by Kelly Oram
Jennifer calmed down too, and nodded. As I walked away, she called out to me in a smaller voice. “I really was just trying to help, Ella.”
Ugh. And now I had to feel guilty on top of everything else. I stopped walking and turned to face her. “I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just had a horrible day and I need a break. I’m going to go soak in a bath for a while.”
“Try a little lavender oil in the tub. There’s some in that bag. It’s very soothing for nerves.”
. . . . .
I stayed in the bath until the water turned cold and had a good cry. It wasn’t so much the stares from the other kids or being treated like a pariah that reduced me to tears once I was finally alone—it was more knowing that this was going to be my life from now on. Ana was right; nothing was ever going to fix my limp or my scars. The horrible day I’d had today was going to be on repeat forever.
Eventually, my father knocked on my bedroom door and then poked his head in the room after I answered. “Ella. We’re going out to dinner in fifteen minutes. Can you get ready to—” My eyes must have still shown the evidence of my breakdown, because he blanched and came to sit on the edge of my bed. “Are you okay, honey?”
I didn’t feel like rehashing my day with him, so I shrugged. “Fine. I just don’t really feel up to going to dinner.”
“Of course not, Ella,” Jennifer said, joining us. “You can stay home if you need to.”
My dad glanced back and forth between Jennifer and me a couple of times, and his frown deepened. “No, you can’t,” he said to me. “Sitting here alone tonight isn’t going to make you feel any better. You need to come with us.”
Before I could snap at him, Jennifer placed her hand on his arm and said, “It might be best to let her stay. School didn’t go well. The girls had a tough day, and they’re all a bit emotional right now.”
As if this were the most shocking news ever, my father threw me a startled glance. “Was it really that bad?”
I glared at him. “Of course it was! What did you think it was going to be like?”
While I reached for a tissue, Jennifer leaned closer to my dad and lowered her voice. “It sounded awful, from what Juliette and Anastasia told me. Rich, maybe we should let her stay home and do online school.”
“Yes, please,” Anastasia begged, coming into my room with Juliette, as if I’d called some sort of family powwow.
Juliette nodded in agreement. “I think that would be best for all of us.”
Dad took in all of our expressions and then surprised us all with a furious outburst. “No!”
“But, Rich—”
“No, Jennifer. You know why we can’t do that. This is how her life is going to be from now on. She has to get used to it.”
My empty stomach flopped in my gut. Not that I wanted to be coddled, but there was absolutely no empathy. No acknowledgement of how hard my day must have been for me. No attempt to comfort me in any way.
“You heard what her doctor told us. She has to learn how to interact with people. She can’t isolate herself, or she’ll only get worse.”
“But she’s never going to make any friends,” Jennifer argued. “She’ll be scarred for life.” Jennifer, realizing that I already was scarred for life, cringed. “Emotionally, I mean.”
Her faith in me was astounding. She thought I was every bit the freak her daughters did. That I was so bad I needed surgery, and I’d never have any friends. I can’t say I didn’t worry about the same thing, but as the parental figure she was supposed to at least pretend it was possible. A little optimism from anyone would have been nice.
“Maybe we could find her a special school, for other kids like her,” Jennifer suggested. “They have schools for kids with disabilities. Maybe she’d be happier if she was with her equals.”
My jaw hit the floor. My equals? As if being crippled and scarred somehow made me, and other handicapped kids, lesser people? My lawyer father should have been all over that ignorant, discriminatory comment, but instead he looked at her with interest. “Maybe you’re right. I’ll ask her team about the possibility.”
I was crushed. I knew he’d left me for these people a long time ago, but I still felt betrayed right then. He was my father. He should have been defending me. He should have at least been concerned for my feelings. “Hello!” I screamed. “I’m right here! If you’re going to discuss me like I don’t have a mind or feelings of my own, could you at least do it behind my back?”
