her? But she knows if she doesn't say yes, Vera will keep trying. And having Vera as a friend will definitely be easier to handle than trying to distance herself from everyone in the long run. Not many people had ever truly wanted to be her friend before either, not even after their children had become friends with her son. Maybe this would be a rare change for the better.
Nodding her head, she smiles. "That sounds lovely, Vera."
"Alright, then," she says with a smile that shows her dimples. "Me and the guys upstairs were actually wondering if you'd like to go out tonight for some drinks? We always try to welcome in the newbie."
* * *
The burn of alcohol sears her throat and cracks of her lips as she finishes off the bottle. She drinks to forget, but she never can. The bottle smashes against the bare floor of her new home in Philadelphia as she slides down the front of the island in the kitchen. She’s supposed to start her first day work tomorrow, but doesn’t know how she’ll get over the hangover knocking against her head already.
Evelyn had been lonely her whole life until Tristan, but she's never felt an emptiness such as this. She knew what it felt like to be fulfilled, to be needed. And now she feels utterly and completely alone with nothing but a gaping whole in her heart to accompany her.
She doesn't know if she can handle it.
Her cries echo throughout the empty house as she clutches her hand over her chest. People had talked about heartache and she had never understood it. Until now, that is. Her fingers claw at her chest, as if trying to get inside and dull the pain. She cries until she heaves and her fingernails make marks against her pale skin.
She stands up, clumsily, and makes her way to bed with tears still fresh on her face.
She never forgets. She never can.
* * *
Evelyn is nowhere near capable of holding herself together around a group of stranger. Maybe someday, but not today. Especially not when alcohol is involved. She abuses it, and it abuses her right back. "I appreciate the offer, but perhaps another time would be better."
Vera nods. "Right. Yeah, of course. Just let me know if you need anything, alright?"
But what Evelyn needs is something that can never be returned. Perhaps the ache will dull one day, but not today. It’s still too fresh and new. Pain doesn’t let itself go away so soon. If she didn’t need to pay rent on top of the hundreds of thousands of dollars in medical bills, she wouldn’t work. She would run away to the highest mountain or lowest hole never to be heard from again. But this is reality, bills are real, and meeting up with coworkers comes with it all.
“Of course,” she answers, forcing a smile. She pulls apart the small white napkin in her lap. “Maybe we can do dinner next week. Just you and I?”
Vera nearly chokes on her black coffee. “Really?”
“I haven’t been in town long, but I found a wonderful Thai place by my apartment,” she says. When her eyes meet Vera’s, she almost feels invested in the plans she’s creating. “I think they have a good happy hour on Thursdays.”
“Wow, yeah. Okay,” Very answers, clearly excited. “I should be free. You want me to pick you up?”
Evelyn mentally runs through all the drinks that will be half price. Wine, margaritas, lemonades and punches…she already knows she will either have to walk home or call a ride. But here’s an eager ride, staring her in the face. And Vera holds a conversation nicer than any taxi driver could. More attractive, too.
“I’ll send you my address,” she answers. Before she can continue, the waiter comes out with their food. Steam rolls upwards, explaining the longer-than-usual wait.
Chapter 4
A few days later, Vera waits down in the lab for impending DNA results. Minute after boring minute pass by without success. The interns and white coats flit here and there, seeming to do everything and nothing all at once. She finally decides to wait somewhere more comfortable, like Evelyn’s office right around the corner.
The slight knock on the open door gets Evelyn’s attention. She smiles—a signal to step inside. Vera does so, quickly, and crosses the room to sit in one of the u-shaped chairs by the desk.
“How’s your day going down here?”
Evelyn sighs. “Very slowly.�
�
“And I thought it was just me.” She shakes her head and tosses up a hand. “Can’t get any of my guys up there to get shit done and the lab refuses to work with me, so I’m just counting down the seconds until the weekend.”
“It’s Friday, isn’t it?” Evelyn catches herself mid-smile. “I completely lost track of my days there for a second.”
Vera mirrors the expression. “Got any good plans?”
