By the fourth mile I thought I was going to die. My whole body ached and my feet were screaming at me to stop, but I pushed on and up into the forest. I knew we would eventually come out to a waterfall. I wanted to see it and feel the spray on my face. We came across other hikers on their way down the steep hill. They had smiles plastered to their faces. I wanted to look and feel that elated when I was done with this hike.
“This is the hard part here, Avery, but you need to keep pushing,” Astrid said as she hiked higher in front of me. Pretty soon she was so far ahead I lost sight of her.
I was alone in this forest. It reminded me of the day Landon took me for our walk. As I walked through the dense forest I was thinking of the one back home; being with him in the cool water, holding his hand. I could see his smile now in my mind. He had a great smile.
Finally, by mile five, I could hear the falls. The loud echo of the water played through the forest. It would be extraordinary to bring Landon here. He would love this place, but he probably had been here before. He said he came out here once. He probably stepped on the same steps I was now.
“Come on, Avery, just a little further,” I heard Astrid call back to me. I walked painfully up a small path that if I fell off of, I would hurdle to my death below. I watched my footing, and once I was on the other side, I saw it. The waterfall was enormous. It started so high in the mountain I couldn’t see the top of it. But the flow ran into a stream that was under my feet. I stood on a small bridge and looked into the clear water below me. I had done it.
“It’s breathtaking,” I told Astrid as I tried to regain my breath.
She clapped me on the back and asked, “How do you feel?”
“I feel over it all!” I yelled to the forest around me, but the sound of the waterfall behind me drowned it out completely.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Believing
I left the forest that day a different woman. I no longer held guilt about what my love with Cooper did to Garrison. I no longer hated anyone.
And most of all I let everything that ate me alive go. All of my past was now gone. Of course I remember it, but I didn’t try to anymore. I didn’t hate my dad for leaving me when I was a kid. I loved him and it didn’t matter to me at all.
My mom, I knew I would see her again. I couldn’t be mad that she died. How selfish was I to blame her for something she didn’t control?
But there was one person I couldn’t get out of my head. He was everywhere I went. He wasn’t a distant memory to me; he was clear. His face was rich in my head. I could remember all of his many facial expressions. And I missed him. I wished he would have been the one to call me that day before I left. But he didn’t. He let me go because to him, I wasn’t anyone. Landon was going to move on in his life and be happy without me in it.
It was for the best I suppose. We couldn’t be together in every life. That wouldn’t be fair. But coming out of the forest I knew that my feelings for him would never change. Not like they did for Dallas.
I started to get used to the rain by my second month in Sequim. It was a nuisance, but it was just part of my life now. With rainy days came fresh clean starts. That was how I viewed it. The rain washed everything away.
I had found another job, thank goodness. My new job was a little more like Sunrise Estates, but instead of elderly, I helped kids. It was a daycare and I loved it. Kids were something I never thought of in my future. I had never before thought that I would want them, at least not until I was around them. Every little face reminded me of my childhood. How good my mom was at making the best of everything. The only way she knew how was to be fun. I wanted to be a fun mom someday.
I had gotten up early the morning that Ianni and Kerri had flown in to see me. I cleaned my house and made sure everything looked tidy and welcoming. I had finally painted the walls and hung pictures. The pictures were from my HOH trip. I didn’t ever want to forget what I left up there. The memories and feelings that now surrounded the trees had somehow left my mind. My favorite picture was of me standing in the water. It was cold, but it woke me up enough to walk back down to the car that day.
A soft knock came to the door and they were here. I opened the door and they both rushed in and grabbed me, almost knocking me over.
“Oh my God, look at you!” Kerri said as she twirled me around. “Washington suits you. You look terrific.” I hadn’t noticed what I looked like, but I did know I felt happier here.
“Thanks. You look like you’re glowing,” I remarked. Kerri did look different, but I couldn’t place it. She looked at Ianni and gave her a sly smile. They were hiding something.