Jennifer paled and my father brought his hand up over his eyes, rubbing his temples with his finger and thumb as if his head hurt. “You’re right, Ella. I’m sorry. Why don’t you and I go to dinner tonight and we can discuss this alone?”
“What?” Juliette shouted. “Dad! That’s not fair! We have reservations tonight!”
“I know, sweetheart, but Ella’s had a really bad day. I think we could both use the one-on-one time.”
“We’ve all had a bad day! What about us? Everything’s always about her now! Back-to-school dinner is a family tradition. You can’t forget about your real family just because her life sucks.”
I couldn’t handle one more second of this. “Relax, Juliette. I don’t want to steal your evening.” I was too tired to keep up my anger at my dad. “You don’t have to break tradition for me. Go have your family dinner, or whatever. I’m fine.”
“Ella.” Dad sighed. “You’re coming, too. You’re part of the family.”
I was wrong about being too tired to be mad. Rage bubbled up in me, giving me a second wind. “No. I was part of your family. You left me for this one.”
“Honey, that’s not—”
“Don’t, Dad,” I interrupted before he could start giving me excuses. “We both know that if Mama hadn’t died I’d still be nothing but a distant memory to you, so don’t pretend you care about me.”
For a moment my father looked as though I’d slapped him, and then he lost his patience. “I can’t change the past, Ella! I’m doing the best I can now, and that will just have to be good enough. You had better figure out a way to get over your anger because, like it or not, we are your family now. You’re stuck with us, so suck it up and get in the car.”
I wanted to say no. I wanted to put my foot down and make him have to drag me, kicking and screaming. He’d hurt me for ten years. He didn’t get to walk back into my life and expect to just have my forgiveness. He hadn’t even apologized. But the less fuss I made, the sooner I’d be able to get out of this house.
“Fine, whatever.”
My dad took another deep breath and forced himself to calm down. “Thank you. Hurry and change. We have to leave in ten minutes.”
I frowned down at my jeans and long-sleeve T-shirt. I looked normal enough. “Why do I need to change?”
“Providence is only one of the nicest restaurants in Los Angeles,” Anastasia bragged. “They won’t let you in if you look like a Walmart ad.”
It wasn’t until that moment that I noticed the twins were both dressed to kill. My dad and Jennifer were dressed up, too. Great. My father’s very presence commanded respect, and Jennifer belonged on his arm like the perfect trophy wife. Anastasia and Juliette completed the picture, looking like a couple of pampered heiresses. This family deserved their own reality show.
After Dad ushered everyone out of my room so I could change, I stared into my closet for an eternity, knowing I’d never find anything that would make me fit in with the Colemans. As I slid the hanging clothes from one end of the rack to the other, I came across my mother’s little canary-yellow cocktail dress. Mama and I didn’t get the chance to dress up that often. We were never poor exactly, but we had to watch what we spent, and we had to save up if we wanted to do anything extravagant. One time, though, when I was about thirteen, she’d dated this professional salsa dancer for a few months, and he loved taking her out dancing, so she’d splurged and bought the dress.
I hugged the dress to my face and took a deep breath. It didn’t smell like her anymore, but that
didn’t matter. It was my favorite thing of hers that she ever wore. She always looked so beautiful in it. I’d cried with relief when I went though the boxes my dad packed and saw that he’d saved it.
“I miss you so much, Mama,” I whispered. “It’s not fair that I have to do this alone. I need you.”
Before I realized what I was doing, I’d slipped the dress over my head. It fit me so well, it felt like fate. The dress had spaghetti straps and stopped at the knee. The thought of leaving the house with my scars showing made me physically ill, but people were going to stare at me no matter what, so why not take a piece of my mother with me? I was going to need her if I wanted to survive this dinner.
I put on the string of pearls she always wore with the dress and twisted my hair up the same way she used to, then stared at myself in the mirror for a long time. If I ignored the scars, I almost felt like a human being again. I could see my mother staring back at me out of the glass. I looked just like her, except for the eyes.