Blalbhaah
Oh that sounds great—hold on, I have to check this.” Pulls out her phone to read a message. “Damn,” she says aloud. “That sucks.
What does?
"That's a shame, ya know. I was really pulling for them," Vera says, shaking her head.
"Yes. It’s definitely unfortunate," Evelyn replies, her voice distant.
She sighs heavily. Her victims usually didn’t know they were about to go, but her coworker found out about his son’s illness nearly a year ago. "At least they knew it was coming and they had time to say goodbye,” she finally says. “I mean, I guess. That can’t be too much solace though.”
Evelyn's head snaps up quickly. "Don't say that," she whispers icily. Her breathing quickens. She knows she should take a moment to calm down, but finds herself unable to do so. "It doesn't matter if you have days, weeks, or months. No time is ever enough to say goodbye to your child," she refutes, her voice getting louder the longer she speaks.
Affixed with wide eyes, Vera doesn’t move an inch. “Eve—“
"You're down on your knees, begging a God you don't even believe in for five more minutes, for five more seconds, and he's laughing in your face saying you've already had enough time," Evelyn croaks, her voice beginning to waver. She looks away from Vera, quickly and ashamed. "But no time is ever enough. So don't say time makes it better, because it doesn't. A parent is never ready to let go."
Her face burns red in embarrassment. She doesn’t know Vera, and Vera doesn’t know what she’s been through. They’re practically still strangers. And this isn’t Evelyn; this isn’t how she usually acts. But Tristan—god, she feels so empty. Abruptly, Evelyn stands and walks out, willing the tears not to fall just yet.
Vera, still glued to her seat, tries to understand what the hell just happened. She hasn't known Evelyn long, but she didn't peg her for one to have random outbursts. It takes a minute for her to realize Evelyn isn’t coming back any time soon. She finally walks to the door, looking to the left and then the right as she debates on whether to let the other woman be or go after her.
But in the end, her soft side wins out.
She walks to the bathroom down the hall on a whim. When she hears the stifled cries through the thick wooden door, she knocks lightly. Not hearing any sign that she should go away, she slowly opens it and steps inside. What she finds is enough to make her own chest clench.
Evelyn leans against the counter, crying none too quietly through heavy gasps, with wads of tissue clenched in either hand. It’s unlike the professional, though standoffish, persona she usually has at work. Something bad, devastating, must’ve happened to get her this worked up. Maybe one day she’ll feel comfortable enough with Vera to tell her just what it is.
Using the tactics she’s practiced over the years with her grieving vics, Vera does the only thing she knows how. She pulls Evelyn to her chest and soothing rubs her hand across the other woman's back. A sign of comfort and understanding. No judgment allowed here.
Evelyn knows she should feel embarrassed, that she should apologize for acting rash, but she can't force herself to stop crying. She hasn't held or been held by anyone in six years besides Tristan and it just feels so utterly good. Like she can take respite from the weight of the world; like she can share it with one other person, if only for a moment.
Vera holds Evelyn tighter, offering the only comfort she can.
"Just let it out. I've got you. I've got you," she whispers.
Evelyn, with fistfuls of Vera's shirt in her hands, slowly realizes as she presses her ear to Vera's chest and hears the steady beat of her heart.
* * *
Sitting at a park bench reading about deciphering toxicology reports, Evelyn looks up when she hears Tristan running towards her. The wind blows his blonde hair back and she sadly realizes it will start to fall out soon. She really doesn't know how he will handle something that will clearly make him look so different at such a young age. But he’s been resilient this far. Maybe, just maybe, he will take it in stride with grace.
"Mama! Mama," he yells in distress as he runs, causing her to put the book completely down.
It isn't until he's almost right in front of her that she notices his red eyes and the tears rolling down his cheeks. She pulls him on her lap hoping he isn't injured.
Immediately, she looks over his body for any wounds. "What's wrong? Are you hurt?"
Sobbing into her shoulder, he wraps his arms tighter around her. "They wouldn't... let me play with them...because...because I'm sick."
