So it was with regret but not surprise that he answered. “I don’t. I need a frau who can see. Who will be there for me, and for our kinner. Who can take care of a bopli. I need a woman who I can depend on.”
Before she could interrupt, he held up a hand. He needed to tell her what he thought, even if it was painful to hear. And hard for him to say. “This . . . This is nothing personal, Elsie. It’s just that I have plans. I’ve worked a long time to prepare for them, worked a long time to put everything into place. It’s too late to change, you see. . . .”
“Too late?”
“I know I sound rigid. Maybe I am. But if I am, that’s even a better reason why we shouldn’t see each other anymore. I wouldn’t be the right man for you.” He felt almost justified. Perhaps that was the way to look at things—not that she was lacking, but that they weren’t suited. Feeling a bit better, he added smoothly, “I wouldn’t be able to be the husband you needed, and that would be wrong.”
“Funny, even though I can’t see all that well, I had plans, too.”
Her voice was bitter. He swallowed his shame and forced himself to think about the future, about the future he’d planned so hard to prepare for. “I realize that, Elsie.”
“Nee. You realize nothing.” She turned her back on him. “Landon, I know you are friends with my bruder, but please, don’t come back here again. I don’t want to see you ever again.”
“Elsie, I’d like us to still be friends.”
“I don’t think that will be possible. I have no interest in being your ‘friend.’ ”
“If you change your mind, you know where I am.”
“I won’t.”
Still staring at her back, he scrambled for something better to say. For some way to make himself feel better, and to make her understand. “With my job, I’m gone for hours at a time. Sometimes over twelve hours. How would you get along like that? Elsie, you could get hurt!” He yearned to mention what could happen to a baby, but stopped himself, knowing that reminder would be cruel.
“I guess we’ll never know how I could get on, will we?” she said as she started forward. “And heaven forbid I get hurt,” she added, her voice thick with sarcasm.
He flinched, hating that he was hurting her. But he knew his worries were justified. If he didn’t stand firm now, things would only get worse in the future.
What he was doing was for the best for both of them. The last thing either of them needed was false hope. To hope for something that they couldn’t count on.
With mixed feelings, Landon forced himself to stand still as she walked to the door. As she stumbled on the stairs. When he watched her struggle with the door handle that seemed to stick.
He stood in the cool night air, watching through the window as she walked through the kitchen and bump into a chair before moving out of sight.
Then he was alone, standing alone, in the dark. Exactly how he wanted to be.
And that is when he knew he’d never felt lower or more alone. For a brief moment, he’d been so sure he was going to have everything he’d ever wanted.
Giving up that dream was as hard as telling her the truth about how she wasn’t ever going to be the woman he needed.
Elsie Keim was a lovely woman who possessed a very kind, very loving heart. She would make some man a wonderful wife, too.
Just not him.
Only later, when he was sitting in his empty house that needed too much work, did he realize what else he was feeling . . . a pinch of jealousy for the new man in her life.
That new man was going to be a blessed man, indeed. Landon sincerely hoped he realized that.
chapter twenty-seven
After the difficult conversation with Landon, Elsie told her family that she was skipping dinner and had run upstairs to come to terms with what had just happened in private.
She was hurt and weepy. For a few moments, she gave in to temptation, took off her glasses, and cried, but mostly she just lay on her bed and stared into nothing.
She simply had no idea what to do next. She felt suspended, adrift. More alone than ever.
She’d just fallen into an uneasy doze when their door creaked open and Viola joined her.
“Elsie, you have to tell me what happened when you and Landon went outside to talk.”
Knowing that it would do no good to ignore her, Elsie replied. “We talked.”
“Come on. Please tell me what happened. All I could do during dinner was wonder what the two of you said. Don’t leave me in suspense!”
“There’s not much to say.” She slipped back on her glasses and blinked.
“Well, you got everything ironed out, right?”
Viola’s voice was so eager, so happy for her, it only made Elsie feel worse. “Not exactly.”
In the dark, Viola slipped off her apron and dress, then opened her top drawer and pulled out a nightgown. “Elsie, you can’t leave me like this.” She paused. “Oh my gosh . . . Did it not go well?”
“It was more than that.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean . . .” Her voice cracked. Unable to continue without bursting into tears, she said, “I need to go brush my teeth.” Quickly she padded down the hall, turned on the flashlight that they kept on a shelf, and quickly washed her face and brushed her teeth.
And then stood in front of the mirror and wished for once that she could see herself as others saw her. Naïvely, she’d assumed that if she was able to handle her disability, then others would be able to as well.
But now she realized that for Landon, at least, it hardly mattered how she felt about her body. It was his perception that counted.
And unfortunately, that was something that she couldn’t change. No matter how upbeat or purposeful she tried to be, she would never be able to change Landon’s negative view of her.
Perhaps he was right. Perhaps it was best that they’d ended things now. Before she’d grown to depend on him, or before she’d imagined that he could love her.