“Tell her,” Ianni pressed. Kerri stepped forward and held my hands.
“You’re going to be an aunt. I’m having a baby,” she confessed.
“What? That’s wonderful. Congratulations,” I said as I hugged her. “When?”
“When did we conceive?”
“No, silly, she wants to know when the baby is due,” Ianni said with a laugh.
“Oh, sorry. March,” Kerri replied. I was beyond happy for her. With summer ending it would be something to keep me busy in the winter. Shopping for my new niece or nephew. After we celebrated, and Kerri filled me in on morning sickness, I got them settled in the guest bedroom. Ianni was already looking around my kitchen for the coffeemaker. I felt complete. My friends were here and I couldn’t be any happier.
The next day I got them up early to go hiking. I had to take them to Merrymere Falls. Kerri was pumped, but Ianni wasn’t. She was afraid she didn’t have the right shoes. She didn’t. That girl did not know how to pack for a trip yet. She brought boots with heels and flip flops. So I gave her a new pair of sneakers. She looked absolutely disgusted as she put them on, but she would thank me later.
We drove to Merrymere and the girls ohhed and awed at how lush the landscape was here. We stopped a few times for picture ops and even climbed a few trees. Kerri was in wonder of how friendly people were and how much there was to do in the outdoors. I secretly wished she would move here, too.
We reached the park and started our small hike. It wasn’t long; I didn’t want to put too much strain on Kerri. Once we reached the top Ianni didn’t care about her shoes.
“It’s like Home,” she remarked. Tears filled her eyes as she stood and watched the water flow down the river rocks. “It’s unbelievable how peaceful this place is.”
“Well believe it! I love it here. I have become so at peace with everything,” I told her and Kerri. “I don’t worry about my past. I don’t mourn Dallas.”
“You mean you’re over him?” Kerri asked as she sat on a rock.
“Yes, I am. At first I had a hole inside me. But I came here and things were so clear to me. We were not meant to be together. It wasn’t what my life path was.”
Ianni looked shocked, her eyes wide. “Do you remember your life path?” I didn’t remember what I had set out for the course of my life. I just knew he wasn’t in it.
“No, but you do, don’t you?” She nodded. I knew she would never tell me what my choices were and who I was supposed to be with. “I don’t know who I am meant to be with, but I do know that I am open to all possibilities.” I sat with Kerri and she put her arm around me.
“You know Landon left town, right?” Ianni asked. I didn’t know he did. I wouldn’t know because we didn’t talk anymore. I swallowed the lump in my throat and shook my head.
“Yeah, Dallas left for New York and Landon was gone when he came back,” she finished.
“Do you see Dallas a lot?” I asked. It was a silly question because she worked for him.
“Yeah, I do,” she averted her eyes and I let it go. I didn’t want to talk about him.
“Well, the last vision I had with Landon I saw my own death. That was pretty much a turning point for me. I didn’t want to remember anymore,” I told he
r.
I got up and turned to walk back down the hill. She grabbed my shoulder. “What did you just say?”
“Ouch, Ianni,” I mumbled as I rubbed my arm. “I said in my last vision …”
“That! You had a vision with Landon?” I nodded. I didn’t think anything about it.
“What’s the big deal?” Kerri asked Ianni, who’s face went pale.
“You’re not supposed to have visions unless you recall your past. He had his memory shaved and that would mean you wouldn’t have any with him,” she said as she paced back and forth. “Are you sure his touch would cause them?”
“Yes, I am sure. But I had a vision with him when we first met. I didn’t know my past then?”
I remembered the first time we met on the side of the road and he touched my hands slightly. It brought about a vision of us in a field.
“That’s different. You were dream recalling,” she said matter of factly. “That’s when you remember in your dreams, but he doesn’t remember, so it shouldn’t happen.”
I didn’t think it was odd that he still gave me visions. Maybe I was causing them. Whatever it was it bothered Ianni.
“Come on, let’s go. I am starving,” Kerri said. Ianni nodded and we walked back to the car.