Her face falls as his words sink in. She experienced the cruelty of children firsthand growing up—too smart, too weird, too much of a loner—and never wanted that for her son. He deserves so much more than to be ostracized for something so clearly out of his control. She pulls him closer to her chest and runs a hand through the back of his hair. "Did they say why having cancer meant you couldn't play with them?"
He nods against her. "They said I was gross," he finally whispers pitifully.
Cancer, children, hurtful words...what else is she going to be unable to protect him from?
"Tristan, having cancer does not make you gross," she replies, her voice starting to break. "I promise you, it does not make you gross. I promise."
She slowly starts to rock him against her chest, letting the beating of her heart lull him to sleep. Hopefully there, in his dreams, pain is only a memory.
* * *
Once she can cry no more, she steps away from Vera. Embarrassment covers her face in a red sheen.
"I apologize," she mutters, wiping her eyes. "I usually don't let my emotions get the best of me in the company of others."
Vera gives a comforting smile. "Don't apologize. This is what friends are for."
Evelyn lets out a sad laugh. "I don't know much about the rules of friendship, but I think crying in a bathroom at work in someone's arms doesn't fall within the parameters."
Vera’s face crumples as she realizes Evelyn is being completely serious about not knowing much about friendship. She doesn't care how many times Evelyn tries to push her away, she decides right here and now that she is going to make sure she is always there for this woman. She clearly needs someone to support her, and Vera feels more than qualified to be just that.
She squeezes Evelyn's shoulder. "Well it is, alright? And if you ever feel like doing it again, I'll be here. Okay?"
Evelyn scrutinizes Vera's face for any sign of mockery, but finds none. She smiles a real smile that lights up her eyes—one of the first since the move. "Thank you, Vera."
"Like I said, anytime. I've got your back."
And she means it. She's going to try and pull Evelyn from whatever darkness shrouds her by doing whatever it takes—no matter what that entails.
Chapter 5
Vera and her partner, Eugene, stand at the entry way to the lab downstairs. He’s a good man, ridiculously funny and understanding, and she’s glad they’ve been partners all these years—from their foot patrol days all the way up to where they are now. Eugene never once looked down on or degraded her for being a woman. In fact, he usually defers to her opinion. She’s usually right any way.
They wait on Evelyn to show up for over fifteen minutes, and Vera begins feeling antsy. Where could she be? They just texted each other last night talking about plans for the day, including the lunch date they’re supposed to have in barely an hour. This just isn’t like her.
Another five minutes pass. They mosey over to Evelyn’s office and lean against the wall there. Maybe she just had to run some errands u
pstairs or something.
An older woman, definitely not Evelyn, enters the lab. She walks across the room towards Evelyn’s office. Eugene and Vera immediately look at each other.
Stepping out of the doorway, Vera clears her throat as the woman approaches. "Um, can you tell me where Ms. Truby is?"
The woman looks up, squinting her narrow eyes behind her glasses. "No one could get in touch with Ms. Truby this morning. You'd think the lab chief would care a little more about her job," she snaps before unlocking the office door. With universal keys like that, she must be some bigwig from headquarters.
Evelyn routinely arrives at work well before the janitorial staff even makes rounds and leaves much later than everyone else in the building. For her to ignore several calls from work is definitely uncharacteristic. Vera can't shake the nagging feeling in her stomach. It may just be her gut instinct from being a detective for so many years, but something isn't right.
She glances to Eugene, making sure to turn their backs to the woman as they speak. "What do you think?"
"Considering Evelyn has practically been living in her office for the past two weeks...it sounds pretty fishy to me," he replies.
She points at Eugene as she starts to walk away. "I'm gonna go see what's up. You got this?"
"Yeah, partner. Not a problem."
She heads upstairs and (illegally) uses their system to look up Evelyn's address. If something really is wrong, she doubts she’ll get in trouble for checking in on one of their own. Her car speeds towards Evelyn’s apartment, not even remotely caring about the speed limit. It barely takes five minutes to arrive. Evelyn's car sits in its regular spot on the street, which makes Vera feel even more worried. If she's at home and okay, she would've answered at least one of their calls.