When she returned to their room, Elsie could sense Viola watching her from her twin bed. She was tempted to merely crawl into her own bed and pretend to go to sleep, but she now knew she wasn’t going to be able to sleep for hours.
Instead, she walked to Viola’s bed and scooted in beside her. With a grunt, Viola moved over. It was a tight fit, but being next to her twin felt right.
“We haven’t shared a bed in ages,” Viola whispered.
“Soon, it will be impossible. You’ll be in Belize with Edward.”
“And maybe one day you’ll be with Landon?”
That was the tipping point. Realizing that no matter how much she might have wanted it, that wasn’t going to happen.
Her eyes began to water, and at last she let the tears fall. “That’s not going to happen, I’m afraid.”
“What do you mean?”
“I . . . Landon told me that I’m not good enough for him. He . . . He wants a normal woman. One who can see.”
“He wanted you to have the transplant operation. That doesn’t mean he didn’t think you were good enough. I felt sure that as soon as you two were alone he’d come to his senses.”
“He has come to his senses, they just don’t include me. Viola, he—he said he couldn’t bear to have a wife who he couldn’t depend on,” she said, sputtering. “He didn’t want to be stuck with a woman who he would have to worry about while he was working.”
“Oh, Elsie,” Viola murmured. “I am sorry.”
She was sorry, too. Rolling over, Elsie turned her back to Viola. Only that way, lying on her side, could she share the worst.
As the tears fell, sliding down her cheeks and staining the collar of her nightgown, she confessed all of it. “He didn’t even want to talk about how I could still do lots of things, or how I’ve realized I hear better than I used to. He wanted that operation. The operation and for me to be ‘normal.’ Otherwise, he doesn’t want me, Viola.”
“You must be mistaken. I saw how he looked
at you. I thought he was falling in love.”
“He didn’t.” Elsie hadn’t misunderstood one thing. “And while I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up, I’m so sad. I really thought he was the right man for me.”
Worse, she’d truly thought she had been the right woman for him.
She’d thought she’d mattered enough to him for him to make some sacrifices.
Viola wrapped her arms around Elsie’s back. “Do you want to change your mind about the surgery?”
“Nee.”
“Sure? You maybe could have Landon then.”
“Viola, I’ve wished I could see, I’ve wished that Landon saw more of me than my poor vision. But I haven’t once thought about getting that operation so he’d have me.”
“You sound mighty sure.”
“I am. It’s . . . It’s a tricky procedure. Sometimes the transplant doesn’t take. What would happen then? I don’t want to change myself to make him want me. What if something else happens to my body one day and I’m not ‘normal’? What if I have the operation, have someone else’s corneas, but I still can’t see? Will Landon push me away then?”
“You’re not being entirely fair to Landon,” Viola protested. “He’s a good man, Elsie.”
“I agree. Landon is a good man. But he’s not being entirely fair to me, either. After all, isn’t love supposed to be blind? Isn’t love supposed to be stronger than our weaknesses? Or, at the very least, isn’t love supposed to mean that you love someone in spite of their faults?”
After a moment’s pause, Viola nodded. “Yes, I’m afraid you are right. Edward loves me even though I’m far from being an ideal missionary wife. He loves me in spite of my imperfections.”
“Exactly,” Elsie said, glad her twin understood. “I mean, aren’t we all more than our worst parts? Shouldn’t we be? I know that I can’t see too well, and that one day I’ll hardly be able to see at all. But to be perfectly honest, I really thought I was more than just a pair of bad eyes.” Lowering her voice to a whisper, she added, “I mean, at least, I wanted to be.”
“You are. You are far more than that. You’ve always been more than that. It’s Landon’s loss if he doesn’t understand that. If he doesn’t want a relationship because of this, it proves that this problem isn’t only about you, Elsie. It’s about his problems, too.”
“What do I do now? Should I try to forget about him?”
“I don’t know.”
“I feel like I shouldn’t be as sad as I am. I mean, I hardly knew him. But the idea that we could be more made me so happy.”
“What you do now is what we all do. We pray for guidance. And we pray for strength so that we may make some good decisions and choices. And then we’re going to give thanks for the blessings we already have.”
“And after that?” Elsie had no idea. At the moment, she couldn’t imagine meeting another man who would make her feel that way.
“And then?” Viola shrugged. “And then we pray again and try to open our hearts to a hopeful future.”
“And after that?” Elsie teased.
“And after that?” Her eyes widened, as if she was finally stumped. “And then? Well, tomorrow morning, I think we’ll need to make a cake,” Viola said with a smile.
“Cake? Does that make things better?”
“Definitely, if it’s chocolate.”
Elsie considered the benefits of consuming half of a deliciously dark chocolate cake. “I think cake might help.”
Viola giggled. “We’re going to need chocolate frosting, too. It’s not easy getting a heart broken, you know.”
Until that moment, Elsie didn’t know that it was possible to laugh and cry at the same time. “Danke, twin.”
Viola patted her back. “You’re welcome. I’m glad I could help. I’ll be happy to help you anytime you need it, of course. Anytime at all.”