The girls left the next day. Their trip was short but fun. We did as much together as we could. Ianni didn’t bring Landon up to me again until I was saying goodbye to them.
“I want to tell you something,” she said as Kerri loaded up her bags. “I know your life path Avery, but I can’t tell you who you’re meant to be with. Not because I won’t tell you, but because you didn’t choose a mate this time.”
I didn’t understand what she was talking about. I didn’t choose a man to marry?
“You decided to be alone. You didn’t want to be married. You wanted to be on your own.”
“Oh,” was all I could say. I would end up a spinster. I would never settle down and have kids.
“It doesn’t mean you won’t have a mate. It just means that at the time you didn’t care to have one,” she assured me. I felt relieved. “So I don’t know if you will end up with Landon, but I know you are not meant for Dallas.” She kissed the top of my head and I didn’t want her to go. Now I knew how she felt the day I left her. She was about to take off in a car and leave me standing here without her.
“I love you, Ianni,” I told her.
“I love you too, girl! Be strong,” she said.
Kerri and I hugged and I told them to drive carefully. I was now overprotective of Kerri. I worried about the baby too much maybe. It may be the only baby I get to have in my life and I wanted it to be safe.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Rain
Over the next few days the ache for my friends dulled and I could go back to talking with them on the phone without crying. Life was falling back in place.
Astrid and I had dinner together a few times, but she met someone and was spending time with her. I didn’t feel lonely, but I felt odd. I didn’t know what it was I was going through. It was more like I needed someone but I didn’t know who. I had a void that wasn’t filled. I chalked it up as the rainy days of fall that were starting to get me down.
I made a special trip to my favorite bakery one night to get a pie for myself. Anytime I got sad out here, this pie would make it all better. Caramel apple pie, to be exact. It was gooey, delicious, and everything I needed at the time. I got a big piece, a cup of hot coffee, and sat on my couch. I was watching a sappy love story when the rain pelted the roof. It was loud and reassuring, letting me know I wasn’t alone. I was surrounded by the grace of God. He was here with me.
I didn’t know what time it was when a pounding came on the door. I sat upright and my head swirled. Once I got my bearings, I looked at the clock. Two in the morning. I listened again, hoping I was hearing things, but the pounding started again. I didn’t know who could be beating my door down at this hour. I pulled my blanket around my shoulders and approached the door with caution.
“Who is it?” I yelled, trying my best to sound tough, but I was jelly inside.
“Landon!” Holy heck. Landon was at my door? That couldn’t be right. I looked through the peephole, and sure enough, a soaking wet Landon stood at my doorstep. I opened the door and he smiled at me. I didn’t smile back because I was too confused.
“Hi,” he said simply, water dripping down his face.
“It’s two in the morning,” I said, dumbstruck.
“I know. I had to come see you. I need to talk with you.” Well how do you turn that away? I didn’t; I let him in.
“Let me get you a towel,” I slurred, still in shock. I tossed him a clean towel and he dried his blond hair. He looked terrible. He was thin and his facial hair had grown in. He looked like a grunge rocker who had stayed up late too many days in a row.
I poured the last remnants of my coffee, still hot in the carafe.
“Coffee?” He nodded and took the cup. I stood at my kitchen counter and he sat across from me.
“You look great. Washington is treating you well, huh?”
“Yeah it is. Why are you here?” I blurted. He laughed and set his cup down.
“I needed to see you. I am sorry about showing up at this hour, but I have been looking all over for you today.” He took another sip, his hands shaking. “And finally Astrid told me your address.” I had forgotten he knew Astrid from the wedding. I knew now that they didn’t hook up because she didn’t like men. I giggled inside for some reason.
“Okay, but why didn’t you just call me?”
“Because it’s not the same telling you over the phone,” he explained as he stood up. He set his cup in the sink and came closer to me. He was so close I could feel his breath on my face. My skin tingled as I inched closer.