“I love you, Mama,” I whispered as I grabbed my cane and headed out to face the firing squad.
Slowly, I made my way to the front entryway where everyone was waiting for me. When I came around the corner, they all took one look at me and froze.
“Oh, no. You are not wearing that!” Anastasia cried.
I couldn’t help feeling defensive. I loved this dress. “What’s wrong with it? You’re all wearing dresses.”
“Mom!” Anastasia sent Jennifer a pleading look.
“It’s a beautiful dress, Ella,” Jennifer said quickly. Her voice was so patronizing I may as well have been five years old. “But are you sure you want to wear it?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
Jennifer froze for a moment and then forced a pained smile on her face. “Well, honey, it’s just that it’s…a little revealing.”
That was another slap in the face. I glanced at Anastasia and Juliette and folded my arms across my chest. “It’s longer than either of their dresses, and my cleavage isn’t hanging out for the whole world to see.”
“No, no, I didn’t mean that,” Jennifer backtracked. “I know the dress isn’t inappropriate. That’s not what I meant.”
I was an idiot. I couldn’t believe it took me that long to understand what everyone’s problem was. “You meant you don’t want me to wear the dress because it shows my scars. You’re as embarrassed of me as they are.”
Jennifer shook her head frantically until her eyes filled with tears. She turned her head into my dad’s shoulder, weeping. He threw his arms around her and glared at me over her head. “That is enough, Ellamara. Just because you’re having a hard time doesn’t mean you can walk all over this family’s feelings. You’ve proved your point. Now stop being difficult and just go change your clothes.”
I hadn’t known my heart could break any more than it already had. Even my dad, my own flesh and blood, didn’t want to be seen with me if my scars were showing. “I didn’t put it on to prove some kind of point! This was my mother’s dress. I just wanted to have my family present at this family dinner. I shouldn’t have to change just because you’re too embarrassed to be seen with me. It’s not my fault I disgust all of you.”
My dad cursed under his breath when he realized his mistake. All the blood drained from his face, leaving him pale as a ghost. His voice cracked as he whispered, “Ellamara, I’m sorry. I thought…”
“I know what you thought!” His apology was too little, too late. “You keep telling me that you guys are my family, but you’re not. If my mother had seen me in this dress, she would have hugged me and told me she was proud of me for trying to be brave—not ask me to change my clothes. That’s just sick. She wouldn’t be embarrassed of my scars. She wouldn’t care about them at all because she loved me. She was my family.”
I turned around and headed for my room, wishing more than anything that I could have run there. I wasn’t going anywhere with any of them now. My father really would have to throw me over his shoulder and carry me if he wanted me to leave the house.
Brian
I knew I should never have given Scott keys to my place. How the hell was I supposed to avoid people when I couldn’t lock out the one person determined not to let me skip my meetings?
“Brian?” Scott called out as he entered the house. He found me sitting on the living room sofa three seconds later. “You were supposed to be there over an hour ago. Kaylee threatened to remove my man parts if I don’t have you there in twenty minutes.”
I looked down at the IM box on my laptop and sighed.
Cinder458: As much as I am enjoying this groveling session, I have to go.
EllaTheRealHero: Yeah, yeah, your Friday night awaits you, Mr. Popular. Go have fun.
I smiled. I supposed I could enjoy myself now.
Ella had finally watched my movie The Long Road Home like I’d asked her to. She’d been so surprised that she wrote a hilarious review entitled “My Sincerest Apologies to Mr. Brian Oliver.” It was a movie review like the ones she used to write for her blog before her accident, except it was written in the form of a personal letter to me, apologizing for thinking I was going to ruin Cinder. It was brilliant.
After she sent me her review of The Long Road Home, I immediately wrote her back and insisted she start blogging again. I knew how much Ella loved her blog, and it had killed me when she said she wasn’t going to do it anymore. It may have taken weeks of begging, but Ella had finally posted her review today. She gave a brief explanation that she’d been in an accident and unable to keep up with her blog, but thanks to an argument with a certain “obsessed fan” of hers, she was back and had to start with her thoughts on the cast of The Druid Prince. She’d started with her apology letter to Brian Oliver.