Elsie closed her eyes, finally feeling like she could rest at last. No, her heart wasn’t happy. And yes, she was feeling mighty blue. But things weren’t without hope.
Viola had showed her that there was always hope. And when that was in low supply?
Chocolate would work. In a pinch.
We liked Elsie a lot, Landon, Daniel began the moment Landon walked into the front door of the office the next morning. “A whole lot.”
“Is that a fact?”
Daniel nodded, completely missing the dry humor in his tone. “As a matter of fact, Edith and I can hardly stop talking about her. She was perfect for you. Kind, friendly, and easy to get along with.” He paused, then blurted, “And she’s so pretty, too.”
“Looks aren’t everything, you know.”
“I know that. But still . . .” He smiled. “Just think, you’re going to be a lucky man, starting each day with her smile.”
Though his brother was teasing, Landon felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. Elsie really would be a beautiful sight to wake up to. More important, she was so even-tempered, he was sure that each day would begin in a positive way.
To his embarrassment, he knew he’d entertained a daydream or two about sharing breakfast with her in the mornings. Sipping coffee while chatting with her across the table. Instinctively, he knew that she would be the type of woman to raise him up . . . not bring him down.
But now, that dream was gone, and it would be for someone else to appreciate. Someone who had more time to care for her. Someone who wasn’t trying to make a go of his business.
“I broke things off with her last night,” he said baldly.
Daniel scowled. “Why in the world did you do that? She’s practically perfect, Landon.”
But that was the point, wasn’t it? He reminded himself. She wasn’t perfect.
Though now, this morning, perfection didn’t seem as important as happiness did.
Steeling himself, he said, “Elsie told me that she elected to not have her eye surgery.”
His brother looked dumbfounded. “If she doesn’t have surgery, what is she going to do about her eyesight?”
“Nothing. She is simply going to let her vision deteriorate.”
“She said that?”
“She did. Elsie told me that she’s made peace with losing her vision.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. That’s what I thought.” But funny enough, now Landon wasn’t so sure that Elsie had made the wrong decision.
Daniel crossed the room, his expression matching his hard stride. “And that’s why you broke up with her?”
“I had to do it. At least, I thought I did.” Feeling more confused by the second, he said, “Daniel, Elsie won’t be able to do anything.”
“She seemed pretty capable when she was at our house. Edith said she was a lot of help in the kitchen. And the boys loved being with her.”
“I can’t believe you’re saying all this. You told me yourself that you didn’t want anything to interfere with our business. I thought you would understand where I’m coming from.”
“Well, I know I did say those things. But, ah, that was before I met her. She’s pretty great, Landon. You’re not likely to find any better. Actually, I think Elsie is better than you deserve.”
“Is that a fact?”
“Yes,” he muttered, not sounding the least bit apologetic. “Landon, I can’t believe you broke things off. I don’t know what Edith is going to say.”
Great. Now he not only was going to be facing his own fears and demons . . . he was going to have to answer to his sister-in-law, too.
This was most definitely not turning out like he’d imagined it would. He’d come to Daniel for support, not guilt.
Somewhat weakly, he said, “Elsie is not going to be able to see, Daniel. That’s a mighty big problem. I need a wife to help me.”
“Nee, bruder. You need a wife to love you. That’s what’s important. Everything else can be managed. You can hire help. You can live close to her family, so they can help her when you can’t. She can spend some days with Edith and the boys when we’re out of
town.” After glaring at him another moment in exasperation, he picked up the cell phone that had just started chirping.
As he watched his brother walk to his calendar and start flipping the pages, the words he’d said seemed to taunt him.
Love. His brother was exactly right. Somewhere along the way of reaching his goals, he’d forgotten what was important.
He’d started concentrating on goals and to-do lists instead of things like family and caring and love.
He’d started thinking that “home” meant a comfortable house on a piece of land of his very own. But it wasn’t that at all. No, it was living day to day with people you cared about. It was laughing when milk spilled and mud was tracked through the house and when dishes broke.
It was being around each other when things weren’t perfect as well as when they were.
And the funny thing was, he had a feeling that Elsie could deal much better with life’s little crises far better than he could. She would be the one to make bad days not seem so terrible, and good days even brighter.
She would have been the reason for him to get up in the morning. And more important, she would have been his whole reason to come home at night.
But now that wasn’t going to happen, because he’d just completely ruined everything.
Thinking about how easy it had been for him to be around her, how easily he’d talked to her, how open and giving she’d been . . . he finally understood the truth.
Elsie Keim was special.
There was a reason that he’d never felt a connection with any other woman. It wasn’t because he hadn’t had the chance to meet other women—it was because the other women weren’t Elsie. She was the one. She was the woman for him.
Daniel had actually made it all sound so simple, and maybe it was. All that really mattered was that there was love between a couple. Love and friendship and a willingness to work hard on a relationship.
If they had those things, other things could be worked out.
What was going to be a lot harder, of course, was finding a way to rectify the complete mess he’d made of everything.
Eventide: The Days of Redemption Series, Book Three Page 19