“I remember, Avery,” he whispered in my ear.
“Remember what?”
“I remember you and me, and our lives together. I never forgot. Shaving my memories didn’t work.” I held onto the sink, afraid I would fall. I was severely light-headed. He recalled it all and knew this whole time. That meant that he just pretended to forget.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Or Lillith, for that matter,” I asked angrily.
“I didn’t want to be a nuisance in your life any longer. You wanted to be with Dallas, so I wanted you to be happy. As for Lillith, it was really difficult to ignore her, but I did.”
I backed away from him, needing a moment to think. I took in his innocent face after he let me in on his little secret. I wanted to be mad, but I couldn’t. He was trying to do what he thought I had wanted.
“You knew when I came to your door the day I woke up after Dedrick and Benjamin died? You knew me?” He nodded. The day I had awoken after the fight with Dedrick and Benjamin I ran to him. I was sick with worry that he had forgotten me. When I reached his door he didn’t know me. Or rather pretended not to.
“What then, you just ran around whoring yourself out? You must have slept with over forty women. Did I not matter to you?” I didn’t know why I cared about his sex life. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did. If he remembered me, then why all the women? Why the woman from the hotel room? Was that necessary?
“I never slept with any of them, Avery,” he said as he came closer to me. “It would never get that far. I tried to forget you. I did. But I couldn’t meet anyone who meant anything to me.
“None of them were you. Like that girl at the hotel room. I wanted to lose myself and not think about you lying in the next room. It was you that I wanted to kiss that night. You that I wanted to make love to. Not that girl!”
I stepped away and he came closer. He wanted to be in my space, but I didn’t know how to feel about his confessions right now.
“You wanted me so you brought her back to the hotel? Sorry, but that doesn’t seem very cool.”
“Yes. I closed my eyes and envisioned kissing your lips. I ran my fingers through your hair, and caressed your skin. Only, when I
opened my eyes it was never you. That is why I told her to leave that night.”
I had backed into the couch and plopped down. I didn’t know what to think. I was in a state of shock.
“Don’t you see, Avery? I love you. I always have. Even if I try to forget you I can’t. I wanted you and Dallas to be happy. Hell, I even tried to give him relationship advice, but he kept messing things up.” He knelt down on his knees before me, taking my hands in his. I let him. “I couldn’t stand to see him hurt you. I had to find you and tell you how I felt. I am only asking for a fair shot. I want to make you happy. Will you give me that chance?”
“I-I-I don’t know,” I stammered. It was too much information all at once. His eyes dropped and he looked injured. I had hurt him. He stood up and grabbed his jacket.
“I understand. If you don’t feel the same that’s totally okay, I just wanted to give it a go. Can’t blame me for trying,” he muttered, opening the door. “Can we still be friends?”
“Of course,” I said. He smiled at me and ran his fingers through his wet hair. I got up off the couch and walked towards him. He looked every inch the sexy Landon I had admired from afar. The one I had to look away from when I was in Dallas’ arms. I gave him a hug and he held me tightly, seeming to not want to let go. Warmth spread through me, and it lit me up.
Adam held me in his arms after I had passed away and I watched him as he did. I was standing with my Deliverer. She was letting me say goodbye before she brought me Home. Adam cried into my lifeless body. He had struggled and fought with me when I was in the beginning stages of the disease. He was my rock when I needed him to be. It was as tough on him as it was on me. In the end I wanted to go and he didn’t want it to be over, but he let me leave because he knew it was best for me not to suffer anymore. In the end, when I decided I didn’t want any more treatments, he agreed. Not because he wanted to see me stop fighting, but simply because he didn’t want me to hurt. He would rather take all the pain of the loss of me and let me go. He stayed that way, sobbing, for what seemed like an hour. I walked over and rested my lifeless hand on his shoulder. Minutes and hours were of no concern to me now. So my Deliverer could wait. He needed my touch; he needed my hand on his shoulder.
Unraveling of Avery Snow, The Page 15