When I found the post this afternoon, I signed on to welcome her back to the blogosphere, and we ended up getting into an argument in the comments section of her post about Princess Ratana’s costume. Quite a few of Ella’s readers had already found her post and were jumping into the debate as well. I was pleased to see that my side was winning, despite the welcome-back lovefest Ella was getting from her fans.
Cinder458: It shall be as my wise priestess asks. I wasn’t really looking forward to this evening, but now I promise I will have lots of fun in honor of your return to the blogging world.
EllaTheRealHero: You’re a weirdo.
Cinder458: I am not. You love me.
EllaTheRealHero: Yes, you are, and yes, I do. Goodnight, Cinder.
A violent longing filled me as I stared in shock at Ella’s reply. I expected her to come back with something about my overinflated ego, and instead she admitted she loved me. She’d never said something like that before. I knew it couldn’t possibly be the same way that I cared for her, because only I was crazy enough to fall for a random stranger on the Internet, but at least she loved me in some way.
Cinder458: Goodnight, Ella.
I hesitated and then typed one last message.
Cinder458: I love you, too.
I let out a breath as I hit ENTER. Maybe it was on instant messenger, and maybe I’d never met Ella in person, and probably she thought I was joking, but I’d never said those words to a woman before. For me, this moment was huge.
A long whistle startled me out of my epiphany. I looked up to see Scott standing behind me, reading over my shoulder with wide eyes.
Ugh. Time to get back to reality.
After a long stretch, I closed my laptop. Before Scott could ask about Ella and what I’d just written to her, I said, “You win. I’m coming. We can’t have you losing your man parts on my account.”
. . . . .
“Careful,” Scott warned as we entered the club. “Kaylee is pissed that you didn’t show up on time tonight.”
I smirked. Of course she was pissed. Tonight was her twenty-first birthday, and according to her, it was the night we were supposed to get engaged. She rented out the most exclusive club in LA for her party and invited every VIP she knew. And, fro
m the looks of it, every paparazzi in the state of California, too.
If Scott thought Kaylee was pissed now, he should just wait until I broke off the fake relationship instead of giving her the ring I was supposed to buy—and hadn’t. “A word to the wise, Scotty: run while you still can.”
Scott wasn’t fast enough. Kaylee pounced on us both the second we came through the door. “Baby!” she squealed, plastering herself against me. “What took you guys so long?”
Her voice was happy, but the fire in her eyes explained exactly how pissed she was. She’d brought an entourage of friends and birthday well-wishers with her, and after politely saying hello to them all, I took Kaylee by the hand and said, “Can we talk privately for a minute?”
Kaylee’s whole face lit up. “Sure!”
She made a face at the crowd that suggested she thought she was getting a birthday surprise, then let me drag her off to a private table.
I didn’t waste any time. As soon as I was sure no one could overhear us, I said, “I don’t want to do this.”
Kaylee rolled her eyes. “Yeah, you’ve made that quite clear since the moment it was suggested in that meeting.”
“Let me rephrase.” My patience was already wearing thin. “I’m not going to do this.”
Kaylee’s eyes narrowed into thin slits. “The hell you’re not.”
“Kaylee.” I rubbed my temples and took a breath. I wasn’t going to fight with her if I could help it. “Give me a break, okay? Things have changed for me since that meeting.”
If Kaylee were a cat, she’d have arched her back and puffed up her tail. As it was, she stiffened and folded her arms across her chest. “You mean that girl?”
That girl? Ella was so much more than that girl. “Yes, I mean Ella. If I’d known she was alive, I never would have let anyone talk me into this stupid plan in the first place. Now that I have her back, I’m not going to ruin things with her by getting pretend-engaged to you.”
